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Dating a different kinda guy, he treats me great but is overweight.

ImNotYourBabe

By ImNotYourBabe
in Dating Advice

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Lamour detruit Rookie

Lamour detruit

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I think it does matter depending on how severely overweight he is. If it is extreme, there will likely be a great conflict of lifestyle which might cause you to be frustrated along the way. I don't think its too shallow to consider your options when someone weighs too much, if you value leading an active lifestyle and you look for the same in your man. I wouldn't want to be with a female who's severely overweight.

 

That said, if its not too extreme, just go with it.

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Oneironaut Explorer

Oneironaut

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To the OP, I would consider refraining from any mention of his weight or lifestyle or food choices.

 

When my ex-husband and I first started dating, I was as I am now: Curvy, with a few extra pounds. He was very skinny. One night, a few months into our relationship, he mentioned that he'd never dated a girl "as big as" me.

 

That one sentence stuck with me for the rest of our relationship, which lasted 15 years. I loved him, we had a lot of fun together and were very compatible, but no matter how many times he told me he loved how I looked, I could never shake the feeling that my body wasn't good enough for him. I spent years dieting, exercising, and trying everything I could to lose weight before I finally accepted that this is simply the weight that I am. The end result was that I never was comfortable undressing in front of him, or having the lights on while we had sex, or taking a shower together - all things he wanted to do. Eventually, my lack of comfort in this department led to a lack of intimacy, and was one of the reasons we finally divorced, albeit amicably.

 

On the other hand...my boyfriend has told me from early on, when we started chatting via webcam on Skype, that he LOVES my body. In fact, he says that he'd be upset if I lost weight for any reasons other than health, because he likes curvy women with meat on their bones. Consequently, I've never had the same feelings of self-consciousness around him that I did my ex-husband...I know he loves me just the way I am.

 

My point is simply that there's no purpose to really be served by commenting on his weight. He's a big boy, and he can do whatever he wants, lifestyle-wise. But he sounds like he has the potential to be a real catch...I hope you at least give it a chance, to see if you can reach a point where you don't see his weight at all, but just a great guy.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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The only two relevant points I see here -are you attracted to him as he is now -do you desire to kiss him, to touch him even if you are not ready yet for making out? If not, then I would move on. The other relevant point -if you are attracted to him, you have to decide whether you can be with someone who is not at a healthy weight. Obviously there are overweight people who are healthy, and of course it depends on how overweight, why he has a weight problem, his motivation to lose weight, if any, but at bottom, is this a health issue that you can handle over the long term?

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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So since I don't feel the need to want to kiss him or touch him I need to move on then right? Is that what you are saying? The other things I have yet to find out because we just started dating.

 

Exactly. I used to give it about 4 dates to see if I had the desire to kiss the person (or, if we kissed, if I felt that attraction and connection). 4 dates because I figured that way it was long enough for me to know whether there was chemistry and not too long before leading the other person on. I dated an extremely overweight man for about 5 months -he ended it -we were friends for about a year before we started dating and I had no idea I was attracted to him -I had never been attracted to an overweight man before - then we went out on a real date and I found myself feeling some kind of spark. By date number 2 it was through the roof. I did worry a lot about his health though. While we were dating he started a strict diet (not because of anything I said or did) and lost about 20-30 pounds during that time - but he had yo-yoed in the past so I wasn't sure if he was going to continue.

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ImNotYourBabe Collaborator

ImNotYourBabe

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I guess there is no spark then since I'm not really going crazy about making out with him then. We kissed it was nice it wasn't french kissing anything just a peck on the lips. I guess there is no spark then? I don't know, I guess I have had sparks before with guys but they were crappy relationships. I wanted to try something different I guess.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I think trying something different is more about becoming someone with a different mindset and perspective. Someone who is not thrilled and excited by people who are emotionally distant or unavailable, a guy who has physical features that are in general "hot" so that you can feel as if you won a prize but your interactions leave you feeling ignored. It's not about going on dates with someone who you are not attracted to - that's just a waste of time.

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Sparkly Eyes Collaborator

Sparkly Eyes

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Well I didn't say I wasn't attracted to him' date=' I just don't know yet. I am getting to know him as a person and I like his personality. I guess thats not enough...I will have to end it?[/quote']

 

I think you do, unfortunately...if really after four dates you feel like you're not ready for french kissing, I don't know how you can be attracted to him. Do you always wait a long time to get physical with guys? If not, I'd move on.

 

You can't force attraction. I tried it before and it doesn't work for me.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Well I didn't say I wasn't attracted to him' date=' I just don't know yet. I am getting to know him as a person and I like his personality. I guess thats not enough...I will have to end it?[/quote']

 

Right -and I was giving my opinion that if after four dates you don't desire to kiss him you should move on.

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babybees Enthusiast

babybees

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I was wondering the same thing - wasn't sure what you meant by "tell him sooner"...

 

i think what her friends meant was she needs to let him know after the first date if she doesn't want him, not waited til 2nd or 3rd dates. When she agreed to have the 2nd date and especially went on to 3rd dates, this gave him the idea that she is interested in him. And it's so not cool, if she now will tell him that she has no chemistry with him. Isn't it weird if the person you date doesn't know whether you have a chemistry or not until 2nd or 3rd date?

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