Stepson problems: Caught in the crossfire/Don't know how to help

[social]

Hi,

My stepson is 17 years old and we have known each other for 3 years. I am remarried and have 3 children from a previous marriage. Soon after I met him, my stepson and I were in the car alone waiting for his father to fuel the car. He told me that he really wanted to throw this mouse on me we had gotten for the pet snake, but he wanted to make better choices. Since he was a young child, he was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed, a diagnosis his father disagrees with . I wasn't frightened by his behavior merely puzzled as to why he would think to say something like with the obvious intention of frightening me. Over the 3 years until now he has exposed my children to a sexually inappropriate video game and talked with them constantly about guns. This behavior has stopped when I quickly banned the game and put parental controls on the console. He ate all of their Halloween candy because he was grounded and couldn't go to Halloween for bad grades. He now talks to them less about guns, and tries to control his behavior more. We still have a problem every now and again, but this is handled by him being at his mother's house and having less contact with my kids.

 

I have also tried to help with an in home trainer, who went over the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens with him. He can be very funny and has been diagnosed as Gifted. Discussion of his behavior is a sore spot with my spouse. Especially, since his son has convinced him that I hate him. It is very difficult to correct his son's behavior anyways, but so far we can't discuss his rudeness and disrespect without my husband becoming upset or without my motives being questioned. It is very hard to stay out of it when his son questions my authority even with my children. I don't want to put my husband in the middle, but we can't plan things without his son getting in the middle and arguing about it. He nearly ruined a trip to Vegas by constantly arguing with everything I planned to do together as a family. He wanted to go off by himself on the strip at 16 years old. He complained loudly to his father about why I got to plan everything.

 

Right now, he was going to be retained in 11th grade for failing classes. His parents have done everything including removing privileges for months and his school behavior has not changed. My husband has been the most open to admitting than he has ever been that he has not been persistent enough to change his son's behavior. He finds it difficult to lay down authority with his son because his father was a jerk to him. He wants his son to make better choices on his own. Anyways, my stepson's mother has pulled him out to home-school him for the classes he failed. 3 weeks into June and he hasn't started a class. I am not sure how she can keep him on task, especially with how persistent he is with getting his way. I don't know how to help every attempt to correct his behavior by me has been met with resistance and hostility and causes problems with my spouse. I can't get out of the way because his behavior effects me and my children. Yet I can't stand by and let him ruin his life. His father refuses to even consider medication for possible ADHD, ODD or bipolar disorder. He would prefer that his son learn to compensate on his own or he is certain that drugs would not help.

 

I am torn he is responsible for this child, and he needs help. We don't know how to help him. I suggested he stay here despite the problems and stress this causes for me and my kids and the rift that will deepen with my husband. I am a teacher I can make sure he engages with online public school and keep him on task. OTOH this again puts me in the role as someone for my stepson to butt heads with and blame for his behavior. It would only diminish my ability to help him. And too, he needs to take responsibility for himself not us take on his responsibility. Worst case scenario, he drops out of school and gets a GED. That is bad I know but we can't force him to take school seriously. Since he won't be reasoned with life experiences on his own will show him how foolish his choices are. If I could help to prevent this I would, I just don't know how. My husband suggested we sit down with him, his mother and stepfather, and have a talk. He will soon be 18 next year. My husband pleads with him that no one will know how smart he is unless he does well in school. It tears him up inside to watch his son fail. But his son has heard all this many times and hasn't changed a thing.

 

Some advice from someone who is going through the same thing or has another take on this would be great. We are beside ourselves with worry.

[Sanesoul]

My husband has severe ADD, and he cannot do school. He has a genius level IQ, but he has never done well in school because he could not concentrate. He dropped out of high school and got his GED. He has tried college twice, but he can't get through it.

 

This is just the way it is for some people. Expecting him to change on his own is wishful thinking on your husband's part. Medication sometimes is necessary. If my husband didn't take his, he would be in a very bad place. He would be miserable.

 

I think medication could help this boy along with therapy, but all parents need to be involved in helping him. If some disagree with how to proceed, nothing will change. He needs help now. My husband didn't get diagnosed until he was 29, and it was very frustrating for him.

[social]

My husband has severe ADD, and he cannot do school. He has a genius level IQ, but he has never done well in school because he could not concentrate. He dropped out of high school and got his GED. He has tried college twice, but he can't get through it.

 

This is just the way it is for some people. Expecting him to change on his own is wishful thinking on your husband's part. Medication sometimes is necessary. If my husband didn't take his, he would be in a very bad place. He would be miserable.

 

I think medication could help this boy along with therapy, but all parents need to be involved in helping him. If some disagree with how to proceed, nothing will change. He needs help now. My husband didn't get diagnosed until he was 29, and it was very frustrating for him.

 

Thanks. The family situation is complex with his parents being divorced and having a stepfather. I don't think the other side thinks of me as having a legitimate right to be involved in decisions, because I have come to this late. Perhaps, he has convinced them I hate him as well. I never raised my voice or even insulted his son. I have tried to be calm in the way I deal with him. This summer the son has decided he wants to stay at his mom's to be with his friends rather than with his father. He said he was going to get a job, but surprise no job. His father goes out of his way to show love for him. His son is so self-involved he doesn't appreciate it. My husband is so hurt by his son's problems he can't think about it or discuss it without becoming upset.

 

I have been saying something needs to be done since I've known him. My husband doesn't know what to do, and believes he will eventually mature like he did after making many mistakes.

[social]

Update. I sat down with my stepson, his Mom, and Dad. The mother is leaning toward GED and Job Corp. We asked to set him up in an online public school so he could finish his diploma and not drop out. The mother replied she would not have made it through high school her parents sent her to boarding school. His Dad dropped out of high school too.

 

Anyways, he came over for the weekend and we tried to get him sign up, but he needed his Mom's DL. That went nowhere and he went back to her house without even letting us know he was going. He said he wants to finish school, but it may be a stalling tactic to avoid working. His mother and stepfather treat my husband like he is a loser, because the step dad is a chiropractor. My husband has an ASC in Geosciences and is widely respected and gives lectures on science. When I give input like online public school the mother asked if it was a scam.

 

My input is often ignored. So I feel like it is time to step back and let it go. I feel like bad cop for telling it like it is and the stepmom is cool mom for pulling her son out of school, because he was going to be retained. My husband feels like he has been shut out by his ex-wife and son , and there is little he can do about it. Since he can't force his son to do anything even without his mother's good cop interference.

 

I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I really have very little say in it. I sent them the application I started for him, and I just need to find a way to make peace within myself.