What to do...

[MagzO]

Well, I'm torn. I'm missing my friend terribly. He's my ex, as you all may know, but we remained friends after some time of NC. It just sort of happened and we went from that to speaking everyday, to best friends. But there's always been this feeling of dependence between the two of us, which I hate. You know, I've always been there for him, and he... well, he tries I guess. Most people around me are selfish, so he's considered actually decent. Or maybe they are the normal ones and I'm the one who's crazy. We've had so many fights. Hell, we argue constantly, and still we remain friends. I think we're both lonely and feel that we have each other at least.

 

Anyway, he left for work for a couple of months. He's probably surrounded by friends he only sees once a year, and his crush... I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's not jealousy though. It's more sadness. I fear that once he gets a girlfriend he'll forget about me. I wouldn't care if he has some girl in his life, as long as we can remain friends and still talk to each other like we used to. But now he's not calling me at all. No IMs. No mails. No notes. No anything. It's like he faded away. I haven't tried to reach him because I'm kind of angry at him. We have a site together and it died, because we both make some decisions that needed to be made and he just never showed up anymore. I tried to take over, but depression kept me from doing as much work as I wanted to... I'm not sure I want to go back either, if he ever shows up again.

 

I feel like hating him now. I feel abandoned. Not even a message telling me he's still alive. I may be selfish though, for wanting him to contact me when he's so happy right now. I know being there makes him happy, which is why he doesn't need me anymore. But it won't last. The job ends in August. He'll go back to being lonely and wanting to contact me and I'll be the idiot who pretends he didn't ignore me for two months, and things will go back to be the same... Except I'm not sure I'm willing to do that anymore. Does that make me a selfish person?

 

...Maybe I should just contact him, but I don't want to ruin his fun...

[mouseno4]

I would consider only a short form of message if you do intend to contact him. Like SMS. He is happy and you dont want to get the road of his happyness.

[RedDress]

You still have feelings for this guy that go beyond friendship. If you didn't - this wouldn't bother you as much.

 

I don't think you should be spending your energy thinking about him. You should be spending your energy trying to find new friends and a new love. I predict that you will never be able to properly move on until you do...

 

Rather than focus on him and what he is or is not doing, I think you should get yourself out there and find ways to meet new people. Then, you will be involved in your own things and you won't be as worried about this.

[MagzO]

I don't think I have any romantic feelings left for him at all. xD If anything, now I wonder what I saw in him. He's great and all, but not for me. We're friends. Really close friends. Not every relationship between a guy and a girl, deep as it may be, has to be a romantic one. I know I love him. He knows so too. I also know he loves me, but that doesn't mean we're in love with each other, nor it means we will fall for each other again. We fight too much to work out. And it's not that I don't want him to have a girlfriend. It would be nice not to hear him complain over and over again about how he'll die a virgin. No, it's more worry about this girl, any girl, accepting our friendship as it is. That's what I'm afraid of.

[bulletproof]

You know, I've always been there for him, and he... well, he tries I guess.

 

This is a very common theme in your threads. You are there for everyone, but never feeling that you are getting reciprocal treatment. I think you might be playing the martyr a little bit. The best thing you could do, in my opinion, is to start doing things for yourself and not worrying so much what everyone else is doing or not doing around you. Become self-reliant and work on removing yourself from these situations. Also, it wouldn't hurt to be branching out and meeting new people. Perhaps if you start out on strong footing with new friends, you will eliminate this dynamic of you going out of your comfort zone to please them, and then being disappointed when they don't do the same.

[MagzO]

Hmm, I know I can be demanding, but I also give a lot of me to anyone I care for. I would love to remove myself from any of these situations. I want to move out of my house, to be confident enough to leave and to stop depending so much on this one friendship, but I can't. I know it may be difficult to understand, but when you deal with someone depressed, it's not as easy to make them react. I know I am depressed, I know I'm more than just a bit neurotic and I know what I should do, I just can't bring myself to do it. A lot of people have taken advantage of me before and it's hard for me to know when a friendship is real and when it's to get something out of me. My self esteem is very low so I often try to please others, because I feel that's the only way I can get them to like me. I know all of this. I know how wrong it may be, but I also can't change that easily. It's not easy for me to make friends at all. Most people smile and nod and will say anything to get what they want and then they disappear on me.

 

Besides, I have no idea how to make friends in the first place. Everyone around me is way older than me. I don't have a job, nor I go to school or anything that would let me meet new people. And the ones I used to know... I don't want to see them. I'm too depressed and feel ashamed of my situation. It's easy to say 'Go out there and do this!' but when you're feeling this way, it's really hard. I know it's not easy to understand when you're not feeling like this, but trust me, we feel like it's impossible for us to change our situation, and then we do into the horrible loop of I'm ashamed and depressed, I don't want to see anyone so I get lonely, and then ashamed and depressed all over again.

[livelarge]

I've been diagnosed with depression, so I do know how hard it is to get out of the shame cycle. But you have to do it to survive. Right now, you are your own worst enemy because you don't forgive yourself for the way you feel. And you have spent a lifetime treating everybody else better than you treat yourself.

 

Have you read any books on depression? Feeling Good by Burns is a good one. You have to start changing the way you think, little by little.

 

Try this, go for a walk. Every time you are overwhelmingly depressed, get up and go for a walk. Exercise helps release chemicals in the brain that make you feel better. And even if it doesn't help, you will start to think that you are helping yourself.

 

Start writing three things a day that you are grateful for. Don't criticize yourself or think of the bad side of each of those three things, just write down three things that you are grateful for. There are studies that say being grateful also releases positive chemicals in the brain.

 

The shame cycle won't stop until you make a concentrated effort to stop it. And I agree with everybody else, focus on yourself. Treat yourself the way you treat everybody else. It's where your true happiness lies.

 

And if you can't combat the depression by yourself, there's no shame in getting help.

[MagzO]

I'm actually in therapy right now to overcome the depression. Thank you for the advice. I'll look that book up. The walks are a pretty good idea. I used to take walks around the block when I was younger, but crime got horrible here, so it hadn't been safe to be alone on the streets, even during the day. Still, I think I'll risk it. I used to enjoy them, so I might take that up again. The depression actually keeps me from exercising. I used to dance every day, but now I barely leave the bed. Maybe it's time I start again.

[bulletproof]

I know it may be difficult to understand, but when you deal with someone depressed, it's not as easy to make them react...

It's easy to say 'Go out there and do this!' but when you're feeling this way, it's really hard. I know it's not easy to understand when you're not feeling like this, but trust me, we feel like it's impossible for us to change our situation, and then we do into the horrible loop of I'm ashamed and depressed, I don't want to see anyone so I get lonely, and then ashamed and depressed all over again.

 

You make a lot of assumptions with your post. I am currently in one of the darkest periods emotionally of my life, and I know full well what depression can do to a person. I also have known many people who've experienced all levels of depressive episodes. And the cherry on the cake is that I work at a psych facility, so please don't tell me I don't understand depression.

 

You presented a specific problem, and people gave you specific solutions to that problem. My own experience has taught me that while it feels as though I "can't" do things when I am severely depressed, the actual truth is that I *won't*. And forcing myself is my only choice. We do have control over our lives, whether it feels that way or not. Depression may cloud that vision, but if you can get out of bed to hang out with that one friend you describe, then you can get out of bed to do other stuff, too.

[MagzO]

Wow, you're a harsh one. I can understand your feelings though. I've seen your posts around here too. The thing is, we come here looking for empathy, rather than a slap on the face. True, it may be what we need, but the slap usually gives it someone close to you, not some random stranger in a forum. The fact is, I'm not looking for someone to tell me how bad I am at dealing with my depression. I believe we all have our own time to overcome things, and I'm convinced that my therapist is the one who will give me the best advice, because even if you are trained to do such a thing and know about depression, he knows more about me as a person and might know what's best for me to do. Baby steps and all that. I notice what my problems are. He pointed them out to me or, rather, he guided me into discovering them. I know I'm demanding and I know I'm neurotic. But as I said, I'm taking baby steps here, trying to overcome those weaknesses with a professional.

 

But as I said before, I can understand your feelings, all more clearly now that you've admitted being depressed too. I'm going through an anger phase now, although I'm not sure if that's where your aggressiveness comes from. Maybe it's just my impression, but I know it's not just directed towards me. As I said, I've read your other posts too, and your replies to others. Maybe being harsh is the best way to deal with depressed people?

 

I remember my therapist saying that the next step to get out of depression is anger. Anger is a much active emotion than sadness, because when you're angry you do something, even if it is to hurt yourself or others. Once I get through all the hatred I feel towards the people who'd hurt me at some point in my life, I'll be able to move on and do all the things you mentioned. At least, that's what my therapist tells me.

 

...And this got out of subject fairly quickly. xD

 

Anyway, I followed the first advice and sent him a "Are you still alive?" message. He replied saying he's super busy and apologizing. At least I'm glad he's having fun and okay. I was really worried, because there are tornadoes around where he works.

[bulletproof]

I'm going through an anger phase now, although I'm not sure if that's where your aggressiveness comes from. Maybe it's just my impression, but I know it's not just directed towards me. As I said, I've read your other posts too, and your replies to others. Maybe being harsh is the best way to deal with depressed people?

 

The flip side of that, particularly with forum posts/emails/texts, is that they lack tone and therefore are subject to massive amounts of interpretation. My guess is that your victimization (as evidenced in your numerous posts about others' perceived poor treatment of you) causes you to read things through your own filter, as we all do. I do not feel my replies are harsh, because I know the tone I am using. I also think that my replies are based in logic and fact and not emotionally charged, either positively or negatively. At the end of the day, it's an advice forum- so when you put yourself out there, it's a risk, and you might hear things you don't want to hear, but which could also ultimately help.

[MagzO]

Lol you're right. Maybe it's just an impression of mine. Although it's something I've noticed in numerous posts, not just towards me. But like you said, the lack of tone makes me add one of my own, so I might be wrong.

[chitown9]

Hi Mazo. I think that it is great that you are talking with a therapist. Therapists help us work through our issues. I am thinking that prescribed medication for your depression would be helpful. Since depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and there is medication to correct that condition, have you ever considered that option?

[MagzO]

Well, I have, but I really don't want to. My father is a doctor and he's constantly telling me that taking that sort of medication can start a pretty bad addiction. I'm really worried about the side effects as well. I just trust him blindly on this one. I've taken some natural remedies though, but they don't work all that well.

[chitown9]

I see, Mazo. Are their any support groups that you could go to? My mom (now deceased) used to belong to a support group and she thought it helped her and she also enjoyed it. A little history: My mom was depressed and she had a therapist, a psychiatrist who prescribed the medz, and a support group. She thought that they all played a role in helping her with the depression.