It's time I posted here about this problem...

[cant lose]

...that I've had for months. I'm so sorry for the length. But I really want to know people's opinions/advice.

 

My family and my aunt's family have always been close. We live like 300 miles away but visit each other often. When I was an awkward teenager, I used to be very close with my aunt.

 

Well, I'm not that person anymore. You know, during their teenage years, people are still trying to sort of figure out who they are. It was a very confusing time for me as well, so I'd always go to her whenever I needed advice. Now that I'm past that, I've left all the shyness, timidness, non-assertiveness behind me. I have a much clearer view on things and honestly, I don't feel the same "connection" I had with her. In fact, I realized that we are completely different people. Due to this change, I started to notice things I hadn't payed much attention to before (though they were always present/there). I noticed that my aunt would always treat my younger sister badly whenever our families visited each other. Not in a "physical abuse" kind of way, but verbally. And I'm not going to get into the details of that, all I can say is that I wasn't just hearing things because I'd ask other relatives if they had noticed it too, and they confirmed I was right. However, no one was doing anything about it.

 

One day last winter, as we were visiting her, it blew out of proportion. I had listened to her bad mouth my sister for so long that I couldn't take it anymore. She did something unmentionable to my sister that offended me so much that I just exploded in anger and finally told her everything. It was the last straw. We got into a huge fight. The result? She never admitted to being in the wrong and upon realizing this, I knew it was useless so I apologized to her and said that I had misinterpreted her actions (when I clearly hadn't....her own son, my cousin, even told me he was appalled by what she did when I later told him about it). Needless to say, ever since then, our "relationship" has never been the same.

 

She still continues to say things that put my family down (mainly my sister of course). And granted, sometimes she is joking, but I personally believe that you can only joke about some things so many times until it gets old, unfunny, and offensive.

 

My sister and I are visiting her for this summer. I wouldn't have come and voluntarily put up with her if it wasn't for the fact that I love her place and the city she lives in. Also, my uncle and her just recently moved into a new house. And I thought they could also use some extra help moving things around and whatnot, so I promised to help her.

 

However, today, there was a mess in the kitchen. And lemme tell you, my aunt is very obsessive compulsive about cleanliness, especially when it comes to her new house, it's almost as if she thinks it's some sacred place that no one should dare touch. She saw the mess and just started cursing to herself. Lemme tell you though, the mess was made by her own daughter. She didn't know this, but of course she automatically blamed me and my sister and even added that we don't help her at all. She said it in such a rude and unappreciative way that I snapped again. I'm a very lazy person and never do anything around my own house, so it's hard for me to do chores. But I can safely say that I have never in my life done as many chores as I've done for her in the last month. Even when I got sick, I STILL helped her clean the house, which actually made my condition much worse. 15 days later? I'm still not fully healed. No, I'm not kidding.

 

In the end? She kept making up excuses such as "I was just speaking in general, I didn't mean YOU"....but I'm thinking it was very specific instead of general and she was indeed talking about me and my sister making a mess and not helping. It made me feel very unwelcome and as if she only wants me there because she wants someone to do chores for her. You guys might not think this is such a big deal/problem, but you'd have to know her to completely understand what I'm talking about. I mean, she says stuff like this all the time, and I always let it go until I can't take it anymore and have to say something back. And this is a lot coming from me because I'm the kind of person that doesn't let things go like that, I will always say something if someone is being irrational. Then she starts saying things like "you always take things to heart, I can never say anything around you without you twisting my words and thinking I meant something different than what I actually meant". But the thing is, she says so many things that she apparently "doesn't mean" that I don't know WHEN to take her seriously anymore. To put it as nicely as I can, she's full of crap.

 

I think that she must know she is in the wrong deep inside somewhere, but she won't ever admit it. Which is very immature. You should hear her trying to be all fakely nice to me after that whole kitchen incident today. It's like her way of saying "sorry". Which I find to be pretty stupid and childish. I mean, the woman is 40-something.

 

Also, now that I'm completely different from the teenage-me she used to know, I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me as much because she tried to have a talk with me a couple of weeks ago about how I should "try being like most people for once" and "get a boyfriend or something". The whole conversation was extremely ridiculous that I don't even know how I sat through it without screaming.

 

Her intentions aren't bad, I'm sure of that. But the things that she says are just out of line a lot of the time.

The thing is, this is the only side of the story you'll get, so of course it's probably subjective, even through I tried to make it as objective as I could.

 

My questions are: am I just taking things way too personally? I don't think this is true, but I still want to hear what you guys think and why you think it.

Would it be a bad idea if I continue with my stay here or should I just go home? Going home is extremely not preferable, but I don't even know anymore.

If I stay, what should I do when she starts talking crap? I have a really low tolerance for that right now. Even if I decide to let it go, it will most likely show in my face.

 

P.S. I tried having a talk with her about everything before, it didn't work because she ended up laughing and not taking me seriously.

[elcie]

If you do decide to stay with your aunt, then it's obvious that you are going to have to change the way you deal with the situation.

 

Letting it build up and then exploding is obviously not the solution. She is not respecting you as an adult so trying to have a conversation with her is not working either.

 

This is what I would do in your situation....I'd keep a low profile and not take the bait with small issues. If something is said that is more important, I would voice my objections in a quiet but confident manner. That way she wont be able to avoid defending herself by commenting on your over-reaction.

 

Choose your battle....make it something that you are confident about...and if you conduct yourself as a calm and confident adult, she will have to treat you as one.

 

I hope everything works out for you!