need a little advice

[sweetharmony]

ok. so we have really only been dating a month but have become quite close. I know fairly close that it was scaring me a little. He wanted commitment and I said I wasn't ready just yet that I thought we should take our time. We also talked about profile thing and I stated that until we hit a commitment/two month mark or something that we felt comfortable with then we would discuss it and I wasn';t sure how I felt yet...but i really liked him.

 

So he updated his profile and now logs in a bit. Ok. fair enough. I haven't said anything despite it upsetting me. But he's been so kind and sweet and generous courting me like crazy. opening up, sharing being vulnerable (both of us) but I'm trying to take my time. he tells me how gorgeous I am and always seems to be afraid I'm going to leave him, questioning why I would be with him. I think he's great other than he is almost my height and being very thin which I'm getting over (I have never said these things to him). our chemistry is great though. this is a guy who is very spiritual, believes in buddhist ideas, we talk about being a good person and doing the right thing and hoe humans are complex and how he really sees good.

 

anyways, since last week he's been keeping distance b/c I haven't committed...but always wants to see me. so we get together last night. I was a bit tipsy and i stayed over-not first time. we were being intimate and I asked him for something. he said no but i kept pursuing and being playful (or so i thought) and said please, please please. yes I was acting childish. well he got really upset. i mean upset. he basically said "I think it's time you leave" I was like, "I'm sorry, wow I was just playing." and he's like "I'm not going to be manipulated." So i said "can we just talk for a minute?" and he's like "I don't think so. I think we should talk tomorrow." we went back and forth like this so I kind of stormed out in a huff b/c I was confused. he basically asks me to leave at 1 am. I sent him text saying "I'm sad the way we left things. that was strange." i didn;t hear back.

 

so i called him later tonight around 5 pm and left message saying "Hey I'm sorry about last night that you feel I maniplated you. I would like to have a conversation at least sober so we can talk abt what happened. hope you're having good day and also thinking about your mom." (mom had surgery). still haven't heard from him.

 

I assume it's over but just astonished at his silence and wish we could at least have a conversation. I am fairly intuitive when it comes to men. this is not a guy who would ever use a woman or mistreat her or leave her hanging. he was married for a number of years. he's only 33 but he just seems like he would do the right thing and at least send me a reply text or e-mail something saying, "Hey sorry, things won;t work, good luck" or something to that extent. I'm confused by silence. what do i do? I really like him and sad it ended like this.

[mouseno4]

What did you ask him for exactly?

 

I wouldnt exactly say manipulative, but a little demanding. I doubt he thinks its over. It really depends on what this something was.

[RedDress]

I think he probably feels a little like you were using him for sex. I mean... you wouldn't commit. Then, you were pushing your own sex agenda...

 

I'm not sure that this one can be bounced back from. If you were sleeping together - were/are you really ok with the idea that he might be sleeping with others? Do you want him to be ok with that idea?

 

I really think you can do one of two things:

 

1) Let it go. You weren't compatible. He wanted to move faster than what you were comfortable with. He wasn't the right guy.

 

OR

 

2) Wait a week and try again. Don't mention the incident. Don't mention anything else. Just tell him that you missed him and that you'd like to see him again. Ask if he wants to go to a movie or something else non-sexual.

 

I'm not sure this is much different than when a girl feels played with/used for sex. Can a guy come back from that? Probably not if her mind is made up. Same goes here - just switch genders.

 

Sorry that it worked out that way... these things happen.

[mouseno4]

I think you missed that it was her who was pushing. The only thing he wanted was commitment. Which she refused.

[RedDress]

I think you missed that it was her who was pushing. The only thing he wanted was commitment. Which she refused.

 

No... I got it. He wanted to move faster (emotionally, commitment-wise) than she was comfortable with. That's the crux of the issue. If she had said "yes" to the commitment, I doubt he would have felt "manipulated" by the playfulness. MAYBE he would have anyways. But I kind of think he sees it as one big thing. First, she rejects the commitment. Then, she begs for oral (

 

See what I mean?

[DN]

So... he feels used. Like, he's not good enough to date, but he's good enough to get her off.

I think this is very likely the cause or something close to it.

[sweetharmony]

thanks for comments. there's no way he thinks i was using him for sex. we were not having sex just making out...i hate to say it on here but i was asking for something else. it was an ADD med that he takes that i asked to try. yes bad i know. i didnt actually want it was the funny part. we had joked that I was ADD the day before and he loved my nervous energy. he thought it was adorable. i said maybe i should try that stuff and he said yeah i can arrange that...in a playful way and i joked back oh so youre pushing drugs on me! we were joking. in fact he knows how i feel about psych meds as i had stopped taking my antidepressant several mos ago. he had also been depressed in past and said that this new drug did wonders for him bc he could barely read anymore and hes a journalist and researcher for business. i told him my sister was on it and it worked wonders for her maybe it would help me but i was scared that it was addictive bc its speed. but that maybe it could help. he was encouraging me. he even knew my ex was on it and i helped my ex get off it. so no way would i be or get addicted to this.well last nt i was drunk and joked abt trying it. when he said no i was like but you said yest. that you would! i thought i was being playful saying please please... i didnt even want the thing. i can get it anytime if i needed it. he just got upset understandibly. i get why hes upset. i was acting childishly and should have shut my mouth but i didnt realize how upset he was until he basically asked me to leave

[DN]

If it was Ritalin then he may have thought you were serious because that can be misused.

[RedDress]

Oh.

 

Okay... well, then, yeah - maybe he thought you were being serious.

 

Or - my comments above may still stand but replace the word "sex" with "drugs".

 

It's kind of confusing when someone refuses commitment. It makes you wonder what they are doing/what their motivations are. Especially if you are still hanging out with him and making out with him... I'm sure he's trying to put it all together... then you were insistant (if only playfully)... Or maybe he's just jaded that way. Maybe his ex simply begged for stuff when she wanted it.

 

How about giving him a call and saying something like "You know... I was just joking the other night. I really like you and I really want to be with you, I just want to take things slowly. I hope you can forgive me for being insistant. I was just joking around. I didn't realize you would take things that way"

 

At the end of the day, if he feels manipulated and he's made up his mind that this is what you were doing... well... there's not much you can do about that. It's unfortunate. But it is what it is.

[sweetharmony]

it was adderrall similar type. we had talked about it seriously the day before and he was the one who suggsted i try it bc he thought maybe i had ADD and even offered it playfully. i have had plenty oppty to try it in my 32 yrs. i have done a bit of stuff in past (had shared this wit him a while back) socially but never addicted or abused. i work with substance abusers and also struggle with idea of taking rx of psych meds.

[DN]

Well, perhaps he will call tomorrow - he may have been busy today.

[sweetharmony]

well he didn't call and updated his profile on the site we met. i guess that's my answer. just seemed weird that he would not send a text or email or any kind of closure. I was working my way up to commitment. I feel deep in my heart that he liked me a lot and felt I was out of his league and felt I was going to leave him eventually. I feel he was afraid to risk it. He'd says things Wed...I don't know why I ask but I'm afraid you might not see me again or you make me so nervous or "your gorgeous. thank g-d for women like you who like guys like me." or I love your energy and sweetness. or I don't want to be in a relationship where all I see you is for fun. I want a relationship. I think he thinks I was using him until i found something better. The other day he told me he is the happiest ever with me...he bought me earrings, he is courting me, he said he's risk his job just to spend another minute with me. I'm just baffled. I wish I could tell him that I wasn't using him-it's not true. I have always said nice things to him how I love to kiss him, he inpsires me. I have never said a mean thing...maybe playing a few dating games...but isn';t that normal? I mean waiting and taking it slow so you're not so vulnerable and not committing so quickly. we're both in our 30s and me esp. don't have time to waste.

he most def updated his profile and I'm sad b/c of misunderstanding. I know only one month but I really feel that this could have gone somewhere special.

[DN]

He'd says things Wed...I don't know why I ask but I'm afraid you might not see me again or you make me so nervous or "your gorgeous. thank g-d for women like you who like guys like me." or I love your energy and sweetness. or I don't want to be in a relationship where all I see you is for fun. I want a relationship. I think he thinks I was using him until i found something better.

 

maybe playing a few dating games...but isn';t that normal? I mean waiting and taking it slow so you're not so vulnerable and not committing so quickly.

Oh dear! So this guy is really insecure, thinks you are out of his league, thinks you might not want to see him again and wants a relationship.

 

And then you 'play a few dating games' by waiting, taking things slow etc.

 

Don't you think that 'playing some dating games' with a guy like that wasn't being very wise?

[sweetharmony]

Hey just an update-even more confused. So I sent him an email Thurs night- I waited 5 days to give it space. I wrote Heyl,

 

I am really sorry about what happened Saturday night and re: us. I do care and I am sad about what transpired and would like to meet to talk. I feel we have a good connection on many levels even though a short month. I don't wish to get into it all in an e-mail so I hope you agree If not, I wish you peace and happiness.

xo sweetharmony

 

He responded within a few hours and said "Hi sweetharmony, I appreciate you writing to apologize. Why don't we talk over the phone soon. Tomorrow should work for me. Hope you're well."

 

We tent made plans to speak Friday eve at 11 pm but he wrote at 11 "Hi. In bed and wiped. Hope you had a nice week. Will be at home all weekend. So call anytime."

 

I texted him instead of email and wrote: "Hey just got home and got your email. I am wiped too. talk tomorrow?"

 

He replied "surely. sweet dreams"

 

I called at noon yesterday (the day after) and he answered right away and he was on his way to his parents. We spoke briefly-chit chat for a couple of minutes, he asked me about week. I told him I had a cold not feeling well and he said I can hear you sound a congested and told me he was stressed working 15 hour days since colleague quit. He then said, I am now at parents can I call you at 3 or 4? Will you be around? I said, "sure, gonna stay home since I'm not feeling well."

 

He never called or texted. He logged into dating site.

 

Should I just be done? tables turned. Is he trying to be nice or does want to speak and just hesitant? Normally, I would move on after month, but we really connected and I feel like I kept him at arms length and he got scared.

[sweetharmony]

any thoughts? please advise next step! move on...or reach out just one more time...he's sensitive so maybe wants me to give him reassurance...or just wants me to leave alone?

[DN]

I think you should move on unless he calls within a day or two and explains why he didn't call back.

[sweetharmony]

ok. so I didn't take no contact advice. Normally after such short time I would move on, b/c it would be apparent it wasn't right....but a good friend and my matchmaker suggested that I take the risk and call him to tell him directly that I want to try and make it work 100% because I was the one playing games and not being direct about what I was looking for from him. Here is this great guy who wanted exclusivity and I had told him I wanted to date around when that was just not the case. We had good future potential future-not solely based on infatuation, although that is a part of it. I did call him one more time Wed eve....if anything to at least have closure. I can't explain it but a part of my intuition told me that he still was really interested. My friend who encouraged me said, "yes! you can know if someone has potential in one month. You obviously like him...let's take a risk, what do you have to lose since you already wrote him off that he doesn't want to speak to you. so who cares if he didn't call. you were the one playing games. let's have a breakthrough and create a possibility. maybe he needs you to chase a bit since he already did that. maybe he needs some reassurance! Let's just do this and see what you can create!"

 

So I called. He called me back at 11 and told me he was really happy that I reached out again and that he wanted to speak to me but was overwhelmed with everything and (he's working 7 am-11 pm every day) since colleague quit. He told me that he agreed with everything I wrote in the email about us connecting on many levels and felt guilty and bad for his silence and how things ended on both ends but just didn't know how to process at that moment. He said that we should meetup this Sunday to discuss things. I told him I was nervous for calling and was kind of tongue tied in what to say...but he was so soft and kind saying..."sweets don't be nervous, it's me. of course you can call I'm really happy you did but I do think we need to meet and discuss."

 

Not sure where he's at...possibly feels guilty and wants to end it officially in person- at least to give me closure in the very least which feels better than the way it ended. or maybe we can discuss moving forward. I know I should have just moved on since only one month...but I feel I screwed it up. He wanted exclusive and I was dating others not giving it a real chance. I am dating for marriage and I've met too many people I didn't connect with and I'm not giving up until I at least did everything I can. I don't feel pathetic calling, even if our Sunday meeting is to end it officially-that would actually help me move on. the validation and unanswered questions. I have good intuition and I really sensed a future with this guy. people give up too easily when a little bump happens, you can see this even in marriage. too many failed relationships for really stupid reasons. maybe I'm being hopeful, but I have to be. this is a good guy despite his silence. I really think he's depressed right now and burying himself in work.

[DN]

Don't predict anything - see what he has to say and be ready for any eventuality. His responses seemed more positive than negative.

[MyNinja]

Wow. You've been through a lot with this guy only knowing him for about a month. I wouldn't expect anything other than to let things happen naturally based on the circumcstances.

 

He seems all over the place and a bit insecure and confused. I could be wrong but that's what I'm sensing. He seems to want to you around so that's a good thing. I say take things slow and "start over" so to speak to rebuild the relationship.

 

Until we meet again...

[Batya33]

I agree with DN. I had a similar situation many years ago where I asked for a second chance and by that time he was ambivalent. We dated on and off for a few years and then he met his future wife who ironically looked like me. I regretted not being ready for exclusivity at the time but later realized we weren't a good match.

[sweetharmony]

We met on Sunday...and we are even closer than before! He said that he was really happy I reached out and pursued him as he needed the reasssurance from me. He too appreciated that I got out of my comfort zone and became vulnerable to go after what I wanted. He apologized for taking space but was a little scared about my behavior-said I seemed out of control that night - and needed clarity. He needed space and distance and could not handle speaking at the time. He apologized for not being in touch but it was a measure of self-protection as he has really strong feelings for me and didn't know what to do or how to handle. He thought I was just playing games and not serious at all about relationship. He doesn't want me to change or act differently as long as he understands what's going on. He was so empathic and reflective and asked me to be more direct about my feelings instead of playing games and he will do the same.

 

He said he has difficulty with uncertainty, and so do I...so we set some ground rules for communicating going forward and assured one another that we are all in and exclusive to give it a real shot. He said my behavior wasn't so bad and he holds no grudge it just worried him moreso. He said he trusts me now so we don't have this huge wall to climb back up.

 

Then we shared more and feel even closer. He said our talk was even better than he imagined and he is no longer confused and really happy. He in fact said that he feels even closer to me and appreciates my confidence in initiating us meeting and is really excited I feel the same about him.

[DN]

Good for you- glad it went so well.

[sweetharmony]

thank you everyone for your support!

[sweetharmony]

Hi everyone...stuck a little again or maybe in my head. We went for date on Tuesday evening to a documentary we both wanted to see. He was a total gentleman...held my hand a little, then we went for walk and to a diner afterwards to talk. It was nice...not passionate..just sweet, low key...almost nerve-wracking like we were on a first date where we were just starting to get to know one another- the basics, family, grew up, high school life...etc...really felt like starting over! and I don't like it. (no alcohol). He said some really nice things...like "I'm so nervous"...and I ask why...and he said. He "feels like a first date with such a stunningly beautiful woman". He told me I looked incredibly beautiful when I talked about my family. He said, "I'm serious on the outside but lighthearted on the inside and you are so lighthearted and free-spirit on the outside but so serious on the inside. I think we complement one another." We talked about the dating site where we met (same religion) and he said something like.."well would be nice to meet a XXX (religion) girl, not necessary. but regardless, If I went to another site, I wouldn't have met you."When we left, we got in a cab...cab dropped him off and then he paid for my cab the rest of the way. small, light kiss and that was it. He said when he was leaving, "I hope we can do this again sometime." arggg. no official plan... and he texted me when I got home..."Hi sweetharmony this is me, the guy from the first date. I just wanted to say you're very sweet and so much fun to talk with. Hope we can do it again soon.

 

I responded: "Surely, I had fun too. Sunday was our first date though. Please don't wait too long!"

 

It was all sweet, but he didn't make a plan! I don't like not knowing where his head space is-like when I could tell he was crazy about me. I know I should be happy he's not purely being physical but I'm thinking he's taking space. arggh. I guess we kind of need to start over more slowly...but I want to start where we left off esp. since we had such a deep conversation. Maybe he needed a more light convo after that deep, serious convo we had Sunday. maybe it was overwhelming and he needed convo light. Ok. I'm overthinking again.

[sweetharmony]

Question is...it's Thursday now...so we have nothing planned. I wanted to see him tomorrow as that's really my only day avail this weekend as I'm going to visit friends. We didn't talk about this weekend...and I hate waiting. He used to text me immediately asking for next date so we planned in advance. Our date for Tuesday was planned when we were together Sunday.