Why can I still not Accept that it has to be over?

[LN1987]

Oh boy. Bad morning today... We broke up march 23rd, after he suggested it on March 07th 2011. We have been in contact (all from my end), we have slept together, he has been horrid to me, I have begged, I have tried to accept my own mistakes, I even agree that at the time we broke up it HAD to happen, we were both unhappy, it wasn't working...

 

So WHY am I still holding onto the idea that it COULD work? I honestly believe that given the time I have had away from him, I have realised my own issues, and would like to show him we can be happy. I don't get why he is so set on not giving me a chance, why he has t believe we would never work, why he doesn't value me or want me in his life. It is killing me.

 

I think about him all day, all night, I really want him to want me back.

 

He is everything I want in a partner, so why does he not see that in me

 

(yes i am in therapy so please don't just tell me i need it)

[blackhawks1287]

It still has not been enough time, and contact with him will only make the time needed to heal longer.

 

You need to just go STRICT NC, like every one has said, picture him with someone else moving on, and just let go of the situation.

 

You are putting him on a pedestal. There are always always always faults with the other person. Find them and uncover them and realize that this might be the better thing.

[LN1987]

Yes he had faults, so did I. I suppose the biggest thing is he won't look at his faults, only mine. (not that many, I was a little clingy and got upset at small thingns which I am of course not doing anymore...)

 

He seems to think that because we argued over nothing a lot, that we would never make it. we argued because he made me feel insecure in the relationship, lack of affection or care from his side.

 

I don't know I guess I just wanted it to work so badly and am shattered that it hasnt.

[LTS48]

*********************

[LN1987]

*************** ?... please explain

[AutumnBorn]

Do you not find it strange you want someone who's horrid to you?

 

Villanizing the partner is how the initiator justifies leaving the relationship. Read Uncoupling. It explains it all.

[blackhawks1287]

Do you not find it strange you want someone who's horrid to you?

 

Villanizing the partner is how the initiator justifies leaving the relationship. Read Uncoupling. It explains it all.

 

Can you elaborate or sum this up? I am waiting on the book and do not have it yet.

[LN1987]

Ive read it.

 

I am not sure why he needs to villanize me though. I was never mean to him, I made some petty mistakes like calling too much or getting upset at his lack of affection, but really, do I need to be the bad guy?

 

He is not a bad guy which is why im so stuck. he is the nicest person in the world to everybody else.

[Mustachio]

Well your post title asks the question "Why can I still not Accept that it has to be over?" then you go on to say that you have remained in contact, continued to sleep with him, etc etc. You wonder why you are having trouble accepting that its over, he is still in your life in a major way. You say he is not a bad guy, but he has been horrid to you, probably because you are offering him just enough of what he wants, but then pushing for more. I am not excusing his behavior, but I can understand that having someone he doesnt want to be in a relationship with constantly pushing him to be in a relationship might set him off.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but you are having trouble accepting it because he is still throwing you enough scraps. So regarding all the trouble you are having, its never going to get easier until you finally just accept it and actually start to move on, no more of this hanging on to scraps of a relationship.

 

You are already in therapy, which is good, so I wont try to analyze you (cause Im not qualified) but end this charade. Its going to hurt because it will be moving in the opposite direction of what you want. But it needs to be done, because he seems to have made it clear that he is not going to give you want you want and does not want the same thing. Think of it like ripping off a band aid, it hurts for a little while then its fine, or... you could slowly rip it off, prolonging the pain. Your choice.

[LN1987]

Thanks Mustachio. Yes I guess I just knew why he doesn't want me. I am not going to go over the ins and outs of us, but I still feel like it could have worked he just has this sense of freedom that he needs to be the person he wants to be, I don't know.

 

I am getting better, I just hate the rejection, and the fact that he seemed to have to destroy every bit of good that we had in order to jump over that break up boundary. It has been so very unpleasant and self-deppreciating.

[GrowingIn]

Ive read it.

 

I am not sure why he needs to villanize me though. I was never mean to him, I made some petty mistakes like calling too much or getting upset at his lack of affection, but really, do I need to be the bad guy?

 

He is not a bad guy which is why im so stuck. he is the nicest person in the world to everybody else.

 

Sometimes it's just simply because of guilt relief. Others it's because some of what they think may be true, or at least certainly true to them.

[LN1987]

I guess I am still just unsure about how it all came to be so unstuck. We were the couple everyone thought would marry. He just seemed to fall out of love, which made me cling, which destroyed any chances.

 

He keeps telling me ex's never work. Well I disagree, but of course whilst he has that mindset, no we would not work.

I hate this I really do

[biffbangpow]

with me, it's been over a year and I still find it hard to accept so I could understand how you feel. Yeah I think about the lousy stuff she did to me but also the good times that I miss a lot.

[LN1987]

hey biffbangpow. DO you talk to your ex? Do you now accept that it would never work or are you still not quite there?

[biffbangpow]

hey biffbangpow. DO you talk to your ex? Do you now accept that it would never work or are you still not quite there?

 

still not quite there but trying and hopefully soon I can change that. My story is pretty much here:

 

 

[lucasky]

Maybe he's just being mean to you right now because he's trying to make you understand that to him its over. He probably is a nice guy. You fell in love with him for a reason after all. But its time to move on. If he doesn't want this, there's not much you can do. If you can't acknowledge this for yourself, then perhaps do it for him. Acknowledge that to him, it is over. You can no longer act like his girlfriend because he does not see you that way, even if it is not over to you.

 

That may help. I'm not sure. You WILL heal though!

[LN1987]

I know I understand he doesn't want me, I guess I would just like to know why? I wanted him in my future, I thought he felt the same. I feel like I am not good enough? But then, I am... It is very confusing and my heart is still broken. I guess I want him to fall in love with me again, I am not even sure why he fell out? It is really crushing to my self being.

[lucasky]

The reason you want to know is so that you can either a) reason against it or b)change yourself. If it was something you couldn't change - like say, he just is not feeling a connection anymore - then you'd probably reject it, right?

 

Its time to accept that no matter the reason the end result is the same. If you keep searching for a reason that you'll accept, then you're never going to find one, because you don't want to accept that its over. Does that make sense? Him not wanting to date you should be reason enough.

[biffbangpow]

with me, I just seem to focus on the good and forget about the bad so much. Maybe that's your same problem? I think a lot of people who deal with this think like that. They remember a rosy picture of the past but in hindsight I see all the things that were so wrong as well. I still mostly focus on the good though and it makes me feel nostalgic and wanting it back. That's my big problem. It's definitely a tough thing to get over.

[No1]

I was in your shoes once and a friend of mine asked "why do you want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you?" "Why do you want to be with someone when you will be their second alternative to everything in their life?" Then I was told to find someone that will make me their #1. So I reluctantly let go and found someone else.

You wanted to know why your X no longer wants you, there could be many reasons as to why. You might not ever find the answer and if your X told you the truth, you probably wouldnt accept it or believed it. And if you two had problems, if you knew he was horrible for you and to you, then if you got back together now what do you think would happen? It wouldnt be any better than the day you two broke up. I know you know this, but you need time and distance away from you X. Sometimes when the problem is too close to you, you have to step back, take a few breaths, divert yourself, then when your mind is clear, go back and see what the problem is. You have to let your X go, no more sex and talking (I know it feels good to have that moment with your X) but in the end it will hurt you much more and youll have more questions. Its Ovious your X is attracted to you, because you two have sex, but there are other issues that your X is not ready for. Find someone that mirrors your beliefs to what a relationship is. Find someone that is ready for you, to accept all you have to offer, your love, your affections, your laughter, smiles, stories and is ready to make new memories with you. Your X is like spoiled milk, just because you put it back in the fridge it doesnt get better. You have to eventually let your X go. Life will be okay, I promise you if you let them go, the sun will still rise and set. And in the long run, youll be much happier.

[LN1987]

Are you happier with your new person? Ive been in a few serious relationships, no one was as good on paper as this guy. I keep thinking of the life we should/could of had....

 

he was a damn good catch

[Ms Darcy]

I know I understand he doesn't want me, I guess I would just like to know why? I wanted him in my future, I thought he felt the same. I feel like I am not good enough? But then, I am... It is very confusing and my heart is still broken. I guess I want him to fall in love with me again, I am not even sure why he fell out? It is really crushing to my self being.

 

Getting "answers" won't help you. What if he said that you weren't good enough? That would crush you. I think you need to see this as "not a right fit" versus a rejection. He's just not the one for you.

[Mustachio]

Hey Im glad my earlier response could help a bit. And I dont know your full story, but honestly after reading this thread, knowing your story wont affect what I am about to say anyways.

 

You are searching for reasons. You are asking questions of what could have been had X or Y been a little different. You want to know why exactly he ended things. And since you dont seem to have the closure you are looking for, you are coming up with tons of reasons in your head as to why. And each one of those reasons in turn leads you to the conclusion that you could just do something or a few things a little differently to fix things and resume your life with him. You tell yourself that if things were just a little different, none of this would have happened.

 

Whether or not that is true, the fact remains, it did happen, and if he is the one that left, there is nothing you can do to make him come back until if or when he ready and until he does come back, you need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself and what you need to do to move on. And when I say come back, I dont mean sleeping with you, or continuing to talk to you. What I mean is that if he ever truly wants to come back, he will tell you in so many words and until if or when you hear him tell you that he wants to be with you, you need to at the very least remove him from being such a major part of your life and move on. Personally in your case, I think you need to cut contact for a while to allow yourself to heal.

 

And it sucks, but that closure you seem to be seeking, the closure that you think will allow you to finally move on will most probably only come from yourself. And if you wait until you get that closure to really start moving on, you are only going to allow yourself to remain hurt that much longer.

 

I wont beat around the bush, its going to suck, its going to hurt, and at first time will move incredibly slowly and your pain will feel like it will last forever. But once you start making positive changes, things slowly but surely will get better until one day without even realizing it, you will be back to your old self. And one day soon, you will discover that this is actually an opportunity to better yourself in ways you have never imagined and you will start making those positive changes.

 

And until then, we are always here to listen and help. I went through much of the same hopeless feelings you feel right now, and trust me, it gets better.

[LN1987]

thanks. yes NC is the right thing... i just cant seem to get him off the pedestal. i cant even look at other people and think they could compare... does that fade?...

[prettymommy]

I'm sorry you feel the way you do LN1987. I was in your shoes about 3 years ago and it sucks. But you have to learn to accept his decision. I think the reasoning and trying to pinpoint the reasons he ended things is a way to gain back power over a situation in which you feel powerless....

 

In time, yes, he will come off the pedestal. However, when that happens is up to you. I found that the more I got out and built a life for myself and an identity separate from my relationship, one where I met new people and explored new interests, and basically, reinvented myself from the person I was in the relationship, the less and less my ex remained on that pedestal. Eventually, you will get tired of tying yourself to a past that is dead and gone, when there is a whole world out there to explore and experience. Time will reveal his flaws more to you, and make you realize the many ways he was not the one for you. But you got to be willing to challenge your beliefs about the relationship and choose not to see it in such a romanticized fashion.

 

It takes a lot of work, and you can get there. But you have to be willing. Trust me, I was so love-sick over my ex over 3 years ago that I thought my future was over. Now it's hard to imagine what my life would be like if he were still in it, and all the opportunities and experiences I've had since our split that I would have missed out on if we were still together. It took me some time, but now, though I am thankful for the relationship and the life lessons I learned from it, I am also grateful it did not progress any further than it did. You will get there too. You just have to accept, let go, and trust in yourself and your ability to move forward to a fabulous future..

 

Good luck! Oh- and P.S.- N/C does help immensely with healing and moving forward, even the moments where it seems like the most painful thing in the world. Those feelings too fade in time, as you become more equipped and prepared to deal with the highs and lows of N/C.