Should I walk away?

[Ashley7]

Hi all, I apologize if this is too long or something.

 

I have played a popular mmo over the past few years due primarily to dissatisfaction with my college living situation. Because of an unfortunate accident combined with a huge breakup at the end of high school, I have been on and off depressed over the past three years. As a result of being reluctant to jump into a normal social life, I have had the free time and desire to hole myself up and excel at extremely high levels within this mmo (in terms of the various guild/player ranking metrics that saturate the web). However, the deeper down the rabbit hole you go the more serious the people you meet online become about the game itself (obviously). I mean, I know people in my own guild who play games or watch videos about games (...gsl) practically every waking hour and it's considered normal within that subculture.

 

Anyways, about 6 months ago a met a guy online, who I am, for unclear reasons, extremely attracted to. I had never previously been interested in anyone online so the entire experience was really new to me. I didn't even know what he looked like for a while. We started talking about life, about the game, about our futures and I just feel a connection with him that I don't really want to drop. We met irl while I went to a friend's wedding in the same city and I feel like we really hit it off in person. He is attractive, friendly, and kind outside of the game, but here lies the issue: Ingame he can be almost bipolar -- sometimes extremely sweet and attentive, other times cold and/or cruel to me or others. Some days he might text me 50x and other days not at all. At times I feel as though I have to tread carefully with what I say around him. He is in a position of power over me as well, so raiding stresses me out in ways that it never did before. This is because failing makes me feel that I am not only letting down my guild but also someone I care about. Furthermore, there is a decent chance I will quit this mmo upon graduating to free up time for biking/running (which will always be my most important hobby).

 

Now, before you forum-goers all tell me to run away, and that if he is bipolar or something it will never change etc -- consider that he is nothing like that in person. The internet within the context of games can often transform regular people into trolls/morons. I know that he will almost certainly put the game ahead of any relationship he has with me in the present, but I cannot account for the future. After I graduate, he has indicated that I should consider moving near him (also, he is 24 so don't get the wrong idea readers, haha). Furthermore, he has also started running some (for me).

 

I guess what I am trying to come to terms with is: Where is this going? I feel like if I had self-respect I'd see that since he cares more about a game/guild more than he cares about me (at least for now) and walk away. But, I can't help but feel that maybe someday that will change. I have a year to think about things before I graduate, but I don't want to involve myself in some kind of dead-end bittersweet relationship either. I did that at the end of high school and sincerely regret it -- it made me really sad and helped ruin my college experience.

 

Help

[mouseno4]

Internet is a zone of no responsibility and a feeling of anonymity.

 

MMO's are more so in this respect.

 

Put it this way, if you strut your stuff in lets say, lingerie when he is playing his mmo and does not stop on the spot to take up your initiative... then there is a problem of priority. Pretty easy test to see the results.

 

There was a lady on these forums with very similar experiences to you. But she met her guy inside wow, rather than in real life. She knew exactly who he was when she met him and when it came to real life problems, she demanded he stop playing the game completely. I am not saying that is what you should do, but i am just offering you perspective.

 

You cant MAKE someone stop doing something they enjoy. You can in fact offer them something you might consider to be better (how can guys think games are better than sex with a hot girl i will never know). I would try to entice him to be with you instead of the game. Give him a reason why you are better than the game. If he does not bite, then i am sorry to say his priorities are not where you want them to be and the future does not look bright.

 

Oh and worst thing you could do is to try and manipulate him to your way of thinking. Give him the opportunity to open his eyes and actually see you, see what he has - and what he stands to lose if he puts the game before you. Just dont strip naked and get in front of the monitor screen - it may sound kinda romantic etc but heh yeah the old 'can lead a horse to water' idea.

[Ashley7]

I mean, I like the game and see why people play it. I'd never ask him to stop playing games in order to be with me. He loves them and is pursuing game design.

 

I think what it comes down to is just that I am not sure where his priorities are going to wind up if we got more serious. (As for the lingerie comment -- he is actually kind of a prude/overly serious, which is funny considering I thought that was supposed to be the girl's job haha :S)

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Lonewing]

The fact of like is, sex is about 1 to .005% of your life, even though it seems like it occupies 10 or 50%. Indeed,after abotu 15 or 20 minutes, I'm pretty done myself unless she's relaly getting a lot out of it [read; very active partner]

 

WoW, as opposed to sex, offers a lifestyle. I can understand the people who have immersed themselves into it, but I made that choice in the beginning to not only not play the game, but also to not date anybody who seriously plays it or any other MMORPG on a long term basis. I'd prefer someonewho engages in activities that produce real results, as opposed to a profile that looks cool but is otherwise nothing more than a reflection of the time someone spent making something devised by a programmer in about a week.

 

Trying to get anyone in the game to be with you instead is like trying to change their life. It's extremely hard to do.

 

If you're ok with being with him, and understand he's WoW all the time in his life that is not work, and your time with him will be planned around that, forage ahead.

 

And there are more prudish guys around than you might imagine. You'll break him out of if you ever get him to admit he likes what he sees...

[mouseno4]

Like i said, you cant get into a relationship with someone - for example - is a smoker and then expect them to suddenly quit when you get pregnant.

 

Best advice i could give you - since i have been EXACTLY where he currently is - is to make it obvious you are here and that you are BETTER than the game. (if someone did that to me, regardless whether the raid boss was at 100% or 5%... i would drop everything)

 

Feel free to PM me if you want more of my insight.

[Ashley7]

@ lonewing: I completely understand the fact that it is very much a lifestyle. But, for him, his job is games, he comes home late where he watches gsl and plays games and talks about games. I mean we do talk about other stuff, and I watch gsl some too but it can just feel really limited. What I want to know is: is there any chance that someday his life will be more balanced than it is now, maybe when he is a little older? Perhaps I'm just grasping at straws. I certainly don't want to force anything with him, but no girl really wants to be second place forever.

 

@ mouse: I don't expect him to ever quit, but right now close to 100% of his waking hours is spent on gaming and I guess I just wanted to hear from some guys (or gals) that have been in that situation (or with people in that situation) that there is a chance he won't be like that forever. I feel like I am being overly optimistic or naive though.

[mouseno4]

Yep, i was once like him. I am not anymore. Once i already lost a lot of things (no girls thankfully), and finally woke up - it was already too late for a lot of things.

 

I would still suggest you show him that having you is a better thing than having a game. What if the developers of the game totally destroyed his class? This actually happens quite often, and quite often i had to simply stop playing for a while because of that. I can almost guarantee having a girl is 10 times better than being able to play a game. I would really prefer you show him that having a girl can be a whole lot more fun and enjoyable than having an OP class in a game. At least try is all i can say. I would personally consider a girl can quite easily break a guy from his gaming habit if they knew what they were doing. It would work on me

 

And yes, my gaming was LITERALLY 100% of my waking hours.

[Ashley7]

I don't want to give away enough info to risk my anonymity, but you could say that I am at a level where class-balance is really no longer important and that most of us play multiple roles for class stacking. I, for example, am not really attached to my characters but to progression. I mean, he wants to be a dev at some point and is on his way to getting there. I couldn't say "pick me or the game" because it's just such an intrinsic part of his life -- this isn't some WoL addiction or something. I don't even think that gaming is inherently bad; I just don't know if it's something I want to do "seriously" forever (I will always do single player stuff, because it's fun and not too time consuming!).

 

However, he may very well want to game seriously long term and I just don't know if it's something people grow out of eventually (ie: moderate their lives to include gaming as well as other things), or if being plugged in all the time is a legitimate path. I just don't see how anyone could be happy living online I guess. It's ironic because I have spent so much time ingame surrounded by other people, and never felt more alone.

[mouseno4]

Sorry, i have offered you the best advice i could from a perspective exactly the same as your boyfriends. There is nothing more i can suggest.

[annie24]

How many times have you two met in person? I see that you two have an 'online' relationship that's developed - but what about real life? planning real life dates, meeting in person, etc...? aside from the one time you met at a wedding. I don't see that this is a real relationship.

[lucasky]

I agree with Annie.

 

Furthermore, don't get into a relationship hoping to change someone or hoping that they will change. Bad move.

 

Great thing about WoW? There's tons of other cute nerds that will give you the time of day. You probably only like him for his power anyways... right? I kid. But when I played, I raided hardcore and it was my life, and I must say - chattin' with the officers and seeing em exert power made me a swoon. Bwahahahahaha.

 

I also liked the really chill dudes that I could screw around with. ;p

[Lonewing]

Yes, he might stop gaming some day and come back to the real world, but I ask you this, do you want to wait on his dime until that day? And until that day, he will be gaming as if it was his life, because that is his life.

 

I dunno...unless you are part of that lifestyle, it doesn't seem like you're at that point anymore.