Am I going crazy or should I trust my gut feeling?

[Economix]

Little bit of background, been with my girl 6 months - we moved in together a few weeks back. Been with a lot of girls in my time but always consciously disconnect before feelings get involved - it's out of fear. I could go out and meet girls anytime and begin what looked like a relationship but always feared going further because of the hurt caused by my only long term relationship.

 

So, my only LTR: Was together since school, had 2 kids with her when we were 16 and 18 - probably a relationship based on requirement rather than love. About 6 years into the relationship she went out with her friends one night to a club and said she'd be back around 3:30. She never came home so I tried calling her around 4-ish, no answer, I was worried as this in 6 years of life together had never happened. I tried again around 5, and got hung up on. She walked in at 7am completely wrecked with her hair a total mess and I immediately thought the worst although for days she denied anything had happened, just went to a party fell asleep and came home.

 

My instinct was telling me differently but we had kids together that were growing up, we were a family and I forgot about it. She started coming in home from work late and my worries grew - one night the whole staying out late thing happened again, this time around 7am my dad, a taxi driver, come sup to my house said someone phoned a taxi for an apartment block in the next town and when he arrived it was her, kissing someone at the front door. So I was right all along, she admitted it and I left.

 

Then at my lowest I forced myself to get out there, the rest as they say - is history. I discovered how to become pretty good with girls. I spent the next 5 years living the single life to the extent where I could walk into any situation be it bar, club, gym or coffee shop and get the girl, I got that good but always cut if off before I got too close to someone fearing allowing myself to be put in the position to be hurt again. I focused on my professional life and social life only, got myself a job for one of the biggest companies in the world and worked my ass off up to a senior management position. I'm with the same company now and expect to be a director within in next year.

 

Good job, lots of money and really quite good with women- up until around 8 months ago I thought my life was perfect. Then I met someone and let her in a little further than the rest, in the end up I was wrong about her but opening up that little bit was a big deal to me and felt like practice for the real thing and then I met the most incredible girl I've ever met in my life.

 

She is something else. Beautiful, smart, career minded, financially healthy, family orientated, honest, kind and sexy all rolled into one. So we started going out a lot, she stayed at mine - I stayed at hers, I took her to my company christmas party and we slept together laster that week. I felt like I was being given everything I ever wanted in a woman and only a fool would cut this one short - so I didn't, I kept it going and I pushed my personal boundaries to see where this was gonna go.

 

To summarise our relationship, I'd say it's been pretty damn amazing. We've met each other's families, been on some amazing trips and truly do have some amazing memories in the short space of time we've been together. Our sex life is remarkable, beautiful. So we moved into a home together and life has been great.

 

She's been so honest about issues with past partners with me, even down to finer detail including some that are still in social circles in one way or another and one that owed her money that kept trying to get back in touch, she tells me everything. Life was perfect.

 

Then 3 weeks ago it was thrown into chaos by a situation that happened that I am struggling to separate from my past experience. It's driving me insane.

 

She called me when I was at work to tell me her friend - who'd just had a baby and to be honest sounded like she was hitting post natal depression and hadn't been out for a year - wanted to have a girly night out and she was gonna go. I was like ok cool no problem. I came home from work made some dinner had a few beers with her before her friend came round. They sat with me for a few hours before leaving around midnight to head to the club, she gave me a kiss, left her phone as she didnt want to lose/drop it and said she'd be home around 3:30.

 

I felt this strange subconscious fear coming over me but knew it was related to what my ex did in the past so forced myself to fight it and kept telling myself everything was gonna be fine and if I got over this bump then I was finally going to be ok in a deep meaningful relationship.

 

So 4am arrives and she still isn't home so I'm panicking and keep persauding myself it's just my experiences from the past doing this and that it's gonna be fine. She calls me at 4:15 or so from her friends phone and says that her friend wanted to go back to a party and that she said she'd go for a little while but was about to call a taxi and would be home in 15 minutes or so. 5am came and went and she called me from a different number saying she couldnt get her friend to leave and didn't want to leave her there or own but was expecting to get home in half an hour or so. I said ok - no problem and thanked her for calling me.

 

So 6am arrived and still nothing so I decided to call her friends phone back and make sure everything was ok, when I did I got hung up on twice, once while it was ringing and once after it was answered and quickly call ended.

 

At this point all sorts of crazy * * * * ed up emotions are going through my mind so I called the other number she phoned from and it was a guy, I asked to speak to her and he said is this the taxi driver, I said no its her bf put her on the phone please, he hung up. I called back and he rejected the call.

 

So now I'm properly freaking out and it's around 6:30 - did not like it one bit. She arrived home around 7:15 completely smashed apologising profusely. I told her that I did not expect this sort of behaviour from her and it's not something I'm prepared to accept in our relationship - I told her to go to sleep and we'd talk in the morning.

 

So the next morning I asked her the deal, she said that she went to the party, couldnt get her friend to leave and ended up falling asleep on a sofa. She did not know that I had been hung up on several times but couldnt apologise enough for it. I lost it and said I didn't believe her and I said I was leaving.

 

I packed my things and went to a hotel for a week and took some time off work so think. She kept calling me every day saying she understood that I was annoyed but nothing happened and that if she could turn back the clock and change it she would. I told her about my past experience and the similiarites and that I had an instinct then that I was right and I had the same instinct again.

 

Her parents came up to see me and told me that if I had to leave and break it off because of the staying out thing then that's fine, I should if I wanted to - that I'd have every right to but they begged me not to break up with her for fear of her doing anything with another guy because they said she would never do that, at all.

 

The fact that she spoke to her parents about it, and her mum told me that they really went through her and told her how disrespectful it was, made me think that it was more than likely innocent. Her dad said that she's never lived with someone before and wouldnt really have known that it was unacceptable to come in at 7am when in a relatioship with someone who's waiting up for you. I respected their input and I went back.

 

She was in a total mess, in tears for days saying how sorry she was and that it would never happen again, but I still have this doubt, this instinct that she's not telling me eveything.

 

Either I'm right or I'm wrong and my past experience is truly jeapordising the happiness I could have with this girl so I'm torn right now significantly.

 

I love her, I am enjoying life with her - but I can't help but think theres something she's not telling me.

 

If it is all totally innocent, I need to trust her - I know that or I'll * * * * it all up with this sort of mindset.

 

I'm lost, I hope I can find a way out of this mental torture.

[DN]

I think her story sounds feasible.

[alli]

I think you are overreacting. She came home from a party 3 hours later than planned & you're on the verge of breaking up with her because it reminds you of when your ex cheated. Also, she called you periodically throughout those 3 hours to let you know what was going on, and one of those times was about a little over an hour before she got home. If she was cheating on you do you really think she would have taken a time out to run back over to the party & call you? You're freaking out because she called you from some dude's phone. I think there would be more suspicion if she were still standing next to this guy hours later when you called, don't you think?

 

The biggest obstacle I see in this situation is what's going to happen in the future. Are you going to freak out every time she goes to a party? Or not allow her to go anymore?

[Positive_Anonymous]

Hi there,

 

well very interesting story and I can certainly see how you are feeling because I too have been there myself, been cheated on and had these sorts of feelings. I think firstly you have to understand your past relationship and experience, that woman wasn't for you, wasn't good for you and therefore she cheated on you. Everybody is different and it is natural to think and feel that a new person may also try to do the same thing in a familiar setting. You have to understand this is a completely different woman. I think the fact that her parents say she would never do such a thing holds some water and you need to give her the benefit of the doubt unless you have 100% proof that she has cheated on you.

 

Over the years I have learnt that if a woman is disloyal to me then its better I find out sooner rather than later so that I can move on. People who are cheaters can do this at anytime whether at work, in a coffee shop, gym etc...they don't just go to partys! I am in a good relationship now with a decent woman and therefore TRUST her when she goes out with friends etc... now if I were to go nuts every time she want out or came back late then that would surely push any woman away. Its important that you give her the time and space to go out with her friends...IF SHE CHEATS, THEN SHE CHEATS...it wasn't meant to be! But most likely if she is a decent woman she will respect that you trust her and have given her space and will only come back to you which will make your relationship stronger.

 

Its good that you have told her how you feel and you shouldn't be ashamed about this. Speak openly with her and move forward.

[Ms Darcy]

Waay overreacting, I agree. For coming home a few hours later you leave for a week. Now THAT I would find unacceptable in a healthy relationship. Very disrespectful. I think you should apologize for that.

[Economix]

I appreciate the responses, considerably. Thank you.

 

My definition of a healthy relationship doesn't include staying out until 7am. I wouldn't do it and I don't expect it from my other half either. That's a boundary of mine and with all due respect, I don't apologise for it.

 

In all honesty, I kinda know she didn't do anything - I just had minor doubts both because of my past experience and the fact that she stayed out until the next morning.

 

I do appreciate the responses though.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand that we all have our boundaries. My personal boundary doesn't include my partner leaving for a week whenever I upset him. I think you (and she) should really examine that behavior. It's like slicing an apple with a machete. Overkill.

[alli]

My definition of a healthy relationship doesn't include staying out until 7am. I wouldn't do it and I don't expect it from my other half either. That's a boundary of mine and with all due respect, I don't apologise for it.

 

So you were ok with her staying out until 3:30, then she called you a couple times after that including once that was less than 2 hours before she got home & you said it was ok. So you were ok with her staying out all night until 5am but not until 7am? Just pointing out that it doesn't reallly make sense to be upset with her for staying out when you were previously ok with it. I think the thing eating at you the most is the panic you felt when you couldn't reach her. I still think that you are overreacting a bit. If she came home at 5:30am everything would have been fine & dandy? but an hour & a half later & you're disappearing for a week?

 

If you want to end the relationship over this, that is your choice. I personally would talk to her about it and see if there is a solution you both would be ok with. I have a feeling the only thing that will really work for you is if alcohol is involved, you both go or neither of you go. But if I were her I would find this to be a controlling move & would say no deal. I don't know what she would choose though, maybe that sort of thing doesn't matter to her.