Im not sure if that is working

[Anusha]

So Im trying to back of and let my guy come to me but Im not sure if it is working.He havent come after me so far.Yesterday we talked on the phone once (for him to let me know that he couldnt meet me this weekend like I said on my other thread) and he didnt call after he left work.I thought he would specialy seeing that I havent called him several times a day like I usualy do.Today so far he didnt call too.I know he said we couldnt meet but I thought we could at least do some calls.That not suposed to make him come after me? So why it isnt happening?

[Anusha]

This thread is working? I keep geting the message "It might take up to 5 minutes for your thread to appear in the forum's main page" (even though there is more than half hour that I posted it already).

[Anusha]

Please people help me to understand where it is going wrong

[Cadence44]

Again, you're viewing this through your insecurity filter and that's why you think it isn't "working". This is not going to be an instantaneous thing, and it may not even happen with this guy. You've already subjected him to a frequency of phone calls bordering on harassment and constantly questioned him about his feelings and why he doesn't call. You can't expect him to make a complete turnaround once he notices that you're not calling. He's probably just feeling relief now. Maybe, given some time, he'll wonder why you're not calling and start pursuing you again, but there is no guarantee that he will.

 

This change is about you. It is not something you are doing to manipulate his behavior so he can do what you want him to do. You cannot control another person, which is what you're still focusing on. What this is about is changing the way that you have behaved because it pushes people away. This is going to be a change in the way you live your life and you've only just taken the first step.

 

So continue focusing on yourself. Be proud that you've taken steps to change your panicked behavior and go do something that you enjoy. Keep busy and don't sit around staring at your phone waiting for him to call. Do not make your life revolve around a man, because there is so much more to you than that.

[Anusha]

Ok but how long you think that need to get a reaction from him,a week? And dont get me wrong I listened to your post and understand that you trying to show me that Im doing all that for much bigger reasons than to get him coming after me.But I just dont want to lose him and right now Im pretty terrified of that happening.When I was after him I knew it had it bads sides(like anoying him and so on) but at least I got to be with him,you know what I mean? Backing of like that is scary for me,cause now is up to him if we will have contact or not.It isnt on my hands anymore and that scare the hell out of me.

[browneyedgirl36]

It's been ONE DAY since he last contacted you.

 

I have been where you are -- I have felt desperate when my ex did not call me for a couple of days; I made myself crazy over it at times; I had to keep myself occupied to keep my anxiety down. However...unlike you, I kept my insecurities mostly under wraps because I didn't want him to see me as desperate or clingy. I didnt call him, I didn't text him -- at least not very often -- I gave him tons of space EVEN when I didn't want to -- even when I thought I was going to explode because I was so worried he was going to get away. Well, ulltimately he did get away -- not because of my insecurities, but because he just wasn''t "into" me enough to maintain his end of the relationship -- and I know it's for the best. I deserve to be a priority to someone that I'm in a relationship with, and if I'm not, I need to move on. I realized that the relationship was VERY unhealthy for me -- I could never relax; I felt sad and desperate all the time, something I have NEVER felt in any of my relationships or friendships before. I hated feeling that way, and I would never want to feel that way again.

 

Anusha, no one can tell you exactly how long you should wait before calling him, but it sounds as though you get anxious after only a few hours of not hearing from him, and that's not healthy at all. The fact that you're so afraid of losing him concerns me; if you had other things going on in your life, you wouldn't have the time or the energy to work yourself up so much about this. You should never be so afraid of losing someone that you make yourself crazy over it; that's not healthy, and it is an indicator that you are too focused on this relationship -- that you've put all your eggs in one basket for this one thing. What if, tomorrow, he called and told you it was over? You need to have a full life OUTSIDE of this relationship so that if, it doesn't work out, you will have other things to focus on. I fear that if you don't develop other friendships, interests, etc., you will be destroyed if this doesn't work out, and you will find another relationship and do the same thing to yourself.

 

Give him at least a few days to contact you -- say three or four -- and see what happens. I can't say whether he's "into" you or not because you never give him a chance to contact him first -- how would you know if he was truly interested in being with you? If several days go by and you don't hear from him, you might contact him. Then, give it a few more days and see what happens. If he doesn't seem all that interested in hanging out or if he lets a week go by without contacting you, I would say that you're not a priority in his life. No one knows what's going on in his head except for him, and if you contact him incessantly, you will never know whether he really wants to talk to you or whether he's just responding to your repeated contact because he feels obligated to.

[SummertimeSun]

I agree with the two above me! I have also been where you are...feeling desperate and crazy and thinking up all kinds of scenarios as to what he could be doing and thinking. Please just give it some time. From my experience that is the best thing you can do. I also agree that you should give it 3 or 4 days. No one is into feeling smothered or like they have to check in with someone so you want to make sure you don't make him feel that way. Find something to do to occupy your time...maybe read a book, rent a movie, watch tv or talking to people on here. Anything will help...just don't contact him yet. I hope it works out for you!

[BriarRose]

What is the longest you have gone without contacting him? Please listen to the others and give him some breathing room and try to relax a bit.

[Anusha]

Thanks for the suport girls.You are right it have only been one day so I shouldnt jump to conclusions already.I just hate this feeling of not knowing when/if he will contact me.All I wanted was a phone call,that shouldnt be all that big deal.And surprisenly enough I have been where Im now many times before on my past relationships and that just sucks.When me and my ex fighted he used to ignore me and I had to keep waiting for him to contact me and wondering when that would be.I try to be positive and think "Ok hopefuly today he will call me"(like I did this morning for example) but it really feels bad when the day end and there is no call.And then my mind goes crazy with all the reasons for him to not had called or wondering if maybe he doesnt want to be with me.My initial plan is to give it at least 3 days before trying to contact him.I know a week or so would be better to judge if he really wants to be with me but I dont think I can do that so is better start with something I think I can keep.

[Anusha]

What is the longest you have gone without contacting him? Please listen to the others and give him some breathing room and try to relax a bit.

 

Well the past weeks I have been calling him pretty much everyday(most days more than once even) so I think the longest I have been without contacting him was one day(today).

[Anusha]

Im having mood swings right now,Im going from desesperation like thinking to myself "Please call!!!!!" to being really angry and thinking that he doesnt really like me or he would have called already.I just hate being on this situation and wish it would be over already.

[browneyedgirl36]

The mood swings are another sign that you are really, really insecure and need constant reassurance from this guy -- not good. You said you were like this in your other relationships as well, which indicates that this is more about you than about his actions.

 

As I said before, I can't say whether he is really "into" you or not. He seems to need a lot less contact than you do, and it may turn out that you are just incompatible in the end. But...let me ask you this: Do you know why you are so insecure about relationships? Have a lot of guys dumped you? Do you have any really close friends? Do you tend to feel insecure about your relationships with family, friends, peers? I ask because, while I believe my insecurities caused SOME of my anxiety over my ex, I believe that he also played a big part in it -- he was VERY inconsistent, very fickle -- sometimes he would call a lot and text constantly; sometimes he would go silent for days. Some days he would seem SO happy to talk to me and see me, and other days he had every excuse in the world as to why he was too busy to talk to me or see me. Some days it seemed as if I was a priority to him, other days I felt as though I could have disappeared from the planet without him noticing; the funny thing was, his previous ex had told him the same thing -- that she always felt very insecure with him. That rollercoaster really messed with my head, and ultimately, I had to admit that either he wasn't really all that into me or we were just not all that compatible.

 

Since you have said that you have been like this before with other guys, I wonder if you have some underlying issues/experiences that have made you need so much validation from the guys you date, and I wonder if you need this much validation from other people in your life. It's really something to think about. If you can identify the root of the problem, you have a better chance of fixing it so that you can tstop making yourself crazy when a guy doesn't call for 24 hours.

[scarlett27]

Stop chasing him darling x

[Anusha]

But...let me ask you this: Do you know why you are so insecure about relationships? Have a lot of guys dumped you? Do you have any really close friends? Do you tend to feel insecure about your relationships with family, friends, peers?.

 

I used to have a string of one side relationships when I was young.Like I would fall for guys that werent interested on me.I do have close friends but I dont get to see them much often no.And funy enough I dont feel like that on my relationships with family or friends,is more with guys.

 

And when I said that I have been on this situation before I dont mean much about my behaviour.I mean not feeling the reciprocity much,like if I like and care for the relationship more than the other person.Im usualy the one wanting more contact and sufering when that doesnt happen.I used to feel the same way with my ex and often was wondering if he really liked me.That makes me wonder if the problem isnt with me maybe like you said.I dont know if the other person is really giving too litle or maybe is me who is wanting too much.

[penelope13]

Disappointments are the results of unmet expectations. Change your expectations and you will feel better. Currently there doesn't seem anything else going on in your head besides 'when is he going to call me'. Yes you may have called him a bit less, however you still haven't started to refocusing your thoughts. Of course you are going to be disappointed if you are secretly hoping he will call you any minute.

 

Start doing something else with your time. How about your job applications, your schooling, calling all those friends that you haven't seen for some time?

[Anusha]

Im very scared.Im not so sure if I can do this and Im thinking about just leaving all that maybe.I cant handle that not knowing what will happen.With me doing the calling at least I know when I will hear from him so isnt so scary.

[Anusha]

Sorry people I just freaked out a litle bit.I just dont want to lose him.Im really liking this guy and was enjoying to be with him so I dont want it to be over.

[Anusha]

Btw what if instead of not calling him I just tried to reduce it for once a day instead of the several times I usualy do? You think that could have the same efect?

[somethngwrng]

No, you need to do a lot more than just stop talking to him for the purpose of getting him to call you. You need to actually respect the fact that he needs some space and he is not interested in reassuring your insecurity. You need to stop obsessing over him.