Am I not good enough? Started NC

[yeahyeahyeah]

So, started NC.

 

But this is the thing that screws me up the most after being dumped, "Did she dump me because I am not good enough on the whole for her?". Flashbacks on my relationship with her, she would compliment me, but they were normally be hard to come by. Heck I used to get complimented for my looks by other women more then my ex, even though at times she did say I was "good looking". Not once did my ex go out of her way to seduce me in the bedroom in our relationship. I did all the seducing.

 

A lot of my insecurities I had before, are basically now resurfacing. Often, flirt with the idea that she dumped me because I wasn't the package physically AND mentally....I know she loved my personality a lot, that was the one thing she never did stop complimenting - and from the way she keeps on breaking NC, it's clear she still misses that aspect of me. And I know I turned her on, I knew how to do that so well. But I never at one moment in our relationship say I felt sexy, or reassured by her. Rather, it felt like I was flirting with the "friends zone" in my relationship with her...I never truly felt secure.

 

So today just been looking at cosmetic surgery, maybe get a nose job; my nose is one of the things people criticise. I do a good job so can afford it. But at the same time I am hoping that right now, that I am just thinking this way because my thinking is pretty skewed at the moment. I am normally a very confident guy, but today, I have been feeling my lowest in about 8 months. Just can't imagine myself meeting a decent girl, who won't screw me over like this. Also going back into the dating game, just seems so daunting for me right now.

 

Anyone else on here feel like this?

[hausser]

Yes. Do you work out?

[yeahyeahyeah]

Yes. Do you work out?

 

I started too, but since the break up, I have regressed a lot.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

You're going through a rough patch right now...it's natural after being dumped [trust me, I know]. Don't beat yourself up too much. Fact is: You had a girlfriend, so you are desirable. You've had compliments about your good looks from other women as well as your ex, so you're not ugly.

 

Think long and hard before you put yourself through unnecessary surgery. Nobody's perfect. Your nose is not the reason your girlfriend broke up with you, if it was, she wouldn't have been with you in the first place. I mean, you'll notice someone's nose pretty...erm...early in any relationship. You've taken a knock in your confidence. Every dumpee does. With time, you'll be OK. A nose job could go really wrong, then you'll really lose your confidence.

 

You will meet a decent girl, even though it doesn't feel like that now. I'm in the same boat, the thought of going back on the dating scene has scared me to the point I'm considering joining a convent. Sometimes I want to get back with my ex just to save me the trouble of starting all over again. But, I have to remind myself that a few months ago, I dind't even know he existed or that I'd meet and fall in love with him! People get back on the dating scene after many years of being in committed relationships.

 

Keep a positive outlook and don't get the nose job yet!

[LN1987]

I too feel like I am not good enough for my ex. (well actually its more, he thinks that but no-one else agrees) Dont have plastic surgery, its a nose it cant be that bad? I wish I could walk away and say, his loss.... But for some reason I do feel like I was the problem

[yeahyeahyeah]

Thanks everybody.

 

I am just finding it SO hard to be positive right now. Often in my head thoughts of her being with another guy and moving on keep floating in and out of it.

 

I guess part of the reason why I feel so down, is because I worked so hard to get her, and now just like that it is over, because she said so.

[yeahyeahyeah]

And to add, don't have a lot of motivation to do anything right now.

[GrowingIn]

My ex made me feel like this constantly, no compliments, no initiative. I used to tell her and believed it myself that I was not her type. Of course it didn't help that I could see her checking other guys out and they were nothing like me, so it became ingrained in my head. I don't care what anyone says, but physical attraction is very important. I have been on both ends, and it always sucks when its not there. It has nothing to do with shallowness. Some women will date guys for other reasons, while not being physically attractive and it works for guys that have come to accept that. But for me it was tough because like you I was used to girls that found me attractive, complimented me on a regular basis, the whole deal. And honestly, at the end of a relationship it's usually lack of attraction that ends up pulling a woman away, so if she's with you for other needs and you ever screw that up, then you really have nothing to fall back on.

[replytome]

Well my ex was very attracted to me physically and said that I looked like a greek God. Every physical aspect in our relationship on my part was great, sex especially. BUT I was insecure and looked for constant reassurance which removed the attraction, I was also jealous. Trust me when I say this, you are the way you make others perceive you. If you are confident and KNOW that you are the best, and others miss out on not knowing you or being with you, it will radiate and make you VERY attractive. Since she dumped me, this is what I've done and trust me, men and women both notice in the way that men see me as superior and alpha male while women are attracted to me. If I, the same exact person looks wise, would feel insecure and be shy etc and even feel insecure without showing it, these same men and women would hardly notice me.

 

This effect sometimes makes me think the philosophy that the world is just my dream, seem true. hehe.

[replytome]

And what this has tought me is that, while before I used to be so preoccupied with how I look and worrying about girls being attracted to me, I now know that it's all about presentation and how you make others perceive you. You really have to walk into every room as though you own it.

[GrowingIn]

I tried that attitude for years in my life, and yes I attracted a lot of ladies with it. Problem is, it is unrealistic and not sustainable long term. One of the reason I crashed so hard later in life and school. I was brought up to be the best, and always strive for it. In school, in work, didn't matter. Problem is if you put everything on that, and you don't also learn how to be secure and confident WITHOUT being about you being "the best", it will not last. There will come a time in your life when the best get beaten. When you cannot maintain that. And if you've put everything on that, when you come in second, or third, you will quickly realize you may very well crash to last place while the tortoise, the average, balanced, normal human being....will outperform you in the long run.

 

And the ultimate reason why that's wrong: If everyone thought like that, then everyone would be "the best" and you are right back to square one. A better way of thinking is try to be the best that YOU can be, but realize you may not always succeed and even at your best it's very likely you may never be the best....but learn how to accept that, still keep your head up, get along and put on a smile!

[yeahyeahyeah]

I don't know if you had this problem too GrowingIn, but I found with my ex, that as soon as I had a dip in confidence, she left me.

 

Come to think of it, I think my confidence was what was keeping our relationship alive. And now that my confidence is at an all time LOW, this girl playing with me a bit.

[replytome]

I probably phrased it wrong, I am fully aware that i'm not ''the best''. But I think it's still very healthy to believe that I am awesome, and that belief needs to come from within, otherwise even if 99 people say you're awesome, only 1 saying you're not will bring you down.

 

I am however still working on not being too affected by what others think. Hard thing to do.

[GrowingIn]

I don't know if you had this problem too GrowingIn, but I found with my ex, that as soon as I had a dip in confidence, she left me.

 

Come to think of it, I think my confidence was what was keeping our relationship alive. And now that my confidence is at an all time LOW, this girl playing with me a bit.

 

Sure, absolutely. But again, I know me and I know I am going to have ups and downs, and there is no way from now till the day I die I am going to be 100% Mr Confident, always positive. I go through phases. I knew I was going to have issues with my ex when she told me from the start, "I lose respect for my bf and eventually fall out of love with them the first time I see them be weak".

 

Well I knew that I was doomed to fail, because I knew at some point I would show a moment of weakness, and I did. But I also think that is an issue with her. She had plenty of moments of weakness in the relationship and I picked her up every time. Never used it to manipulate or take advantage of her. Never made me see her in a different light. Of course, on top of that, it doesn't help when you can tell she is purposely looking for ways to make you feel weak.

 

Then you got two problems on your hands. Honestly, a lot of that has to do with your significant other. Now I'm not saying you should be a big cry baby that needs her to pick you up more than you do to her. You have work to do in that case, but if you are generally confident, up beat, and when you lose confidence, they walk away after that first step, instead of at least trying to help you restore it.....I really feel like that's on them. And for me that's exactly what happened. Not only did I not get any help, but even when I tried doing it on my own, and picking myself up and being a little cocky, she would act unimpressed in such a way to keep me feeling low. Honestly in that case, I feel the woman has not matured yet.

[replytome]

A lot of similarity with my ex. Quite horrible really, to believe in the illusion that your significant other will be there when you need them. I once stayed home from work for ONE day, because I felt under the weather, and I did so because I knew that it would have no repercussions, and she actually got angry with me saying that I was clinically depressed...really pissed me off, but as always she made me think I had ACTUALLY done something wrong and I went out to buy her a wallet she had wanted for a while. It was received with an angry ''thanks''. Never again!

 

From now on I will see things and people as they are and not as I wish them to be, I can't change anyone and I will not try. First red flag and it's bye bye from now on.

[yeahyeahyeah]

A lot of similarity with my ex. Quite horrible really, to believe in the illusion that your significant other will be there when you need them. I once stayed home from work for ONE day, because I felt under the weather, and I did so because I knew that it would have no repercussions, and she actually got angry with me saying that I was clinically depressed...really pissed me off, but as always she made me think I had ACTUALLY done something wrong and I went out to buy her a wallet she had wanted for a while. It was received with an angry ''thanks''. Never again!

 

From now on I will see things and people as they are and not as I wish them to be, I can't change anyone and I will not try. First red flag and it's bye bye from now on.

 

Had the same problem, ex could be very self absorbed. In her case, I don't think she realises it.

 

There was one time I had cut myself, it was only after 40 minutes, she goes into her purse and gets a plaster out when she could clearly see that I was in discomfort. She took her time with it, because she was so into how she was feeling at that moment in time. It took her to feel more comfortable with me, in order for her to come to my aid.

 

I had my most power when I acted like a single man in a r/ship.

[scarlett27]

you need to build up on YOUR SELF ESTEEM please get some books - dr phil - self matters is great - the relationship was not right that dont mean u werent right , tis the relationship x

[yeahyeahyeah]

you need to build up on YOUR SELF ESTEEM please get some books - dr phil - self matters is great - the relationship was not right that dont mean u werent right , tis the relationship x

 

Just taken a weekend course on it.

 

Had a short term boost, then felt like * * * * again - when the realization that I got dumped hit me.

[scarlett27]

u need to fight it , no one can make u feel inferia without ur consent

[myheadvsheart]

FWIW, I'm doing this to myself right now. I used to run marathons and half-marathons. Some trauma - a really bad flu and another virus - took me out of running and then I picked it up again, but I gained 40lbs. He knew this, still attracted to me, etc. I however, don't feel comfortable and I hate looking at my body in the mirror. Sure I've picked up working out again and I've been at this long enough to know how to cut quickly and effectively. I mix up my workouts and today I was doing Zumba today and it was all I could stand to keep looking at the instructor's foortwork so that I wasn't looking at myself in the mirror. Thing is I registered for a 1/2 marathon in his town months ago so I already started training for it. It was the same race last year that he blew off when he forgot about another engagement and would be out of town. I talked to a friend of mine that I ran with last weekend about doing it with me and she was totally up for doing it and understood that it would be awkward to be there by myself. So I'm grateful that she's willing to do that.

 

I felt intimidated with my ex sometimes as my ex is good looking by any standard, but I don't think he needs me to say it, I believe he knew it and he had no problems getting compliments. I used to think he'd need a model or someone hyper-sexual. He assured me he just wanted someone compatible that he could love and love him back. I chose to focus my compliments on his other qualities and accomplishments. I wanted to emphasize how important character and substance is to me, not just that we think the other is pretty. It's clear to me that he needs to be praised for this as well. I remember once he gained some weight and he felt like he needed to lose weight and was insecure about it, but I was attracted to him the way he was, I cannot reassure him of this - sometimes we all obsess about our flaws to the point that we want other people to validate our attractiveness, to a fault.

 

The good news is that I sweat so much today that I didn't have time to sulk or get upset thinking about him. I think about making a minor change to my nose, profile, but I've felt that way for a long time - long before he ever showed up. It's not unusual that you want to change your appearance but your reasoning is what is concerning "wondered if you weren't good enough and it's your looks" that is concerning. That's your confidence taking a beating right now. Mine is as well, it's expected. Just keep working on you - try to laugh when you can and that will attract more people to boost your confidence.

 

As a woman, yes we care about physical looks, but not the way that men are - they are very visual. We care about a man's confidence, consideration of us and I hate to say this - we want to feel safe when we're with him. Not that he'll pick a fight with anyone - kind of safe, but that he can take care of me, by making responsible, smart decisions and can handle a situation if need be. Calculated risk is one thing, but when he's thrill-seeking and irresponsible that it leaves us feeling vulnerable. No one wants to be a parent to their partner in life and that is more of a reason to check out then a man's facial features.

[motleylou]

I just went through that same rough patch, but don't worry you'll come out with your confidence and dignity again. Like you my ex gf didn't really compliment me the last 2 months of the relationship, even though I always told her how beautiful she was. I believe it was on her part that she didn't want me to feel like I had the upper hand. She was I believe a very insecure person who didn't know how to compliment people, and didn't want to give me too much. After awhile it did start to take it's toll on me and I hated saying how good she looked when I really wouldn't get much back. It will hurt for awhile but on to the next and find someone who will put just as much as you into a relationship as you. I always felt like it was 70% me and 30% her. I never felt secure in the relationship either, I always felt like we were one big fight or one thing going wrong away from a breakup. I just thought it was normal at the time but now after 6 weeks looking back at it, I was walking on egg shells and that's no way to be in a healthy relationship. When you feel like it had to be good all the time then it's destined to fail.