SummertimeSun Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I am involved in a long distance relationship with a man in the Air Force. We live in 2 separate states and I drove to his house yesterday to see him and try to work out some problems we have been having. He is 27 and I am 28. He has one seven year old child who he has been pretty open with me about. He has split custody with the child's mother and I have even met and spent a great deal of time with his son. I was planning on getting engaged to this man sometime this year. During our relationship he has admitted that he has serious trust issues because his ex-wife supposedly cheated on him. He has questioned me in great detail about my previous relationships and I have been completely open and honest with him about the good and the bad. I have nothing to hide. Last night during a conversation I asked him if he had any other children. He said to me, "How did you know? I have a daughter." Obviously I had no idea he had a daughter and was just asking randomly. He told me that he slept with a friend of his after the divorce (supposedly) and that she got pregnant after one time. He said that he told her he did not want to have another child and she chose to keep the baby but not to let him have any contact with her. He says this child is 5 years old and he has no other information. He told me that he pays child support monthly to them. I was extremely upset that he has been hiding this from me for so long. I feel so betrayed because he has made an effort, as well as his mother and father, for me to get to know his son. I had no idea he could of had another child. He is now saying he has always told me the truth...that I should have asked him sooner. The other thing that I have a major issue is the fact that he is now saying based on the "judgmental" way I reacted he should have never told me. He says I should trust him because he chose to tell me and he could have easily gone his whole life without me knowing...including walking down the aisle together. Obviously that brings up a score of other issues. Wouldn't I have noticed money missing from the bank account each month? I know I may sound naive but I try to think the best of him... I was so upset that I left immediately and drove all the way back home which was not the brightest thing to do at the time but I was just so hurt. Now I am not so sure what to think. I still wonder if there is more to the story that he is not telling me. I need some advice...I question myself so much with him. I worry that he is such a good liar and manipulator that he makes me feel as if I am the one that is crazy or "wrong." Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Also if you need more information to make a good judgment call feel free to ask. Link to comment
RedDress Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I don't think you should marry this man. You know... I understand the whole "you should have asked me" thing... that holds water when it comes to previous relationships, etc. But when it comes to a CHILD? Oh, no, no, no. That's crazy. You should not have to ask him if he has more children. This is a major part of himself that he should have revealed to you upfront. When someone can deceive you with that level of magnitude, it calls into question many more things that they have to say. You say his son is 7. The daughter (by another woman) is 5. Really? And this child was supposedly conceived after the divorce? I call BS. Since a child takes 9 (or 10 depending on how you count) months to develop... that means that the son was no older than 1 year when the divorce is official. Really? It also takes about a year (or more!) for a divorce to go through. So... did he file for divorce while she was pregnant? When the child was a few weeks old? I doubt it. I highly doubt this child was conceived while the divorce was final. It's possible... but he's not really an up-front and honest guy, is he? Further to all this - the fact that he is questionning YOU (when you have done nothing wrong) and spinning his lack of communication back on YOU... Run. Link to comment
elcie Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I agree with reddress...it's outrageous for you to find out about another child at this stage in your relationship. It does make you wonder what else he hasn't told you. And the way he is handling the situation does not bode well for any future you might have with him. Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 Wow I really appreciate the response from you guys. I agree that the timeline is not adding up. When I questioned him about it he got really defensive and I honestly think he was trying to confuse me. I am 28 years old with a degree in mental health. I always thought I would know a controller/ manipulator when I met one but I honestly had no idea. I wonder if maybe I just didn't want to see it. The fact is there has to be a reason why this woman does not want him in her daughter's life. I asked him her name tonight and he told me he actually couldn't remember her last name (yeah right) and had no idea what his daughter's name was! Now I don't know that much about child support but I would think if you are paying it monthly you would know the person's name who is receiving it.... Also he says the payments are only $200 a month. Doesn't that seem pretty low? He also said they only slept together once but I am thinking that is a small chance. I know it can happen but I just feel like it's all lies at this point. Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 I am so glad I found this forum...I feel like I am going nuts with him. Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 THANK YOU! I feel like he is showing all the signs of a controller. There are many other things he has done but for some reason I keep doubting myself. I know it is time to cut the cord with him! I just have to cut all ties and that is going to be difficult. It is a good thing we live in different states. Link to comment
Miss.Love2u Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 omg please run. I dont think his wife cheated. he cheated and thats why she divorced him and left...because of his lies. And be sides that ( the way you stated it, it sounded like, He didnt want the child and thats why he pays child support) So the other woman wouldnt really have a choice but stay away with her child. And why would you want a man who didnt want something that was apart of him no matter how he got the child, she is apart of him if he cant even love both of his own children how can he love anyone else...What if you had a child by him ( not planned) what is he going to say well I dont want any more children and he leaves you just sending only 200 dollars a month as payment..RUN... you can do better I know its going to be hard but this relationship is headed down a road of disspare and hurt in your life... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I think you should run far away from this man. He is showing classic signs of a cheater/controller/manipulator/liar. This is most certainly NOT a man who is marriage material. Chances are high that he was the one who cheated on his wife. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Things just don't wash with this guy. If he he paying child support for this daughter that means it has been legally established that he is the biological father of this child. That means he has visitation rights to this child. The mother of the child does not get to decide whether or not he can have visits with the child. It seems to me that he just did not exercise his legal right to have visits with the child. He is saying that he does not know the child's name because he is trying to minimize the situation, like it just isn't that important to him so why would it be important to you? I don't care, so why should you care type mentality. He lied to you by ommision....and you should consider his motivation for doing so. I think he didn't want you think he had too much baggage. Also, you might do the math as a poster here as done and it does not add up. He probably did the cheating. His parents also were silent about this matter. hmmm Link to comment
sugarpiehoney Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 He could be telling the truth....in some states divorce can take as little as 30 days. Mine took like 2 months and it was final. But to not say anything when he knew there was another child well that is another thing. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Maybe he doesn't know her current married name? Still I think he sounds like a shady character and I would not remain involved with him if I were you. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 People who cheated and broke up a marriage will frequently lie and claim their spouse cheated rather than them... they KNOW that being seen as a cheater is not a good magnet for new people they want to date. If the son is 7 and the daughter 5, good chance he had an affair that was detected when his mistress got pregnant and broke up the marriage. I dated a guy who was very 'fuzzy' about his prior relationships in terms of dates, to cover up the fact that he was a big cheater and always started one relationship while in the prior one. He had a daugther with one woman while still married to another, and when i found pictures of a child and asked him who it was, he said it was a 'friends' baby and called the child, 'her daughter'. I later found out it was indeed his daugther, but he was distancing himself from the situation because of the timing and not wanting it known that he knocked up a mistress and had a child while married to someone else. I found out later he was a HUGE liar, and in fact had told his mistress that he was separated when he was really still married and living with his wife but pretending to be on a lot of business trips to explain his absences when he was with his GF. And he would tell his GF that he was working or spending time with his kids from the marriage he was supposedly separated from. So your BF is now trying a similar ploy, to pretend like this kid isn't his or that it doesn't really matter, when it SHOULD matter to you. This child is a financial obligation he will have for 18 years (and would affect your family income if you married him), and also it says something about him that he would just walk away from a child with so little thought as if she didn't exist. This is a huge secret to keep, and one wonders if he wants to hide it and keep you from talking to her so that you don't find out the true facts, that perhaps his prior marriage ended because he had an affair and knocked up his mistress. That presents him in a really bad light, and he knows it! I would think long and hard before getting serious with someone like this... he is a secret keeper and could well be a liar and a cheater as well. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 One other comment: cheaters frequently choose out of town GFs/BFs because they have a lot of freedom to juggle other people due to the distance. Perhaps he is still 'dating' this child's mother and is keeping it from you, and you are the one who is the GF on the side! Or perhaps they have an 'arrangement' where he sees her, but he also sees other women on the side. I can guarantee he hasn't 'forgotten' her last name becuase he has to send her a check every month with her name on it! So he obviously is afraid you might contact her if you knew, so he's hiding something there! I think there is too much hidden here for you to be comfortable with him, especially in an LDR where you can't be sure what he is up to when you're not around. Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 I really appreciate the response from you guys! I know you are right...I just can't believe it has taken me so long to see it! I guess that's what happens when you think you are in love with someone. The part that really makes me sick is that he would tell me how he just knew it would be "his luck" for us to have a little girl someday. He said as much as he didn't want to have a girl because of how paranoid he would be as the girl's father (I guess that she would eventually grow up and start dating.) He said that even though he had a son by his ex-wife having another child and it being a girl was something that we could experience together. Pretty sickening right? Also from what you guys are saying I think he probably was the one who cheated on his wife and chances are he is doing the same to me. One strange thing I noticed is that he was terribly paranoid about me talking to other men while we were together. He asked for my facebook and email passwords at the beginning and I stupidly gave them to him...figuring why not because I had nothing to had. He said it would make a long-distance relationship that much easier. Well probably a day later he started questioning me about messages from an ex in 2009! I couldn't believe that he went all the way back looking for info. Needless to say I changed my passwords and told him he broke my trust and would never get them again. Now that I look back on it I bet the reason he was so paranoid about me talking or flirting with someone else was because he was doing it all along...I hate that I got involved in something like this and it really helps to get the insight of people that can look at the situation objectively. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I just can't believe it has taken me so long to see it! I guess this is what happens when you think you are in love. This is where the saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees" came from. You dodged a bullet sweetie! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 It is natural for an honorable trustworthy person to immediately trust and not question someone else's sincerity, and for an untrustworthy person who cheats to be on the alert for signs their own partner is cheating. Hence you instanatly trusted him, and he instantly distrusted you, because you are trustworthy and don't lie and he is unstrustworthy and does lie. It is human nature to frame other people in the same way we frame ourselves, and think their motivations and intentions are the same as our own. So if you don't lie, it is hard to imagine other people lying so you take all their words as truth, at least until you yourself have an experience with a liar that teaches you some of their tricks. I have had two cases in my life where guys presented themselves as single/separated when they were really married or living wtih someone else and hiding it! I'm far wiser now having had the experience with them, and still trust people as my first option, BUT keep my eyes and ears open for things that don't line up. So now my default mode of operation is 'trust, be stay aware'... I don't instantly grant ALL my trust to someone, but don't assume they are untrustworthy either, just take a neutral stance and keep my wits about me rather than letting intense feelings of attraction or love blind me. Trust is something that should ebb and flow based on your knowledge of the person and your experiences with them, not just something that should be easily granted. It's the same principle that you wouldn't loan a stranger $5K just because they asked you to, and they have to earn your trust before you risk a lot with them. It is your heart you risk in intimate relationships, so one needs to be equally discerning in relationships as one would be in business. Link to comment
stillstunned Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 It's sick that he said you should have asked sooner. You have to ask about something like this? I hope you asked if he was a pedophile, a rapist, a serial killer, a gambling addict, a womanizer, gay, bisexual, guilty of manslaughter, wanted in another country, wanted by the IRS, the FBI, homeland security, or if he believed in Scientology. So you have to ask to find out important details in his life? Having a child isn't irrelevant, and others have already pointed out, he could see that child if he wanted to. He just doesn't feel like it. If he can heartlessly walk away from his own daughter, I can't imagine what he's capable of doing to you. Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 Thank you for sharing this with me...I am still sickened by all of this and have been replaying it in my mind since it happened. I really like what you said about people framing others in their minds the same way they see themselves. This makes so much sense now as to why he was so adamant about asking me if there was anyone else or if there had been any communication with ex-boyfriends. This just makes me nauseated to think about dating in the future. I know there are good men out there but my gosh...if my intuition was off so badly on this one I shudder to think what lies in store! I know I can't be so negative but I am going to remain single for a long while after this and just work on myself. The one thing I am having a problem with is this insatiable urge to find out the woman's name and if the story he is telling me is even true. I also wonder if he has other children. On the other hand why would I want to waste a moment more thinking about this man? I do feel that in the end karma is truly a * * * * * . He will- sooner than later I assume- find his perfect match....which will be someone just as controlling and manipulative as he is. On the other hand since he is on active duty in the military chances are he could be deployed. The really gross thing is that after i told him not to contact me again he said that he was going to volunteer for a 365 tour of duty back to Afghanistan (he just came home from there last year) and I know he was just using that to try and guilt me into taking him back...that is pretty low in my opinion. If you don't mind me asking after these 2 bad experiences have you met anyone who is worth getting to know? Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 It's sick that he said you should have asked sooner. You have to ask about something like this? I hope you asked if he was a pedophile, a rapist, a serial killer, a gambling addict, a womanizer, gay, bisexual, guilty of manslaughter, wanted in another country, wanted by the IRS, the FBI, homeland security, or if he believed in Scientology. So you have to ask to find out important details in his life? Having a child isn't irrelevant, and others have already pointed out, he could see that child if he wanted to. He just doesn't feel like it. If he can heartlessly walk away from his own daughter, I can't imagine what he's capable of doing to you. I completely agree with you...the really gross thing is that I gave him all the sordid details from my past...which to him I am sure sounded like child's play. I shared some things I never should have shared with him and deeply regret that. But at least I learned my lesson...I just hope he gets what's coming to him... Mostly I feel sorry for the little girl...and there could be others that he has been a sperm donor to- who will grow up not knowing what her father looks like. Ick. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Look at the bright side, Summertime Sun. Now you know about this webside, so if you have any concerns about a new bf, just post here. We will put him through the wringer too! Link to comment
SummertimeSun Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Haha you are so right about that! I am coming to it every day now and have shown all my friends. It is so nice to get an objective point of view from people that have nothing to gain...just doing it out of trying to help someone. Link to comment
StickTologY Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 This is what I honestly believe. This story seems too one-sided to be completely true. There are three sides to every story: your side, his side, and what really happened and your initial post and follow-ups are just that - extremely one sided. If you want some good advice you need to state facts and not write something when you're angry and full of emotion (which I'm assuming is what you did). I'm not trying to be rude but I've been in this situation before and it's not pretty but there are reasons why someone wouldn't just come out and say something like this. I have so much to say but I will wait on your reply.... Link to comment
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