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Getting back together failure


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Some of you may remember the guy that I dated last fall: threads here and here. Basically, we dated for about three months and he was completely emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship. Things just kind of deteriorated over a period of a few months, basically from the moment we started dating, until we finally ended our relationship more formally in January.


We spoke every so often via text or e-mail over the last few months, usually with him initiating. Toward the end of April, I started getting more and more texts from him, and they were more flirty. We made plans to get together in early May, and he gave me the hard sell on getting back together. He talked a lot about how his work hours were lighter now (he had been working 6 days a week from early afternoon until midnight), he was focusing on having more fun and enjoying himself, etc. We went back to his place and I said something about this being a booty call and he seemed really hurt and offended, saying that he really liked me and wanted to date me again.


Over the last month or so, we've spent a lot of time together, and he did seem genuinely changed. We texted and spoke and saw each other more often, which was not always the case the first time around. Just this week we went on a double date with a few of my friends and we had a great time. He really seemed to opening up and more willing to do a lot of things that he wasn't the first time around. We had never defined what was going on between us, but he kept referring to us as "dating" and I figured that we were just taking things slow.


Last night, I was supposed to go hang out with him after a friend's birthday party in his neighborhood, but ended up staying out too late to do so. He was flying to Europe for two weeks this afternoon, and told me he would call me from the airport. When he called, he said that we had never discussed what was going on between us and he felt like he was leading me on, that he did not want a relationship and definitely would not want one once he started school in the fall (he's staying in our city, which seemed unlikely when we first started dating). He asked if we could just be friends, and I told him no, which seemed to upset him. He told me how much fun he had with me and how going on the double date this week was one of the most fun times he's had since he's lived in our city, and I wasn't sure how to even respond to that. He ended the call by saying he would talk to me soon. I texted him back right away and said I was serious about not talking and I hoped he would respect that, that this was tough for me and to have a safe trip and good luck in school. He texted me back and said I was a great person and would also do great in school. And now he's in Europe for two weeks.


I obviously should've known from the start that nothing had changed, but man, I was really hoping they had. He did seem to have genuinely changed in a lot of ways, and I was really enjoying hanging out with him again. Last night I was so excited to go and see him - I was just looking forward to talking to him and seeing his face, and when he told me it was too late, I couldn't help but get upset on the bus ride home. I had just let myself feel okay about our relationship or whatever it was, and feel like we just needed to take things slow to get to where I hoped we could be.


I guess my advice here is that, as I know has been hammered home here a thousand times, getting back together doesn't work unless there's been complete change in the areas that the original relationship failed in. In this case, I was more open to taking things slow, but he wasn't ready for even that. If I had to do it over, I probably would've ignored his reattempts. Now I'm just sad all over again.

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I'm sorry to hear that this happened and that you're sad again I wish things could have worked out for you! I do agree though, getting back together doesn't work unless actual change has been made and that takes ALOT of time. My ex wanted to get back together with me and was very insistant but I refused him because I knew there was no way we would have solved our problems in that short amount of time. I do not regret my decision to take him back at all. Time has only made me realize how wrong we were for each other. At least now you know what to do if this situation ever presents itself again. It's tough, but I am sure you will find someone who is looking for the same thing you are.


If you want some cheering up, go to

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seriously, it always makes me feel better

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