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Realitynut's healing journal...finally


Realitynut

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Just typing the heading of this made me start crying. It's so final. It's so over.

 

Today is was to be married.

 

Last yr. we looked and looked for places to be married outside, we finally found the perfect spot.

 

My wedding dress is packed in his attic. Along with my shoes, purse etc.

 

Today I will put away his pictures on my nightstand. Today I will put away the slip of paper next to my clock that says June 11, 2011. That was the piece of paper that last July I wrote that date down, and showed it to him and asked "what do you think of that date? Doesnt' it sound nice? I want you to be involved in the wedding also, I don't want to make all the decisions."

 

Today I will take off my engagement ring (that was also to be my wedding ring). I thought I would never remove it.

 

Today I will go outside. Today for the first time in 2 months I will go shopping (hopefully) and buy a swimsuit since all my things are still at HIS home.

 

Today I will start my healing journal like I've been saying for over a month.

 

So far, I have only done the journal. I didn't get out of bed until 3:00. I haven't washed my hair in over a wk. It's in a dirty ponytail that I sleep in it that way, cuz I can't wear it down. Too dirty. Too disgusting. I need to bathe. I need to clean my apartment. I've needed to do so many things these past 10 wks. and have done anything except sit on this couch and be on the internet. And the occasional job. (I'm self-employed and basically do very little)

 

I'm financially falling further and further in debt.

 

I had a mouse and a bat in my house the other night. I live in a very old home that I got thru my divorce. 2 days ago I found a cockroach.

 

I hate this house. I hate my life. And I quit loving him this week.

 

If anyone really cares, read all my other posts on everyone elses threads. I was too lazy even to start my own. I stay up on this site til 5 in the morning. I hate going to bed alone, and then I don't want to get up in the morning to face another day of emptiness. While he is back up there with her. In her big fancy home. Boating. Traveling. Doing all the things that we always did.

 

Today I was to leave to drive to his home 4 hrs away to gather up some of my things. We talked and I can't believe some of the things he said to me. So hurtful. Of course I asked for the truth. And I finally got it. After a year of lies.

 

I'n not going up this wk. end. or next. I don't know when I'll be able to. I thought we could have a fairly "loving" breakup. After all, I loved him. And if he loved me just a little, couldn't he show me a little kindness while I packed up my clothes and dishes?

 

He left me a voicemail yest. because I wouldn't answer the phone.

 

He said, Let me know when you are coming. I'm going to be busy. I need to know what day for sure. If you come for your clothes, could you leave the pictures on the walls and take them when you get the moving van and get the furniture???

 

What??? You see, I took the larger pics out of the living rm the last time I was there. One of my customers told me to do that, so he would see what he was missing, and make him scared.

 

It only made him think that I was actually leaving, and it made him jump for joy!!

 

His place will be almost empty. But I will deal with that later. The other hurtful thing he said last wk. and in yesterdays v.m. was, "and we need to talk about that $2,400 dollars you owe me. I thought you were going to sell your old van and give me that money"

 

You see, we bought a time share together last year. He has 10,000 dollars on a credit card, I have $5,000 on a credit card. I was to give him $2,500 so we would be equal. That was when we were to be MARRIED!!!! I sent him $100 on April 1 when I got home from his house. April 6 he ended it with me over the phone.

 

I say stick it where the sun don't shine.

 

He makes about $55,000 dollars a year and his house is almost paid off. I make about 3,000 a yr. (last year my taxes said I made -$75) after deductions. I told him, and that does not include money for gas (I always drove to his home) food (I paid for all our food) and clothes (I paid for all his clothes the last 4 years) I bought all the plants and shrubs for his yard and designed the landscaping.

So I do not think I owe him a penny.

 

He can have his new rich girlfriend pay off his note. She's the one who took him last Thanksgiving for a week in Jamaica, all-inclusive. She paid for it all, and had planned it after they had only known each other for 2 months. She also knew he was engaged. Then we got back together 3 days after he got back from that trip. We were to go to Cancun all -inclusive for our honeymoon. He was hyper-ventilating cuz it was to cost $3,000. Our wedding was to be just us, and I was going to cook all the food for our reception party (at a later date) at a PARK. I was trying to be as cheap as I could possibly be!!!!

 

I did start a thread last year, and then an update. If you want to read the whole pathetic thing. My councelor said she thought we were the most dysfuncional couple she ever heard of.

 

That was only AFTER she (the affair) came into our lives.

 

Also I decided I am BPD. That sent me into an even deeper spiral of depression because it states we will never find love, because we keep pushing away the person we love the most. I have had during different periods of my life 7 of the 9 qualifications of BPD.

 

I am going to be 57 on Christmas Eve Day. I actually can be quite pretty at times. And fun.

 

But not now. I asked a customer/friend last friday who has known me for over 35 years if she has ever seen me looking so bad....she said no.

 

I had a customer drive to my home because I was never answering the phone, and she was afraid I was going to try to commit suicide.

 

Oh, one more thing. Besides all my other horrible attributes, I think I was obsessed over him. I thought he was "the one". We both fell in love quickly (ie. the first night???) All I ever talked about for the last 4 years was him and our life. Everyone was sick of it . I thought it was love.

 

I am still in pain. Last night I went to bed, and said to myself, "I do not love you anymore" and then started to cry, and said, "well, maybe I do just a little"

 

Wallowing in self-pity. Feeling to blame. Feeling hopeless about the future. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to live for. I have 2 boys (19 and 23) that I basically gave up for my life with my guy. I left my family, my business, and gave my all to him. I made him my life.

 

Everyone says don't make a guy your whole life, because when he's gone you have nothing.

I have nothing. I have less now that I did when I was in my 20's.

 

I don't have years to heal. i don't have years to find my one true love. The good ones ARE married. My ex had been single for 15 years, and never dated anyone longer that 9 months until I came along. That's because I moved in and wouldn't leave!!!

 

o.k. I'll quit. i won't have anything to write tomorrow or tonite if I don't quit now.

 

haha don't believe it. i sit here alone with my pup sleeping next to me.

 

Oh great, I'm starting a hot flash. The other thing, I was going thru menopause with him also....why can't guys have compassion for us over emotional human beings. I WAS sexy. I tried to be the best I could in bed and gave him B.Js always. I had lost almost 30 pounds before I met him. I did everything I could for him. It wasn't enough. But he always said he felt like he wasn't "enough" for me. I'm trying to explain that was the Borderline talking (I think now) but it's too late.

 

He said with her it is "easy", with me it was "hard".

 

He was so handsome. We did so many things together. He made me laugh until I peed my pants.

 

But I also cried. i have cried for 10 wks now.

Plus the 4 mo. he was with her last year. When we got back together Dec. 2, he said he ended it with her. He had tried. But couldn't. He's very tight. Money talks. I could go on and on....

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I'm glad you started your journal. Especially on such a difficult day...that took a lot of courage. I hope you can see it as perhaps a turning point toward healing.

 

If you can do something simple and nice for yourself today -- even if you don't really feel like it -- that will be one more babystep forward. Don't worry about the stuff you "need" to do...it can wait. Just something sweet and easy, whatever that would be for you to make yourself feel loved.

 

Big fat squeezy hug from me to you. I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. Your story is one of the tougher ones I've read here. Don't let that discourage you...just know that the pain you are in is a normal response to really tough circumstances.

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HUGS, HUGS, HUGS,Realitynut. I'm at work right nwo, but I will come back tonight.

 

I think you should have a lovely long bath and wash your hair. Then go out and get something good to eat.

 

After today, there are going to be some much better days.

 

Since I stopped crying, my appearance is improving RN, and yours will too. I'll be back later. Be kind to yourself today and take care. xxxxxx

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it's 9:12. My bath water is probably cold. I poured it when my electricity went off, and I had to get off of here...lol. Then it came back on again, and I've been here ever since. Without the bath. I ate my 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter, like Ive done for the last 3 or 4 wks.

 

I will, right now, I'm gonna get off this couch and take a bath and wash my hair. I haven't done any of those other things I said I would. Oh yeah, I put the dirty dishes in a sink full of water....but never washed them.

 

O.k. I'll take a bath, wash my hair, wash the dishes. Ahhhh...get up.....I did pet my pup that is sleeping next to me. I promised her I'd take her for a walk today. Now I promised her it will be tomorrow.

 

Maybe I won't go to bed at 5 in the morning and get up before 3. Oh yeah, one more thing. Go to church tomorrow. The last time I went was 3 days before he ended it. I told him I can't even pray anymore. I have a picture of christ on my Kitchen window, and it says, whatever you ask for in prayer, and believing, you shall receive. so last fall I held a cross and his pic and prayed nightly. When he came back I thought my prayers were answered.

 

I just remembered the last words we said to each other 3 days ago. He was trying to get off the phone, and i said, wait, wait, he said, what? I cried, do you think we will ever get back together, ever, for the rest of our lives? (or something like that, meaning in one yr. 2 years etc)

 

He said, I don't know, what ever God wants. Just placating me like he always did. That is why I clung on for so long. He always wanted to be the good guy. He was a big time enabler to his kids. And in a way he was an enabler to me. He strung me along. Lied to me. 2 wks ago he knew I was deeply depressed. He hadn't talked to me in over a month Wouldn't answer my phone calls. finally I called him at work. He sounded so sweet and caring. When I said it was me, he said, how are you? I started crying and said, not too good. He said, Awww baby. like he use to.

 

He talked to me for 20 min. and he's not suppose to be on the work phone. He told me he wanted to meet me at Wis. Dells or somewhere (this is all on someones elses thread) When I asked why, he said because he missed me and wanted to talk to me. I kept asking why? I said, "I don't want you to miss me, I want you to LOVE me!!!" We ended that convo with him insisting over and over, "Now go color your hair and take pup for a walk". A few days later he mentioned meeting me on June 11, to see me. talk to me. I thought he cared. I knew he didn't love me. I knew he didn't WANT me. But I thought he at least CARED about me.

 

Now 3 days ago, when I asked him if it was a lie that he wanted to see me, he said YES. I died. Just like I've died a million times since I found out about her last Aug.5.

 

I asked, why did you say that to me? He said because he wanted me to get up, color my hair and take pup for a walk. But I said, you never would have SEEN me...He said, I would have if you would have colored your hair.!"

 

I knew that was a lie too.

 

He told me to quit wallowing. When I asked if he loved her. He didn't want to answer. He said, I want you to move on with your life." I said, "tell me if you love her, that would help me move on." He said, YES, I think I do. My feelings are growing stronger and stronger." Last yr. he always said, NO I don't love her, when asked if he loved me, he always said YES. HE was telling us both what we wanted to hear. He could never tell me the truth face to face cuz he didn't want me to yell at him. So he always told me things I didn't want to hear over the phone....

 

and the story goes on and on

 

Thanks SilverB and others...I need to hear that others care. Last year I was on a couple other sites, and here, and I can't tell you how I was bashed. Told me I had no self-worth and needed YEARS of help. Well maybe I do. But they were down right mean. It was sort of like kicking you when you're down...and I don't need that. I don't see how I could get beat down even further.

 

o.k. o.k. gonna get up and take a bath!!! REALLY!!! love to all, Carla

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Hi C,

Just popped in quickly from work to see how you are. I hope you have had that bath and washed your hair now. Can you find something better than the peanut butter. Maybe you can go to the shop and get some yoghurt, and maybe buy yourself something already cooked which you can eat - some chicken and vegetables.

 

With the dishes, see if you can fill up sinks, buckets, whatever, add some bleach or disinfectant and let them soak. Keep you pup close to you today and exchange lots of cuddles.

 

Oh, about the praying, right now, pray from strength, happiness and protection and trust that your God knows best for you what you really need as opposed to what you think you want right now.

 

Hope to speak with you soon. xxxx

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Hey Carla. Sorry to hear you feel so rotten. I'm with you on the going to bed alone thing, that cut me for weeks too, and waking up alone. In fact for some bizarre reason getting into, and out of bed is the worst time for me. Please keep updating this and we will all try our best to make things work out for you.

 

My diet has gone to * * * * too since the breakup, hear you on that.

 

Are you anti-d's? My sister was prescribed valium after her fiancee left her too. She ate two pieces of toast in two weeks.

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While I cannot say that I've been engaged, I've been that low before - that it hurts to smile or to get out of bed. Sometimes it helps me to reframe what something means. When I say that I feel devastated, I try very hard to say "It's a disappointment." When I get angry about someone lying to me, I remember the four agreements - where people lie to themselves every day - if they can lie to themselves, they can and most certainly will lie to me. That helps to remember it's not even about me when they act this way.

 

From what you tell me - this is one flighty dude. He was SOOOO certain it was over with her and wanted you back. For all you know - she sent him packing for his misbehavior and went back to you. Even if that is the truth or whatever his reasons - it should be enough for you to recognize, this guy has real problems, has likely had them long before he met you. So try not to think this is YOUR failure. You were honest, you gave him another chance when he ended it and he chose to squander his second chance. Sweetheart - you've been more than loving, unconditionally - but unconditional love isn't the same thing as unrequited love.

 

He may genuinely want you to move on with your life and be happy, be productive. When you start moving back in that direction, your confidence will rise, you will feel like yourself again and his decisions won't be a factor in your happiness. That is your choice to make. You deserve love, you deserve to love yourself however.

 

Start with baby steps, doing your dishes, (I have to do mine, I'm afraid), do wash your hair, and have a cup of tea, something that is calming. Walk your dog - if only to get out of your environment.

 

You have choices to make.

 

WRT to "your" debt - if this time-share was an investment as a married couple - I'd reconsider investing or paying him if he's not going through with your marriage. That is unless you have it writing that you'd pay him. You have to be VERY specific and say "this timeshare was for vacations we took as a married couple, the marriage is off - so I'm not willing to invest any monies to it." Same thing with an engagement ring - when the wedding is called off - then who gets the ring? You have decisions to make.

 

How much will it cost you to move your things out of his house, etc? All those are expenses you were not planning to make because you were expecting to get married. That guy has a lot of balls asking you to move your things and asking for monies on a timeshare that you agreed to buy when you were getting married. "We're not promised to be married any more - so I'm not investing in the timeshare with you, when the wedding was called off, investment decisions change and I have to pay to move my things out of your house - so don't expect that I'm paying toward a timeshare now that we're not getting married." Make sure that you say "paying toward a time share" instead of saying "money that I owe you." When you use that language it assumes you agree that you owe him - no, the agreement was investment in a timeshare for your married life - that is not happening, so you're not investing in the timeshare, period.

 

Be specific and be clear about this. I'd tell him this after you moved your things out of your house however. Start making decisions and move from there.

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Something else - read SuperDave's threads...they are pretty helpful. Start with this one... and you can do a search on his threads...good stuff and he doesn't preach - he takes a lessons learned approach about how you chose to invest your energy makes the difference...that letting go, doesn't mean you get over an ex, rather it helps you to put your life back on track - to give yourself some sanity.

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Hey RN glad to see you started a journal. It has helped me a lot.

 

Wallowing in self-pity. Feeling to blame. Feeling hopeless about the future. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to live for. I have 2 boys (19 and 23) that I basically gave up for my life with my guy. I left my family, my business, and gave my all to him. I made him my life.

 

I know it feels like you have nothing. But you have yourself and YOU MATTER!!! Never forget that!!!!! Any possibility of reconnecting with your sons? Old friends? Family?

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One of the things I decided to do was talk to some guys on a dating site. lol So last night I instant msg. one guy for over 2 hours. I'm not sure what he looks like. His pic was from a distance. All I could tell was that he had hair (a good thing) and had a normal/decent body. and a big motorcycle. He was a few years older than me, and both my ex's were a year and half younger. We talked from midnite til 2 am. I'm use to that, if fact it's 2 am right now, but he's not. I called him tonite and he was going to bed at a little after 10 and I was out driving, haha

 

He lives a long ways away tho. oh well. I was adamant that I didn't want anything other than companionship. He mentioned KISSING, I said no way. He was a little put off, but he got over it. Maybe I should start a thread about that....would guys (older, not young studly guys) go out with someone if they weren't ready for intimacy. Just hand holding and hugging. And for how long...days, wks, months??? lol

 

I'm not crying right now. I don't at night. when I get out of bed it's the worst. That's why I don' t get up until about 3 in the afternoon.

 

Just want everyone to know I didn't do any of those things I was SUPPOSE to do yesterday...except this journal . Not a one. Never got dressed. Never took a bath or washed my hair. Never got off the couch until 5 am. when I went to bed. But I sorta smiled cuz I talked to someone. Don't want any rebound tho.

 

So today I ate a banana with milk and icecream===yummmm.....really healthy. I will never be like you SilverB.

 

Took a bath, washed my hair and then gave my stinky pup a bath!!! She must have rolled in something. I washed the dishes. Took a short walk (for the first time since the first wk. of April), because I promised myself I would make it to church at 6:00. Made it, first time since you know when. Then I went to the store for the first time in about 4 months (cuz I'm broke also) and bought some new clothes and a swimsuit. Trying on swimsuits is a real bummer. I have about 5 suits but they are all up there. I wanted to wear some new clothes that didn't remind me of him....

 

Talked to the new guy, Dennis, as I drove to my moms to play cards. He's heard all about my life. My marriage, my ex, everything. I told him that I was warned not to talk about these things cuz it will scare the guy away, but I told him, if it does, it does. I'm just being honest. If he can't handle it , I really don't give a sh*t. I tell guys I'm not out to get my heart broke again.

 

Before anyone thinks today has been all hunky-dory, it hasn't. I sobbed great big racking sobs in the bathtub. I was going to do one more thing on my list. which was to take off my engagement ring. I took it off. I looked at it. I put it on my right hand. I looked at it. I put it back on my left hand. I tried to tell myself that I just liked the ring, who cares what finger it is on.

 

Then when I was at the dept. store, I had to buy a pair of shoes. I wanted a pair exactly like dan bought me last year. Infact, it was the last thing he bought me. We had just became engaged, and he put it on my foot, and I said, Ahhh, just like cinderella. Little did I know he had already met "her". lol I just decided I'm going to call her skank from now on! Anyway, the shoe sales lady asked how I was. I muttered, o.k. Then told the whole story how I needed these shoes, but they were still at ex's house. She ended up hearing the whole damn story and had to go get my tissues cuz I was crying so hard. Sheesh.

 

i remembered you guys telling me to seek out family and friends. So I called my mom and dad to see if I could come over and play cards. I got there around 9pm. We hadn't even played one hand and my dad had me crying so hard, I slammed down the cards and said, I came here for some compassion, not this. And I stormed out. As I went to gather my swimsuits , I could hear him yelling "is that what a 55 year old woman acts like-----STUPID!!!"

 

I left. My mom felt bad and hugged me. Usually she's been kind of the snotty one about this whole ordeal. Like I should just get over it. One time she told me, Just tell yourself you hate him, over and over, and one day you will." that was her advice. Also, a few weeks ago when I was there playing cards, when I left she hugged me, and I broke down crying. she said, " wouldn't of hugged you if I thought it was gonna make you cry." She didn't understand, I WANT to be hugged when I'm crying. She did tonite. Now I don't know if I want to see my Dad for fathers day.

 

I don't have anyones name in my phone book (in my cell) fairly new phone (2 mo. lol) so of course I haven't put anyones name in it yet. So couldn't call the person I usually call at times like this. (Bawling all the way home from parents) So I called the new guy. He was climbing into bed. He heard me cry again.

 

I'm certainly not going to call him or talk to him unless he calls me. Poor guy., i think he's getting a little freaked out. But he did seem sympathetic about my Dad acting the way he did.

 

Well he's finding out what a crybaby I am. I've heard you attract what you are. I was at my healthiest when I met Dan. So I don't think I'm going to land anyone to wonderful any time soon. To be honest, I really am not in a hurry. I just want a guy to take me on a motorcycle ride. or walk thru the woods, or make me feel attractive again....if you know what i mean.

 

Maybe I can see a different guy every week. That way my heart will never be hurt. No expectations. I met Dan one night, and fell in love. I think I transfered feelings from an affair I was having. (see? you guys don't know everything about me!!!) then heaped a whole lot more feelings on him. Then became obsessed. Thinking he was the "one", and that "God put him there for me" is a hard hurdle to get past. I really, really can find myself never finding anyone that I find as attractive, or fun. I guess the only thing I was missing was the feeling that he "loved" me unconditionally. i guess that was unrealistic and I reacted badly because of it. He said he never felt like he did enough. That he never loved me "enough". I understand. Because I did feel that way.

 

My goodness, I just had a flashback in my mind of part of the hightway I drove for 4 years. You see, I drove 4 hrs each way to see him. for the first 2 years I drove twice a month. I'd stay either 5=10 days. then last year, I'd stay up there for 17 days, come back here for 4.

 

Oh having a hot flash, gotta go put my hair in a ponytail.....ugh

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Thanks SilverB. I was in Bed for 11 hrs. last night. I went to bed at 5am. I looked at my watch and thought it was 1:20. I had been laying in bed for a while feeling sorry for myself. But I eventually climbed out. tha'ts when I found out it was 4 in the afternoon. What a wasted day. Still haven't put away my pics or cleaned up the place. It's now 6pm and I'm still in my nightgown. I haven't even made my coffee yet, much less any food.

 

Yes, I feel better. I have a little hope to maybe go on a "date", but everytime I do, NONE of them even come close to comparing to him. I tell you, I would not have changed a thing about him, except for having (or me feeling as if) I was his number one prioity. His ex-wife told me she left because she felt she was way down the list also. but they are still best buds,,,,which always irritated me. Hot flash again, gonna go....I hate these things...be back later

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at night I get on the dating sites just for something to do....same as on here...

 

Then the next morning I'm so depressed, and I think, I don't even WANT to go out with anyone else!

 

Got in an argument with my dad (about my life in general, the way Im acting, future...etc) finally I snapped and said, it's all I can do to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other! Other people show compassion for me, I guess I can't expect it from you." and I stormed out. I heard him in the other room yelling as I walked out "is this the way a 55 yr. old woman acts.....STUPID!!!" So much for family support. Mom did hug me outside as I bawled my eyes out. Now My sis wants to know if I'm coming for father's Day. I've always been with ex the last 4 yrs. Don't know what to do. She's going to have hers husbands side over too. He's Mexican, or for those politically correct (of Hispanic origin) even tho he doesn't even know how to speak Spanish, there will be lots of Mexican food, so maybe I should go!!

 

Talking to guys, thinking about going out with them, trying to mask the pain of dan, and my loss of relationship, burying my feelings....I feel like I'm putting a bandaid over open heart surgery.

 

I put away his pictures by my bed yesterday, and took down the pictures at work today.

 

Isn't their a song "I quit loving him today"?

 

So much pain. so much emptiness. I think people feel I've moved on. I pretend I am moving on. It's all a cover.

 

I only want him. But of course if only he would want me. And he doesnt. and hasn't for a long time. I wish I would have really understood how he felt about me. I thought he really loved me. I thought he would stay with me thru thick and thin, like I would have with him. I wonder how long he didn't love me? Years I think. And was just afraid to tell me. I would throw a fit. I would beg. I would scream. I wasnt' pretty. I wasn't loving. I was ugly.

 

I wish I had a magic wand to do it all over again. Wouldn't that be nice. I made him magic wands once. Another story. Another time. I'm tired. Iv'e slept on and off all day. I had peanut butter and bread again. I was out of bread so I had to go to the store and buy some. Plus more apples to eat with cream cheese and brown sugar. Those 2 things have been my staple for my diet for over 2 months....with a little Taco type thing thrown in when I really feel like "cooking"....haha.....I use to cook for him alot. He only took me out to eat once a wk. So I paid for the groceries and did the cooking. And mowed the lawn. And did the laundry. and gave him dang good Bjs. I was a darn good girlfriend. Except when my Bpd reared its ugly head and I'd pout over little (and big) things.

 

Some day I will write down some of the things he thought were "all right" to do and think. and I''ll say what I thought was "wrong" about it. Then you can give your opinions.....just for fun... wish I was in his bed watching T.v. waiting for him to come home from work. Damn....he wanted to be 100 percent happy. Why couldn't he have been happy with 80 percent happy? Like I was. Of course I loved him more...and there's the difference. One cares more than the other.

 

Man, and I sure loved that guy....

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Hugs Carla,

You're sounding better. Eating healthier is doing me a lot of good. I'm feeling good about my figure right now. It can do with a little more work. My ex used to say that most women 20 years younger than I am would love to have a body like mine. I think my body is looking a lot better now. Have gone down a couple of jeans sizes and just need a little work to tone up.

 

I was hardly eating for the first few weeks after the breakup. There are some things I can't bring myself to eat anymore because I ate them a lot with him. Funny isn't it. He was not into healthy eating at all. Carla, if you swap the apples and cream cheese for some yoghurt, a few tablespoons of muesli and maybe some blueberries, you'll start to feel a lot better. Also some lean red meat instead of the peanut butter and the weight should start falling off, and you'll be looking beautiful again! Catch you soon! xxx

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Sure I'm sounding better... to everyone else, but am I , way down deep in my soul??? Hell no. I'm just on the computer all the time, trying not to think. I still go to bed at 4 in the morning, and drag my self out of bed when I absolutely have to.

 

Today is our 4 yr. ann. I was up only 15 min, and i had cried already. Yesterday, I cried the least amount...but a few tears leaked out when I talked about him to someone. Just now I was doing the dishes, and I started crying. Wondering since it was 4 years ago today, would he even think about us. We celebrated MONTHLY! I Know that was silly. But that's what i did. But the last time I was with him, I found the ann. card I gave him in the garbage. He NEVER threw any of my cards or letters away. He still swore it was an accident. HA!

 

I'm on a dating site. Flirting with one guy. I would give everything up to be with dan again. I don't have anything to give up...lol...but if I did...I'd give it up. Oh that's right, I already did give everthing up to be with him. I left my kids, I left my job, I wasn't with my parents for birthdays, or mothers day or Fathers day or christmas or anything....I did give up everything to be with him. And what did I get for it. Left. Abandoned. Yeah, maybe it's because I might have BPD, I just wish he could have loved me thru it all. I had gotton better. 2008 was bad. 2009 was Good.

 

He met me June 23, 2007.

 

He met her June 25, right after he left me from our mini-vacation celebrating our 3 yrs together.

 

He then proposed to me July 5.

I found out about her Aug. 5

 

He broke up with me the end of Sept. after stringing me along. Oct 23 he called me crying after getting my ann. card. He then strung me along until Dec. 2. Said he was sorry and wanted to make it work. But it was all a lie. He never quit seeing her, or talking to her. Then April 6 he ended it with me for good.

 

So instead of thinking of me on our 4 yr. ann. he's going to be celebrating "their" ann of one year June 25. He even was driving MY Van when he met her. It really hurts. The crushing pain has ended after he finally told me he thought he was falling in love with her....his feeling were growing stronger....He said to move on. My head feels heavy right now. I'm so empty. I have absolutly NOTHING. No home. No yard. No LIFE. NO LOVE. NO MONEY. NO HOPE. NO FUTURE. EVERY MORNING i WAKE UP AND THINK 'WHY'?????

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This is my worst day I've had for a while. Not sure why. Our 4 year ann. would have been yest. (23) and he met her one year tomorrow (25).

 

I think maybe it's cuz I had been talking/flirting with a guy on POf dating site, and he said he might stop buy tonite on his way home. He lives an hour away. I thought maybe we'd see each other tomorrow in his home town. He's a tug boat captain, and he works the Mississsippi river for weeks at a time. Then he never called tonight. We only talked on the phone once...last night. It was a strain. Then he never calls...What? I'm glad I didn't make him the pecan pie like I said I would!!! What an ass!!! Now I don't care if I see him tomorrow or not. I don't want to see anyone. No one compares. And who says they would like me??

 

I cried big sobs while I massaged my customer (who I've known for years). I cried to the bank lady. I cried as I drove to a customers home to cut her hair. I cried to my 19 yr. old son who was at my house sick. Yes, i cried lots today. And not little baby tears. Big sobbing, falling down like rain tears. I miss him so much. How can a person get to be 56 damn years old and screw up the love of your life. You would think by now that God would let you be in love...finally...after all these years of hoping and waiting....

 

Mom said people fall in love and can get married at 90. I don't want to wait that long. I know my heart has to heal. But who SAYS there is someone out there for me. Someone better. How do THEY know???? He was almost perfect for me. I just wasnt perfect enough for HIM!!!

 

He was so handsome. I wish I knew how to put us on my avatar. Maybe I can try to figure it out.

 

first I'll go eat my peanut butter and bread. I've already had 3 slices. what's a couple more. I've gained 10 pounds. Yipppeee! (SilverB, thats a LOT) It all goes to my big fat GUT!!!! I hate myself. I hate my life. I love my pup.

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Please don't put yourself down over someone who was a real cad at heart. It is our hearts that determine our value as human beings, not our looks. You have it all over this guy, so act that way! I'm 55 and my bf of 12 years recently died. I miss him so much, but I am living my life like the best is yet to come! It's all in how you deal with it, honey.

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Three months ago tonite was the last time I saw him. We made love. Not quicky sex, but before I left, he asked what I wanted to do. He said, do you want to play cards? I said, NO. do you want to watch t.v? I said NO. do yu want to cuddle? I said NO; I said , Iwant to make LOve. So we did. The whole nine yards, vibrator etc. Then I left at midnite to drive 4 hrs home. I would have been halfway home at this time 3 months ago... I called him numerous times, like I alway did, when i got tired.

 

When I got the phone bill, I saw he started calling her on April 1. I guess he had always been contacting her...but this was on MY cell phone, that I PAID for, for him to use. She had changed her number, and he only was on for 1 min. each time, probably just to contact her to have her call him at home. Oh I'm sure because he couldn't make long distant phone calls off of his phone at home!! lol We were looking for ways to save money, so I told him to take long distance of his home phone. He could always use the my cell..lol

 

Anyway, i have not gone 1 day without crying yet. Some worse than others. Had a few dates, don't like any of them. Not even a "like" much less a spark. I can't believe Dan did this to me. I'm beginning to think about all the lies, and realizing they were out and out LIES! A lot of you don't even know I went to jail because of him. Finger printed, MUG shot , the whole thing. It's on my first thread. It hurts to much to think about. I'd rather think about the good times.

 

I'd rather think that we left for Vacation on July 3. I'd rather think about him proposing to me on July 5, Id rather think that the last wk. of july we were at a beautiful beach in Wisconsin that we had never been to, and he gave me the most romantic kiss he had ever given to me. I even commented on it. Now I realize he probably kissed me that way cuz he was thinking of her, or feeling guilty...since he met her JUNE 25 last year. Can you see why this is a bad wk. for me? When we left the beach that day, I said. this is the happiest day of my life.

 

What a fool i was. He had been with her the night before! That is what I should be thinking about. Not that he was the love of my life. I miss him so much. And I know for a fact he's not even thinking of me. How do I know? I got my phone bill. He hasn't even looked at the voice mails I left him. For the last month. I quit on June 11 the day we were to get married. The day I started this journal. He listened for one min. on June 11. probably to delete. And he never listened again. His last voice mail to me on my phone was june 1st. One month tomorrow. His voice was so sweet. My phone only keeps msgs for one month, and then it will be gone.

 

I still have his very first voice mail he gave me in July of '07 after our first date, or I should say first time I went up there, on an old phone. We knew each other for one wk. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and relive all those good times again, and take away all the hurtful times. I wish I could have been better. Made him happier. Helped him NOT to fall out of love with me. didn't he understand how much I loved him? Didn't he understand how much puppy and I needed HIM?

 

She doesnt' need him. WE DID! WE were his family. I miss my home and him so much. I'm so lonely.

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