So, is it a pattern or the self fulfilling prophecy?

[Cynder]

So... this is another thread about my friend/love, FWB, whatever you want to call him... I'm starting to wonder if it really is me with the problem now...

 

Real quick... for anyone who hasn't followed my threads about him, this guy is not just some guy I meet up with, have sex with and then go home and rarely talk to. Him and I have been friends for ten years. The sex has happened at different time periods throughout our relationship. Also, I'm married but my marriage is Poly, and he is in the same type of relationship...

 

Recently he got ino contact with my husband's old band mate on Facebook. (it was on my friends list that he found this guy.) This guy is looking for a guitar player currently... and as it stands right now, my FWB is going to try out.

 

For some reason this bothers me. I can't really explain why and I know I really don't have any right to be upset. No one has done anything wrong here. I guess it bugs because worlds are colliding that shouldn't be. These people in the band are all good friends with my husband... now my lover is going to go start hanging out with them and possibly join the band. Idk... it just doesn't seem like a good thing. I feel like Jeez... do you have to pillage your way into every part of my life?

 

But now... I've done some real thinking about this and I've tried really hard to analyze exactly why this upsets me. And this is the best theory I can come up with... Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I'm a very untrusting person. I've been stabbed in the back so much by so many people I thought I could trust... It's like now all I can do is assume that everyone will stab me in the back. Him and I have been friends so long, and he was one of the royal, ROYAL few on my 'people I trust' list. Now suddenly since our relationship changed what reason do I have not to trust him? But I don't exactly trust him anymore.

 

Even little things annoy me a lot more then they used to... I texted him yesterday and he didn't respond. This is somewhat common. He either was busy or had his phone muted or something. But when we were just friends and nothing else, that didn't bother me. Now that the relationship has changed I react totally different. I jump to the immediate conclusion that I am being ignored. When in reality that;s probably not it at all.

 

I think I am caught in this web of wanting to demonize everything he does because I expect him to hurt me. Yes, he screwed up with my one friend and the facebook thing... but he apologized and stopped. Did the apology mean anything to me? Sad to say it but no. It should have... but I look back on that situation and I don't see the apology and him wanting to make it right... I only see the hurt.

 

And it also sucks that I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, except you guys here on ENA. So that's why I keep posting...

 

 

Disclaimer: This is not a thread to debate the ethics of Poly Relationships or open marriages. Any such posts will be ignored.

[Moontiger]

It does sound like a SFP. If you always expect the worst, you will start to find it in the smallest things.

 

Do you think part of the reasons your FWB contacting the band bothers you is because there is a line between your marriage and this relationship that is getting smaller?

 

BTW, did you guys ever "make it official"?

 

EDIT: Are there any Poly forums online or support groups IRL that you could use to help work through these issues?

[mouseno4]

Wow, i have to be honest and say i had to google poly relationships.

 

But yeah, i used to feel the same way. Heat a meal up in the mic and i am always thinking it will overcook and burn it, even when i know it most likely wont. And i am not very trusting in RL either. Though ive never really been hurt in a relship so i am not really the same.

 

I wish you the best on working out your emotions. If you have find a traffic cop for them... be sure to let me know.

[Cynder]

Moontiger, no we never made it official. I had to leave so I'm on my phone. I have more to say but have to keep it short.

[Cadence44]

Didn't you already tell him that his getting into contact with your friends on Facebook bothered you? I don't understand why he (or you) would then think it was okay for him to befriend a friend of your husband's and potentially get into a band with him.

 

Many alarm bells are ringing about this guy, and I can tell that they are ringing for you too but you explain away your gut instincts as being overreactive. You also continually make excuses for him by saying that this guy has been such a great friend and has "had your back" in the past, but honestly I don't see his current behavior as being all that good of a friend to you. He is not respecting your feelings, and I consider that to be the foundation of friendship. If he doesn't respect you, he's not a true friend.

 

The last time he did this, he FB-friended a friend of yours who was in a relationship and flirted with her in a way that you'd be sure to see. What explanation could he possibly have had that made you forgive that? True, in the circumstances of the relationship that you have with him he can flirt with whomever he wants, but he purposefully did it so that you and her boyfriend would see it.

 

Why does he need to have contact with your friends or your husband's friends? He's an adult man who is capable of making his own friends and finding his own band. He's actively trying to move into your social circles and that is not because he's a friendly guy or because he finds them super fascinating - he's doing it as a way for him to control you. You've said that your friends and family don't know about your poly marriage, so why would you overlook the fact that he is trying to form relationships with those friends and family? That's not normal and that is not the behavior of a true friend.

 

I think that all of these actions he's taken are not by chance - I think he's either consciously or subconsciously trying to sabotage your marriage with your husband or he is trying to have a way to control and manipulate you. I don't consider this to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I think you don't trust or respect yourself enough to listen to what your gut is trying to tell you in the face of someone who is clearly up to no good.

[Cynder]

It does sound like a SFP. If you always expect the worst, you will start to find it in the smallest things.

 

Do you think part of the reasons your FWB contacting the band bothers you is because there is a line between your marriage and this relationship that is getting smaller?

 

BTW, did you guys ever "make it official"?

 

EDIT: Are there any Poly forums online or support groups IRL that you could use to help work through these issues?

 

Yea... that is part of the reason... And, the dynamics are strange... A lot of my husbands old band mates and the people they hang around with have mixed opinions about me. Why? Because my husband decided to quit the band and get more serious about being a film maker. It was all his decision. In fact I was sad when he quit the band, but I knew it was up to I'm. But, thing is, he made this decision right after we got married. So, of course everyone blamed me. They thought his new wife made him quit because unfortunately thats the way it is all too often. Some guy gets married and the wife has a problem with him playing in a band, so he quits. So, some of these people don't like me all that much, for BS reasons. And now someone who's supposed to be my close friend is going to start hanging out with them.

 

And also... and this is the biggest reason... He has been talking about starting a band since before he moved back here. He plays guitar, I play bass. This is something we've been working on together. I found us a drummer, but he didn't like the guy much. Also found us a singer... same thing.

 

And so now I see him today on Facebook complaining about how there is no one to start a band with around here except me, and you can't make a band out of a guitar and bass, so he's just going to join there's. Ok... well, I thought I was part of this project too... I'm kinda wounded.

[Moontiger]

I think the root problem here is that the parameters of your relationship with your FWB have not been clearly established. Because you are in a very complex situation there need to be clear rules of conduct.

 

I would express your feelings to him and ask that the two of you sit down and talk about what boundaries need to put in place.

[Cynder]

Yea, I did... But by then he was already talking to this guy from the band. I can't expect that to be retroactive. To ask him to stop talking to people he's already talking to is too controlling and I don't have the right, IMO. But... I'll admit it, I just wish he would stop.

 

I admit I do explain things away a lot... But really, for ten years he has been a good friend to me. I'm 100% telling the truth when I say I never had any reason to be upset with him until just recently. Good friends are hard to find... I guess I'm having a hard time facing the fact that one more person I trusted turned out to not deserve it. I should be used to it... it ends up this way most of the time. Realizing this is depressing... because it just makes me feel like an emotional punching bag for the people around me.

 

He didn't really give an explanation for what he did last time... he just apologized and said he wouldn't do it again.

 

Why does he need to have contact with your friends or your husband's friends? He's an adult man who is capable of making his own friends and finding his own band. He's actively trying to move into your social circles and that is not because he's a friendly guy or because he finds them super fascinating - he's doing it as a way for him to control you.

 

This right here ^... that really bothers me. When I asked him why he was suddenly wanting to be friends with all my friends he said because they are part of my world and he wants to also be part of my world. But to me that just doesn't sound right. Idk... He already is a part of my world. We've been friends ten years.

 

And if he succeeds and sabotages my marriage... then what? That's scary too. He has a family to go home to. I don't. What does he want? for me to be single and share him with his girlfriend?

 

Maybe I don't have enough trust or respect for myself... I was in my twenties before I even realized what those things are, to tell the truth.

[Batya33]

Given all you now know about him and his behavior and choices are the risks of continuing to have sex with him worth the benefits of the sex?

[Moontiger]

Cydner, I think I mentioned this in one of your past threads, and I know how you feel about this but I feel it needs to be brought up again: What about seeing a therapist to help you work out some of these issues? I know you have VERY bad experiences with the mental health industry as a child but as an adult you can have completely control over your own care.

 

I just think you need someone who will be completely in your corner but still be totally honest with you. This is what I think of what I think of a therapist.

 

Just something to think about.

[Cynder]

Cydner, I think I mentioned this in one of your past threads, and I know how you feel about this but I feel it needs to be brought up again: What about seeing a therapist to help you work out some of these issues? I know you have VERY bad experiences with the mental health industry as a child but as an adult you can have completely control over your own care.

 

I just think you need someone who will be completely in your corner but still be totally honest with you. This is what I think of what I think of a therapist.

 

Just something to think about.

 

I checked into it... The issue is money... I don't have medical insurance. And I'm really not making an excuse. I just can't afford it.

[Moontiger]

I checked into it... The issue is money... I don't have medical insurance. And I'm really not making an excuse. I just can't afford it.

 

That sucks. Hmmm, I don't know about the area you live in but I have a friend who, when she was a teenager, there was a free clinic for people to see therapists. Some of them have sliding scales based on income also.

[Cynder]

Given all you now know about him and his behavior and choices are the risks of continuing to have sex with him worth the benefits of the sex?

 

The sex is goos, but it isn't that good... I just wish I knew what the hell was really going on with him.

[NightLily]

I think he is doing this because he is actually more into you than he lets on. He may have been wanting to make you jealous before and now he wants to make himself known and become a part of your life fully.

[Cynder]

I think he is doing this because he is actually more into you than he lets on. He may have been wanting to make you jealous before and now he wants to make himself known and become a part of your life fully.

 

I thought about that... I just wonder why if that's the case, would he do things that upset me.

[NightLily]

I thought about that... I just wonder why if that's the case, would he do things that upset me.

 

He may only have in mind what he wants (which in this case, may be you)

 

This situation is also complicated to begin with. He may not be able to fully make sense of it. Maybe discuss it with him?

[Cynder]

He may only have in mind what he wants (which in this case, may be you)

 

This situation is also complicated to begin with. He may not be able to fully make sense of it. Maybe discuss it with him?

 

I suppose I could try... I don't know if it would accomplish much. He's going to do what he wants anyway.

[Batya33]

The sex is goos, but it isn't that good... I just wish I knew what the hell was really going on with him.

 

But if the sex isn't that good why do you care what is really going on with him? You can choose to stop the so-so sex, and then you will care a lot less- or not at all -about why he is choosing to behave this way -because once the intercourse stops, his actions won't be able to effect you as they do now, if at all.

[Cynder]

But if the sex isn't that good why do you care what is really going on with him? You can choose to stop the so-so sex, and then you will care a lot less- or not at all -about why he is choosing to behave this way -because once the intercourse stops, his actions won't be able to effect you as they do now, if at all.

 

I didn't mean the sex is only so-so... I know in text it's kind of confusing. The sex is great actually... but I don't know if it's really an even trade off for the way he is acting.

 

I'm not trying to argue, just making a point. I think his actions could still affect me after we stop having sex, because I have feelings for him. He says he does for me too... but I'm starting to wonder.

[lavenderdove]

>>I guess it bugs because worlds are colliding that shouldn't be.

 

I think this is the problem... people as a rule don't like being put into a box and told you can do this but not that if they want something different out of the deal than you do... and some people absolutely hate boundaries and will do everything to push them to get their own way and prove they are in control and can do what they want.

 

People's emotions and intentions don't always stay within the boundaries we want them to, and there are more complicated boundaries in poly relationships.

 

I think this guy wants to be involved in your life, but on his terms, not yours. And he's clearly not respecting your boundaries if you've told him you don't want him poaching your friends or getting involved anywhere in your husband's territory. So he may just not be a good choice for a poly lover if you want to keep to the boundaries that protect your marriage.

 

From a practical standpoint, if you cut him off as a lover, then him being friends with anyone in your circle is not problematic because it doesn't infringe on your boundaries with your husband. So that is what I would probably do, just tell him that if he wants to be intimately involved in your circles where your husband moves, then you can't be his lover. He has to respect that boundary, or it's just not worth it to you because your husband is your primary partner and you will not risk that relationship, so you are better off going back to just being friends and stopping the romance/sex.

[Cynder]

That might be a really good way to frame it too... It's so simple... If he wants to start hanging out with my husband's friends, then I don't see how we can keep this up without causing problems.

[greywolf]

I think that he is again showing you that he does not respect the boundaries of your relationship with him. It happened once when he contacted your friends on facebook, and you said you talked to him, and that he would never do it again. Ok, I can understand someone making a mistake once. But now he is contacting your husband's friends?

[Cynder]

I think that he is again showing you that he does not respect the boundaries of your relationship with him. It happened once when he contacted your friends on facebook, and you said you talked to him, and that he would never do it again. Ok, I can understand someone making a mistake once. But now he is contacting your husband's friends?

 

This friend of my husband's was on my friends list too... he contacted him before wehad our big blowout about all this. I can't just expect him to stop talking to everyone he met on my friends list. I don't think it's right to want that kind of control over someone. Especially someone I'm not even technically in a relationship with. So, he hasn't contacted anyone new.

 

I really hope he decides to not join them... but I can't stop him if thats what he wants to do...