Severely Hot and Cold Ex GF

[MrBrightside15]

Hello. My ex gf and I broke up in January, lived together for three years, both 22 years old. For awhile I chased after her. During that time we talked a lot and hung out often as well, but she quickly started dating this other guy. It really hurt, but I kept going because her and I were having a good time, and it seemed like talked to her in that circumstance was still better than not talking to her at all. Eventually though I wasn't seeing the progress I was hoping for, and no longer liked the vibes she was giving me, so even though she was still completely open to talking and hanging out (no intimacy though) I told her I couldn't keep talking to her while she was seeing someone else. I don't think she believed me, but I went through with it. For 5 weeks I didn't see her/contact her, but she did contact me a few times, all veiled attempts to talk to me.

 

I knew that 5 weeks was as long as it would get because after that her and I and about a dozen other people were going to Vegas to celebrate our friends' wedding. She had made our plane and room reservations for the both of us, and still had all the info so I figured I would have to contact her sometime before we left for that info. She ended up calling me one morning and leaving a voicemail saying she has the itinerary and everything and can't remember if she emailed it to me or not and that I should call her back and that she'll be available all day. I called her back later that day and we ended up agreeing on meeting the next day over coffee to catch up. The next day we didn't end up meeting until late at night and we got together at a public park (her suggestion). We chatted for awhile about what's been going on for the last 5 weeks, then things got serious. I didn't want this kind of conversation, but she kept on going with it. Basically, she ended up saying she's really missed me, been thinking a lot about whether she's made a huge mistake, that her college graduation really sucked not having me there, that she doesn't know what she's doing dating this other guy, but she still doesn't know what she wants relationship-wise. I pretty much just listened and said yeah I missed her too but it hasn't been all bad; that the time apart has really helped me grow a lot as an individual. She asked if we were going to "hang out" at all in Vegas and I said yeah.

 

In Vegas, things were really good between us. She looked amazing the whole time, which was hard but I was looking pretty good myself I must say. We both kept some distance from each other, but ended up hanging out together a lot. Mostly it was with other people, but by the end we were doing things together just the two of us. Looking through all the pictures afterwards and I noticed how we're always walking together or sitting next to each other, or interacting together in some way. Talking to some others on the trip and they thought we were still together by the way we interacted. She was always texting me and letting me know what was going on, what she was doing, and wondering what I was doing. She kept asking for hugs from me as well, which she hasn't done before. One night everybody was really drunk and I tried to kiss her, but she totally denied me. I don't think she remembers that. On both plane rides we sat together because she had booked reserved seating. Everybody else just booked open seating, so we were the only ones with reserved seats, and when someone suggested we forfeit those seats to sit with everyone else, she dismissed the idea. Also, once we got back home, I was getting picked up by my sister, and she asked if she could get a ride too. She hasn't talked to my sister at all since the break up.

 

Since then she's been really hot and cold. This group of people we went to Vegas with has been hanging out a lot back home, and there have been several times she has been there. It's not that she ignores me during these times, it's that she doesn't pay me any special attention. It still makes it really awkward. I got a new apartment, so I've had to contact her about getting my name off of her lease and things like that, and she has been great. Whenever we talk on the phone she is great, it's just when we actually see each other she gets all weird. She called me one day to let me know she took care of everything and that I should be able to get my new apartment now. I was in the middle of something, but took the call anyway. After she told me that, she hung on the line and asked me about how things were going. I talked for a few minutes, then had to go. It took a few tries to get her off the line. At the same time, she has been filling her FB posts with really positive hyperbole like "I couldn't have imagined a better day" or "I love my life and my friends." It's been so frustrating because I've wanted to go NC again, but haven't been able to because either I actually do need her for something, or we keep hanging out with the same people.

 

What am I supposed to do/think?

[LTS48]

What are your goals for NC?

[curious11]

I think if you remain in contact with her like you are, you guys won't get back together and remain "friends".

 

I think if you ever want to be with her again you have to go NC. You have to start to move on completely... give her time to miss you, And miss you enough to realize you are the one for her.

 

Your giving her the ability to move on slowly at her pace.

[MrBrightside15]

I do want to get back together with her again. We've both changed since the break up, but the time we spent together in Vegas only showed me how compatible we really are. That said, she needs to be the one to come after me, since she's the dumper. I have to hear that SHE wants ME back, and not have it be just kind of a reluctant "we'll give it another chance...why not" sort of thing. Her friends have told me that they think I'm the right thing for her, but she needs time to realize it. Staying in contact with her is just too difficult. I'm definitely living my own life, and made a lot of progress during my last NC. I'm going out every weekend trying to meet new people and all that. I wasn't lying to her when I said I'd grown a lot. Living on my own for the first time here will only help more. Her and I have discussed how we can't just be friends because there are too many feelings involved, so she's aware of that. Another thing she said that night we had a heart to heart was that she'd been thinking a lot about what the two of us were. If we were just exes or if we were friends or if we were more than friends.

 

Two questions now:

In less than two weeks, she went from crying in front of me and saying she misses me and may have made a huge mistake to acting like she's completely over me and moved on. Is that just an act? She couldn't have possibly changed that drastically in that amount of time.

 

After the last week or so, I'm really amazed I managed to go 5 weeks without running into her or talking to her, because I haven't even been able to go more than a few days this time. When I want to hang out with this group of friends that we both know, do I always have to ask if she's going to be there? Undoubtedly, there's going to be times when we're around each other - like our friends' wedding in July, for example - how do I act towards her?

[curious11]

Well, no. People can't just change there feelings in two weeks. But they can change how they react to them. My girlfriend or ex (confusing right now) went from calling me everyday telling me how much she loved me, to barely talking to me and rarely telling me she loves me for her own safety (because of the circumstances, distance, trust, etc.)

 

You are right though. She needs to come to you since she broke up with you. As for the group of friends and a goo possibility you'll run into her... I duno what to give fo advice in that situation. You might want to try and hang with a dif. Group of friends for a little while. Its best if you distant yourself completely, because if you disapear off the face of the earth, shell probably miss you even more, and then say to herself "wow, what have I done... what is he up to? I can't lose him".

 

Easier said then done I know. Trust me... I can't even take my own advice LOL. But maybe you are stronger then me.

[CMS]

I think she changed her tune because you were too available, she realized that she can still have you back anytime she wanted to, this feeds off her ego. I agree with curious, go back to NC, for your own sanity to heal, and maybe she will miss you when you disappeared, but do NC for your own sake and for the sole purpose to get her back.