In my case, NC is hurting my cause?

[mistojen]

I find that when I'm NC (had been for two days), I think about the good times we had and it's easier for me to focus on the loss of his child in my life. I just finished having a conversation with him, which he initiated, to explain to him that, I'm sorry I thought that friends with benefits would work for me, but no, I don't want to swing by for some quick sex before I hang out with my family for the day. It seems more healing to me to hear him whine and get passive aggressive about it. Like he's finally showing his true colors because he doesn't have to hide behind the boyfriend mask. It makes me realize that he did the right thing by breaking us off and I definitely do not want him back, because he's made it clear to me what he wants and it doesn't match what I want.

 

...is this normal? Shouldn't I feel worse after breaking NC instead of better?

[Eocsor]

Whatever way you can get to acceptance is OK. But, it was only two days of NC. You tend to cycle through the stages of grief if it was a significant relationship, so there may be some bad times ahead. But everyones different so maybe not for you. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

If you've got clarity now, then what's to lose by going NC?

[corgidude]

There will be good days and bad ones, but a lot of how you feel about things will come from your perception of your ex. The reason you don't feel worse is that he's pretty much made it clear that he only wants you for sex. You know that you're better than that, and to hear him whine and complain that you're standing up for your own well being is helping to reinforce the mentality that you have made the right choice with him. It sounds like your interaction with him today has helped you get some closure, because as you said, it's clear that what he wants isn't a match for what you want.

 

You may have a relapse later on where you do feel bad and miss him, and when those moments come, remember moments like this one where you found the strength to decide that being with him is not at all what you want. It will help you get through the tougher moments without giving in to the urge to make contact. It sounds like you're in a pretty good place if his contact didn't set you back to square one today, so hang on to this mindset as long as you can, and it will help things to get easier.

[mistojen]

catfeeder - he owes me money and he still hasn't moved his child's things out of my apartment yet.

 

Thanks so much guys. Having a rough night (being around family would have helped more if they weren't all in relationships and fighting...and if there weren't their kids around who used to play with my ex's son), so it's nice to see the encouragement.

[corgidude]

How much of his child's things does he have in your apartment? If it's not too much, have a friend come over, load up everything and take it to him. The reason I suggest having a friend is it will help keep him from causing a scene, trying to draw things out, or once again trying to talk you into having sex. The less contact you have with him, the better it will be to help your healing process. Right now, by leaving those things at your apartment, he's giving himself a way to get into contact with you. Judging from his past two contacts with you, he'll probably try and use picking up these things to his advantage. By taking the initiative, you're effectively taking away any legitimate reason for him to contact you or come to your home.

 

As far as the money goes, I guess it really depends on how much he owes you, and whether or not you can afford to let it go. My previous ex still owes me over $200 from a vacation we took together that she never paid her half of, and never finished paying me back for. She's promised me on 2 separate occasions that she'd pay me back, the last time being almost a year ago (long after we'd broken up) and I've yet to see a single cent. At this point, I'm just chalking it up to a bad investment. It's not worth the drama and irritation to get it back, even though I'd love to have the $200. If it's a big enough amount that you absolutely need to be paid back, see if you can wait until later to ask to be paid back. But if you can get by without it, just pretend you lost it at the slot machines.

 

Right now the best thing you can do is to take the initiative to make sure that you only have contact with him when it's YOUR choice, and not his. As long as he has reason to randomly pop up in your life, it can throw off your chances of healing and moving on with your life. Best of luck to you, we're here to listen if you need it!

[mistojen]

An entire bedroom's worth? ALL of the child's clothes and toys, basically. Also the cabinet under the bathroom sink is full of bath toys, bubble bath, etc. Like it would take a couple of trips filling the back of my SUV. Also, I don't have friends here; they've all stopped talking to me because they were friends with him first. I'm trying very hard to be sympathetic to his plight (he's renting a small bedroom at a buddy's house and is trying to remodel the attic so that it's livable and he doesn't have the space to come get this stuff right now) but the longer he takes, the less sympathetic I am. I want to move out of this apartment early because my landlord said that I can, but I can't do that if he's got all this random crap laying around making it impossible for me to have the carpets professionally cleaned as is necessary as per my lease, upon moving out. Last night he came over to grab a couple of things and even then, the old guy that lives downstairs was out in the parking lot having a cigar and yelled out an excited, "hey there! I thought you were moving out, man," to which my ex responded, "yeah, still in process," and laughed...and the old guy's response was, "ohhhh...you better sh-t or get off the pot, son." If I hadn't already been so annoyed by the mixed signals my ex had been giving off, I would have laughed at that, because yeah...you wanted to leave, so LEAVE.

 

As far as the money goes, he owes me about $1200 give or take and seeing as how I'm going to be moving into my grandma's house in August because I can't even afford the REDUCED rent of the ONE bedroom (I'm in a two bedroom now) in this place, I really can't afford to take that additional financial hit. I have, however, figured in the full payments of the credit cards without his contribution (am proud of myself for that), just in case he screws me over or it gets just too damn annoying having to see him once a month to collect for the next however long. Ha, maybe that would be easier. Pretending I lost it at the slot machines, I mean. Thanks for the grin on that one, corgi

 

Thank you so much. I keep telling myself to be strong and ride it out until I'm moved out. I've already told him that come June 30, if he's still got crap here, he can consider it trashed or sold because I'm not going to store his things for him. Time is running out, but I have EVERY intention of keeping that promise. If anything left here belongs to the baby, I will drive that stuff up to the baby's mom's house my damn self and my ex can pick it up there when he so chooses to visit his son again once everything is settled. But, uh, the sooner, the better, yanno? lol

[myheadvsheart]

Hey! Congrats on sticking to your boundaries!

 

Just do not take it upon yourself to trash his property. Give him notice to remove his stuff, if he's on the lease, he may have to agree to ending the lease early - not sure I've seen instances where a landlord allows one party to leave early w/out consent of the other party on the lease. Breaking the lease replacing the roommate, etc. usually requires a signature and a notary - but check your lease agreement. If your ex refuses to pay the debt owed to you or fails to remove his property by the end of the lease and you incur a bill from the landlord because he has to remove - take your ex to small claims court. It's better if your landlord is the one removing the property, not you disposing of it before leaving - b/c your ex can always argue that you disposed of his property before he could get it before the lease expired. Do not set yourself up to get a bill from your ex for throwing his property out.

[mistojen]

Thank you.

 

I've already told him when I have to be out of the apartment. He moved out leaving me with all the bills. Yes, he signed the lease with me, but it is a month-to-month lease and it's very informal; my landlord already discussed with me keeping the same lease in place and simply crossing out my ex's name, changing the rent amount and the apartment number and then getting together to just initial both my copy and the landlord's to put the change into effect. So, by leaving early, I literally just mean I'd rather move downstairs next week than wait until June 30, and that's all. I appreciate where you're coming from, but he keeps coming over to take his things (a few t-shirts here, a few DVDs there) and just keeps leaving the baby's things here and like I said, I would never trash the baby's stuff; I'd take that stuff up to the baby mama's house and leave it with her.

 

Thank you for the advice though, I will keep it in mind if anything of his is actually still here when my time is up. My statement to him was mostly an effort to light a fire under his ass, but while I'm not going to store his kid's stuff because it's too painful, knowing I'll never see that little boy ever again when I love him to bits, I would never actually dispose of it. His snake, on the other hand, I would probably sell or give to a pet store if he doesn't come for it. I can't be responsible for taking care of an animal that I neither want nor can take with me to an apartment other than the other one owned by my current landlord. It's cruel to leave the animal for the landlord to "dispose" of, but my grandmother certainly isn't going to let me move in with a four foot snake in tow and I wouldn't want to, anyway. If he doesn't come get the snake, I'd be forced to take it somewhere where it can be given a new home. If I make money off of that, he can choose to take the money (which would obviously make me angry, but whatever, his snake, his money) or consider it a payment toward the debt he owes me. You know?

[HonouredPenny]

I had a similar issue with my ex. She owed me £85 for a passport. She wanted to give it back but the pain of either seeing her or a cheque with her signature on it wasn't worth £85, so I told her not to worry about it because I didn't want to see or hear from her. I'm kicking myself now, not because I want the money but because I should have accepted it to demonstrate that I wasn't going to put up with doormat-syndrome after she broke up with me. However, I like the slot machine analogy, I'll remember that!

 

$1200 dollars plus bills and the hassle of having to change your living arrangements is a different ball-game altogether. You can't walk away from that amount of money. He needs to demonstrate some personal responsibility for the payments he agreed to, at least until you're in a secure financial position. Whatever you decide to do about delivering the child's belongings (I agree a friend should do it so it doesn't interrupt your healing process) you need to make it clear that he has a $1200 debt to step up to. It's also a good opportunity for you to reinforce the self-respect you have for yourself. Any ex who suggests a friends-with-benefits arrangement has no respect for you and doesn't believe that you have any self-respect either, so they take advantage any way they can. I know this because my own ex suggested it and was surprised when her doting doormat flatly refused. A HUGE kudos to you for avoiding the whole ex-sex thing. Reinforce it by making sure he doesn't disrespect you further by running you a merry dance over his debts.

[mistojen]

Had a super busy week and completely lost track of where this thread disappeared to, sorry Penny - I don't want you to think I was ignoring your response.

 

I've been devouring self-help books as of late. My commute to work was costing me money I didn't have, so I switched to taking the city bus, which with all its stops, takes about an hour to get to and an hour to get from the place of work. So, I've got two hours a day to read built in. I've been reading on breaks, because I work alone, so there's no one to talk to. I've been reading at home when I have nothing else to do, which is to say...most of the time. I have been focusing on myself and how to feel good about me as well as how to get out of debt. Between The Secret, It's Called a Breakup Because Its Broken, and How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out Of Debt, and Live Prosperously, I've stopped feeling like crap about the break up and started focusing on what I want for my future and how I can get there.

 

I realized after reading the second book mentioned, that really, I was already halfway through the healing process when he finally broke up with me. I'd seen it coming, because it had been looming for months. When it first happened, all I could think was where did that come from?! but after reading those books I realized, uh, I knew it was going to happen; for crying out loud, I'd already started looking and applying for a job, I'd told his son on I can't even remember how many occasions that if Daddy and I didn't work and I had to go away, I would always love him, think of him, and miss him, and that he will always be on my mind. I hadn't even considered that I'd done that - or realized that I had, for that matter - until I read that book. Upon realizing that I was already mostly through the mourning process, I considered the possibility that I wasn't really that upset about him breaking up with me. What I was upset about was the loss of his son and the idea of having to stand on my own two feet to support myself when I wasn't financially prepared to do so.

 

So, while I know that NC is preached with the highest authorities both here and in breakup books...I've been hanging out with my ex every few days and I'm fine. I don't miss him, I don't want to get back together, but I do enjoy his company very much, because we're interested in the same things. He's stayed the night here a couple of times, but we didn't sleep together, we just had some nice, long talks, watched some TV until it was too late for me to drive him home without us both missing our decided bed times, and we fell asleep in the same bed. We talked about how much we miss J (he hasn't had a chance to see his son in the same amount of time I haven't, because he has no car [nor does his wife] and talking on the phone with a two-year-old is only so fulfilling). He texted me last night begging me to come with him to visit his son, because he said J has been asking about me and if my car is broken and when we're coming for him (I'm the only one of us with a car, so J associates me with coming "home" since we had full custody for a while). Part of me is pretty sure he's so set on me coming is because of the possibility of his previous ride bailing on him, but he's willing to fill my gas tank (not gonna complain about free gasoline, not when it's 3.89/gallon here) and if he just wanted me to drop him off and pick him up, he would have said so.

 

I'm no longer bitter about the lack of appreciation I felt before...recently, he's apologized for it (which I didn't need to help me feel better, but was nice to hear anyway) and he's said he hopes we can get back together someday, when he can fix what's going on in his head that prevents him from being comfortable with having a "boyfriend' or "husband" title. I told him maybe, but the moment of clarity came when I found myself thinking, "no, we won't...and that's okay, because I want a husband and kids and you want to be a bachelor with your current child as the only one in your life forever." A few weeks ago, I never would have thought that; I'd have hung onto his sentiment and analyzed it to death. Now, I figure if he wants to get back together, fine, but it'll be under my conditions and since that will never work because he's too strong-willed and stubborn, I'm fine with us just being friends. It's working out better for us and, quite honestly, we're a million times more comfortable around each other now than we were the last two months of our relationship. I like us better as friends.

 

So, just wanted to update you guys, because I'm sure that there's probably some skepticism around ena about the title of my thread lol but I'm really okay and, in fact, am better than okay. I'm excited for the new life that will start for me on July 1 when I move out of this place. I'm so stoked about starting up a house savings so that I can have a decent-sized down payment when I decide it's time to buy a house. I'm beyond thrilled at focusing on the different possible ways for me to get pregnant and have my own child without having to be in a relationship, and I'm enthralled by the hard work I'm going to be putting in to moving up the company ladder of a new job so that, someday, I will be making enough to do all of those things without needing a man to make it happen. I am completely certain that when I get there, I will have enough self-confidence and happiness in my life that if a man does come around, it will be easier (much easier) for me to be in a relationship with him without instinctively putting all my eggs into that particular basket. I've not been this happy and excited in months and the high has lasted me almost a week consistently, now.

 

So, I just wanted to let you guys know where I'm at and be the odd one out for which NC actually made things worse. While I totally agree with the IDEA of NC if you're not healed...my advocacy lies more in the idea of, look inside yourself and see if you're still in the healing process or if, maybe, you've already healed and are just in too much shock to realize it. If so, stop going through the motions of being unhappy and devastated by the change in your life and embrace it. It's OKAY to talk to and hang out with the ex...if you're sure you're ready and aren't harboring hope for rekindling what's gone.