She needs a few days to think?

[glimmerofhope]

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months. We were friends for some time before that. Things definitely moved very fast, I think in part because we already had that familiarity going in. I'm 31, she's 34, a single mom with two children. I'll spare you all the rest of the details, but I sincerely believe there's a lot of good here, I think (or thought) she feels the same way and I would like to do whatever I can to keep things moving in a positive direction.

 

Unfortunately, we've had some communication issues lately. Most of it seems to start when we talk about heavy stuff via texts. Things seem to get misunderstood and it causes major problems. This happened again this past Wednesday, and the next day she sent me a text saying she needed us to "take a step back for a few days" because the situation was stressing her out. She said she was too busy to take the time to do this in person or over the phone. I got frustrated and basically said fine, if you can't even take 15 minutes to have a discussion in person, I guess that's it. She comes back by saying that this is exactly what she was talking about, that I took her small request for a few days and blew it up into something much larger, and that this is what is causing her so much stress.

 

She also said that my actions and words do not match up. Earlier in the week I had told her she could take all the time and space she needs. She felt that my desire to talk for a few minutes before "taking a step back for a few days" amounted to me going back on my promise to give her space. However, she had been texting me all week long after I told her I'd give her time/space, and all I did during that time was respond to her. I did not initiate any calls, texts or any communication at all during that stretch. I think the mixed signals confused me, so all I wanted was to talk for a few minutes to get some clarification.

 

I have not had any communication with her since this past Thursday morning. We have not seen or spoken to each other since last Sunday morning (she and her 8-year-old son had spent the night at my place). Mind you, our usual routine involved seeing or speaking to each other pretty much every day.

 

She has vocalized a need for some space, and I am willing to give her that. At the same time, I'm frustrated that we couldn't have spoken first just to be sure we're on the same page. I mean, is this really like she says, that she wants to talk about this in person but she's too busy/stressed and won't be able to do it for a few days? Or are we on a break? Is seeing other people on the table? I feel like a mutual understanding on these matters is really important at times like this.

 

I should mention that I had a bad experience in the past with something similar. I told the girl I was seeing that I needed space for a couple of days, and she jumped into bed with someone the next day. All I was trying to do here was have a clear understanding of where we were at so we could avoid a similar situation.

 

So...I'm giving her space, but I'm confused as heck and feeling pretty insecure about all of this. Are we headed toward a break or am I making too much of this like she said I am? What do I do (or not do)?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She said she was too busy to take the time to do this in person or over the phone.

 

If someone can only discuss heavy topics via text and can't tackle them in person or on the phone, then perhaps they are not worth being with. She seems to be hiding behind text messaging..doesn't want to talk to you, only wants to send you a bunch of meaningless texts. I would say you deserve better than that.

[glimmerofhope]

If someone can only discuss heavy topics via text and can't tackle them in person or on the phone, then perhaps they are not worth being with. She seems to be hiding behind text messaging..doesn't want to talk to you, only wants to send you a bunch of meaningless texts. I would say you deserve better than that.

 

Well, she said she was extremely busy and stressed right now and wouldn't be ready to have a heart-to-heart for a few days. She did not say she was unwilling to talk in person, and she has not shown herself to be unwilling in the past, either. It's not as if we never talk about such things in person...in fact, we typically do. It's just when we make the mistake of having these discussions via text instead that problems arise.

 

I dunno. She is a single mom with two kids; I know her life can get pretty insane. I'm trying to cut her some slack here, I guess.

 

I certainly agree with you, though, if this was going to be the pattern. Text messages are just not a good means of communicating anything significant. How much can really be said in 160 characters anyhow?

[mrwebcam]

I just don't get why people say they don't have time to talk on the phone but they do have time to text. Pretty much seems like she is hiding behind the texts, i hate texting as their is so many misunderstandings through texts. To me it would of been nice for you two to communicate directly about the issues so you know what you have to deal with. Your doing right by not contacting her and giving her space,hopefully she not stalling a breakup with you two.

[lavenderdove]

I think whenever someone asks for space, give them all the space in the world. Don't initiate any contact at all or ask to see or talk to them.

 

And if someone tries to discuss an 'issue' in a text, don't do that either, because one cannot have a meaningful dialogue in texts, which as you discover can be easily misunderstood, and texts aren't a sufficient way to have a meaningful conversation between two people... too short, and too easily misunderstood. In person is best, but phone conversations are also OK.

 

I think she could indeed have spared a few minutes to talk to you on the phone... it sounds more like she is a person who wants to avoid confrontations or real discussions of issues. I think you shouldn't have tried to push her into a conversations when she's just told you she needs some space (i.e., you should have said fine, talk to you in a week), but she shouldn't try to initiate text conversations when she told you she needs space. So it sounds like you're a person who wants to pursue interactions and discussions, and she's an 'avoider' who doesn't want to have them in person or on the phone because she feels pressured by that, and a pursuer and an avoider are not always a good combination.

 

I would give her her space, but refuse to discuss these kinds of things in texts. Just tell her that when she is ready to talk about it, to call you, but you don't want to have talks like this in texts because they get misunderstood and it's not a real dialogue.

[dramallama]

What lavenderdove said +1

[glimmerofhope]

One other thing I forgot to mention: we work together. Or rather, we work for the same company in different departments. At this very moment, in fact, we are both here at work. Different offices, but still both here. There's no reason we should have to interact at all today, but do I just say something to her to let her know I'm here to do work? I legitimately have a huge project due next week and stuff needs to get done. I just don't want her to think I am checking up on her or anything.

[dramallama]

One other thing I forgot to mention: we work together. Or rather, we work for the same company in different departments. At this very moment, in fact, we are both here at work. Different offices, but still both here. There's no reason we should have to interact at all today, but do I just say something to her to let her know I'm here to do work? I legitimately have a huge project due next week and stuff needs to get done. I just don't want her to think I am checking up on her or anything.

If you don't want her to think that you are checking up on her, then don't check up on her at all. If SHE contacts you, then tell her that you would like to give her space, but if she ever wants to discuss the relationship IN PERSON, since you two are easily able to meet up for coffee, then she is welcome to do so. If you don't hear from her, then you have your answer.

[glimmerofhope]

If you don't want her to think that you are checking up on her, then don't check up on her at all. If SHE contacts you, then tell her that you would like to give her space, but if she ever wants to discuss the relationship IN PERSON, since you two are easily able to meet up for coffee, then she is welcome to do so. If you don't hear from her, then you have your answer.

 

Well said.

[tresqua]

When she says she wants space.. and when I say "she" I mean any woman you might be in a relationship with, say "ok, you got it". Without all the "let's talk first" stuff. Then back off and wait until she comes looking for you, until such time as she either figures it out, or you get tired of waiting and go find someone else.

 

As far as your concerns.. they're valid. If she's looking for space, she's considering breaking up with you and all you can do is let her work through it. Trying to force it will only work against you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One other thing I forgot to mention: we work together. Or rather, we work for the same company in different departments. At this very moment, in fact, we are both here at work. Different offices, but still both here. There's no reason we should have to interact at all today, but do I just say something to her to let her know I'm here to do work? I legitimately have a huge project due next week and stuff needs to get done. I just don't want her to think I am checking up on her or anything.

 

No, just do your work. If she comes in to talk to you then just tell her that you are very busy with the project and a deadline and need to focus on that. In other words, don't approach her at all..and if she approaches you then don't engage her. She wanted a break to not discuss issues. Often when people do that it is either because they prefer not to confront issues or because it is a power play...a way to make the other person sit and stew and wonder and worry. Show her you are not concerned and you can take her or leave her by completely leaving her be and being polite but distant.

[glimmerofhope]

Just found out from a mutual friend who had dinner with my girlfriend last night that she's not contemplating a break-up at all, and is overall very happy with the relationship. That makes no sense to me. She calls me obsessive and childish, tells me she's not satisfied with our sex life and then says I stress her out. She then says she needs to take a step back for a few days. At no point did she tell me anything that would make me believe she actually still wanted to pursue a relationship. Not one positive word was said about either me or our relationship this past week.

 

Yet she says I blow things out of proportion by saying it sounded to me like we were headed toward a break-up? What the heck was I supposed to think?! And what on earth is SHE thinking? Are there people out there who think it's normal to berate your significant other, ditch them for a week without giving them any assurances and then come back and everything will be fine again? This is not the girl I knew as a friend or even as a girlfriend for the first six weeks. I have no idea who I am dealing with right now...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you are getting to know the REAL her...without the mask...the one who wants to be in control. People still put on a mask when they are friends. The mask comes off with a partner once the relationship becomes less novel.

[glimmerofhope]

It's now been over a week since we've seen or spoken to each other. We're working on five days of no contact at all--no texts, no emails. Again, we have a mutual friend who insists that my girlfriend still thinks we are dating and wants to continue to do so. But how much more time has to elapse with no contact at all before you're really just not together any longer? Is it possible she is waiting for me to contact her?

 

Her last text said: "I'm going to need us to take a step back for a few days. I would prefer to have this conversation in person but I have so much going on that it would be a few days out, and I know you are anxious for some sort of answer from me. This is just too much stress for me right now."