friend took the girl I should be with but its my fault.

[Cmaj7th]

my friend is dating the girl Im crazy about. I'm so upset I can't stand it. I hate feeling this way, I pretend like I don't have feelings and it absolutely kills me to make myself this vulnerable. I pushed away the only person I had left. I feel very strongly towards my best friend. this last year has been extremely hard for me for reasons I don't care to repeat here. noone else in my life knew because like I said I always pretend like things are fine.

 

I pretend to be some macho tough guy to everyone I come in contact with but in truth I've been hurting for a long time. she was the only one who knew and she tried so hard to change that. she would take coffee to my job if I said in a text I offhandedly I had a bad day. she was always there if I needed her without question. she put up with all my arrogant BS and walked off every ignorant remark I'd make. one day at a party we slept together and the next day I told her it was a mistake.

 

I knew she liked me and I felt the same way. but I don't like being close to people especially females, how the hell could I tell someone that without looking weak? so I just told her I didnt feel the same way. she said she couldnt see me for awhile so she could get over me and I told her that was ok.

 

we resumed our friendship and I further pushed my feelings deep down. I knew she liked me still so I was intentionally rude to push her away. I would ignore her calls sometimes and refer to her as "dude" as I knew she didnt like it. she started to like one of my closest friends and I couldnt blame her. he's everything Im not; sensitive, thoughtful, considerate, warm, inviting. I don't want anything resembling intimacy but he's such a welcoming and loving person. he's also a virgin and a hopeless romantic, I myself am much more cynical.

 

she liked him for his sweetness. they began to get closer and I began to get upset. one day I told her how I felt, that I really did have feelings for her for the last year but that I thought it was too late. she told me that she had strong feelings for me as well. my friend being the goddamn saint that he is suggested we both take her on dates until it becomes serious with one, then the other merely walk away no harm no foul. I foolishly thought that it would be him walking away, that I had experience charming girls and he did not.

 

it went alright for a few weeks. she admitted she felt pressured and awkward but would agree as long as noone got their feelings hurt. today I had a party at my house and they both came. I hardly talked to her like normal, my friend came late so he could only catch her as she was leaving.

 

later he pulled me aside and asked if I would tell him if we slept together. I flatly said no and that it was none of his business. he kept going on and on that he would tell me but I wouldnt budge. then he told me what they had done.... I kept begging for him not to. "I dont care, do what you want just dont tell me." I pleaded but he said it anyway. how he kissed her goodbye when she left my house and how they had hooked up a few days before.

 

I'm not normally a jealous person. I usually dont care at all if a girl Im dating even sleeps with another man as I never get attached. but just hearing that they kissed drives me insane and I cant get it out of my head. he saw that I got upset and went to call her to tell her they were done. I heard him laughing on the phone with her.... trying to be serious but failing.

 

and thats when I hit rock bottom. why cant I call her on the phone and talk to her? she was sick these last few days and he brought chicken soup to her house. I thought of doing that when she told me she was sick but thought it would be "too nice" of a gesture and decided against it. why do I do that?

 

now the one person who forever reason decides to put up with my BS and love me inspite of it is with my friend. and I can't blame her, he is better than me. I may have an easier time talking to girls and act like I'm the bees knees but I know he is the better man. I just am not as nice, as badly as I wish I was.

 

so now I dont know what to do. she was really the only person I looked forward to speaking to and spending time with and now shes found someone better. I have better chemistry with her and more in common, but I am not nearly as nice as my friend is. I told her tonight in a text after she went to sleep that I dont think we should hang out together for awhile.

 

do I swallow my feelings and let something good happen between them?

[gingerlemon]

I vote leave the two of them be, and do a bit of work on yourself before you get involved with another girl. What do you think you have learned from this, and how are you going to act on that learning?

[Pennypacker]

I vote leave the two of them be, and do a bit of work on yourself before you get involved with another girl. What do you think you have learned from this, and how are you going to act on that learning?

 

Sounds right.

[catfeeder]

If you care about her so much, then decide whether you believe she deserves to be positioned as your therapist, or whether she deserves to relax and enjoy being with someone who's willing to treat her well.

 

The one thing I learned about attempting relationships when either I wasn't ready or my potential lover was with someone else is patience. If a couple is the real deal, I don't belong in that mix, and if they are not, they'll run the course of their relationship in their own time. By then, maybe I'll be in a better place in my own head to step up then.

 

Consider putting your eyes on your own paper. Work with a therapist, clergy or self help group to tackle your own fears and insecurities. By the time you reach higher ground, the right person for you can meet you there.

[Cmaj7th]

Thanks for your responses. They have been valid and warranted. With that said, the events that followed this thread have played out quite differently. I told her that I would leave them be and that I wanted to make her happy. During this I told her how I really felt, more than the "Im attracted to you" conversation I had with her a few weeks prior. For alcohol related reasons I was able to tell her how much she meant to me, and that it was going to kill me to lose her but I deserved it and she deserves better. She did not have much to say and got upset and left shortly after.

 

The next day she broke things off with my friend and I was shocked. It was mutual though, he (being the annoying saint once again) said he did not want to risk our friendship over a girl and said he would rather me be with her (he heard nothing of my drunken confession). I asked her why she did this and she said "jacks an amazing guy, quite possibly the better guy, but I can't be with someone if my heart belongs to someone else. this is not an invitation for you to try and date me, you have a lot of issues you need to sort out before you can think about that happening."

 

I told her I understood as I did, hell I didnt think she would consider me an option at this point. I apologized for everything I had said, she told me she had been waiting a year for me to tell her how I feel. I told her I don't like to talk about things like that, and even though I meant every word I reminded her I would never have said such things sober. I told her I don't have conversations like that with people. "luckily for you I do and can be patient. you have to meet me half way but I can't turn my back on you." I didnt know what to say to this.

 

So thats what that is. We're not together, her and my friend are not together, in fact me and her are not speaking at the moment. She said she needed a few weeks with no contact with me to sort her thoughts out. She also said I needed time to figure out what I want.

 

You guys were right I should have left her alone, and in my defense I tried to do so. but for some reason she keeps giving me second chances. She sees something in me I dont see in myself. That is why I never wanted to pursue her before; I can't remember caring about someone this much for so long but I want better for her. I want prince charming to come sweep her off her feet and take care of her even though it would kill me. She has so much love to give and I want someone who can return it. But she wont let me turn my back to her and it's felt so wrong this last year as Ive tried to do so. So right now we're not speaking while we both think. About what I'm not sure.

 

I know someone reading this might think I'm a big jerk, I guess I am. but I care so much about this girl and I want her to be happy... I want to be the one who makes her happy. I just dont know how to do that right now, Im afraid of trying to date and losing our friendship. But just being friends feels so unnatural now, all I can think about is holding her and telling her everything will be okay. I'm just so confused.

[gingerlemon]

Hey, you got a real gift there. Take this wonderful opportunity to work on yourself and be with someone who loves you, and who you love, at the same time. Are you ready to try to meet her half way as she requested? She's given you a great chance here, will you step up to the occasion and try to give her something back? You're her prince charming. Own it.

[Cmaj7th]

It is a gift and you're right. She is an extremely special person it is hard to explain. She has had an awful childhood, things happened that I wouldn't wish on anyone. She has decided to respond to her terrible upbringing by treating the people she cares about with truly unconditional love. Once you're one of her "people" she won't let you mess it up and thats why she still talks to me.

 

I'm going to try and take things slow. Just dates and light hearted stuff and let things happen naturally.

[gingerlemon]

That sounds like a good approach. Just remember to be honest and straight forward with her. Honesty gets you really, really far in relationships. Good luck!