LittleMonkey Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Guys, I'm just about over 3 weeks of NC, things have been looking slightly better (possibly because of denial), but then I found out she changed her FB profile to a pic of her with some other guy (I'll spare the profanity) Story's on my previous thread. I've been having non-stop nightmares every night, and they've been getting worse since I found out about that. Previously people said that it's probably a rebound, but I'm in so much pain, afraid she's gonna stay with that ****, worst part is thinking of her sleeping with him, you see we were each others firsts, and the thought of her sharing that with someone else, him defiling her like that is unbearable... On facebook I've hidden her wall posts, and hid her on chat, some people tell me to unfriend her, but should I? obviously I still have feelings for her... Pros: Unfriending may on one side(if she even notices, she's got like 4000 friends) make her feel like I'm moving further away, moving on which may make her miss me. Keeping her may make her think I'm keeping her because I still want her back and stalking her, maybe it makes her feel like she can still have me whenever she wants (which is probably true because I have intense feelings for her) If I unfriend her, I may feel freer to write anything I want without thinking what she may think about it (if she hadn't hid me too, that is...) Preventing her from seeing updates about me may strengthen NC, 'vanishing off the face of the earth' Unfriending her myself may be better than finding out someday that she's unfriended me. Cons: From my side, not seeing her updates/chat goes half way anyway. Unfriending her may seem to her as if I'm doing it for childish reasons, as if I care too much about Facebook stuff trying to do something symbolic to attract attention (already made a mistake here, the day she dumped me I changed the relationship status from blank (we both had it blank) to single, she changes to single about 2 weeks later-still afraid she may have seen I've changed it so she's changed it too) Her profile is set to friends only so I really won't be able to see anything anymore, don't know if its a bad thing though... Unfriending feels very final, as if I'm giving up all hope of getting back, something that can't be undone (I can't send her a friend request after unfriending her, that would be seriously lame) I also have some of her family/friends on facebook, so deleting her and not them may contribute to the 'childish' reason. Deleting them too, may seem childish too... Unfriending her will prevent her from seeing updates about me, how 'I move on with life and happy without her' (if she hadn't hid me, again). So what will it be? Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 This topic has been discussed to death......you will find countless threads if you search "Facebook" (Perhaps we need a Facebook Forum since it generates a lot of jealousy, insecurity, hurt etc) Delete her Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Once you delete her, after a couple of weeks, you will wonder why you didn't do it ages ago... It just makes life so much easier and it aligns yourself with the concept of moving on... Link to comment
nattpanter Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Oh you are all softies why not block her instead? Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Or the unthinkable *gasp* "deactivate". 8-[ Link to comment
TheBlackDahlia Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Or the unthinkable *gasp* "deactivate". 8-[ There's really no need to do that. Blocking works just fine. If your ex actually bothers to put in the effort to see your page (by using someone else's profile, etc.), that's their issue. Link to comment
Robin2904 Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Delete AND block. Trust me for the best. I know it might seem like a 'con' right now not being able to see her page or have any contact with her but TRUST us all its what needs to be done. The first thing I did was block my ex. It helped me a lot especially in the beginning. Now you are raw and you need to get away from her. You don't need the reminder of her on your page it will only set you back. Doing NC and having her on your FB still are contradictory. I know how tough it is....but it's something that needs to be done so you can heal Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 She's dumped you and is spending time with other guys already. So it sounds like she's already moved on, so at this point you only have yourself to look out for and do what is in your best interests. You can't move further away from someone that has already dumped you because you don't have her anymore, so you can't distance yourself from someone that you don't have. She has distanced herself already. She has already made it final for you. You can't start NC until you deleted your ex, or blocked them if you need to (if you check their page, even just once). Plenty of people have tried, but it only sets you back. I have written a thread about facebook and exes, it's in my signature. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 So how do the privacy settings work? As far as I understand it, if I remove her as a friend, won't she still be able to my profile as we have joint friends? For example, I'm friends with her friends, she's friends with mine, I'm friends with her family, she's friends with mine etc. So we have loads of interconnected friends on facebook. Even with unfriending, won't she still be able to see when I add new photos or my news feeds as we have joint friends on there? I don't really want to block her - it seems a bit childish and I can see it starting off a whole different barrel of fish with her that I don't really need at the moment. Link to comment
LittleMonkey Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 You can set your profile privacy to friends only, plus, you can block certain people from certain things such as the wall, all while staying friends with them. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 People can only see as much information as you allow them to, regardless of whether you have mutual friends or not. Go to your account and change everything to "friends only" and then keep pressing the button that allows you to preview your profile, that way you will be able to see what you ex does (and doesn't see). I think the strictest that facebook will let you have your settings, before actually blocking them, is your first and surname, gender, and one profile picture. And that is what I recommend too. Don't worry what your ex thinks if you block her. If you are checking her page, it doesn't help YOU to start moving on. And blocking ex's helps you to stop checking their page, so that's all that matters. You need to stop worrying what your ex thinks of your actions, as long as they don't affect them or you don't go out of your way to hurt them, because your ex has chosen not to be with you. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 You can set your profile privacy to friends only, plus, you can block certain people from certain things such as the wall, all while staying friends with them. Then why stay friends with them though? I don't understand why dumpees will bend over backwards and jump through hoops to stop their ex from showing up on their newsfeed, or blocking their own wall or pictures from their ex. It's like, why not just remove them from your friends' list? Actually, I do understand why dumpees do that - they don't want to "annoy" their ex, or ruin any chances of reconciliation. In fact deleting your ex from facebook, and other parts of your life, will allow them to live with the consequence of leaving you, and realise what life is like without you in it - by doing that you actually increase chances of reconciliation. You can't disappear if your ex can still see your profile, and as a general rule, people only truly appreciate something when it's completely gone. But the main point is that it helps you to heal. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 I just deleted somebody as a friend today who is a friend of my ex. My ex isn't on FB to my knowledge. The friend wasn't close or really thoughtful, and I'm glad I did it. I don't particularly want ANYTHING about my life getting back to my ex. I'm not seeing anybody or anything, just how I want things to be - and yes, I do feel better. Link to comment
LittleMonkey Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 The thing is, She will also not see any progress that I made, she may think I'm just staying the same guy she dumped. I want to show her that I'm becoming better, having fun... unfriending/blocking her will not let her see it, that's the dilemma. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 If your ex wants to know what progress you've made or to discuss whether you have changed enough to be in a relationship again, she will ask you directly. Besides, if you are changing for someone else, you aren't really changing. Only trying to give the appearance of changing, with your ex in the back of your mind. Let go of her for good, and grieve for the loss of the relationship, and that's the only way to truly change. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Fair enough, one more question then... on my friends facebook page some pictures were put up by one of his friends. He mentioned about them but I can't see them, and I'm not friends with the person who put them up. Also, on my friends facebook profile page, under his profile picture are the wall, info, photos etc links. The number that is in brackets after photos has increased but I can't see any new photos etc. Is the number that is in brackets the number of photos that they have been tagged in? For example, I have about 200 photos on facebook in my albums etc, but on my profile page it says Photos (50). Is this just what I have been tagged in rather than albums etc? And finally, if I am not friends with the person who originally put the pictures on facebook can I not see them even though my friend was tagged or does it depend on the posters own privacy settings? Hope that makes sense! Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 I think your best bet would be to ask those questions on facebook's forum. But as for your ex, you should preview your profile to get an idea of what your page will look like when you defriend her. Just do it now - it will speed up your healing so much and save you a lot of pain in the future. Link to comment
Samatha Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Can I 'spam' a bit here? It's just a tiny moment... but listen to dramallama.. as I came here, I felt she was harsh, she didn't 'understand', and she was hurting me and didn't empathise with me. Fact is.. she helped me a lot. A LOT. So listen to her. In your head or heart, what you get to read, maybe sound false and wrong. But it's really the best way for healing. And while healing, if there is any chance for an ex coming back THIS is by far the best way to go. But healing has priority. So follow her instructions/guide.. and take those actions like deleting or blocking. For now, it will be the best solution, to both your mind and heart, even if it feels wrong. After days, weeks or months, you will appreciate that you did so. (word from a 4th month dumpee ) Link to comment
twitchyfingers Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 For people who are having a hard time pulling the trigger on deleting the ex from fb: One thing to remember, is: if, once you've fully healed, and are ready to accept any (or no) reaction from your ex, you can always ask to re-friend. If there truly is a basis for friendship, the other person will understand why you needed to be out of contact. Just be sure of course that you are really, really over them, romantically, so you aren't re-hurt if they reject or ignore. Link to comment
siktomystomach Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Here's what I did....deleted and blocked her...her friends....her family.....if youre concerned about working it out then let her wonder what youre up to, not just know....girls today are different man..being soft and crying out to them after theyve broken up with you with only annoy them....let her wonder man, thats all. then if she doesnt, then she wasnt coming back anyway. Link to comment
siktomystomach Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Here's what I did....deleted and blocked her...her friends....her family.....if youre concerned about working it out then let her wonder what youre up to, not just know....girls today are different man..being soft and crying out to them after theyve broken up with you with only annoy them....let her wonder man, thats all. then if she doesnt, then she wasnt coming back anyway. Link to comment
jodi Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Delete AND block IMO! Its the best way! I did it and yes I regretted it at first but I soon got past it!! Link to comment
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