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Soooo painful!


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Last night, my boyfriend of a year and half told me he loves me but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Our relationship has been rocky for about two months now.


I have been in other relationships in the past and gone through breakups but this has by far been the worst I have ever experienced. In that year and a half, we have somehow managed to spend every waking moment together. We are at the same university getting our graduate degrees so he would even come over to my office during the day or I would go to his and we would do our work together during the day. I practically lived with him, I would just go over to my place every once in a while. He proposed to me last December as well.


He is middle eastern and I am originally from Europe. The arguing started when he told me that he isn't comfortable with my guy friends, he thinks that men and women cannot have purely platonic relationships. I am in engineering and 80% of my close friends are men. He didn't express this issue until a couple months ago when I received a text message from a guy friend late at night asking me how I'm doing. Granted the timing was inappropriate, the message itself was completely harmless. It was a friend I have known for years and it simply said something like "Hey, its been a while, how are ya?".


My ex threw a temper tantrum that night, yelled and screamed at me about "whoring" around with other men, throwing punches at the wall, and throwing objects. I got very afraid and left. I had never seen that side of him....ever.....he had been the most charming man I had ever been with.


It was downhill from there. Our once wonderful relationship turned extremely unhealthy overnight. Everything just crashed down. It was an endless cycle for about two months until he just said "It's over, get out".


Now I know that the last two months have been extremely unhealthy and that us separating is for the best. However, I love this man. I feel like I cannot function.


I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything....I'm sitting on my couch and it took a tremendous amount of energy to get my computer. I feel like a part of me was ripped out........all those dreams and goals I had with him.....all gone. I've been in longer relationships but this was the most intense......I was going to marry this man.


I cried my eyes out, he didn't shed a tear....all he said was "I love you but part of loving somebody is just letting them go".


This is the most pain I have ever felt in my life.......I seriously feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

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I've got a female friend who dated a middle eastern guy - and he did the same thing to her.


Maybe it's the way they are raised or something, but I'd count your lucky stars that this has happened. Because to tell you, you are whoring around just spells trouble/doom/gloom for the rest of your relationship.


And to be honest, it wouldn't have been much of a relationship anyways.

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I am so sorry for your pain. I know just how you feel. On April 2nd my ex told me the same thing. He loves me to death but doesn't want to be with me, well mine was a bit different. We had plans of getting married and he told me he wasn't ready for that.


It does feel like death. I couldn't eat, sleep, do anything. It is so out of this world. You can't believe whats happened. You will feel better. It takes time, everyone will tell you that it takes him and you just need to keep your head up and they are all right. I'm still hurting, everyday, all the time but i've gotten a lot better. I still have nights i don't sleep and most nights its not good at all but i am getting better.


You will get better. You can't let it get you down like that though. It is so hard to get up and do anything but the longer you sit there and do nothing the more it hurts. I still have to make myself get out of bed and do stuff but i feel much better once i have.


I hope your pain goes away soon. I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you!!

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Thank you for your responses. It's an almost unbearable feeling @Dylan, I've heard the same about the middle eastern culture. I hate to generalize but I really do believe that his own personal "unconventional" views on male/female relationships have ultimately caused the downfall of our relationship.


Laylan and RecentlyAlone, thank you for your support. It's good to know that I am not alone. It most certainly feels like death. I feel like I am just on "survival' mode....I can't stop crying

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Laylan and RecentlyAlone, thank you for your support. It's good to know that I am not alone. It most certainly feels like death. I feel like I am just on "survival' mode....I can't stop crying


I feel like I can't really offer people much advice on ENA since this is my first break up and I'm still struggling...but it helps me to at least know I'm not alone and what I'm going through is normal. Feel free to message me anytime!

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This is something that needs to be brought up. You stated in a previous thread back in February, that you were contacting your ex at that time.


I'm sorry for your pain, but maybe this relationship was nearing its end anyway.


I know exactly what you mean. I stopped contact with my ex as very soon after that. I think that when you actually split up.....you tend to only look at the good things and despite all the crappy things in our relationship, there still were a lot of good things. I think I need to just pull myself together and realize that our relationship has been doomed since February when I became unhappy about the situation.

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It could just be the cultural differences getting in your way. But, if on top of that argument he said he loves you but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you...that sounds exactly like what my ex said to me when he broke up with me a couple weeks ago. Actually, I finally asked my ex if he was leaving me because, out of nowhere, he sent his son back to the mother and it was out of character for my ex to do that. He said he was moving out and he "had to do something, anyway," and then tried to turn it around on me when, after he didn't talk to me for two days and came back to announce to me that he was moving into his buddy's place again (where he'd been living before we got together officially), I assumed that that was his way of breaking up with me without having to say so. He insisted that he still loved me and I was the one who went "single" on Facebook and mentioned how much more comfortable we were around one another when we were just friends. Uh yeah, buddy, because for the first time in six months, you actually invited me to do something with you and then, holy crap, TALKED to me while I was there instead of ignoring me entirely.


Basically, if he says he loves you but doesn't want a relationship, it probably means that he's either not in love with you anymore (or maybe he never truly was to begin with) but he's not ready (or willing) to let you go completely out of his life. My friends as well as the people here at ena have shown me (through pointing out things to me about the relationship or discussing their own that were similar to mine) that he might not even still want me (or in this case, you) in his life anymore but that he just doesn't want to lose the control of you. That doesn't necessarily mean that he was controlling while you were in the relationship, but maybe he just isn't ready for you to be okay with him moving on; maybe he just doesn't want you to do the same. He might just not want you to heal because then you don't need him or want him anymore.


For the first week after the break up I had, I cried every day until I had no tears left. I laid in bed and only forced myself to get out to use the restroom or to force myself to eat something that didn't taste like anything to me and made my stomach upset because I had no appetite. I'm still working on healing and it's hard because I still live alone in the apartment we shared and some of his things (and all of his son's things) are still here. Every time I hear the guy accross the hall come home, his keys jingling, for a split second I think it might be my ex, because I'm so used to that sound being him coming home from work. But it is slowly getting easier. I don't get that fleeting feeling of hope anymore when I hear those keys jingling. I don't cry anymore when I hear songs that he liked (although I might still cry a little if I listened to the songs he used to play for me when we were new and tell me to "listen to the lyrics; I feel like this about you" or whatever he said at the time). I'm able to eat one meal a day and usually it doesn't make me sick. I moved from laying in bed staring at the wall for hours and hours and crying myself into the grand total of one hour of sleep I got each day to laying in the bed for a couple of minutes staring at the wall and reminding myself that it's over and I need to let it go. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, unless I'm thinking about his son. That's another hurdle that will take me a bit to get over, but it WILL get easier. Talk to your friends - I find that they are really good at reminding you of the not-so-good times you had in your relationship so that it's easier to remind yourself that maybe those good memories are nice to have but they weren't the whole relationship.


I'm sorry for your pain Hang in there, I promise your appetite will start to come back and you will be able to sleep better soon. It's still very fresh for you right now. Give yourself time and lean on anyone and everyone that you can to help you get through this. Best of luck!

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Mistojen, thank you so much for you reply and I'm sorry for your pain also I'm honestly not feeling better at all. I have been trying to keep myself busy over the weekend by hanging out with my friends. I vent to them to the point where I'm pretty sure they get sick of hearing about it and then as soon as I get home.....I break down.


I feel like my whole life is upside down. I am not handling this well at all. My work is suffering my adviser is starting to notice. My work is really important to me, and I'm letting it slip. I feel like I have a knot in my stomach 24/7. My appetite is up and down and I can't really sleep.


I caved and called him on saturday and he did not pick up.


Also, I found out some huge news. It turns out that as soon as things had gotten rocky with us, his family begun making "arrangements" for him with another woman from Iran. I'm told that he might actually get married within a month. This truly feels like death. This is the man I thought I might end up with....

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