Break Up

[jeffd]

My gf and I have been living togther 6 months. My name is on the lease and its my apartment. She doesn't handle alcohol well and gets angry when drinking. For my bday we mistakingly drank and she physically attacked becuase of jealousy. I had a goose egg on my head and we woke the whole apartment block. She's not from here and has no one so she had to find someone to live with. Cops told her to be out of my place by today. SHe's going to live w and ex friend of mine becuase he has a room avavilable. I let her stay at the apartment last night and stayed at my parents. She said she already misses me. I'm really starting to miss her ande the good times and feel like it will be hard in the apartment because it was ours we got togther. It'll feel like she's moved on and I'm in the smae place. I wish it could work but now my landlord wants her out and my family doesn't want me back with her. I also just turned 30

[endy]

Ok, well...

 

First things first, if she has a drinking issue she needs to get right with that first. Alcohol does cause anger issues. It causes even more anger issues, if we already have them. It's like a bomb inside of us. Until she changes that (and only she can change that) it's going to be an issue. The fact that you are 30 years old tells me something here. Why are you choosing someone on this level? Don't you want someone to get married to and have kids with some day? Is this person capable of that? It doesn't sound that way. Correct me if I'm wrong please.

 

It is hard, but when people behave this way, usually it is due to mental illness or other issues. Seriously look deeply at her. How was her parents relationship etc? There's a reason for this, but the reality of it is. We can't change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. Please honestly answer those questions. Then you tell me if that's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[guynextdoor]

You don't want someone that has a drinking/angry management problem back in your life unless she takes steps in improving herself. Too much risk for you to take, be lucky you still have a roof over your head after what she did.

[DN]

What is she missing - you as a friend and partner or having someone to beat up when she gets angry?

[annie24]

Domestic abuse doesn't just happen to little housewives. You are being battered. Thank goodness you called the police. Get her out of your life for good before she harms or kills you again. Love doesn't hurt you.

[hausser]

Dude, that is very very similar to my situation. My ex battered me, my sister and around half a dozen other people over the years when she was drunk. It wasnt until my sister damn near took her to court she seemed to calm down, so it is a choice they make.

[alli]

Breakups are tough, especially the first couple weeks after the breakup. Just remember that it didn't work out for a reason, and there's not evidence to indicate she will be changing her ways anytime soon. You can remember the good stuff in the relationship, just don't disregard all the bad stuff that came along with it.

[corgidude]

You don't want someone that has a drinking/angry management problem back in your life unless she takes steps in improving herself. Too much risk for you to take, be lucky you still have a roof over your head after what she did.

 

My previous ex was an alcoholic, and it was very much a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde type of scenario. When she was sober, she could still be a royal rhymes-with-witch (you're welcome, censors! but when she was drunk... hoo boy. We were long distance, and I was in town for a few days and staying at her place. We decided to go out downtown one night, and for most of the evening had a decent night. Toward the end of the night, she flipped out on me with no provocation, took off her shoes and threw them at me, then drove home drunk, leaving me stranded downtown. I had to call my friend to pick me up and take me to her place so I could get my car, and then had to deal with her trying to physically assault me. (and NOT in the good way!) Then, after crashing on the floor at my friend's house, I got a call from her asking me where I had gone and why I had left. -She was so drunk, she didn't remember ANY of it! To top it off, when I told her why I left (she was screaming at me to get out when I was trying to get my car and my things from her place, and punching me, etc. Shyeah, like I'm gonna stick around for THAT.) she got mad that I still left! Can we say 'crazy?'

 

We broke up for good a few months later, after she had the revelation that *gasp!* she was an alcoholic and went into Alcoholics Anonymous. -This did nothing to help her anger issues, and so I just had to deal with her verbal abuse every time we talked on the phone for whatever she decided to be angry at me for on any given day. I was a little sad the day we broke up, but man oh man, did I feel great about it not too long after! When you realize you're in a bad relationship, it's liberating to know that you finally have your life back.

 

Your landlord is right to not want her there- if she's disturbing the other tenants, he has to protect their rights of a comfortable place to live. Nobody is comfortable living where they can be woken up in the middle of the night when some woman has too much to drink and takes it out on her boyfriend. Your family is right to tell you not to get back together because she is NOT a healthy person to be with. Take it from me, I've been with someone who's very much like your ex. Hell, I practically had a 'Nam flashback just reading your post! I stretched it out 2 YEARS with her, and all I really accomplished was 2 years of the same maniacal rollercoaster ride over and over.

 

Trust me, you are better off without someone like that. I've been there and can vouch wholeheartedly that my life could have been a lot better during the time I was with my previous ex. Nobody needs to put up with that kind of behavior. What's even worse is that when she's sober and is acting normal, you still know you're sitting on a powder keg that could blow at any given time. All that does is just create more anxiety in you over what to expect next.

 

Cut her free from your life, it might hurt, but it's what's best for YOU. If you can't afford rent on your own, talk to your landlord about the situation and see if he'll work with you to sublet the apartment. If you have a spare bedroom, see if you can get a roommate to live in the other room and split living costs. But whatever you do, don't get back together. Trust me brother, no true happiness lies down the road with someone like that.

[jeffd]

Thank you. She has issues from child hood from before she went into foster care at 8 years old. Also her adopted parents pretty much dropped her at 18. I always feel like I could have done more to help.

[jeffd]

Thanks. I feel sorry for her and will miss the good times but you're right.

 

You don't want someone that has a drinking/angry management problem back in your life unless she takes steps in improving herself. Too much risk for you to take, be lucky you still have a roof over your head after what she did.

[jeffd]

When I said the break up will be tough, my Dad said "it'd be even tougher if she killed you"

 

Domestic abuse doesn't just happen to little housewives. You are being battered. Thank goodness you called the police. Get her out of your life for good before she harms or kills you again. Love doesn't hurt you.

[jeffd]

Thanks. I'd hate if she did anything to my family.

 

Dude, that is very very similar to my situation. My ex battered me, my sister and around half a dozen other people over the years when she was drunk. It wasnt until my sister damn near took her to court she seemed to calm down, so it is a choice they make.

[jeffd]

Thanks you're right. It seems she even talks like she wants to keep going with the drinking.

 

Breakups are tough, especially the first couple weeks after the breakup. Just remember that it didn't work out for a reason, and there's not evidence to indicate she will be changing her ways anytime soon. You can remember the good stuff in the relationship, just don't disregard all the bad stuff that came along with it.

[jeffd]

Thank you very much. Great advice. Glad to hear from someone hwo understands.

[endy]

Thank you. She has issues from child hood from before she went into foster care at 8 years old. Also her adopted parents pretty much dropped her at 18. I always feel like I could have done more to help.

 

This is screaming CODEPENDENCY read up on it and buy codependent no more. I'm codpendent. You can't care for other people before yourself. That's what you are doing. Do your relationships almost always follow the same pattern? People with depression, or child issues like the above? Their father left etc. Was there an alcoholic in your family?

 

Read up on it and make sure it's not an issue. Seriously, if it is it's going to haunt you the rest of your life.

[jeffd]

Usually they follow the same pattern but without physical violence.

 

This is screaming CODEPENDENCY read up on it and buy codependent no more. I'm codpendent. You can't care for other people before yourself. That's what you are doing. Do your relationships almost always follow the same pattern? People with depression, or child issues like the above? Their father left etc. Was there an alcoholic in your family?

 

Read up on it and make sure it's not an issue. Seriously, if it is it's going to haunt you the rest of your life.