Time - how long, this is getting ridiculous...

[dreamflyer]

And so it goes. How long does this moving on/getting over/learning to live without/forgetting thing last??!!

 

I was best friends with my ex before we dated for a few years, dated for a year, broke up on ok terms, she did certain things afterwards that made everything messy, dealt with that between us, THEN she got a new BF...not quite about 8 months later...That absoultly crushed me. Beyond all resonable comprehention.

I've tried NC, I've tried 1 night stands, I've toyed with getting into another relationship but decided it was not fair to them or me given where I was at, I've tried moving to another country already!!! I've tried emails, but that never seems to get anywhere..

I've been cold turkey NC for the past 2 1/2 months now...and thats not working overly well.

 

As far as I know, I've tried just about everything I can think of. Its now coming up 2 years in October since we broke up, and I still am having dreams about her. Sometimes about her and her BF!! You can imagine what that does to me for the day...

I'm missing her like absolute crazy. And in turn its driving me crazy. And now, I just dont know what to do..

 

If only she knew how much I loved her :sad:

Please, can somebody help...

[lucasky]

You need to ACTIVELY stop thinking about her. If she pops into your head, think "no" and force yourself to think about something else. You're not letting your mind let go of her if you're constantly thinking about her. You've gotta break the habit.

[corgidude]

It's not an easy thing, that's for certain. I've been broken up for nearly 2 1/2 months myself, and I'm still having bad days. -Hell, 2 days ago I was breaking down like the breakup had just happened the day before. To be honest, I have no idea why 2 days ago I was so absolutely miserable and today I don't feel nearly as bad. Nothing has really changed between now and then, so I can't quite figure why. *shrugs*

 

You've been broken up for over year and a half, but it sounds like you're very much still in the same place. I don't want to sound critical, but it sounds like you haven't made a very strong effort to really let go of her and live your life. 2 days ago, I'd have felt like a hippocrit for saying so, since I wasn't doing much better with my breakup at the time. But this far out of the relationship, you should be getting back to normal. You say you've been NC for only 2 1/2 months, and maybe that's the problem... all that time before where you weren't NC or broke NC, you were just allowing yourself to be exposed to the pain again before you could fully heal. I don't know how much contact you had, but as long as you were in touch with her, you weren't giving yourself a full chance to learn to live your life without her.

 

When it comes to getting over love and relationships, a lot of the time we are the architects of our own prisons. We decide how long we keep ourselves locked away by how long it takes us to let go of the past and the pain. What you need to do is to fully accept that your relationship is over, especially because it looks like she's already done so. It sounds like she's been with her new BF for close to a year, and given the timeframe before they got together, it's quite possible he's not a rebound but an actual relationship. That probably hurts to hear/think, but it's a reality that you need to accept, othewise you'll never get past this.

 

Let go of your past, and embrace your future. You said you're in a new country now? Start building your new life in this new place! Embrace the change, get excited to be someplace new. -If I could have moved to another country to start a new chapter of my life, I'd gladly have done so. Unfortunately, I have a somewhat limited job field, so it's easier said than done.

 

You've been holding on too tightly for too long. It's time to let go. I can promise you, regardless of how much I love my ex right now, 1 1/2 years for now I won't be pining away for her. Will I still love her? Of course. I still love the woman who was my first love, as well. But it's a different kind of love than what I felt/feel for my current ex, and even that will change in time. I'll still care for her, but hopefully, I'll have found someone who loves me and wants the same things as me.

 

The reason things will be different for me when I reach the same amount of time after my breakup as you've had after yours is that I've already made the conscious choice that I won't allow that to happen. I might be miserably sad at times now, and miss her so much it hurts, but I'm choosing not to let that alter my life. You need to make that choice for yourself now. Choose to fully let go, to accept that your relationship is over, and stop looking over your shoulder at what was, and start looking to what could be. You're the architect of your own prison, and until you choose to change these things, you're going to remain trapped there. It hurts, and it's scary to imagine life with them never coming back into it, but you can get through this. You're still plenty young, you've got plenty of time to meet the right person. Stop letting thoughts of her dominate your life, and take it back for yourself. You can do it!

[italiannmf24]

Okay dreamflyer, because your in such a rough patch I'd like to bistow some wisdom upon you.

 

First off, hello. My name is italiannmf24 and like you, I've been in a situation dealing with hurt, break-up and A LOT of pain. She was the light of my life, she led me down the right path all the time, she was beautiful, perfect and basically everything I could have ever wanted. She was all mine. I know, I know. It sounds like the typical love story that had a great and happy ending. Yet, considering life isn't a shadow of movies and love songs, it didn't end up like that. Oh no, it was completely different.

 

You see, she felt "differently" one day and had a change of heart...she no longer loved me like I did her. She wanted to try new things, open up different windows, blossom and become a new person. I wasn't involved in that future and she insisted that it wouldn't help that I be a part of her life anymore. So we eventually seperated, leaving me devasted for months on end just thinking of what went wrong, how I could've changed and why she no longer loved me. My situation is also similar to yours in the sense that she had another guy in her life only weeks after the split, it was awful.

 

You wouldn't imagine the pain, suffering, constant images, dreams, begging and pleading I did all just to have her back in my life. I literally couldn't find a shred of self-respect for myself after the break-up and it was just an unwanted time in my life.

 

But then...

 

One day I thought to myself, why not try on her shoes? See exactly what it looked like for the other side of things? Man did I look pathetic. I could barely recognize myself in this whole mess while she was having the time of her life. When all was over and I finally decided to let her go and start looking after myself, things changed.

 

I realized that in order to get to a stable place in my life, I need to start concentrating on me and my life. I needed to take ahold of the things that I COULD control (emotions, feelings, personality, appearance, etc.) and put them into position for a better me. I took a lot of time alone before even thinking of being with another woman. I needed to get MYSELF back in order to see the light at the end of the self-respect and self-happiness tunnel. I started working out, eating right, hanging out with friends and co-workers, talk and take advantage of family and basically learn to live without someone constantly by my side. I learned to live with the love and respect I had towards myself. Now, this is no easy process and everyone takes their own time when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

No amount of advice or personal experiences can change your perspective on your own situation. That's your job.

 

Take the time, do the work and create your life. Get some grip and become that person you've wanted to be WITHOUT your ex!

[Danny77]

F**K dude!

That is harsh.

I feel for you.

 

Here's my take on it.

You did alot of damage post breakup with not going FULL NC till 2 1/2 months ago.

This is your problem.

 

You were wounded (breakup) You picked and picked at it (messy stuff) then you stuck around and stared at it (was there when the new guy came in to the pic)

Only now have you decided to put a bandage on it 2 1/2 months ago and are expecting it to have healed.

 

Your wound has been scratched and picked at for so long now that it is worse than when it was fresh.

IF and I'm sorry to say the big IF here, but IF you had have made a clean break and took time to heal without being in her life then by now you would be in a position to possibly be friends with her.

But you didn't so I guess thats neither here nor there and am sorry to have said that but I think its important to tell you that "thats what you could've won!!!" so that you will now have the mindset of what you want.

Your healing started 2 1/2 months ago.

So in fact its not been two years at all.

You were still in a relationship for 1 year and 6 months after the breakup, not the relationship you wanted but a relationship with her nonetheless.

A relationship where as you still wanted her and she was moving on. This is still a relationship - with onesided love - no intimacy - and no obligations to not hurt you.

 

Do you wanna feel better - YES

Do you wanna be friends oneday - YES

 

Then, do what you have to do.

Carry on with the NC and dont just sit about thinking of her, DO STUFF!

Yes, youve tried dating and ONStands but it was too early then considering your heart was always with her for the last year and a half.

Give it anoher month or so and see how different youll feel.

 

Doing the maths on your breakup/breakdown you and I are on about 2 months too.

Mine started two weeks after breakup.

She was my fiancee and I'll never find another like her. I am too a broken man.

BUT..... I am better than I was one month ago.

And I'll (scratch that) WE'LL be better in a month from now.

 

PM me anytime for a barrarge of inspirational words and support from a guy that likes to heal with others as it forms a WOLFPACK of strength.

 

ps. If my ex could see how I feel about her in my day to day life she'd come running back to hug me!

Just like you hug someone when theyre hurt. but then when they stand up you leave them thinking "jeez that guys got it bad" I could never be with anyone that damaged.

She won't see the love and fall head over heels for it.

 

That's just the way we are as a people.

We love eachother for eachother - not for eachothers love.

If that was the case then we'd get whoever we wanted.

[replytome]

First of all, I second this. I did the same thing, and at 1.5 months of NC I feel better than I have ever felt, even before the ex came into the picture. Additionally, I had to MAKE myself not think of her or the new guy/ guy she left me for. And in the end, confidence was key. To keep the mindset that they're not worth my thoughts, I am so much better than them. In every way, literally.

 

Second of all, very well written italian...and wise words too, some dwell, others take control. And believe me peeps, those that take control grow to become extremely strong and attractive (mentally) with a lot more confidence and self esteem. I've literally never been this happy and felt this good about myself, I'm still bitter but I really really love myself for the first time in my life. Let's just hope my ego doesn't get out of control...

[iwannarun]

Honestly...it will take awhile. And it sucks, it really does. But little by little you stop thinking about them as much. And sooner or later, they'll only come to mind once in awhile!