What do you do if you think your SO is cheating?

[Madamdiva007]

Ok, so I'm starting to really feel like there is something going on with my bf. I don't think he's physically cheating on me, but I think he's talking to someone behind my back. I will not snoop. I think it's wrong to go through someone's personal things like that, and I won't do that to him. Is there any other way to find out if he's up to anything? I know I should just let it go, and wait and see what happens because cheating always becomes know one way or another, but its driving me crazy. I also feel like if I find out now and he is, we can maybe talk about things and try to work through whatever it is that's bothering him before it gets too late and gets out of hand.

[reidqa]

Diva,

 

Simply ask him and look into his eyes.

 

They will tell you it never fails.

[GrowingIn]

Ok this is how I justified it before. Did you ever catch him lying to you before? Did he give you reasons not trust him? Can he look you in the eye and lie to you? If not, you don't have the right to go snooping and need to take his word for it.

 

If on the other hand, you have caught him in a lie and you have probable cause to expect he's doing it again, and you believe he is lying, you DO have the right to find out. I will NOT stay there and do nothing if:

 

1) I have already had my trust broken once.

2) They have lied to my face before and have not regained my trust.

3) I have every reason to expect you are doing it and my gut is there with me.

 

I will find out, and I will take up the responsibility for me snooping around and catching you because it will be over anyway if that's the case. So I could care less that I broke your boundaries at this point. But you need to be close to 100% sure.

[Deejmonster]

Just be frank with him and say that you are suspicious of his behavior and ask if he is seeing someone else.

[rocio]

Stop sleeping with him immediately if you have good reason to suspect he's cheating. The first step is to protect yourself.

[Madamdiva007]

Well, that's the thing. I have never caught him in a lie before and really have no reason not to trust him. But last night, I was sitting on his couch and his phone was right in front of me. It went off, and it was an incoming text. I looked down on it, and it was just a number, not someone saved in his phone as a contact. The text said something along the lines of, Nah, just chilling being bored... I couldn't read the rest of it. So we left the house, went on a long bike ride. When we got back to the truck he turned his phone on. Then I saw it said he got a text from another number not saved in his phone (not sure if it was the same one)..I told him he got a text from a strange number, he picked up his phone and said I don't know who this is, everyone I talk to is saved in my phone. I asked him what the text said, he said something about I'm meeting my friends for drinks. He said he had the same number text him and call him when he first got the phone. Some girl looking for some guy. I didn't bring up the text I saw earlier, didn't want to jump the gun on that one, but it all just seems strange to me.

 

Today he got mad at me cause I was asking too many weird questions. He said I just dig and dig and dig and he's tired of it. I was just asking him what he was doing for lunch and why he wasn't following the normal routine that he does. But it seemed like it came out of nowhere.

 

I just know that sometimes when people are cheating they get snappy and start bringing up every little thing you do that bothers them. But I could be reading way too much into this. I tend to do that. But I don't know, does any of this sound suspicious to you?

[Madamdiva007]

I really don't think he's physically cheating on me. I think it could be an emotional thing.

[rocio]

I wouldn't start drilling him and acting like you're suspicious. Keep your suspicions to yourself and keep an eye out. The closer he thinks you're watching him, the more he will try to hide his behavior. Plus, if he's not up to anything naughty (what happened last night could have a multitude of innocent explanations), then you don't want to ruin the relationship by acting insecure.

[tattoobunnie]

I guess you don't trust him...has he ever done anything shady in the past or with other women in the past?

 

For two months, this one girl named Hannah kept texting me about meeting up, and asking what I was up to? I'd ignore them, and then finally, I texted her back that she had the wrong number...cuz she did. I had no idea who she was. Then a month ago, this one woman called me at some god awful hour, which I slept through. She then called me again the following morning, which I told her was the wrong number as she was expecting a man to answer. There could very well be a guy out there just giving out the same phoney number. I had a friend who use to give girls he met at a bar the number to his neighbor's house just to avoid giving them his real number...bad, yes...but it happens.

 

If your guy gets really protective over his computer screen, emails, or brings his phone everywhere like the bathroom, or he stops talking about a future with you, then be on the look-out. But if they are texts that he himself are confused about getting, then I'd give him the benefit of a doubt.

 

I mean if my guy was up my grill over and over again over something I clearly didn't do...I'd be looking at him with 5 heads and very bummed he didn't trust me.

[tattoobunnie]

Also, did you find out recently of a friend who cheated on somebody? Sometimes that gets people's guards up. Or do you continuously mistrust him? Has someone cheated on you in the past?

[BellaDonna]

Before you say or do anything regarding what you are suspecting I would advise that you think long and heard about WHERE these suspicons are coming from.

 

Are they coming from insecurity? Or has he really done things that are weird that raised your concern.

 

I think tattoobunnie is dead-on with some of the signs:

 

If your guy gets really protective over his computer screen, emails, or brings his phone everywhere like the bathroom,

 

If I ever suspected cheating and was 100% sure it was not in my head but the result of real life situations I would snoop in a heartbeat for confirmation, even though it is not considered the best approach. Still I wouldn't care. I'd rather be condemned as a "snooper" than be anyone's fool or make myself vulnerable to contracting an STD. If you don't look out for yourself no one else will. If you think he is being weird just keep an eye out but don't let on too much. As rocio mentioned, if you let on you are suspicious, and he really IS doing something, he will only try harder to hide it better.

 

Most real cheaters usually can themselves sooner or later because they think they are invincible and smarter than you are. You have to be the smarter one and let them think the lion is sleeping, making it ok for them to play in the jungle safely. Stay calm and just patiently watch the prey. lol

 

Don't snoop unless the prospect of cheating is very real.

[Marah]

I would just let it go, honestly. The suspicions turn into paranoia...I've made the decision to wait for evidence to find me instead of trying to search it out. Doesn't seem like you have much evidence knocking on your door. Try to put the fears aside until the knock is louder.

[Glowguy]

I don't really think there's enough here to be seriously concerned about and you might be jumping to conclusions. I think it's good that you don't want to cross any lines and resort to snooping. Why didn't you just ask him who he was talking to the first time you saw the number? If his behavior starts to change drastically and he gets ultra-defensive then you probably have something to worry about.

[capilot]

Phone numbers are recycled after about six months. That is, if you give up your cell phone, change your number, or whatever, then six months from now someone new will have that number.

 

I get a phone call every few weeks intended for whoever previously had my number. I think it's entirely likely that this is happening to your boyfriend, and he's telling the truth about not knowing where the messages are coming from.

[tresqua]

Diva,

 

Simply ask him and look into his eyes.

 

They will tell you it never fails.

 

Wow who knew?

 

We don't need no spy cameras or private investigators or keyloggers or GPS tracking devices or polygraph tests!

 

Just look in their eyes, and you will know...

[Madamdiva007]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate them. Sorry its taken me a few days to respond.

 

Just to answer a few questions, I did not ask him who he was talking to the first time I saw an unsaved number because I didn't want to pry and figured it wasn't my business and wasn't a big deal. When I saw an unsaved number the second time, i started thinking that maybe he is talking to someone he doesn't want me to know about because it seemed like a real conversation was going on there, from what I saw.

 

Yes, I am very, very extremely insecure. It's something I'm working on, I'm seeing a therapist for it. I hate it, and I'm trying to get a handle on it. But I feel like its blurring my reality in a way. I feel like my radar is up. And I can't tell if my gut is telling me something, or this is all my insecurities speaking to me. I wish I could use that whole trust your gut thing.... but I just can't trust how my gut is because of how I naturally am, if that makes sense, haha.

 

He doesn't seem to be hiding anything too much. He's left his phone out in front of me several times while he walks his dog and stuff. He also gets on Facebook in front of me, but doesn't check his private messages in front of me. He does take his phone to the bathroom with him but he's always done that. Sometimes he will tell me who he's texting, other times he doesn't.

 

The day after I saw the strange text messages, we got into a fight because I was asking him too many weird questions (about what he was doing for lunch) and after that he has made a point to let me know when to just let something go without all the questioning. I didn't realize how much I was questioning him about every little thing, but now I see it, and I understand why it would bother him. For instance, he was telling me something his friend said, and I started asking him oh, were you texting him? And he said, just leave it alone. So I dropped it.

 

I just don't feel right about those messages I saw, and I feel like if he has nothing to hide, why would he lie to me about it. But, I have been wondering if he doesn't want me to know he's talking to one of his girlfriends because he doesn't want me to be questioning him about it all the time asking him what they're talking about, etc. He also knows I have trust issues, and he might be afraid to tell me he's talking to a girl because it will make me think he's cheating or something.

 

I do feel like he has the right to his own privacy. He has a lot if friends and can talk to whoever he wants about whatever he wants. I just have to trust that he has boundaries and will use them if he feels something is getting inappropriate. But it's so hard to just assume he's doing the right thing.

[Stay_home]

If I have to think that you're cheating then you probably are.

[Madamdiva007]

And that is what really worries me... is this gut intuition or severe insecurity?

[possibilty]

Dig you'll find something. Instinct is usually bang on sadly.

[Madamdiva007]

Even if you're an overly insecure person?

[f1r3f1y3]

Diva,

 

Simply ask him and look into his eyes.

 

They will tell you it never fails.

 

This isn't true.

[f1r3f1y3]

Gut feeling does often lead to something.

 

The proper way to deal with this is to keep quiet about it, and keep a look out. Every time you see suspicious behavior, you have a little more reason to dig deeper.

 

The more you ask him about who he's texting etc, the more insecure you will seem, which is a turn off for most guys and will push him away.

 

Like you said, everyone has a right to their own privacy. Make sure you can justify your actions.

[BellaDonna]

The comment made about knowing if someone is lying by looking into their eyes is not completely unfounded. It's believed to be the reason why some celebrities wear sunglasses during interviews, as well as poker players. Governments and law enforcement use specialists to analyze suspects in interrogation footage, for signs of deception through analyzing body language and eye contact.

 

Some people are very obvious liars and can't hold eye contact when lying. There is even some scientific evidence that suggests people's pupils dilate when they are lying. My husband actually has the kind of eyes that speak volumes. He also unknowingly smirks when he lies and can't make eye contact.

 

If you know someone really,really well and you are perceptive you can pick up on certain cues they give even when they don't say a word. So while eyes probably shouldn't be counted on as a sole indicator, they can be very telling.

[Oneironaut]

Heh...my ex-husband couldn't lie to save his life. It was written all over his face when he was lying...however, I'm just the opposite. It's not something I'm particularly PROUD of, but, I can look someone right in the eye and lie to them, if I feel it is necessary for whatever reason.

 

So while it can be helpful to ask someone point-blank while looking them in the eye, it's about as reliable as a pregnancy test from a dollar store.

[Madamdiva007]

I'm not just gonna ask him point blank if he's cheating on me. He already knows I have trust issues and I've brought things up before. I think he'd totally be offended if I just straight up asked him that, and I think it could lead to the demise of the relationship, especially if there is nothing going on.