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A conscious choice to rebound?


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So the details are in other posts, but to sum up: My ex dumped me in January after a little over a year together, and we seemed to be rekindling from early April through last weekend, when he told me that we could only ever be friends. I'm still pretty devastated about it, as he was my first.


However, while we were apart, I made what I consider to be a mistake in hooking up with a friend of a friend in late March. Initially, I thought it equated to "moving on" -- I hadn't been with anyone besides my ex. My friends thought it was great and would help. Then, literally two days later, my ex got back in contact and I suddenly felt crippled with guilt. Horrible about myself... very troubled conscience... it almost felt like I'd cheated, even though he'd broken up with me and not spoken to me in months. During our brief rekindling period, I confessed it to my ex. He seemed to understand where I'd been coming from at the time, though during our final relationship conversation last weekend, he brought it up and said, "you moved on, obviously..." I told him that no, that was me TRYING and FAILING to move on. I told him it was a mistake. But we're done now.


Anyway, now the original rebound is back, after never having heard from him since (What timing?! Is my life a cosmic joke?!). I hung out with him for the first time last night with some friends, and he wants to go out again tonight. He's been texting me all morning. Obviously, I can see where it's going and know what he wants. Logically, I know I'm not interested in pursuing him seriously. Logically, I know I made a mistake in what I did last time. Logically, I know that were my ex and I ever to reconcile again (doubtful) I'd be mortified to confess to moving on to someone else so quickly. But emotionally... I can't tell if this -- the same rebound -- would make me feel better or worse? I would never want to use someone, and I've made it very clear to him that I am literally DAYS out of what I thought was going to turn back into a relationship. My friends are pushing it BIG TIME... they seem to think it will help. I'm torn. The attention is flattering... it combats my ongoing feelings of rejection. But I don't know if it would be smart to go forward. It seems like maybe I haven't learned anything from that past mistake. Even considering it makes me feel like an idiot... I guess I'd like to think maybe I'm blinded by the hurt of what feels like a second breakup.


As for my ex, we are now on LC. He was in contact briefly via text last night after 4 days. I was invited by his friend to a gathering next Friday... may see him then, may not go at all. He wants to be friends. I want to be friends, but told him it might hurt too much. He understood. I feel like as much as I wish he'd change his mind and want to get back together, he won't. I know this now. He had every opportunity last weekend to indicate an openness to reconciliation and he made it very clear that he's not interested. So why am I still holding myself back? Why am I still taking his feelings into consideration? Why am I envisioning some second reconciliation scenario where I'd have to confess to a rebound that so very likely will never play out? He doesn't want me any more. Would this make it easier to be friends? Harder?


What are dumpees experiences with rebounds? Helpful? Harmful? I feel like I'm having a very difficult time verbalizing my mindset here, so I hope some of this has made sense... I'll be interested to hear any and all feedback. I do consider myself to be a smart person, so I'm embarrassed to have to confess to what seem to be such silly, irrational notions... yikes.

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The idea of getting under someone to get over someone is one of the worst ideas out there. You are basically using a fling as a bandaid to avoid dealing with the emotional baggage from your breakup. Plus, 99% of the time, once you start having sex with someone emotions and feelings come into play and someone ends up getting hurt.


The healthiest thing to do is take the time to heal before moving on to another relationship. Those people that can be happy on their own are usually able to forge healthier relationships. Don't use a relationship as an emotional bandage. It will backfire in the long run.

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