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Marriage second thoughts...am I crazy?


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I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years and engaged for 6 months. I love him dearly but I'm starting to have second thoughts about marrying him. On one hand, he is the most gentle, kind, loving man I've ever been with. On the other hand, we have some conflicting personality traits. Here is the major issue:

 

I feel that you can accomplish anything in life while he struggles with overcoming his insecurities. I've have accomplished most of my life goals (top university, top grad program, great job, financially secure, live life to the fullest, etc). In addition, I feel like I'm the one who is trying in this relationship. I've moved for him and now commuting 2 hours to work and I'm the only one saving up for the wedding! (BTW he is the one that wants a big wedding) I feel like I've made choices (sacrafices) to ensure our future but he doesn't try very hard, even if I ask (he so afraid of failure he just doesn't try).

 

I feel frustrated because I feel like I'm the driver in this relationship while he is sleeping in the back seat! I'm slightly resentful and don't feel like we are a team.

 

I tell myself that nobody is perfect. This is his worst fault, other than that he is great...However, I fear that this fault is a big one. Or maybe I'm just full of myself... I don't know...I've always been extremely independent so maybe this is just me adjusting to coupledom...any advice would be appreciated.

 

FYI, as a background, I'm 30 and he's 36.

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I think it's important to be aware that who he is today, is who he will always be.

 

Well, saying something like this is a complete bollocks. But I guess it's true here.

 

Anyway, if you're having second thoughts = don't do it. Period.

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you're not crazy.

 

you're completely insane!!! okay...just kidding. have you talked yet? i dunno...maybe you're hoping things will just kind of work themselves out. i think we all hope for that. it's just easier. can you imagine a world where you never had to inform anyone that they weren't living up to your expectations? that'd be awesome! you'd never have to face that feeling of disappointment from your partner! you know...when i read your post...the first thing that came to mind was this: what a great opportunity. here's your chance to have a pre-marital conflict resolution test run. sure...you could shrug this off as a massive case of conflicting lifestyles. but there's no way to know what the real story is unless you find some understanding amongst yourselves.

 

i dunno. red flags are pretty personal. you'll always have differences in relationships...differences that will at times feel insurmountable. but maybe that's the point of relationships. learn to see things from a different perspective. i'm a bit of a nutter...but i'm convinced that that's a big part of the reason relationships feel so good. because it stops being ''all about me'' and becomes ''mostly-all-about-me-but-with-a-bit-of-this-other-person-too''. i'm not saying it's all about you...only that most relationships follow that kind of basic formula. things are great until our expectations aren't met...and then we settle back into our focus on me and what i'm getting or not getting.

 

but please don't misunderstand. i'm not advocating that you compromise yourself here. just...maybe there's a different way to look at things than what's already been suggested. you know?

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If you are having second thoughts, that indicates that things are not 100% right. It seems you have plenty doubt and when that happens you have plenty opportunity to call it off. There's no point in getting married, only to be divorced a short time later. So many people make this mistake, ignoring all the many red flags they had before they got married. It makes no sense at all. And then they wonder why they are so unhappy. You have time to either call it off, or break up.

 

No, you are not crazy. When in doubt, don't.

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If you have not had open discussions about this with your fiancee, please do so before you make the commitment. Your second thoughts may just be the fear of coupledom, but it could be more. It is too easy to get so caught up in the wedding plans that you cruise through the ceremony and the honeymoon and the newlywed stuff and find yourself revisiting these thoughts after you've already made the vow. If you don't talk about it now, you'll doubt yourself later, then resent him. Believe me, I live this every day. Things get a whole lot more complicated once children arrive and your coupledom is settled.

 

YOu are not unreasonable to think this way. People CAN change, but you should see if that is possible before the wedding. If you marry him, you are telling him that you accept him for the person he is right now. It sounds to me that you don't. If you decide to start a family, maybe he'll step up, but maybe he'll follow the trend you are seeing now.

 

Talk to him. It won't be easy, but it will be a LOT harder later. If you have real doubts, don't do it.

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Thanks for all your advice. It's difficult for me to talk to my friends about this situation since they are good friends with him as well.

 

I met my fiance at the peak of the "great recession" and he really affected by it financially. I do know he has insecurities prior to the recession but it has been exasperated by the fact that his income shrunk by a significant amount to a point where he is living paycheck to paycheck. Now he doesn't feel as confident since a lot of his pride is tied to financial stability. Although we've only dated a few years, I feel that we've gone through a lot of the tough times that marriages go through (long-distance, financial struggles, etc), although I'm sure it gets more difficult with children in the picture.

 

He's not a dead-beat, does have a stable job (one that he doesn't love but at least it pays the bills). He is completely faithful, makes me laugh, and really accepts me for who I am. I know he loves me and I love him. Those things have to count for something, right?

 

I think what I do want to do is go to pre-maritial counseling in addition to having a much more serious talk about these differences. Although the counselor will probably tell me that I have to love him good and bad, or leave. We'll see.

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2 years is nothing, marriage doesn't fix problems, it tends to make them worse, especially when you throw in finances, shared chores, raising children, the effects of aging over time, personality differences become magnified, people tend to do their own things.. most marriages fail, even those that start out wonderfully, and you're not even close to that.

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I feel frustrated because I feel like I'm the driver in this relationship while he is sleeping in the back seat! I'm slightly resentful and don't feel like we are a team.

Run. Unless he starts contributing NOW, this problem will carry into your marriage.

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