In love with straight coworker...

[soveryalone]

I posted this on a forum somewhere else, but I think they're getting sick of my stupidity.

 

I just joined here today and I desperately need advice. This is absolutely killing me. I am a 27 year old woman and I identify as pansexual. I tend to form stronger attachments to women, though.

 

Basically, I have had feelings for my straight coworker for going on two years. She has made it plain that she's straight, but all the while I haven't been able to shake the feeling that this might not be the case. She was acting hostile and mean to me when I talked to her so back in December I just stopped talking to her, and she stopped talking to me. Before that I thought we could be friends and I was even thinking of asking her to spend time with me away from work, as terrible an idea as it was.

 

She didn't always act mean to me, sometimes we got along perfectly, other times she would just be mean for no reason. She was really uptight about certain things, so when I said the wrong thing she'd freak out.

 

I've been acting like an immature child the five months we haven't been speaking, but if she hadn't been mean, this wouldn't have happened.

 

Now I'm in a panic because I am leaving this job soon...and I don't want things between us to end badly. As stupid as it sounds, I do want to see her after I leave the job. I realize that it's not likely, since we've never seen each other outside work. In all likelihood I will never see her again after quitting.

 

Is there ANY way to talk her again after five months of not talking? Is there anything I can do, say, that wouldn't seem awkward after we haven't talked in so long? I just don't want things to end badly. I can't bear the thought that she won't miss me when I'm gone...I thought we were almost friends. The truth is that I'm in love with her, and I hate feeling like this. I hate that while I'm in love with her, she doesn't even like me as a friend.

 

I guess I'm asking...is there anything I can say to her that won't seem fake or stupid? I want to apologize but it's hard in the middle of a public place, our workplace, the only place I see her. I sent her a message on facebook but she hasn't responded.

 

Before I leave I would like to give her my phone number, email address, something...I don't want her to hate me. This is just so hard and I feel like I've just ****ed up and ruined everything. I know this is ridiculous and stupid. She's straight. Did I think we were going to be together? Ugh, I'm such an idiot. I just want us to be friends, at least, not nothing. I hate the job, but I still want to see her and it will absolutely shatter my heart if I never see her again after I quit that ****ty job.

 

For anyone who bothers to read this, I'm sorry for being such a basket case. I'm a mess and I don't know how I'm going to cope with leaving and never seeing her again after I've loved her for so long...

 

I hope it's not weird that I'm just showing up suddenly and posting this when nobody here knows me.

[mouseno4]

If it meant that much to me (i am straight) i would at least make the effort to contact them and let them know i really want to be friends with them and there is no hidden agenda to turn them or anything - no strings attached, just friends. I enjoy their company and want to continue to enjoy their company in the future as just friends.

 

Best you could do would be to ask. If you get rejected again, then there is just no point trying again.

 

Just, whatever you do or say, dont make the attempt to turn someone. Worst thing you could do. I have a buddy of mine who is gay. If he ever tried to turn me i would be totally gutted that someone i called a friend would try to turn me into something i am clearly not.

 

You cant make someone into what you want them to be, for love or anything.

[soveryalone]

This may sound bad but I think with guys it's kind of different. Most non-heterosexual men have been conditioned by society to not even think about going there. My friend has said she's straight many times (randomly, by the way, I never hit on her or anything). And I am not trying to turn her, nor could I. I found her okcupid page and she actually said that she would "never" do anything with another girl. As you can imagine, I was completely devastated when I found that...but I can't and am not trying to make her be anything. Would I like it if she made me an exception? Yes. Is that likely? No.

 

I am struggling with my feelings for her...but it will be the hardest to not have her in my life at all.

 

I do still want to be friends with her. I would be sad to not have her in my life...

[d24]

Sorry to be harsh, but I really think you need to hear this.

 

she really isn't in your life at the moment.

 

You've built a fantasy around wanting her, and have admitted you've not really talked for months. You've never been out with her socially or outside of work, and chances are that, as she was being hostile then communication came to a halt, she has no interest in anything in thinking of you as anything beyond being 'that girl from work'

 

All that being said, there's nothing worse than leaving your feelings in limbo. I would suggest that, on leaving, give her your number or email or something in case she ever "wants to hang out or catch up" but I'd just leave it at that.

 

Best of luck x

[mouseno4]

As i already said, offer her the 'olive branch'. If she accepts it great, otherwise best leave her alone.

[soveryalone]

You know, you're both right. I shouldn't even bother. She's not in my life, she doesn't even want to be friends, we stopped talking because of HER being mean, and I've never seen her away from work. It's true, I'm just some girl from work, and that's all I'll ever be. At the end of July, I won't even be her coworker. I'll just disappear into the void, into the mass of people she doesn't give a * * * * about. Oh well. She won't even miss me when I'm gone.

 

I guess I just have to deal with the heartbreak however I can. Giving her my number would have just been a waste of time. She doesn't want to see me anyway, she would have just rejected me, which would have made my broken heart worse. At least I can just have a broken heart without drama.

 

I wish I could fall in love without it always hurting in the end.

[DailyDreamer]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, soveralone. I can definitely sympathize because I hate ending things on a bad note, leaving behind a possible friend after unresolved confrontation. I'm someone who will always try and find a way to fix something, even if I end up apologizing for something the other person may have done. Needless to say, I'm usually the peacemaker no matter what. I hate grudges and especially missed opportunities.

 

As I was reading your post, I kept thinking that you should approach her at work. Like a brief encounter to hand her a written note, asking in a subtle way to maybe grab a bite to eat or get coffee. Just something that seems like a simple encounter. Not one to declare your love, but to maybe spark a friendship again and put the fight behind you both. However, in hearing you sent a message on Facebook, I think it would be overkill to do a note on top of that. If she hasn't responded to the message, there's a good chance she will remain stubborn and doesn't wish to have contact with you any longer.

 

I'm sorry this all has happened, when you have strong feelings for her and she won't so much as talk to you, to clear the air. At least you are getting yourself out of that environment so you aren't wishing and hoping for things to happen that are outside your control. Unfortunately, the best thing to do is to let go. Easier said than done for some of us, but that is probably best.

 

I wish you well and I hope you manage to find someone soon enough.

[angelito18]

Honestly you're an adult you should be able to approach her in a friendly manner suggesting a peace offering and friendship at least. However you do need to realize that if she's straight she's straight so anything more than friendship may not be possible. Your motive should be strictly platonic.

 

And as a side note love is a very strong word that shouldnt be taken lightly, the more appropriate term would be fond rather than in love. Then again who am I to tell you how you feel.

 

Best if luck for whatever you decide!

[abitbroken]

I would tread carefully. You aren't wanting to mend things to not leave on a bad note so much as you want to keep in touch to continue the crush. You just can't come to terms with her being straight. You think that for some reason she is lying to you. Well - if the tables were turned and someone told you that they didn't believe in you being "pansexual" and that it was a crock = how would you feel? Anyway, I wouldn't try to give her your contact info unless she asks for it. What happened that made you stop talking? Anyway, I think I would only make small talk at work or merely just remember to say "hi" or "please and thank you" when she comes to give you something work related. You want to leave with no hard feelings - a friendship is too ambitious. I don't think that if this is not a friendship that you should aggressively pursue it becaues in your mind you are not willing to accept her at face value - it is for the benefit of your fantasy.