curious

[huntereyes]

Like all the rest of the women in this forum I am going through a very confusing stage. I was with my ex for 2 years and he left me for another girl. I realized way before we were done that it was finished so it became a little easier to get over the ordeal, in fact I even saw him before he moved and felt nothing. I started dating someone 3 months after my ex. It was weird because I wasn't looking to be with someone at all, and we had met through a friend at a show and completely connected. We talked on facebook until later hours of the morning and then decided we would hang out alone. We did and we were on the same page about everything. When I say the same page about everything...I mean everything. Then we began getting close as more than just friends and doing things that couples do without the commitment. He was single for 1 and 1/2 years before he met me and didn't want anything with anyone before he met me. Well it took us a month of seeing each other before we started dating, he insisted at the beginning that he was afraid of being a rebound and then fully came clean that he was mostly afraid of losing his free time with his friends. After realizing that my reassurance that that wasn't going to happen wasn't helping any, I confronted him and asked if this was just fun for him and if he didn't want something serious and explained if that were the case I would really like to know. 2 weeks later we were dating. Now in my previous relationship all we did was get intense right away and I was repulsed by that and didn't want that because with that came empty promises. With this new boy we took everything slow and did things that were fun rather than planning a future together so early on. We never fought and we had the most fun together. It was a simple relationship and we both loved it. Then comes the problem. This boy is in a band. I always allowed him to have his time for his friends and his band and never tried to pressure him into only spending time with me. I made that very clear and stuck with it for I was always busy as well. We saw each other 4 times a week, and at the beginning he introduced me to everyone and was very stoked on me and our relationship. Holding my hand in public and showing affection in public as well. We actually got along great and there was nothing that was negative about our relationship.

 

One weekend after my birthday, in which he got me this beautiful necklace, he goes away to the city 2 hours away from us. He texts me the whole time he's there and updates me on what is going on. Although he isn't saying "I miss you so much", the fact that we were talking through out the time he was gone was ideal. He left on the friday and on that saturday my phone began to not work so I didn't get a lot of his texts, and when I did finally get it to work I had 5 or 6 texts asking if I was upset and if I even still liked him. At the same time I was making the mistake of becoming friends with this guy that was my friend but also my rebound after my ex who sent me roses to my house on my birthday. My boy knew about these roses. When he got back I was going to tell him so as soon as we were in the car I began to try to tell him, but I became nervous and he became suspicious. After all of this talking I figured he was okay with the idea (I am stupid I know) and then he started acting a bit off. Later on he told me that he was under the impression because I was so nervous that I had cheated on him (he had been cheated on in his past relationship). We discussed this and I figured we had come to a proper conclusion.

 

A week and a half after that he goes away to this musical festival for 6 days. On the last day before he leaves he texts me "miss you miss you now I gotta kiss you. I'll text you when I can okay baby?". So he leaves...2 days pass and no text. And I'm alright with that, I figured he was busy. Then the rest of the time he's away passes and I start getting upset. He comes back and I confront him about it very calmly. He explains these three reasons, there was in reception, his phone didnt stay charged for 6 days and he was with his friends and didn't want to be texting the whole time. I ask him if this is what he thinks him going on tour is going to be like then we should break up now because that wasn't fair to us and we wouldn't last as a relationship without contact. He said he didn't want to break up but asked exactly how much texting was required. I said, just updates on whats going on so I know you're okay. He agreed. We cuddled that night in bed and slept together and everything was great. He even gave me a cute back massage. The next day he was stressed out about everything that needed to be completed (or so I thought) and was distant. The he left to go on tour. First two days he didn't text me, the next day he did, just to update me. As well as the day after that. The next day I sent him a text saying "dear boyfriend of mine, do you like me still? " (we used to always ask each other this.) And he replied with a text saying "hey can I talk to you for a minute?" So he called and the conversation went like this

 

"I know I shouldn't be doing this over the phone but I just don't have any other means to do so right now.."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"yes...I'm sorry, I was thinking a lot when we were driving last night and I don't feel like my heart is as into as before"

"So do you just not like me anymore?"

"It's not black and white like that"

"Will you just give me the honest truth I don't want to hear this sugar coded crap"

"I just felt like when I was away like "I should be texting her, but I don't feel like I want to..."

"was It bad before you left?"

"it was better"

"...okay.... I just dont understand"

"I'm really bad at explaining these things and I'll explain more when I get back. "

"you know I'm not going to wait in this grey area until you get back"

"I know, the break up is definite."

"ok have fun on tour"

"thanks"

 

So I remained calm throughout the call and I didn't beg or plead and I let it be. I didn't text him or contact him since then (this was 3 days ago). He doesnt get back for another 2 weeks and 1/2. So I don't really understand what happened. Although we were only dating for 4 months, what makes it harder is that nothing was going wrong. With my ex before him things were definitely going down the drain and we both knew it. With this boy things were amazing before he left to go to the music festival. Can someone explain to me what it is exactly that is going on. He was very set on his single life before he met me and found he was ready to be with someone and now he's back to single. Like he hadn't dated someone for so long and confirmed and reinforced that this was what he wanted after countless times of me asking if he was sure about this.

 

Please help. I know 4 months isn't long but I honestly felt we had a connection that was beyond the connection me and my ex had. I don't really understand where this came from.

 

Please help, although I know I'll get a explanation soon, I just want to know if there is even a chance things can be fixed? If they were even broken to begin with. And what is it exactly that happened to change his mind? As well as is it a lost cause to even think we can get back together

[DN]

 

At the same time I was making the mistake of becoming friends with this guy

that was my friend but also my rebound after my ex who sent me roses to my house

on my birthday. My boy knew about these roses. When he got back I was going to

tell him so as soon as we were in the car I began to try to tell him, but I

became nervous and he became suspicious. After all of this talking I figured he

was okay with the idea (I am stupid I know) and then he started acting a bit

off.

I am not quite clear on what happened with this other guy but it seems likely this was the thing that got him questioning the relationship especially since he had been cheated on before.

[huntereyes]

thats exactly what i was thinking. And i didnt even realize. As of...well even before he left my guy friend and i are no longer friends. I just didnt tell him I had called off the friendship. I was thinking even if we didnt get back together i would want to tell him how sorry i was that i put him in that situation and that was extremely disrespectful on my part.

[elcie]

It seems to me that he was losing his trust in you and didn't like the negative emotions this caused in him....

 

Then a taste of the free and single life during the music festival was enough for him to realize that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He probably wants to go back into his comfort zone.

[huntereyes]

i know figured that out as well, but the thing is...he should have talked to me about it? I mean i would have any day given up that friendship, i'm not a stubborn person. By going back into his comfort zone does that mean no matter what its over?

[huntereyes]

nothing happened with the other guy by the way. We are just friends and that's all. Nothing happened, and I have never been one to ever cheat. If i wanted to be with this other guy I would have been before I met my boy. I thought he understood that.

[elcie]

Perhaps, if you do get a chance to talk you could explain the situation and then let him know that you understand the difficulty of being in a relationship at this stage in his life; that even though you still want to be friends you want to take a step back until you figure out what you want. Then let him make the next step if he wants to remain in contact with you.

 

If he does still have feelings for you and he doesn't see or hear from you then he could start to miss you. By not being "clingy" you're not putting pressure on him.

 

This is only my guess. You know the situation so much better than I; it's your decision.

[Ms Darcy]

It seems to me that he was losing his trust in you and didn't like the negative emotions this caused in him....

 

Then a taste of the free and single life during the music festival was enough for him to realize that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He probably wants to go back into his comfort zone.

 

I agree with the losing trust due to male friend and being away for six days gave him a taste of freedom.

 

I think what I keyed in on was that he was going through some thinking at that time. He felt like he should want to text you, but didn't really feel like it. Ultimately, I don't think anyone did anything 'wrong' here, but I do think quite a few men can take a whole lot longer than some women do develop strong feelings of attachment.

 

So when you confronted him about not contacting him and said that you should break up if he's not going to be updating you (and then he said "how much contact is required" which shows how he might have felt trapped) then that got the break up ball rolling in his head.

 

Four months isn't really a long time in "emotionally distant, always been alone" guy world. This is the type of guy who requires a whole lotta space and a whole lotta patience for a long long time so hecan decide to make the commitment on his own.

 

Long time bachelors and/or guys who grew up as single children and who are eligible bachelors (good looking, intelligent, good catch) not only are going to have access to a lot of women they are going to KNOW they have access to a lot of women. The women they commit to are the ones they do not feel pressured to commit to, who are fun and cool and they just "fall" in love with. It's a long, frustrating process believe me. And even if you invest a ton of time in him, that is no guarantee that he will commit to you. So again, I would not feel badly if I were you.

 

i know figured that out as well, but the thing is...he should have talked to me about it? I mean i would have any day given up that friendship, i'm not a stubborn person. By going back into his comfort zone does that mean no matter what its over?

 

This guy, and many men, don't have that kind of access to their feelings on command like women do. Even during the breakup conversation (copied below) he couldn't explain it fully. So trying to talk to him about changing feelings would have been more frustrating for you than anything.

 

He is all about, like many men, feelings (especially how you make him feel). Notice how you guys had a lot of fun at the beginning, didn't plan for the future, you gave him space. You set your boundaries, respected his boundaries (his need for freedom to spend time with friends, which he feared would go away when in a relationship), and kept it light. Again, when he asked you how much contact was "required" that was a flag to let you know he felt like he was losing his freedom and thus starting to emotionally detach.

 

So I think if you look at it that way, perhaps what happened becomes a little more clear?

 

He was single for 1 and 1/2 years before he met me and didn't want anything with anyone before he met me.

 

Well it took us a month of seeing each other before we started dating, he insisted at the beginning that he was afraid of being a rebound and then fully came clean that he was mostly afraid of losing his free time with his friends.

 

After realizing that my reassurance that that wasn't going to happen wasn't helping any, I confronted him and asked if this was just fun for him and if he didn't want something serious and explained if that were the case I would really like to know.

 

With this new boy we took everything slow and did things that were fun rather than planning a future together so early on. We never fought and we had the most fun together. It was a simple relationship and we both loved it.

 

He comes back and I confront him about it very calmly. He explains these three reasons, there was in reception, his phone didnt stay charged for 6 days and he was with his friends and didn't want to be texting the whole time. I ask him if this is what he thinks him going on tour is going to be like then we should break up now because that wasn't fair to us and we wouldn't last as a relationship without contact.

 

And he replied with a text saying "hey can I talk to you for a minute?" So he called and the conversation went like this

 

"I know I shouldn't be doing this over the phone but I just don't have any other means to do so right now.."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

...

"I'm really bad at explaining these things and I'll explain more when I get back. "

 

Can someone explain to me what it is exactly that is going on.

 

Just highlighting the big arcs of the relationship for him: from fun to loss of freedom.

[DN]

I don't think that his not talking to you about it is about not having access to his feelings - that may be true but it is a bit of a stretch. The fact is that he may have decided to go on what he saw rather than what you were saying. He went away for a few days and in that time you became friends with another guy - what else does he need to know or say about it?

[huntereyes]

is there even any point in hoping or remaining to have hope that things might turn out different? What I don't understand is that if he was afraid of this commitment I figured I would have saw it before too, but it was just when he went away. He was even the one that said he'd text me and then didnt. So I am lost as to what made him change his mind. If he was scared before...is there anything I can do to slowly build that attachment again or will me being in his presence only make me hurt more in the end because it wont work. In this situation is NC a good idea?

[Ms Darcy]

Is there even any point in hoping or remaining to have hope that things might turn out different?

 

I tend to try to let go of hope when someone breaks up with me. I know it can take a while to let go, but that is my usual route. Having hope may not be bad if you can move on and accept that you may be with him or someone else in the future.

 

What I don't understand is that if he was afraid of this commitment I figured I would have saw it before too, but it was just when he went away.

 

People who are afraid of commitment don't wear a sign on their head. They do what he did - avoid relationships for a long time, tell you that they are afraid of losing their freedom, etc. Being afraid of commitment doesn't mean he cannot commit. Just that he needed time and compatibility to do so.

 

He was even the one that said he'd text me and then didnt.

 

The issues came up when he started to wonder why he didn't really want to text you and after you confronted him and suggested breaking up.

 

So I am lost as to what made him change his mind.

 

See post 8. I suspect that's what happened.

 

If he was scared before...is there anything I can do to slowly build that attachment again or will me being in his presence only make me hurt more in the end because it wont work.

 

Only he knows if there is anything you can do. All I can say is trying to talk him or convince him into feeling something again won't work.

 

In this situation is NC a good idea?

 

NC is meant to help you move on. I think moving on is not a bad idea.

[endy]

Actually from what I read you got over the first relationship which was 2 years in 3 months?

 

I think honestly what happened was the relationship lost it's balance. I think that while there was no commitment going on he was comfortable. When he started seeing a "free spirit" as someone starting to push a little bit for more, combined with you talking to the "rebound" probably killed the balance that the relationship had. Try reading the passion trap. I don't have time right now to diagnose and explain it all. But if you read that book what happened will make sense to you.

 

In my opinion it's way too early for you to have anything serious anyways. I'm not a psychologist but I don't see many people that are strong enough to let go of a 2 year in 3 months. And rebounding is just not healthy to get over someone. I think you should probably take time out and work on yourself. That's just my advice though. Especially if this is a reoccuring thing in your life. Do what you feel is best for you.

 

I would probably just cut my ties right now and go NC. If he gets in touch he does, if not just move on. I wouldn't keep up hope if it was me.

[endy]

It's also just a hunch, and I agree whole heartedly with Darcy, it looks like he may have an abandonment issue. Simply because you said something about breaking up and then bam he cut ties. It's just a hunch, but it is a possibility. You would have to know him way better than that, and his behaviors in the relationship to know that for sure.

[huntereyes]

Well you see, I understand that this is kind of silly that I would want things to work out and I understand that it might seem like I am rebounding to the thing is...I honestly saw my ex and we talked and I felt nothing. As well, I realized a lot in the time that I was away from my ex, enough to realize what I do and don't want in someone. What is upsetting about this is that it was out of the blue and, I know we have tried to deduce what it could have been, it seems that there is a simple fix to this if he were to choose to be honest and upfront about his issues. Ultimately I was doing NC to leave him alone so that he could have fun while on tour as well as taking time to analyze things and mistakes that were made on my part in order to better benefit myself in the future. This just seems like a situation that could be easily fixed if there was communication on his part and we came to a conclusion on how to continue on increasing the trust.

[Ms Darcy]

What was he going to communicate to you?

[huntereyes]

the reasoning behind his decision. He said he would explain better when he came back

[Lavender25]

I honestly don't think that he will be able to explain it to you any better than he already has and I doubt that he has plans on actually having another conversation with you. I don't mean that to sound harsh, I'm just sharing with you what I think because the same thing happened to me.

 

I just got out of a 4 month relationship with a man who had dated occasionally, but had never been in a serious relationship before. Things were great and I thought there was a future here and we talked about doing things in the future but one week he disappeared. When I got in touch with him at his job he said that his phone had died and he'd lost his charger. I told him that there was facebook, he knew where I lived, I work just downstairs from him, etc. I gave him an out then and there that if he didn't want a relationship then he should let me know because I was getting emotionally attached. He said that he did want a relationship and that he was sorry and wouldn't happen again.

 

Nothing like that did happen again, but about a month or two later he invited me out for dinner and through tears told me that he thought a spark or connection was missing and felt like he should break it off because he didn't see a future and didn't want to string me along. He said he would miss me and miss being in a relationship with me and that he would regret his decision for a while but thought it was for the best.

 

I was very hurt and cried but didn't plead or beg. I let a few days go by and he texted once asking me how my finals went and congratulated me on graduating, but ignored my birthday. We had a conversation once about getting together and talking about it because I was still confused and he said he would like to see me and told me that he still looks for my car in the parking lot every day. But have I heard from him since? No. I think he may have planned then to have that conversation with me, but then decided later on (or was convinced by others) that it was a bad idea.

 

I still hope he'll change his mind because I honestly think that we could've been great together. But I also know that he obviously wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle the kind of relationship that I want. Maybe one day... but I'm not going to wait. And you shouldn't either.

[huntereyes]

Although I understand how these two situations are similar and I'm not devastated by the break up the way I was with my ex. I suppose maybe I have too much faith in people, but I think that would be cruel to break up with me while gone, not even in person, and then to say he was going to provide and explanation and not do so. I'm a rational person and I'm very calm and I feel since he knows this he should feel open to providing me an explanation for what happened. How old was the guy you were dating?

[Lavender25]

Although I understand how these two situations are similar and I'm not devastated by the break up the way I was with my ex. I suppose maybe I have too much faith in people, but I think that would be cruel to break up with me while gone, not even in person, and then to say he was going to provide and explanation and not do so. I'm a rational person and I'm very calm and I feel since he knows this he should feel open to providing me an explanation for what happened. How old was the guy you were dating?

 

28.

 

If you are still expecting an explanation, then I think you are going to have to remind him when he gets back that you want one. But I do think NC is the best option here.

[huntereyes]

why do you think NC is the best option.

Well I'm refuse to remind him he owes me an explanation until quite some time passes. Hopefully he remembers...which I'm sure he will. I dont really understand how someone makes this decision over night, if it is the case of him not being pleased with me being friends with that boy, then maybe we can fix something with better communication.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I also think he wanted to clear his conscious to be free to "date" while he was gone. So that might be why he did it over the phone.

[Lavender25]

why do you think NC is the best option.

Well I'm refuse to remind him he owes me an explanation until quite some time passes. Hopefully he remembers...which I'm sure he will. I dont really understand how someone makes this decision over night, if it is the case of him not being pleased with me being friends with that boy, then maybe we can fix something with better communication.

 

I think NC is the best option because nothing you can say or do is going to change his mind. He has to change his mind ON HIS OWN. It's really funny that I'm telling you this because my first instinct was to talk to my ex too and tell him that we could work on it and that his feelings would probably pass and that we hadn't been spending the time together that we want, etc. But the fact that he had already come to a decision without trying to discuss it with me first was enough to show me that he'd already made up his mind and nothing I was going to say would help.

 

He needs time, space, and a chance to MISS YOU. Plus, you need to get to a state in your healing where you can be fine with out without him. Maybe then you can have that conversation, but it should really be him explaining and not you asking for a chance to fix it.

[Ms Darcy]

Attraction is a powerful thing ladies. Men will leave good girls if they don't feel it; and chase idiots when they do.

[huntereyes]

I am taking this time apart to heal.....like I mentioned before. I came to the conclusion yesterday that though it would be ideal if we got back together...if we didnt it wasnt the end of the world. The thing is I am extremely curious as to what his reasoning is for I read your situation and although it is similar this boy has been in relationships before we that were dating (although he was single for a year and half before we dated). If it is the case that he wanted to mess around on tour then like I mentioned to him in the phone conversation to be honest. Sure it would hurt more but I appreciate the truth over sugar coded crap and he knows that. He even said "its not like theres anyone else."

 

 

AS well the reason I started NC was to allow him to enjoy his trip and because I figure it was useless to talk about it until he came back. I also did it so I could deal with things and when we were in person we could have a proper discussion over what happened and so we could either fix it or learn from the experience. I'm not saying that I dont want us to get back together, it would be lovey if we did, but if we don't and things don't work out. I'm 22, not 70. I am in no rush.

[huntereyes]

As well I just want to see how things are going to be when he gets back from tour since hes having so much fun now but it might be a littttle different when he gets back and has to go back to ordinary life.