MoggieGirl Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Please help me deal with this intelligently. I have been with my boyfriend for eleven years. We have been very happy together. We have been living together for 10 years. We started dating when we were 26, now we are both 37. For a long time we were both content to live together and not get married. We both made the decision that we will be getting married. Here is the problem. My boyfriend got laid off from his job 3 years ago when Circuit City went out of business. He has now completely run out of unemployment benefits. I am supporting him. I'm the only one with a job. This has been going on for about 3 years except for that part time christmas seasonal job he had in a toy store last year and this really didn't last long, not even a month, or give him nearly enough hours to make any significant money. I've been very patient with him as he has been looking for work, applying on line and going to interviews. But it seems to be very difficult for him to find any work. My parents are getting really concerned. My father does not believe he is trying hard enough to find a job, neither does my Mom. I know my boyfriend wants a job and is not liking the situation he is in himself. He tells me "I can't force anyone to hire me." Well I'm afraid that this is damaging our relationship. I'm afraid 3 years of unemployment may turn into 5 years, 5 years into 7, that I could potentially end up supporting him for the rest of my life or for much longer than I would be ok with. I'm not getting any younger so if this goes on much longer I cannot be with him anymore. It is going to be a very painful break up if it comes to this. I still love him, and he is totally devoted to and enamored of me. There is a cute guy on the bus that I take to my next bus connection to work. He is about 10 years younger than me. We have had some very nice conversations. I have a crush on him. I am not acting on it but I sure find myself thinking about him a lot and I look forward to seeing him on that bus each morning. I have been asking myself why this is happening and I can only conclude that it is because I'm not happy with the current state that my relationship is in. Do you have any advice? Thanks. Link to comment
MoggieGirl Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 By the way, I noticed the facebook link on this website. This better not get on my facebook page. Please tell me it won't. I need to be anonymous. I don't want anyone I know reading this, especially not HIM or HIM. If this is going to happen then I need the thread deleted. Thanks. Link to comment
annieperson Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 As you said, I dont think this crush has as much to do with this new guy in particular as it is does with your lack of satisfaction with your current partner. If you partner had a good job and was pulling his weight and you still rode the bus with this guy would you still feel attracted to the "bus guy"? Don't do something you might regret just because you are not satisfied. 10 yrs is a really long time. Have you told your partner about your concerns? I would suggest being totally honest and yes maybe even brutal but unless he knows how you truly feel then he might never change. Speaking from experience, dont fill the relationship with things you "DIDNT" say and then have regrets. Take care and I wish you all the best. Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 People in committed relationships get crushes. It happens. What matters is what you do about it. If you want to save your relationship, then you need to put some distance between you and this bus guy. As for your bf... my sister is having this same problem with her husband. He has been out of work since the economy crashed in 2008. Three years ago. It's not your bf's fault that the economy sucks and you said yourself that he really does try. Things have not yet recovered. I understand that this is a lot of pressure on you, but do you think you can give this more time? As for FB, I don't think anything is posted on your wall unless you "like" something. To be safe, you could post on here while staying logged out of FB. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 By the way, I noticed the facebook link on this website. This better not get on my facebook page. Please tell me it won't. I need to be anonymous. I don't want anyone I know reading this, especially not HIM or HIM. If this is going to happen then I need the thread deleted. Thanks. Just letting you know that threads don't get deleted here on ENA. Threads may get closed (on request sometimes), but not deleted, as far as I am aware. Link to comment
MoggieGirl Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Just letting you know that threads don't get deleted here on ENA. Threads may get closed (on request sometimes), but not deleted, as far as I am aware. I just don't want it on my face book page that's all. I don't think it will happen. Link to comment
MoggieGirl Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 People in committed relationships get crushes. It happens. What matters is what you do about it. If you want to save your relationship, then you need to put some distance between you and this bus guy. As for your bf... my sister is having this same problem with her husband. He has been out of work since the economy crashed in 2008. Three years ago. It's not your bf's fault that the economy sucks and you said yourself that he really does try. Things have not yet recovered. I understand that this is a lot of pressure on you, but do you think you can give this more time? As for FB, I don't think anything is posted on your wall unless you "like" something. To be safe, you could post on here while staying logged out of FB. I'm trying to. I've had people tell me that 3 years is a really long time and it doesn't take 3 years. I'm trying to figure out a reasonable amount of time to wait. It really sucks to get a crush on someone else when you're in a committed relationship. It can mess up your brain. Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Three years is a long time, but there are extenuating circumstances. Have you seen the unemployment rate? This all also depends on what his career is and where he lives. Yes, the crush is going to mess up your brain. You need to stay away from bus guy to sort things out. The crush could make you look at your boyfriend with a more critical eye than you normally would. I think you need to sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend about the future. Is he trying to find a job only within his career? That is why my sister's husband is having such a hard time. He is doing stuff on the side now and then but he really wants to find a job in his field and given the situation, that probably will not happen for a long while. Link to comment
MoggieGirl Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 He is actually just trying to find a job, any job. Link to comment
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