Pressured by others that I "might change my mind"

[midnightdeirdre]

I'm 26 years old (about to be 27 in four months). Whenever I say I don't want kids, usually someone (always a woman) will say, "You might change your mind." They will then go on to say something like, "I knew a woman who said she didn't want kids, and now she has two."

 

I've never wanted kids; even when I was 16 and I told a counselor this, she smiled at me and said, "Aww, you might change your mind. My daughters said they didn't, either, but now they do." (Might I add that this counselor had five kids. She also had a pretty bad memory, so I suspect she lied about "remembering" how her daughters claimed they didn't want kids.)

 

And ok, a few people I have told about my not wanting kids have said, "You don't want kids? Okay, that's your choice."

 

My ex wanted kids. Considering how everyone kept insisting I "might change" my mind, I tried convincing myself that having a kid would be okay. (The fact that I was even trying to convince myself to have kids is proof enough that I don't really want them.) Low and behold, I was in the gynos and read a pregnancy book; one page had a list titled, "Wrong Reasons to Have a Baby." No joke---every single reason listed were the reasons I was using on myself to try and convince myself to have a kid with my ex, since he wanted them.

 

I admit, I needed to vent this out on here as well as get some positive feedback. But surely most people would agree that if I don't want kids in my mid-20s, why would I ever change my mind later? I guess I'm also very annoyed at how people will claimed, "I knew someone who said they didn't want kids, when they got married they changed their mind."

[Seraphim]

Why bother justifying what you want or don't want? Just smile and say ok and walk away. Don't let random people make you mad because they have an opinion of their own. People for whatever reason always want to justify their choice or argue with people about their choice. Just don't bother and it won't bother you.

[mouseno4]

Been there done that, got the t-shirt.

 

I dont want kids. I have not wanted them since i was 12. Guess what, 18 years later, i still dont want kids. The kicker here, is that hormones can play tricks on a great majority of women. That is what i believe people automatically assume will happen with you.

 

And yes i have had the EXACT 100% SAME words said to me.

 

Here, you want a lesson in life from my experience? Do NOT talk about the following topics with ANYONE:

1. Politics.

2. Religion

3. That you dont want kids.

Any and all those subjects will give you a metric ton of arguments. I got 18 years of them as proof.

 

So basically, tell nobody you dont want kids. Keep it to yourself and only tell your boyfriend when you are getting really serious in a relationship.

 

Oh and here is some REAL useful information that will knock your knickers off. If you have NO kids and are under 40, go to your GP and announce you want your tubes cut. Sorry no can do. Go to another doctor and ask the same thing. Yep, same deal. OK Now go to ANOTHER doctor and tell them, you are 45-50, have 5 kids a husband and a full time job or two. Oh yes ma'am right away. This story comes to you courtesy of my own mother. It is somewhat difficult for a guy to get his tube cut but nowhere near as hard for a women.

 

(as a side note, at age 12 i never wanted to get married either, and of course i still dont)

[RecentlyAlone]

I think it's fine to not want kids. However my boyfriend just ended our 5-year relationship due to the fact that he does not want kids and I do. So many people have told me he is too young to decide (we are 27) and I have to admit, I do hope he changes his mind He hasn't always said he doesn't want them, he's just been unsure about it all but he feels it's unfair to me to stay in the relationship if he can't say he wants them.

[GrowingIn]

If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing it.

 

I will say this though. My ex said she didn't want to have kids until she was 35. She also said when we broke up, that if she had her choice she would have been married with two children already. So there was a conflicting sentiment going on there. I pushed for kids, she wanted to be secure beforehand. I said I used to think like that and sometimes you can reach an age where you are never secure enough to have them, and will just not end up ever wanting them. I am at that point now where being secure financially is no longer a pre-requisite for kids. If it happens it happens, I believe enough in myself that I would kick it in gear and do whatever it took to take care of my kids.

 

But then throughout our conversations I noticed this one day. "Do you really see me as the mother type?" And honestly, she wasn't very affectionate, she wasn't very warm, but I said yes. And I meant it. I believe that something inside her, made her squash her maternal instinct. She didn't believe it. But I could easily see in in her very much. Unfortunately I do not think she can. So I think her squandered opportunities to do that before, then with me, and possibly in the future comes from something else deeper inside.

 

It may just take her getting pregnant to realize SHE WANTS them and believe she would be good at raising them.

[gingerlemon]

I don't want children, either, and get the same attitudes. I don't really care. I generally say that 'sure, if I wake up tomorrow and really want children, I'll have them'. That usually ends the discussion.

[Beluga23]

Having kids is one of those things where you either want them or you don't. There really is no in-between and there isn't anything that would make you change your mind. My mom grew up in a very traditional family, and even though she didn't want kids, she was forced onto that track. Even now, she said that if she had a do-over, she wouldn't have chosen kids at all. Not that she doesn't love us, it's just that... there are reasons why she didn't want kids and those reasons never went away (she doesn't like kids in general and she's not a very affectionate person.)

 

So, if you feel like you don't want kids, find someone else who shares that view with you. Don't let someone change your mind and... honestly, it is NOT something you grow out of.

[GrowingIn]

Been there done that, got the t-shirt.

 

I dont want kids. I have not wanted them since i was 12. Guess what, 18 years later, i still dont want kids. The kicker here, is that hormones can play tricks on a great majority of women. That is what i believe people automatically assume will happen with you.

 

And yes i have had the EXACT 100% SAME words said to me.

 

Here, you want a lesson in life from my experience? Do NOT talk about the following topics with ANYONE:

1. Politics.

2. Religion

3. That you dont want kids.

Any and all those subjects will give you a metric ton of arguments. I got 18 years of them as proof.

 

So basically, tell nobody you dont want kids. Keep it to yourself and only tell your 'husband to be' when you are getting really serious in a relationship.

 

Really now? Man I hope we never date. Just a suggestion but you should let someone know that you don't want that before you even get anywhere near that stage. Don't be selfish!

 

If they don't want to have anything to do with you because of that, it's their problem. Don't drag someone into a relationship and let them know "just before" it gets too serious. Because by the time you actually figure out it's at that point, your SO will have already been there for some time!

 

It's like dating a shemale for a month and just the night before you finally have sex, they go: "oh btw....there's something you should know".

[mouseno4]

My uncle wanted kids. His girlfriend didnt. On that note /chop. Now he is happily married with 3 kids to someone completely different.

[mouseno4]

Really now? Man I hope we never date. Just a suggestion but you should let someone know that you don't want that before you even get anywhere near that stage. Don't be selfish!

 

If they don't want to have anything to do with you because of that, it's their problem. Don't drag someone into a relationship and let them know "just before" it gets too serious. Because by the time you actually figure out it's at that point, your SO will have already been there for some time!

 

I am sorry but i assume our idea of what getting really serious means is different. For me, its sex. I would mention it before that. That is the time when both parties have not invested too much into it. And yes, i consider that a responsibility and a very important part of a relationship. Thanks. (and yes i have friends who jumped into a girls knickers first date)

 

Let me give you an example. Third date with a girl, she brings up the fact that xyz has a nice daughter of x age. That is the perfect time for it. Hell, if the subject was brought up even before the first date - even better. But the point is, to bring such a topic up before either party is invested in the relationship.

[GrowingIn]

Oh I see. Ok. Lol. The way you worded it the first time sounded like dropping the bomb on the dude when you begin to sense he's shopping for an engagement ring.

[faithful14]

I think its perfectly fine to not want kids. And if some nosy person asks, just change the switch subject or smile and say something like " who knows what will happen" and just walk away. And if it becomes a problem, just say you don't like discussing your personal life.

[Oneironaut]

I never wanted kids, either, and I knew that when I was as young as 8 years old. Yes, I heard it all as I was growing up, also. Some people even went so far as to say I was -selfish- for not wanting kids.

 

That one always boggled my mind...recognizing that I have no interest in being a parent is "selfish"?

 

After the second time I heard that, I said back to the person, "Name one reason for having a child that doesn't start out with the words, 'I want'..."

 

Needless to say, they never told me it was selfish again, lol...

 

There's nothing you can do to convince these people otherwise, so just smile and nod and say something like, "Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong...only time will tell" and move along. Kudos for not standing your ground, and not allowing yourself to be pushed into something you don't feel right about doing.

[mouseno4]

Oh I see. Ok. Lol. The way you worded it the first time sounded like dropping the bomb on the dude when you begin to sense he's shopping for an engagement ring.

 

 

OH hell no! That isnt being selfish... That is being NASTY! INTENTIONALLY!

 

(I reworded what i said as my wording was my childish stab at the whole idea of marriage)

 

Some people even went so far as to say I was -selfish- for not wanting kids.

Oddly enough, ive heard that too. Shortly before being told 'what if your child was the next Einstein' or some other notable genius.

 

LOL gimme a break!

[prettynthecity]

If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. It's nobody else's business and frankly, it upsets me that people would even get offended at someone not wanting them. I myself want kids but I can completely see why someone wouldn't. So more power to you!

[shes2smart]

See, it's times like this where being a natural smart ass and really not caring what other people think comes in handy. You can pop off one-liners that will make them wonder, leave them laughing or piss them off....but get accross the message the topic is not up for discussion.

 

F'rinstance: "Oh, sure, I want kids....but I'm unable to successfully mate with the human species." (Said in a perfectly dead-pan, serious way)

 

Around the age of 15, I realized I wasn't mommy material. At 27 I found out I have PCOS and was likely infertile anyway. I am now 47 and I haven't ever heard a single "tick" or "tock" out of this "biological clock" people claim women have.

 

People have a right to their opinions....even about things that aren't their concern. Heck, I'll even go so far as to say they have a right to express those opinons as long as they're civil & polite about it. But I have an opposite and equal right to ignore other people's opinions. Particularly when it comes to things like "my life" "my stuff" and "my body."

 

It's none of their business. Do the mental equivilent of sticking your fingers in your ears and going, "la-la-la-I-can't-hear-you."

[shes2smart]

Oh, one other comment about not wanting kids....

 

When you know this about yourself and know that the likelihood of you ever changing your mind about it is slim to none, the only fair and responsible thing to do is be brutally honest and up front about it right from the start with anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship with you. If having kids (either bio or adopted) is part of their game plan, be prepared to let them go and find a partner they can share that with.

[mouseno4]

Here is one:

 

''Oh wow i would really LOVE kids you know. But i had an accident with my GP and he accidentally cut my tube which makes me sterile now. Still trying to sue his ass.''

[RecentlyAlone]

Oh, one other comment about not wanting kids....

 

When you know this about yourself and know that the likelihood of you ever changing your mind about it is slim to none, the only fair and responsible thing to do is be brutally honest and up front about it right from the start with anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship with you. If having kids (either bio or adopted) is part of their game plan, be prepared to let them go and find a partner they can share that with.

 

At 22 this was the least of our concerns! 27 though...different story

[midnightdeirdre]

Here is one:

 

''Oh wow i would really LOVE kids you know. But i had an accident with my GP and he accidentally cut my tube which makes me sterile now. Still trying to sue his ass.''

 

LOL, too funny! When I came back on this thread and saw 18 responses, I was scared to read them. Boy, am I glad I did! Thanks so much for all the great input! Love to you all!!!

[He2Him]

First off, stop being so stubborn. Seriously, you don't want kids today, based on what you know and have learned till today. What you might discover and learn tomorrow might impact your way of thinking in such way that you'll change all of that you believe and hold onto today.

 

Sadly you're very close-minded (this is very easily distinguished from the way/attitude you typed your post). Are you afraid of what you might learn if you were open-minded? I would say you are, which is probably caused by your resentment to opinion of others ''that you just might change''. Perhaps you fear that if you were embrace new opportunities and knowledge in certain areas of your life it would change your thinking and point of view on having kids and then you'll have to admit that ''everyone was right''.

 

It's sad to see that almost 27 year old girl lives her life by rules of 16yo herself. Because guess what, 16yo doesn't know anything about life.

 

I tell you just this, people change all the time. Embrace the ever evolving nature of your life instead of stubbornly holding onto your own imperfection.

[carbon14]

My ex wanted kids. Considering how everyone kept insisting I "might change" my mind, I tried convincing myself that having a kid would be okay. (The fact that I was even trying to convince myself to have kids is proof enough that I don't really want them.) Low and behold, I was in the gynos and read a pregnancy book; one page had a list titled, "Wrong Reasons to Have a Baby." No joke---every single reason listed were the reasons I was using on myself to try and convince myself to have a kid with my ex, since he wanted them.

"

 

Please, please, PLEASE do not have a kid for this reason! Some friends of mine did-the husband really wanted a kid while the wife was absolutely against it, but finally gave in just to make him happy. The upside is that the husband is a fantastic father-I really couldn't imagine him without a kid, he's just a natural. And to the wife's credit, she is trying to be enthusiastic about being a mother, but you can tell her heart's not in it. Worst of all, the kid can tell as well. She's only ~3yrs, but you can see that she tries SO hard to make her mother happy and try to win her approval (with her dad, she's very laid back and relaxed). And it didn't really help their marriage either-the wife refuses to alter her plans and makes her husband change his plans to watch the kid, saying "you wanted a kid, now you can do the work". I don't even remember when we went out for a beer with him, even for just an hour, while she just left this week for a 3 month sabbatical to Australia, leaving him to take care of the kid alone. Yeah... I seriously worry about that kid.

 

I'm not really interested in having kids either, but like someone else said I just try to avoid the topic. And when I do get "oh but you'll surely change your mind one day!", I just respond "yeah, who knows-how about this weather!". Try to remember that these people really love their kids or want to have kids themselves one day and while I have no doubt that it's an amazing experience, it's not for me. But it's hard for others to understand that-it's like "this is the most delicious cake EVER-why don't you want a taste?!"-their comment is coming from a good place (ie. they want you to experience that happiness), but they just don't understand you're more of a pie person. So try to see it as they want you to be happy and not take their comments too negatively. Hmmm-I'm hungry now....

 

And maybe you should write a thank you note the authors of the pregnancy book that made you change your mind!

[midnightdeirdre]

I totally disagree with this. I haven't changed much since I was 16; but I'm not "living my life by the rules of a 16 year old.." I've grown more confident, more assured, more happy, but I'm still ME. I am not closed minded about life, just because I typed up a post on here where I was anxious & ticked off about something doesn't say everything about who I am or what I stand for.

 

So, He2Him, do you have children? If having a baby that barfs, pukes, cries and screams every 3 minutes is your idea of happiness, fine. But don't insist it onto those who don't want that, which has been made VERY clear on this thread by everyone else.

[midnightdeirdre]

First, I love the "they don't understand that you're more of a pie person" when someone might offer me cake. (lol, cute!) Second, believe me, I always knew deep down that having a baby for someone else is one of the worst things anyone can do. The pregnancy book also stated, "If you can't let go of your own childhood, you can't have/raise a child of your own." As you may have guessed, I can't let go of my own childhood.

 

Ever since I read that pregnancy book, I've tried to locate it since just to re-read it. But I haven't found it yet at any library, lol. But if I do find it again, maybe I should send a thank you email to the authors.

[Batya33]

My son is two and has never vomited and he actually was a pretty happy baby, easy baby and is a very happy little boy in general. My idea of happiness was not as you so negatively described but if that had been his behavior I would have still been thrilled to have the privilege and blessing of being his mother and I would have done everything in my power to find out why he was doing all those behaviors every three minutes, constantly, because that's a sign of something wrong.

 

Having said that, please don't have kids with your attitude. That's not in a child's best interests. I know many people who changed their minds so just try to be a little less sensitive about people who say "oh you might change your mind" - just let it roll off your back -most people don't mean it in a bad way, or to annoy you or trivialize what you've said about not wanting kids. Just like I let it roll off my back when people describe children as you did in your last sentence -as long as it's not specific to my child, that is.