Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 My bf and I have been together for two years and a couple of months. Before that, he was on an on-off relationship with his ex for about three years. The last few months they were together, they were already pretty much gone and I kept having this nagging feeling that he was using me to make her jealous. It took him really quick to move on when they finally broke up, thought it was months before I agreed to go out with him (still, they had such a huge history that a few months didn't seem like enough). I was always scared I was the rebound girl. But, they've been NC ever since and we've been strong until this day. After this long, I'm sure I'm not the rebound girl anymore. However, I'm still really insecure. It's just that, for example, I see his old online accounts and he's practically yelling his love for her. He was really vocal about it, and it makes me feel terrible that he's not that way for me. Sometimes, I find pictures or messages, and I see how much effort he made for her. He makes A LOT of effort for me too, but when I see the things he did for her, it was really to the point that he'd jump off a cliff for her. Plus, he was really romantic when they were together, something which I find really lacking in our relationship. I feel terrible. I know they're over, but I keep comparing our relationship to theirs. What should I do? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Have you felt the same kind of love for everyone you've ever dated? Link to comment
superfox Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Hmm..it could be that you aren't 'the one' for him but I'd also suggest that although you aren't the rebound girl there was very little time between the pair of you so he didn't have to date and woo you, you just slotted into where the other one left. But I could be talking rubbish! Link to comment
Mephisto13 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 You BF was sick of the off and on relationship with his ex...which is why the last time he broke up with her, he was already ready for a new relationship. I'd stop snooping his old stuff. If you keep looking at the past, you'll never see a future. Who cares how he acted with her, he dumped her a$$ so she wasn't all THAT great! If you don't want the same ending as his previous relationship, stop comparing your relationship to theirs. All relationships are different. And theirs is history. Look forward to your time with him. And given that he does things for you (like he did for her), you're all good. Don't start thinking, "I got 12 tulips for my birthday but he gave her 12 roses for hers 2 years ago!!! He doesn't love me as much!!!" Maybe her favorite flower was the rose and he knows you like tulips more. Unless you are identically like his ex...you won't get the same experience....but really...would you really want to be exactly the same as his ex? He'd end up dumping you, just like he dumped her. Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Have you felt the same kind of love for everyone you've ever dated? Not really. I've only been serious for two other guys, but not this much. Which is good. The first one got another girl pregnant, the other one was cheating on me. And the mystery of the insecurities and the jealousy is solved. Hmm..it could be that you aren't 'the one' for him but I'd also suggest that although you aren't the rebound girl there was very little time between the pair of you so he didn't have to date and woo you, you just slotted into where the other one left. But I could be talking rubbish! That makes sense! Thank you for your input. Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 You BF was sick of the off and on relationship with his ex...which is why the last time he broke up with her, he was already ready for a new relationship. I'd stop snooping his old stuff. If you keep looking at the past, you'll never see a future. Who cares how he acted with her, he dumped her a$$ so she wasn't all THAT great! If you don't want the same ending as his previous relationship, stop comparing your relationship to theirs. All erlationsihps are different. And theirs is history. Look forward to your time with him. I know, it really pisses me off that I always have a nagging feeling to pry into his stuff! I just can't help it sometimes, I just want to know who he was before. Thank you for your post, it was really helpful, and something I know I should *know*. I love my time with him, I just wish there was... well, something more sometimes. But this is just me being demanding, I suppose. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I know, it really pisses me off that I always have a nagging feeling to pry into his stuff! I just can't help it sometimes, I just want to know who he was before. Thank you for your post, it was really helpful, and something I know I should *know*. I love my time with him, I just wish there was... well, something more sometimes. But this is just me being demanding, I suppose. OP, can I ask what it is that you think you're missing from him? What feeling aren't you getting? Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 OP, can I ask what it is that you think you're missing from him? What feeling aren't you getting? Romance, I suppose. Not particularly a fan of mushy stuff, but once in a while would be good. Or things like, he'll come see me just because he can. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Romance, I suppose. Not particularly a fan of mushy stuff, but once in a while would be good. Or things like, he'll come see me just because he can. Sorry for so many questions, but I promise it's going somewhere. What is romance to you? Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Sorry for so many questions, but I promise it's going somewhere. What is romance to you? It's fine! It would be surprise visits, coming to see me when we have a big fight, occasional mushy stuff like letters... geez, actually getting flowers on Vdays/anniv/bday instead of hearing 'they're so expensive' is good enough. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 It's fine! It would be surprise visits, coming to see me when we have a big fight, occasional mushy stuff like letters... geez, actually getting flowers on Vdays/anniv/bday instead of hearing 'they're so expensive' is good enough. Hm. Okay, some of that is total movie romcom stuff that almost never happens. (Stop reading/watching twilight, ladies, seriously) -- However, the Valentine's Day stuff... hmm. What does he do for you instead? Cook a nice meal? Make you a card? Write you a song? Anything? Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Hm. Okay, some of that is total movie romcom stuff that almost never happens. (Stop reading/watching twilight, ladies, seriously) -- However, the Valentine's Day stuff... hmm. What does he do for you instead? Cook a nice meal? Make you a card? Write you a song? Anything? Lol, I hate twilight. I dislike many mushy stuff as well, but it would be great to feel the damn butterflies in my stomach. Especially since I saw how he did it for his ex. Anyway, on "special occasions" we just do what we do on any normal day. Hang out. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Lol, I hate twilight. I dislike many mushy stuff as well, but it would be great to feel the damn butterflies in my stomach. Especially since I saw how he did it for his ex. Anyway, on "special occasions" we just do what we do on any normal day. Hang out. It doesn't sound like his ex-gf and their relationship is the problem, it sounds like he's just... around. It's an issue of effort that really has nothing to do with his past relationship. It's a choice, and it's that choice not being made that really seems more at the room of your relationship problems, imho. Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 It doesn't sound like his ex-gf and their relationship is the problem, it sounds like he's just... around. It's an issue of effort that really has nothing to do with his past relationship. It's a choice, and it's that choice not being made that really seems more at the room of your relationship problems, imho. He puts in tons of efforts. He does everything for me, even if he hasn't had any sleep, etc. I really do feel the effort, I just don't feel the romance. The reason I compare it with has past is because he says he's just not "that kind of guy", but I've seen evidence that says otherwise. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 He puts in tons of efforts. He does everything for me, even if he hasn't had any sleep, etc. I really do feel the effort, I just don't feel the romance. Well, what's more important in the long run to you then? The effort or the romance? Link to comment
Cornelia Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Well, what's more important in the long run to you then? The effort or the romance? Woops sorry, edited the last post afterwards. Anyway, I think they're both important! Anyway, thank you. I'm going to logout now. Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 You said that they were on and off for three years. Sounds kind of dramatic. He probably ended up looking like he went "all out" for her because of their dynamic, which wasn't healthy. In the long run, that is not very fun and I'm sure he doesn't miss it. I guess I don't understand how you can say you can feel the effort but not the romance. I guess I'm with hex in that I'm unsure of what you mean by romance...? When my husband does things for me that on the face of it seem kind of mundane but are out of his way or inconvenient, I feel the romance, I feel appreciated. In some ways it is the everyday things that matter most and not the mush. I really do feel that mushy stuff should be saved for special occasions, so maybe that is what you find lacking? If so, does he know you like that stuff on V-Day or birthdays or whatever? Link to comment
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