Depressive Episode

[SayWhen]

I am going through an extremely bad depressive episode and I'm looking for some insight. Just as "background" I am diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, so I'm used to depressive/manic episodes but this one is just awful and I am actually in physical pain. My husband has beer as a hobby, which I also enjoy, though he definitely has more of an interest in it. It's Philly Beer Week so when he's not at work he's at events drinking. I try to meet him for drinks but I want to be careful because alcohol is a depressant and I am already hurting so badly. I feel like I can't tell him this since I don't want to be a "downer"...he does not understand BPD and calls my depression "sadness" and he thinks all I need to do is go out and have fun and it'll "go away.". I wish that were the case. I am a rational person and I don't expect him to go to less drinking events nor do I expect him to sympathize with me...but I just feel incredibly guilty for not being able to feel enjoyment through going out to these events with him. Last night I stayed home while he drank and he drove drunk (at least I think so because he reeked of alcohol) and I was very upset but didn't want to show it so I slept downstairs to remove myself from the situation and let him sleep. I'm sorry this is so rambling...I just feel like I cannot be a good wife right now because of my depression and it's really eating at me. I'm going to try to go to an event tonight though I am nervous I won't be able to enjoy myself and will get more depressed...but I can't just keep staying at home as I don't think it's helping things. Ugh...I feel so out of sorts...

[Mephisto13]

No matter what his interests/hobbies are...he should be a good husband and take care of you during this rough patch, just as you are a good wife for doing things for him.

 

But he won't know how you feel until you talk to him about it.

[petite]

Please, do not blame yourself because you can't enjoy the "hobby". BPD and alcohol dependence (AD) share a common underlying neurobiology and your husband needs to start learning about BPD. It isn't his fault that he doesn't know how serious it is, but it's time to sit down either with a therapist, or just the two of you and really start explaining to him what some of the personality traits are in BPD patients. It isn't just a "sad" faze or just a depressed stage, it's something that constantly needs work and can really wear out you (I'm sure you know this already) but can also have a great impact on your attitude toward him. He needs to be better educated about this personality disorder to better understand you and start realizing that this is seriously, it isn't just a depressive state or that it will go away. I am actually glad that you realize when you shouldn't attend such fares because alcohol along with drugs, gambling are self-damaging impulsive behaviors especially in people with BPD.

What I think could be helpful to you and your husband is perhaps going on a BPD forum link removed and also buying the following books so he can better understand your reasons but also better understand you Stop Walking on Eggshells, I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality, Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. Actually if you're interested I have the Stop Walking on eggshells workbook (not the actual book itself) and Sometimes I Act crazy in PDF form. If you would like to read these books or have your husband read them please PM me and I can e-mail these to you.

[Cheetarah]

SayWhen, I have BPD as well and find that most people don't understand it and what I need to do for myself when I am feeling the way I do.

 

If you are prone to overindulgence and feel like going to one of those events will be detrimental to your emotional state - Don't go. I have a problem with alcohol and while my therapist had been encouraging me to learn moderation rather than total avoidance, I don't purposefully put myself in a situation like that when my mood is really out of sorts. Your obligation sounds like a boundary issue and these become really magnified during our episodes - link removed While it's not good to keep staying home, could you and your husband make a plan together to attend something not so high key, given the way you feel right now?

[SayWhen]

I actually have never had an alcohol problem but I was addicted to painkillers, bulimic and self-harming. Essentially, everytime I felt depressed, angry or upset I'd respond with one of those "coping mechanisms.". I was always embarrassed by my behavior but I couldn't control myself so on my 18th birthday I sought counseling and I have been still going once in awhile though my therapist and I agreed I did not need regular counseling anymore. I no longer meet all of the diagnostic criteria like I once did and I actually can control my emotions most of the time which is an amazing feeling. Unfortunately I still fall into funks and whenever I tell my husband he always blames himself. He says if I am depressed he must not be making me happy enough which is NOT TRUE!! I tell him this but he never lets it just be what it is...depression. I did tell him today how I'm feeling and he blamed himself yet again. That just ups the guilt factor for me and makes me want to shut him out from such emotions....which I also told him. He told me if "I'm feeling this way we should just stay home" which is not what I want! I have tons of BPD literature but he isn't really interested because he doesn't think it's a real disorder. I think he feels that in normal life if someone has everything they need/want they should be happy...but my emotions don't correlate like that sadly. I am going to try to go out and focus on just being with him so that I can hopefully put this episode behind me but it's hard. He is a really caring man, I think he just gets really upset when he can't make me happy. I feel a little better after writing this...thank you ENA.

[livelarge]

He says if I am depressed he must not be making me happy enough...

 

How does that not drive you crazy? I suffer from depression and that kind of guilt trip would piss me off. Has your husband read anything on BPD? Anything at all? I have a friend that suffers from it and even with reading all the books, I still don't fully understand what he goes through. But I do try to relate to him based on the way he processes information and emotions which is vastly different from the way that I do.

 

I wish I knew what advice to give you. I think your husband needs a better understanding of what depression really is. It's not a sadness brought on by the lack of "fun events" in one's life. And it's not his responsibility to make you happy, it's yours. He shouldn't be making you feel guilty for feeling depressed, that doesn't help. I can totally understand not wanting to share your feelings with him after he hits you with those kinds of statements. I've read the Eggshells books and they are very good. Perhaps buying them for your husband would help?

[Marah]

Not much advice to offer, but I hope you are feeling better very soon.

[Cheetarah]

Maybe your husband should read the Separation of Stuff, then.

 

Do you two have enmeshment issues, generally speaking?

[SayWhen]

We did go out for a few hours and it was enjoyable. We talked a bit and he is still confused about my depression, saying that if I am depressed then he must be causing it. I communicated to him that I do not feel that way, and he seemed to drop the "issue"...though that is not necessarily what I wanted as I feel no progress has been made in him understanding where I am coming from when I have an episode. We do not have enmeshment issues. I know all he wants is for us to have a good life together, and I want that as well, and I am happy 99% of the time but every few months depression hits and I cannot escape it until it dissipates naturally. It is a chemical problem and now that I am not on any medications, it is hard to control when it does come around. Right now we are watching TV and soon we will be getting ready for bed...things are good...I just want him to understand where I am coming from but if he is not willing to learn and understand what BPD is, then it will be an issue every time I become episodic...