Husband and Video Games....ugh PLEASE HELP!

[wowjhulina]

So here is a little history: (sorry it might be long )

My husband and I met almost 3 years ago on World of Warcraft. We started a long distance relationship, and eventually we got together in person. After a while (things were working out quite nicely) I moved accross the country to be with him. We got engaged and this whole time, we were playing WOW (didn't have a problem with it then). In November 2010, I got pregnant (still playing WOW here), but by Feb/March I was having problems sitting for long periods of time (not to mention WoW had gotten so boring that husband quit and started playing something else). Also, we don't have a computer at our house, so we have to go to his family business location to game (a 15 min drive). So I gave up video games. I figured "hey, I'm becoming a parent...It's not good for me to sit for long periods of time anyway...so WTH?" However, this notion has not caught on with my (now...married in April) husband. He still insists on playing a game (not necessarily WoW, but always something similar). If he isn't allowed to play his game, he gets upset. He swears by the fact that he spends so much time doing stuff for other people (I think he means me here) that this playing games has become the only thing that he does for himself. He and I argue about this every weekend! Instead of wanting to prepare for the imminent arrival of our child (whose room is NOT ready....due in August. Husband won't let me buy things yet.), he wants to sit on his a$$ and play this game for 4 HOURS STRAIGHT. Not broken into pieces so that I could handle it better. He wants this 4 hours on one of the weekend days. However, he sometimes asks for 2-3 hours on some of the weeknights too.

 

My question is: How can I get my husband to understand that his days of playing video games are coming to an end and I need him more and more each day to be there for me and for our baby (eventually)? Is it just pregnancy hormones, am I overreacting? If so, how can I keep this to myself when it bothers me so bad? PLEASE HELP.

[Oneironaut]

Well, I met my long-distance boyfriend in Final Fantasy XI, and while I sympathize with your problem, I liken it to meeting a smoker at a smoking convention, then becoming upset later when he refuses to give up smoking. I don't think it's right for you to insist his "days of playing video games are coming to an end"...I know lots of parents who play video games.

 

All things in moderation...he needs to find a happy medium. You'll just have to compromise; sit him down and tell him that you wouldn't dream of asking him to give up his games entirely, but, you need help with getting the room ready, and help around the house, or whatever.

 

Either way, I highly suggest you don't attempt to make him give up the games entirely. You will most likely fail.

[wowjhulina]

It was never my intention to imply that I'm making him give up video games. I love games...just not for hours at a time like I used to. His suggestion of a "compromise" is the 4 hours. Mine was to break it into bits so I wouldn't have to sit as long, but he insists he needs the 4 hours...at the very least.

 

Edit: When I said "days of playing.. coming to an end" I just meant the way he's playing now. Because, honestly, I don't know how things are going to work out with the baby and traveling to "The Office" to play this stupid game. And I understand that I won't until this baby comes...

[dramallama]

Oneitonaut, is right. You knew this guy's video game habits before you got into a relationship with him. I think 1 - 2 hours per day is reasonable, but things like housework, cooking, love-making and other things that need to be done should come first and should be made priority. However, WOW is so addictive, as well as similar games. The game never ends so it just goes on and on. A lot of those players are either on there all the time, or they have to go cold turkey. There has to be a time where he realises that he has adult responsibilities now and if he can't play it for only one hour per day, perhaps he is one of those people that shouldn't play it at all.

[mouseno4]

Greetings Blood Elf Warlock (kinda looks like it in the avatar).

 

I have a unique perspective on this. I have played wow since BC (pretty sure you know what that means). And to be able to honestly and completely do something besides that, requires you prioritise it. No, it does not mean you need to put yourself in between him and his games.

 

What you need to do - you said he quit wow - is set aside the time he wants to play, to a set time after X job is done. Allocate the time that he wants to occur after something else that HE knows is important. Once that is done, you need to BE happy with the fact that X is done, and that he has his time to play his game.

 

I am a long time gamer. And the SINGLE BIGGEST problem with games and real life, is MMO's. No they are not bad or horrible. Exactly the opposite. They are too MUCH fun. So much so it becomes VERY easy to devote your life to it. And yes people have in fact done just that. And it isnt just the guys who totally and completely lose sight of themselves. Girls can and have dove in head first, ass last.

 

Weeks, months YEARS later, their boyfriends/girlfriends/family/friends finally uncover them again.

 

Oh here is a VERY effective trick that works wonders. Guilt trip. If he plays an MMO and he is part of a guild kind of group. When he isnt home/looking, log onto his character and have a nice happy chat to his guild mates. Tell them exactly how happy you are at being pregnant with your husband/owner of the character's child. Tell them how soon you are to launch date. Tell them, how much work will be involved in being prepared for the child. Then leave it at that. Log off. Once half his guild knows ... let the 'action' begin the next time. This can be a little cruel - but it is ONE HELL of a wake up call that his guild can give him.

[Oneironaut]

It was never my intention to imply that I'm making him give up video games. I love games...just not for hours at a time like I used to. His suggestion of a "compromise" is the 4 hours. Mine was to break it into bits so I wouldn't have to sit as long, but he insists he needs the 4 hours...at the very least.

 

Edit: When I said "days of playing.. coming to an end" I just meant the way he's playing now. Because, honestly, I don't know how things are going to work out with the baby and traveling to "The Office" to play this stupid game. And I understand that I won't until this baby comes...

 

Ah, OK, I did misunderstand your comment about his video playing days coming to an end. I was just looking at it from a gamer's POV...heck, I'm playing FFXI right now in the background, while I peruse this forum.

 

It's true that video games are addictive...sadly, there aren't too many ways of forcing someone else to give up an addiction, as I learned when I tried to make my ex-husband quit smoking. You may have to consider starting to put your foot down entirely, and refusing to go to "The Office" for 4 hour gaming sessions. Is there any way you can stay home or go for a walk or just do something else?

[wowjhulina]

Haha, you read me right mouseno4 Belf warlock I am

 

Yes, he quit WoW...and went to EQ. I'm sure you know what that means. So basically (if you don't know what that means O.O) he's still playing WoW...just...um...older lol

 

In any case: He thinks that playing the game is more important that anything else...due to the fact that he "takes this time to wrap his head around doing chores"

 

argh.

[wowjhulina]

Ah, OK, I did misunderstand your comment about his video playing days coming to an end. I was just looking at it from a gamer's POV...heck, I'm playing FFXI right now in the background, while I peruse this forum.

 

It's true that video games are addictive...sadly, there aren't too many ways of forcing someone else to give up an addiction, as I learned when I tried to make my ex-husband quit smoking. You may have to consider starting to put your foot down entirely, and refusing to go to "The Office" for 4 hour gaming sessions. Is there any way you can stay home or go for a walk or just do something else?

 

I could...but either way, I'm bored out of my skull or I have to do all the cleaning myself. Cleaning all by myself (due to a slight OCD) is quite intensive and hard to do when your 7 months preggers.

[HeartGoesOn]

With a baby on the way, I hope he's responsible enough to be holding a job? Where is he finding all this time to be playing video games?

[wowjhulina]

Family business. Which he stresses and cares a lot about. I'm not worried about his job.

[mouseno4]

At least give what i suggested a try. Yes i know EQ2.

[DN]

Why is four hours on a weekend a lot? Many people spend that amount of time on a hobby or a game - golfers especially. It seems because you lost interest and it became uncomfortable for you to sit that long you expect him to forgo the game as well.

[mouseno4]

Why is four hours on a weekend a lot? Many people spend that amount of time on a hobby or a game - golfers especially. It seems because you lost interest and it became uncomfortable for you to sit that long you expect him to forgo the game as well.

 

It isnt the time that is the problem. It is the timING. MMO'S have guilds - large groups of friends who group up together at a very specific time to participate in a group event. Everyone must attend. If that time just happens to be one of the only available times to do X job in the childs room... it becomes a big problem.

 

Trust me on this one. I have been there. 6, 8, 10 even 12 hours a day playing things like this. My life was passing me by, and i let it. It wasnt until i actually missed really important things that i realised what was happening (or not happening i guess). I would rather the OP's hubby not get to the point i did before waking up. Took me a long time to get back to reality.

[alli]

My first thought was the same as all the others. While I personally feel that playing video games for long periods is a complete waste of time, you DID know about this completely going in. As you said yourself, the reason you even met was because you are both gamers. Your opinion has changed, but his has not. He is the same as he was before, only now you aren't happy with it because something changed with you. If you assume when you make a decision or your opinion changes that his will change right along with it, you will be wrong a lot.

 

At the same time, you guys ARE having a baby. Both of you are going to have to compromise a lot and work a lot harder now. You guys should probably have a talk about what both of you are going to have to do- ie splitting up tasks. Also perhaps arrange for you each to have your own personal time & you try to keep it to that time frame, roughly. So if he's got a 4 hour block of time on the weekend to do whatever his favorite hobbies are, you shouldn't complain that he wasted it on video games. It's his own time. However, also make it clear that you aren't going to be sitting at home taking care of the baby & the house while he spends 2-3 nights a week away playing a game. Same as with any hobby. Make sure that when it comes time for your own personal time, you take it & go do something for yourself as well. It's kind of a balance- trying to make things feel fair for each, but also not putting each other on a leash.

[dramallama]

Is he going to make sure to make room for his video game when the baby arrives? The problem is that the game doesn't end when people have stopped playing it - their mind is somewhere else - what is my next strategy going to be? When can I next play it? etc.

[DN]

My point is that you chose to give up this game at a point when it suited you. Now you want him to give it up also when it suits you.

[dramallama]

She is 7 months pregnant, and she has said that she doesn't expect him to give up the game entirely. I think it's fair that they have a discussion that concerns the future of raising their child and prioritising.

[DN]

Providing that it doesn't come down to "I gave up the game and so should you" because that won't work. He would no doubt answer "if you still enjoyed the game you would be making time for it"

 

I don't play video games - can't be bothered. But there does seem to be this huge bias against them and those who play them. However, if someone were to spend four hours a weekend at a gym, or volunteering with a charity such as Big Brothers Big Sisters, or doing something else that other people considered 'worthwhile' then I have no doubt people would be less hostile.

 

I belong to a theatre group and sometimes there are issues between couples at the amount of time spent in rehearsals but usually they find a way round it because theatre is 'art' and therefore has a largely spurious intellectual mystique that playing video games doesn't. But the fact is that they both involve people playing at being other, usually fictitious people, and having a good 'ole time doing it.

 

p.s. babies sleep a lot.

[dramallama]

He is going to be a father, though. I think he needs to understand that his priorities need to change. I think only playing the game on the weekends, with during the week being reserved for work, helping with the baby, housework, connecting with his wife, is reasonable. But the trouble is with the WOW players is that they can't "do" moderation. They have to be on it every day for hours, or not at all. The pull of it is too strong.

[DN]

It will seem to him that the OP is using the baby as an excuse to get him to stop playing (as much) because she doesn't like it any more.

 

Four hours on a weekend playing a game is not so very much even if there is a baby on the way. People spend as much time as that on other leisure activities even with a baby in the house unless they are totally disorganised or fixated on the baby.

[dramallama]

Or, she could also be thinking about the future and how him "needing" to play the game every single night, is going to impact on her, the baby and the relationship.

[DN]

The OP didn't say 'every single night'. It was four hours on one of the weekend days and sometimes on a week night.

 

This may be negotiable but it does seem preemptive and also a sense of "I grew bored with it and so should you and because you aren't I am going to play the baby card'. I suggest that is not a good way to negotiate this.

[mouseno4]

The OP didn't say 'every single night'. It was four hours on one of the weekend days and sometimes on a week night.

 

This may be negotiable but it does seem preemptive and also a sense of "I grew bored with it and so should you and because you aren't I am going to play the baby card'. I suggest that is not a good way to negotiate this.

 

This........

[dramallama]

Ok, well, perhaps if you were the pregnant one, you would be more likely to think of the future and whether the husband is going to put the video game over his family.

 

And as I said, these games are not designed to be played in moderation. A lot of the players are all or nothing.

[mouseno4]

I know games. I have known games for 15 years. Vast majority of games out there are in fact designed to be 'pick up and play'. That is the whole point. The companies who develop them are catering every day, to the casual player. Something you can pick and play for 5 mins for 5 hours, whichever you wish.

 

The difference is the MMO's which can and will cause this problem of 'virtual over real life'.