Issue with Father-Please Help

[confused2564]

Hey Everyone,

 

I am a 25 year old girl and happen to be living home for a short time with my parents. I have always been close to my parents but one issue that I have had growing up is my father. He gets angry very easily (does not drink or do drugs) and is extremely negative. He has a negative comment for everything and even only brings up negative stories/occurrences in the world to bring everyone down. He has depression but never got treatment for it because it's such an "undiscussed" subject and nobody will ever mention it to him (without him blowing up). Lately, he has been more negative than usual and sends me multiple emails a day ("stand up straight or you will look like this" with attached photo of people with severe back problems, "you need to figure out your life", etc. etc.). I know that he is just trying to be a father but this has gone on for 25 years and I have even spoken with him about it but he still continues.

 

I am about to go to dinner with my friends and I got all dressed up and as soon as I went in the living room, he said in a really annoyed voice: "why do you always wear the exact same thing?" and then went on to say that I never use my clothes and wear the same thing all the time (which is never true). I am in my room crying now and feel like I'm about 12 years old. My older sister, who is home for a short time too, is moving out because of his attitude. They get along though, and she has never yelled at him or really stood against him. I am the only one who has ever tried to speak out about it.

 

It gets weirder. Every time I show interest in something or do something, he frantically reads about it so that he knows more than me if I try to talk about it. Then, he will try to outdo me in the conversation and prove that he knows more. He will even buy books on it.

 

He is my dad and I have always been close with him but I can't take being brought down all the time. I used to be so optimistic and he has slowly driven me down and now even I say negative things. I am so sad and sick of this. Can anyone help me?

[midnightdeirdre]

I know that he is just trying to be a father but this has gone on for 25 years and I have even spoken with him about it but he still continues.

 

First of all, if the above is true, he is never going to change. Remember he is the one dwelling in his own misery of negatively and misery, and you don't have to swim in it with him.

 

Second, my father is a lot like yours. He is very negative and gets angry at the drop of a hat. The worst his anger ever got was when I was 12. (I am 26 now, about to 27 in four months.) He's slammed down dishes in the sink, thrown ice trays accross the kitchen, yelled at us for not understanding math homework, to name a few. If I got an 85 on a test, he'd say, "It should've been a 95!" When I came home with a 100% on a test early in the school year, he goes, "One test isn't going to make your grades for the rest of the year" something stupid like that. Like your "Why do you always wear the same thing?" question, my father once got angry at me because I tended to order the same thing when we went out to eat.

 

I know it stinks & it's very painful, but I think your biggest option at this point is to move out & get some counseling to help you move on from him.

 

What about your mother? Has she ever spoken to him about his anger issues?

[catfeeder]

Being told you wear the same things when it's not true isn't anything to cry about, much less take seriously. I would have said, "Dad, I'm wearing this until it falls off me because I'm being frugal. You want me to save money so I can move out, don't you?" then I'd laugh, kiss him on his mumbling cheek and go play with my friends.

 

Let Dad roll. Make fun of yourself when possible, and whenever he won't laugh, do it for him. Create good memories.

[confused2564]

Thanks Autumnrose, he does sound a lot like mine. My father slams or throws things as well and yells every day, at least once. I think there is a big part of me that is so sad to see that idealistic image of my father slipping away as I get older; when I truly start to realize his flaws. I try to stay and somehow find a way to make it all better. But in reality, it just isn't.

 

My mother has spoken to him but he usually dismisses it or she makes up excuses for him. She says that life did not go the way he wanted it to so he has a reason to be upset. But that doesn't help anything. And it also doesn't help that he takes all of it out on us and blames us for ridiculous things. I have tried to talk to my mom about it but she makes me feel like I don't understand him or I'm a horrible person for accusing him of having issues. What makes me the most angry is that if we show any anger towards someone in the family (which actually rarely happens), it's looked down upon and you are made to feel horrible about it (my dad is good at this). But when he does it, it's somehow justified and everyone should completely ignore it and not talk back. I just hate having to walk on eggshells around him (and I know you know how this feels). Additionally, I've noticed how he has been nastier to my mom at specific times and it bothers me more than anything (much more than when he does it to me). He will even get angry if we are eating dinner together and she doesn't eat as quickly as everyone else. Or if she gets a new haircut and she asks if he likes it, he will say something like "not my favorite". I can see how much it hurts her because she always wants him to tell her that she looks nice or just get some kind of approval.

 

Catfeeder, I should have explained the context better of that situation because it stems back from a long history of similar comments. It is more the disgusted look on his face and tone. And with my father, you can't just laugh it off and kiss him on the cheek. If you tried to laugh it off, he would explode. He is just not that kind of person at all. Believe me, I have tried an infinite number of times. He is either hot or cold and in his cold moments, you can't agree with him on any level. I make fun of myself quite often; I actually do stand-up comedy and am the "jokester" among my friends. It is much different with my father. He doesn't like anything positive on any level. Even if someone tells a happy story, he is uncomfortable and will immediately switch gears to tell everyone something horribly negative. His negativity is unbelievable. You wouldn't even believe the severity of it.

[catfeeder]

If you are going to exercise your ghaad-given free will to live with someone, then presumably you can live with him. If not, make a different choice.

 

The man is not in charge of how you handle your own mind. If you charge him with that responsibility, then nobody here can talk you out of that decision--but it's yours to change at any time.