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Don't know how to deal with my ex.

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This is hard for me to talk about but here goes. I have recently broken up with my girlfriend. The circumstances of the actual break-up are complicated, I was the one that said I was going to leave, but I wanted to stay, essentially I felt like she forced me to end things. She certainly wasn’t interested in continuing our relationship.


We would have been together for nearly six years now. I won’t lie and say things were perfect but they were good for a long while, the first three years at least. The second three years were a downhill slope. It wasn’t too bad at first but it got worse. Over the last year I was feeling depressed (I found it difficult to get out of bed) and we were arguing none stop. The problems came from many areas and I won’t for a second feign innocence, at a minimum I was responsible for 50% of our problems. I tried to make up for things, but she didn’t make the same effort she just didn’t care. She later told me that she doesn’t even know if she has ever been “in-love” let alone in-love with me.


She recently reconnected (via facebook) with an old friend of hers (lets call him S). S lives some 300+ miles away and is almost completely paralysed. She would talk with him practically non-stop on the phone. She would call him in the morning when she went to go see to her horse and they would talk until she went to bed. At which point they would be texting each other through the night. By this point I was making real efforts to fix our relationship. She was supposedly helping him through his devoice so I chose to give them space. I would say things to her in the morning like, "lets have an early night tonight and watch a film together" and she would agree, and then come the night I would say "okay lets head on up I’ve done the washing up etc I’m ready". She would say “okay i'll be up in five minutes” (still on the phone) and I would head on up. Many was the time I watched a film by myself while I could hear her laughing downstairs.


Come the time of our break-up instead of spending our last week together she decided to leave me at home while she went and visited S for a week (although it turned out to be more like a week and a half). Upon her return, I discovered that while nothing had happened they had been sharing a bed “as friends”. This was the second time she had visited him in the relatively short time since they reconnected. I asked her how she would have felt if I had shared a bed with a woman if I were away and she said it wouldn't have mattered if nothing had happened. Her opinion is that if they didn't have sex they there is nothing inappropriate about it (I disagree).


She recently asked me to look after the dogs for a week while she took the kids (they aren’t biologically mine but I am their parent) to visit her mother. I said I couldn’t (I could have but I didn’t trust her not to go to S’s instead). As it turns out she spent 3 days at her mums and then drove her and our children accross the country to go stay with S. She didn’t even consult me. She knows I have/had a problem with him and is worried that I wont do right by the children (i.e. continue to be their parent) now that we have split up, but then she doesn’t treat me like their other parent anyway by doing things like this. Surly I should have had a say in whether my children went there or not? This really upset me.


She came to visit me yesterday. And we began speaking about all this. She told me she had slept with S. She then took it back saying she just wanted to gauge my reaction and see if I would still do right by the kids if she did. Apparently they have already been talking about starting a relationship (she doesn’t know if she can handle it because of his disability), this really hurt me because we have only been apart a few weeks. I asked her if he wasn't disabled if she would have already spent with him or if she would be in a relationship with him. She couldn't answer but I think that is answer enough. She then told me she had slept with a woman. When push she then said that it wasn't a woman but a man. And then she finally said that she hadn’t slept with anyone and she was just testing me to see if it made a difference weather it was with S or just with anyone.


I feel like I am being tortured by a woman who I was in love with (still am really). It’s like she’s changed from this wonderful funny woman to this horrible torturous b**ch. What is worse, is the way she behaves towards S is how she used to be with me.


I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand their relationship as it is, it makes me so angry and jealous, let alone if it progressed. If I call her and I get a busy-tone even that makes me upset now because of who she will undoubtedly be on the phone with.


I feel like just telling her to get out of my life forever. I need some advice, or at least an outsiders views.

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Depends on if you still want a relationship with her kids or not. Do you have any legal standing with them as a step parent? If you do, you will have to be in contact with her for the kids sake. You can try and minimize it as much as possible but it wuill still be there.


If you don't want contact with the children, cut her out of your life. It will make it easier for you to heal.

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