I am so frustrated, but I feel so guilty.

[flaminghair81]

I have been dating this guy since January. Fell in love with him instantly and we've been inseparable since the first week.

 

The sex between us has always been very frequent and hot and heavy. It was rare that we would go more than 2 days without sex. Kissing and touching was every day.

 

Then he had a surgery. I moved in to help take care of him in his recovery. Its now been 2 months and he avoids me like the plaque. Peck kisses, no hugs. In bed, there is a pillow between us, I used to fall asleep in his arms. He says that he does not want to get excited and not be able to perform. I am dying for physical affection. Told him that I need it, so he gave in one night and I felt like I was forcing him and it was miserable.

 

Its not just the sex. We rarely talk now. Its like I have twist his arm to get interaction with him. We used to text or email throughout the day, but its like I am bothering him if I do.

 

He swears that the feelings are still there, but it seems like every day that passes, the spark that we had fades a little more. He asks me to be patient with him, but I feel the longer we go, the more damage this is causing us. I am terrified that he will never be the man that I fell in love with again.

 

Has anyone gone through a surgery/illness with someone and come out OK or does it ruin the relationship forever?

[lana111]

oh lord that is horrible. can i ask what type of surgery he had?

[flaminghair81]

He had fluid removed from his lung. It is a pretty rough surgery, but docs said he could do pretty much anything, including sex, 2 weeks after surgery.

[lana111]

so the surgery wasnt related to his nether regions.

 

hmmm. for sure i thought i was gonna have to do with that or something that was sorta nasty.

 

is he on meds?

[oldenoughtoknow]

Is he on any new medication since the surgery? Lots of meds can mess with your libido.

 

Or, did you really "move in?" Got rid of your old place and brought in all your furniture and clothes? Maybe it was too soon and now he's feeling crowded - you've only been together 5 months.

 

Or, maybe it was too soon for him to let you see him that vulnerable, and now he sees you as a nurse or mother figure.

[flaminghair81]

He is on antibiotics for a while. He will joke about sex here and there. Swears that he wants it and plans to "tare it up" once he feels better. I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel of when he will feel better at this point.

 

His idea to move in. We were already planning to move in together this summer, just happened 2 months early.

 

The vulnerable thing, he refused to have nurses help him in the hospital, so I did. I helped him go to the bathroom, shower and even wipe! I was actually scared that it would kill the way I see him, but I've been able to overcome that.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I don't know of any antibiotics that can effect libido, but that doesn't mean they aren't out there. Try googling his specific med. If you had to wipe him and had some worrisome moments, imagine how he feels about it. You might want to mull that one over a bit. This sounds like a pretty serious procedure. Is he otherwise feeling okay and back to his normal energy level? Keep in mind, even if he's back to work, getting through the day may take all the energy he has for right now.

 

This is a good sized bump in the road for a young relationship. I've had two SO's with chronic pain/illnesses that would debilitate them for days at a time, and after a few cycles, it does put a strain on the relationship. This should be a temporary and one time thing. If he's saying he feels the same way about you and is asking for you to be patient, I would give him some more time. But you are wise to be aware of his recovery progress and how he's functioning in the rest of his life. This may or may not be about you.

[flaminghair81]

So I am even more upset and confused.

 

We're moving into a house to give us more space since his kids are now living with us, and on Saturday he spent 2 hours mowing the lawn, a push mower, in 95 degree heat. He was really tired afterwards, but bounced back really well. He said his arms and legs were a little sore the next day, but he felt good and was glad he did it to see that he was able to do normal things again.

 

So Sunday, I decided to give him a bj as a wake up present in hopes that it would start encouraging him to be intimate with me now that he knows he can handle that much physical activity. Yesterday, I started around 9AM dropping hints that I wanted him. Texted him I was wearing a thong, which was a trigger in the past for him, even sent him a picture. Someone has been messing with the packing tape and he again accused me of doing it, I told him he'd know if it were me because I would be using it to tie him down in bed and have my way with him. That he could spank me that night if wanted to punish someone for messing with the tape. From all of that, I got no response from him back in any playful manner. So I bluntly asked, "do you think you will feel up to spending some quality time with me tonight" and then I had no response for the rest of the day from him.

 

I get home, he looked bummed out, really acted like he did not want to talk. So we, him the kids and I, went to the new house to move some more boxes and unpack some stuff, and I decided that if he did not want to talk, I was not going to waste my breath. I was upset that he did not respond at all to what I had asked, but whatever. He then picks up that I am not OK and starts bugging me to talk about whats wrong. Finally told him that I don't like when he does not respond to my questions.

 

He said I put him on the spot. That at 1:00 he does not want to agree to have sex because that is like putting it on a planner as a routine activity. He has actually done that to me MANY times which I pointed out. He said it was different. He said he did not know how he would be able to handle having sex, his side still hurts from surgery. That he really wants to have sex. I told him that he mowed the grass for 2 hours in the heat, he could give me 5 minutes in bed. Then, like usual, we got interrupted by a kid, so the conversation had to end.

 

After we got home, I took a shower. After I was done, he then took a shower. That gave me hope. Since I have to go to work and he's still on medical leave, I go to bed around 10. I rub his leg and say I am going to bed. He looks at me and says OK. More hope was given because usually he tells me he loves me and goodnight. I go back to the room and wait. 10 minutes pass and he's not come back yet. So, I make up an excuse to go back into the living room and go to kiss him. I ask if he is coming back, and he just looks at me like I spoke a different language. I asked him if he was going to answer me or not, and his response was "sigh, I guess I'll come back there". That shattered me. I told I don't want him to do something he does not want to do, and I went back to the room in tears. He followed.

 

I laid there in bed crying and told me not to get upset. I told him that we've already talked about this. Intimacy is not always about sex. Its about closeness and physical closeness. I am dying for more than just a peck of a kiss. It honestly is depressing me that I sleep next to someone who barely touches me. He says again that he wants it, but is not sure how he will be able to handle it. That he loves me, it has nothing to do with me and to stop being upset.

 

My thing is, if someone really wants something, they do whatever they have to do to get it, right? And again, its not just sex that I am thirsting for, its a long kiss, its his arms around me, its his hands touching me. Its the flirting in texts through out the day. I miss it so much and I don't know if I can keep going without it. We were so connected before sexually and now we're not. Everything else in our relationship is good, but this could end up killing it. I understand if he feels he cannot perform, but why can't you give me other things I am asking for that will still tell me that you want me? I am an emotional wreck today because of this. How do I overcome this personally where I don't destroy my relationship and go into depression?

[swampyankee]

No need to feel guilty. If a relationship has been intimate and has been sexually satisfying, you have every right to feel like you've lost something if that inexplicably changes.

 

Is it possible that he is on some medication during his recovery that kills his libido?

 

You mention he is still on medical leave. I assume that means he is home all day, pretty much by himself. I don't want to add any suspicion to your frustration, but could it be that he is seeing someone during the daytime? If so, that could explain why he has withdrawn his affection from you. In situations where people are having affairs and such, withdrawing affection and refusal of sex is a classic sign of someone having an affair.

[flaminghair81]

He really listened and realized how much it was hurting me. I go to work before he gets up, so after he got up, I had texts and e-mails telling me good morning. I was still upset so I responded when I had the time instead of right away like usual. I could tell from his fast responses and him telling me he loved me in the responses, he knew I was upset.

 

When I got home, he was very affectionate, touching me and hugging me. I went to the grocery store and when I got back he had the kids go watch a movie in their room and asked me to come to the bedroom, shut and locked the door behind me.

 

No, he's not seeing someone else, he's with his kids all day. I really think he had it in his head it would hurt too bad or he'd not be as good. Now he knows that he can still perform and hopefully won't be standoffish anymore.

[swampyankee]

Yay! Glad to hear you had a breakthrough! It's amazing how a little caring, affection and intimacy can transform your mood and your relationship.

 

Someone once said that relationship problems are a result of no sex more often than no sex is a result of relationship problems.

[MakeItCount]

Did he lose physical size after his surgery? I know from experience that can really put a damper on things. Be patient, it sounds like he still cares for you. Try and stop bugging him Bout it if you can. He's probably low on self esteem and believe me, it's a huge deal for us guys and our libido.

[flaminghair81]

It was all about him being afraid he would not be able to preform the way that he wanted to. He's always been very focused on making our bedroom sessions very enjoyable for me. He takes his time making sure that I am fully warmed up and feeling good before going in for the kill.

 

So, his way of avoiding having to face whether or not he could preform, he just did not touch me.

 

I understand that he is still sore and has pain in his rib area. But going from not keeping his hands off of me before the surgery to almost being terrified to touch me was the hardest thing for me to deal with. As much as I tried to reason with myself that he was hurting, I could not help but question if it was me that was the problem, that he was no longer attracted to me or something.

 

I've told him a few times before Monday that it was not sex that I needed, it was him putting his arms around me again or giving me a passionate kiss. The affectionate side of him that I missed.

 

Since Tuesday, he has been much better about this, been more affectionate. He can still perform, yes a little slower and has to adjust positioning to not cause pain in his ribs, but it was absolutely wonderful to be in his arms again. He's feeling better and better each day, less pain. Things will get somewhat back to normal, its going to take time. I've been by his sides from the beginning and I don't plan to leave it either. We just need to be able to continue to communicate about things and each others needs.