How my views changed after my ex came back

[jumper11]

I have changed my entire outlook on relationships and humans and how we work after my ex came back over 2 months ago and I ended up saying no after thinking I'd always say yes.

 

All the advice on this forum will help you move on. But there are some slight things I don't necessarily always agree with, after my experience.

 

1) I DO believe NC will help you move on, and you WILL move on. BUT - I don't believe that you have to wait for any blunt magic words " I WANT YOU NOW" - they're magic words for a reason - life doesn't work that way unless you are dealing with a blunt, straightforward ex. If you are in a good enough state of mind, and after some NC, you look at their personality and you can gauge how they would honestly act. In my case, and I knew this, my ex would say everything BUT simple words. He would literally write novels saying everything but I WANT YOU NOW, even though, he DID want me NOW. Think, in an emotional period would your ex beat around the bush or be blunt? Or not care? If you really know your ex, you'd be surprised how easy you may be able to answer this one. Sure, it'd be great if they were all blunt, but everyone has a personality and reacts differently.

 

*****You can only be able to make a clear observation after some time in NC, though, and after repeated contact from the ex...*****

 

 

2) Secondly, they will continue to message if they want you. Mine did for 2 months straight without a peep from me. Take all the advice from this forum, but when you get to that clearer emotional state, and you'll know when you're there, I recommend listening to yourself - this also helps you move on whether your ex wants you back or not because there's a point where you must guide YOURSELF.

 

3) Thirdly, moving on is a win-win for YOU and your LIFE, but not for a future with the person necessarily even when they want you - hear me out- there's sort of this window that opens where you are more healthy yet would still take back an ex. That's GREAT. However, you go too far down the road and it's done.. in my case it was. He was literally only a few weeks too late coming back, where I suddenly felt differently, in terms of moving on it's almost like a switch goes off, one day you are pining for them, and the next, you might love them but can't go back.

 

***I pressed on too far knowing he wanted me thinking I would always have the decision to go back, like it's "win-win" as said on here. It's not actually like that.***

 

Basically what I am saying is people are people and we all work simply after a while, we all need to survive and move on and live.

 

I know how and why I said no to my ex and it's pretty basic and pretty animalistic and not a comforting feeling to know that, to be honest. I don't feel unique in my experience. I'm just saying it's not all a win-win if you press on too far you don't just get the decision to go back, you've just gone too far down the road. At the time when he came back, a part of me wanted to go back but I literally physically couldn't do it. I was too far gone.

STILL do NC, STILL move on, but know that by the time if they come back you might still want them but can't go back anymore. It's not so simple as you've moved on and now can choose- once given the decision, it's much more than that, and A LOT more complicated.

 

By the way this happened over 2 months ago, so I am just giving my perspective on the whole thing, this didn't happen to me yesterday. I just think there's a time you have to think for yourself if you really know the person and when you are certain you are more healed, dont use my post as an excuse to contact, I am not suggesting that. Use NC as a starting point but don't get so hung up on day this and day that and adding them up and getting so deep in NC .. do it until you get to that better frame of mind and go from there.

 

I think you should listen to yourself after you've honestly healed enough.

[lucasky]

Solid advice! One thing that I see preached here A LOT is that if someone really wants you back, they'll come out and say "I want you back". It just isn't like that for some people - probably not most people. So you can't use that idea as a gauge as to how much your ex misses you or wants you back.

 

I think you're also right about NC and not... counting the days etc. I've found in the past that when I stopped counting days - that's when I really let go. Counting days is just like... prolonging a focus on the breakup.

 

I've had ex's come back - and you're right - even if some small part of you is inclined to think "I win! I got you back! Victory!" a larger - much larger - part of you will probably just be too far gone to care about reconciling. Ahhh the beauty of healing.

 

Yes, get a better frame of mind and go from there. And yes listen to yourself at some point. You can't cling to the general advice of these forums forever.

 

Still, NC (even if you're counting days) is progress from pure despair and hurt. Sometimes, before we can stand on our own again, we need these rules and systems because we need something to cling to.

[WeightOffChest]

This is a solid post.

 

I've said it before. Getting your ex back is like a dog chasing a car - you wouldn't even know what to do with it if you caught it.

 

A question though: was your ex in a rebound relationship? Did that factor in your decision not to get back?

[jumper11]

I basically feel had I listened to myself when I still wanted him more we would have reconciled but I just kept going NC.. you have to trust your gut when youre good enough to do so. I'm seeing someone and think things are for the best right now but if I've learned anything , it's that my gut was right and I wasn't listening to myself enough, I kept asking people who didn't even know my ex.

 

I don't think he was in a rebound.. I know he met someone but didn't care for her too much, but I didn't find out until long after he wanted me.. it didn't affect my decision. I literally just couldn't get myself to go back.. it feels wrong understanding how we as humans work and move on.

 

Lucasky I understand what you mean about counting days and youre right, but I was more so referring to how it almost becomes a game, day 70! day 99! .. After a point, it seems the whole meaning gets lost you know?

[Live-N-Learn]

I've said it before. Getting your ex back is like a dog chasing a car - you wouldn't even know what to do with it if you caught it.

 

Thanks for the laugh!!! I think I was chasing a dump truck! hahaha

[thisoneguy]

This was inspiring! Thank you!

[pisceslover]

I think you're also right about NC and not... counting the days etc. I've found in the past that when I stopped counting days - that's when I really let go. Counting days is just like... prolonging a focus on the breakup.

 

 

I agree with this part wholeheartedly. To some extent, I feel being on this forum also prolongs focus on the break up. I am always more depressed and sad when I come here. I come less frequently than I did before and I have posted about wanting to see more positive messages in the gbt section. There are some great messages of hope and inspiration but many more that just break one's spirit. I don't always need the additional dose of reality - that the past relationship is gone. I experience that reality everyday with startling fiercity (if that is a word!)

[MasterPo]

Wow. That part about listening to yourself is so true. Sometimes it seems like the fight between your heart and common sense goes on for days. I clung to hope for so long maybe its my stupid nature. She eventually did try to make contact through email but I had had enough and settled for the healing. Never broke NC, something I am proud of and will forever wonder about. I still love her but there has to better, all that suffering must have a reward and I'm at the very edge of heartbreak. I hope. One more step and it will be over. It was a long rough road but it is almost over and it will be for you as well.

[flnazrael]

OP, great post.

 

Can you share the time frames involved? (Length of the relationship, length of NC, etc.)

[jumper11]

5 year relationship, 2 months of doing everything wrong (though he thinks it was NC, oddly), we met up, then 2 months pure NC with an NC message, then in those 60 or so days, over 40 forms of contact, which is a lot, then I finally had to step in then I got a phone call.

 

Problem is all I wanted was the phone call for those 4-5 months.. He thinks he was reaching out in his own way, looking back, yes it was obvious, but at the time I was so rolled up in NC and didn't want to be hurt.

 

Thanks a lot everyone.. it's definitely been quite the journey. I feel like I am good now, one of the hardest things when you say no is that you know you're getting what you thought you always wanted, and you're saying no. It's a weird feeling.

[WeightOffChest]

In an odd way, I hope I will go through what you went through, even though I currently hope to get back with my ex.

[flnazrael]

5 year relationship, 2 months of doing everything wrong (though he thinks it was NC, oddly), we met up, then 2 months pure NC with an NC message, then in those 60 or so days, over 40 forms of contact, which is a lot, then I finally had to step in then I got a phone call.

 

Problem is all I wanted was the phone call for those 4-5 months.. He thinks he was reaching out in his own way, looking back, yes it was obvious, but at the time I was so rolled up in NC and didn't want to be hurt.

 

Thanks a lot everyone.. it's definitely been quite the journey. I feel like I am good now, one of the hardest things when you say no is that you know you're getting what you thought you always wanted, and you're saying no. It's a weird feeling.

 

So ultimately, were your reasons for rejecting him related to how he handled the post breakup period, or to things you realized about him/the relationship during all the space you had?

 

I am in NC with my ex right now, and deep down I do want her back. I'm afraid that I will wait too long and the window will close (we only dated 8 months but it was pretty intense). I broke up with her, but it was because of doubts she was having about us, and it was probably going to be her if not me.

 

I initiated NC about 2 weeks ago (we broke up a month ago), and plan on breaking it early next month, after she is done with her board exams, to have some friendly chat and possibly meet to catch up (no relationship talk unless she initiates it).

[italiannmf24]

This is a great post. I've definitely come a long way since the ex although she hasn't come back in any way, shape or form I don't care anymore.

 

I've learned that life is too short to allow others to control and fiddle with your emotions. I know I couldn't go back now considering she's just not my type and we've grown as different human beings now.

 

Good thread.

[jumper11]

Yes, a lot of it was the post-break up AND realizations about the relationship and what he had to say after the fact - he said he wanted me the whole time but from what I recall, that isn't how it went based on how he showed it. I don't love him less but the love has changed slightly - I just can't be with him right now.

 

I'd break NC when you get to that calmer emotional state (hard to explain but I knew when I was there) but your situation is so different than mine, so. I did 2 months NC and knew I could contact.

 

I still don't know the future, all I know is this is right for right now. His whole family even supports my decision. I think at least for now, I can say I love him but he isn't enough for me at the moment. You can love someone, but they aren't always right for you. I learned going back would do more for him than me, and it should be more balanced than that. He's still waiting for me, wants me to pursue this new guy and do what I have to do now, him putting deadlines and pressuring only pushed me away so I guess he is trying to do the right thing.

[Jeffrey01]

Interesting post! I have to say, I'm kind of (almost) in the same position. I've wanted my ex back for the most part of the last year. I heard from her a few months ago, and mistook that as an attempt at reconciling, and as a result, scared her off. Still no idea what her intentions were. Anyway, I'm finally finding myself getting out there, meeting some new people etc. I find myself thinking, what if I meet someone who is a good fit? In the past I would have thought, oh I won't let it get that far, I'm holding out for the ex. Now I actually find myself leaning towards moving forward. It feels good, but at the same time, as you mentioned, it feels like I'm finally closing the window on the feelings I had for her. Liberating in one way, but sad in another.

[jumper11]

Yeah, its a scary thing when the window is closing and you can't control it.. but we're human, we have to live on. I feel one day I could go back maybe but by then it would be too late probably. I know he's doing really badly.

[Brownstone322]

One thing that I see preached here A LOT is that if someone really wants you back, they'll come out and say "I want you back". It just isn't like that for some people - probably not most people. So you can't use that idea as a gauge as to how much your ex misses you or wants you back.

I've always been the anti-preacher of that idea. Where do people even get that?

[flnazrael]

Yeah, its a scary thing when the window is closing and you can't control it.. but we're human, we have to live on. I feel one day I could go back maybe but by then it would be too late probably. I know he's doing really badly.

 

Jumper,

 

Maybe you and my ex are in the same place.

 

She has told me all the following things:

 

- I would have found reasons to push anyone away right now

- losing you will be the biggest regret of my life

- I don't think I will find anyone who will be as good to me as you were

- I'm angry at myself that this happened now because I know I could have something perfect with you

 

 

As a guy, I am sitting there banging my head against the wall like, "Then why don't we just stay together? * * * ?!" We think in black and white. And of course all my guy friends say, "There's no way she's telling the truth. If she loved you then she'd just be with you. She's making excuses and trying to soften the blow."

 

I'm trying to give her more credit and open up to the concept that a woman can be in love with someone but just not be ready to open her heart again or be in a very stressful place in her life.

 

 

 

I think the last line of your post is interesting as well. Do you think your feelings toward your ex would be different if he was clearly OK and moving on, instead of waiting around for you?

[flnazrael]

I've always been the anti-preacher of that idea. Where do people even get that?

 

Not disagreeing with you, but can you point me to some good discussions or posts about that here? As a guy (black and white thinking again), it seems that if the dumper wants you back bad enough, they will humble themselves, come accross the divide, and fight for you.

[dramallama]

jumper, I would say that NC has been very successful in your case. It's given you the ability to step back and ask yourself, "wait a minute. Was this relationship even working for ME?" Because if someone is going to choose not to be with you, as hard as it is, you may as well see it as an opportunity to pull things way back and reflect on whether it was working for you.

 

And as for your ex not coming out and telling you that he wanted to be with you, even after you spelled it out to him that he needs to, personally I couldn't be with someone that played games like that. If they want to be with me - stop messaging me useless crap and say it! It's like their ego is more important than my need to know what they are getting at.

[dramallama]

flnazrael - your friends are right. She's telling you that she "wishes" she could be with you, but she is CHOOSING not to make that happen. If she really thought you were the love of her life, she wouldn't risk letting someone else realise how great you are. It's really very simple.

[flnazrael]

flnazrael - your friends are right. She's telling you that she "wishes" she could be with you, but she is CHOOSING not to make that happen. If she really thought you were the love of her life, she wouldn't risk letting someone else realise how great you are. It's really very simple.

 

Hurts but I'm sure you're right.

 

I see women talk about things like this as if they're actually true (just look at this thread!) and it makes me wonder if she is actually telling me the truth.

 

The only thing that makes me want to believe her is that she had only been out of a 2 year relationship with a guy she wanted to marry, about 4-5 months when she met me. It was a rebound even though she didn't realize it, and when she realized that we were getting serious in our own right, all that unresolved pain from her past came back and shut her down emotionally, pushing me away.

 

Another problem is that she may very well have to move away for 3 years for her medical residency within a year. I think a large part of her feels like she literally have to choose between love and her career. when I asked her why she wasn't afraid to marry her ex, she said, "because I was naive." Strange comment.

[dramallama]

Remember, someone can miss you/love you/want to talk to you, but wanting to be WITH you and take action to make that happen is a totally different story.

 

If she truly wanted to be with you, she'd had instead said something like, "look, I just need time to work through the past. I will contact you in a few months to let you know where I stand. During that time it's best if we are not in contact, but I will let you know one way or another whether I want to be with you or not." But she didn't. She said that she "wishes" things were different, as if she is unable to change things. The least you deserve is the truth, but you have to read between the lines. If someone wants to be with you, they won't hit you with a bunch of babble - they will just take action to make it happen.

[flnazrael]

She has said a few things like that... that she's confused and needs time, and that being alone would let her know what she really wants. She said she would "come back for" me. Yet she has also said things that make me question that.

 

Ah, women.

 

BTW, I expanded on my previous post while you were writing. Added some info. I appreciate your input.

[dramallama]

But when is she going to come back for you? If she hasn't told you that, then don't count on it.

 

It's like the different between someone saying, "I need a break right now. I just need to be alone for 10 weeks. I don't expect you to wait for me during that time, but I would just like to have zero contact so that I can sort myself out. I will definitely let you know what is happening by the end of that time, as soon as I've made my decision as to what is happening between us."

 

Compared to... "I wish things could be different. I hope we cross paths again one day and are able to be together..."

 

Do you see the difference?

 

Yeah, "space", "finding myself" almost always leads to a break up or IS a break up anyway. So let them have more space than an astronaut. It will get you out of your misery quicker.