Would it sound wrong if I said this to him?

[curious987]

Okay so I've already posted a thread about my situation.

 

My ex bf broke up with me, about 6.5 weeks ago.

 

He said he 'lost some feelings for me'. I think this is greatly due to our lack of physical intimacy. After weeks of reflecting on our relationship, I really didn't show me enough affection. We didn't have sex regularly at all. I'm a bit ashamed to say this....but it hadn't happened for 2 months prior to the break up

 

I want him back. I think its natural to lose those 'romantic' feelings for a partner when you lack that physical closeness. It makes it feel more like a great friendship than 'relationship', which is what he said.

 

Now.....I don't want to seem desperate. Because this is not what it's about. But for us to become close again, and maintain that closeness, we need to have more sex. Simple as that. We're both thinkin it, no ones sayin it.

 

Would it seem like bad form if we talked about it, and I said "I think we should try again....and increase our closeness. We weren't having enough sex. And I think that was our downfall".

 

I don't want to sound like a s....l.....u....t. BUT....it's the truth! We were missing that! And it's vital!

 

Thoughts?

[curious987]

I really didn't show HIM** enough affection, is what I meant to say.

[iBroken]

You dont know that lack of intimacy or affection was what caused him to change his feelings. That may have contributed to it, but that may not have been the entire reason.

 

It seems that many on this board jump to their own conclusions about why things didnt work. So unless he specifically and ONLY said to you "Im leaving because there isnt enough sex, and you arent affectionate enough", I wouldnt go back and offer more sex.

 

Besides, lets get realistic - sex drives and number of times intimacy occurs dwindles throughout the course of any relationship....so you will find yourself back in this spot again IF that was the only reason he left.

[curious987]

Well......honestly, I don't think I have a very high sex drive. And to be honest with you, I didn't often 'crave' it, but once we started, I would really enjoy it and love being close with him It always felt so good the next day. We really did feel more connected. Also.....a HUGE role (and possibly the biggest) in the lack of sex, is my confidence. I am very self-conscious. I found it hard to believe that he found me attractive. But I'm working through my confidence issues now. He also has confidence issues. Which is why I think he felt he couldn't talk to me about it.

 

We don't live together. We both live at home with our families. We have been together for 18 months.....but we were pretty much dating for a whole year before that as well. We just weren't 'official'.

 

And no we never had regular sex. We just never got in that routine of things.

 

I think we both needed to be more open about our wants and needs....I know he wanted it more......but didn't wanna be pushy. I know I wanted it more, but felt shy and self-conscious. But because it's something that we both really do want, I think we can work through it. I love him, and I want to share myself with him. I knew he felt the same. It's just I think he thought I didn't wanna do it because he thought I lost interest in him. But it wasn't him....it was me

[Live-N-Learn]

Your relationship in bed is only as good as your relationship out of bed. Many people cut back on intimacy because the connection out of bed is not what it used to be. Sex is a short term fix for the real problems in the relationship.

[curious987]

When he broke up with me.....he said there were three main reasons why he lost interest.

 

1. He would have liked to have had sex more than once a month.

2. He said I seemed unhappy in the relationship.

3. He was insecure about other guys coming onto me, and felt he was going to lose me.

 

So basically, he just felt unappreciated. And I don't blame him. But he could have put these things to me BEFORE he broke up. He's not good at communicating, and finds confrontation extremely daunting.

 

I would have made a point of putting more effort into a relationship. And I will prove that to him. I want to have sex with him....and by him saying he 'wants to have sex with me', honestly, that in itself is going to make me want him. But he's just not pushy and open enough. I want to know when he wants me. It would have been nice to hear

 

Yes I know I seemed stressed and unhappy. I was a bit depressed due to work, as I felt I was getting a hard time off my boss. My uni course hadn't worked out for me, so I was stuck with trying to find something new and that wasn't happening for me. There was a lot on my mind. But again, it wasn't him. And I know I should not have let those stresses affect our relationship, and in the future, I will try to keep them separate from our relationship, and when I'm with him, I will focus on HIM and try to put these things aside. I'm prepared to work on how to cope with stress.

 

I think that the 'other guys' thing is his own insecurty issues. I'm with him, because I want to be with him. If I wanted other guys, I would not be with him. But he obviously felt he was making me unhappy. He always feared I would 'leave him for someone better'. He would always say 'You can do better than me'. He has big self-esteem issues. But I need to reassure him and make him understand how much I love him, and show it through physical action.

 

I fully take responsibility for my faults. I think they are fixable. I want to fix them for myself, not only for him. P.s. I haven't told him any of this haha. Might help if I did ; )

[DN]

Sex is usually necessary for a healthy relationship and the lack of it is a reason for many break-ups.

 

But if you were to reconcile what would convince him that your lack of a high sex drive wouldn't reassert itself again and you would revert to the same situation again?

[curious987]

Sorry....I made a mistake with reasons number one.

 

1. He would have liked to have sex more than once every three months*****.

[DN]

Sorry....I made a mistake with reasons number one.

 

1. He would have liked to have sex more than once every three months*****. you really think you can increase the frequency from three months to anything close to what he would like? Three months is not far off being celibate.

[curious987]

Well DN, he can not know anything for sure. But he can trust me. I have never broken his trust, and I never would. If he still felt he wasn't getting enough from me the 2nd time around.....I would fully understand that its best to leave it. But I think he needs to at least give me the chance to get over what ever issues I have and physically open myself up to him. I believe I can do that, and I actually believe that the more we have sex, the more confident I will actually feel, ironically enough.

[DN]

Well, you can certainly try to convince him but if he agrees you will have to be very careful about turning him down.

[curious987]

Oh I'm not happy with the amount we were having it either! I think we definitely needed it more! It's not good enough, and it's not healthy! It's something we need to work on.....and CAN work on. I'm keen for it, and I know he is too. I think I just needed him to tell me how important it was for him to be close with me like that. He never really seemed to care......as he didn't ever say anything.

[curious987]

I know you can't know for sure.....as you only know as much as you've read. But from what I've said, do you think it sounds like the lack of intimacy/appreciation was infact the reason the break up?

[DN]

If he said it was - then I would believe him. But you had better address the other reasons as well.