Baby Daddy wants money....

[prettymommy]

My son's father and I have been split up for six years now. Things were very volatile and unstable between us for about four years, due to how/why the relationship ultimatley ended, and then a period of unemployment and general abscence on my son's father's behalf. For close to two years now though, things have been stable and cordial between us, which obviously benefits our son the most.

 

We currently have a shared custody arrangement where I have our son 70% of the time, and his father 30%. Basically, he has our son one weeknight each week, and every other weekend. I cover everything else. I am due to go out of the country shortly however for 9 days, and have asked my son's father to take him a few extra days. He agreed, choosing to take our son 8 days, with my parents taking our son the 9th day. To help him out, I am taking a couple of his days with our son before I leave so that he can get some personal stuff done. So when it's all said and done, he's taking our son an extra 6 days for the month. Plus once I get back, he won't be seeing our son for 12 days, since my son and I will be going on vacation upon my return.

 

Yesterday when we were talking some logistics with our son, baby daddy ask me if I would slip him $40 to help cover our son's expenses (food and transportation) while I am out of the country. I was a little taken back, and didn't know how to respond. I certainly can afford to give him $40, so that is not the issue. And of course, I want to ensure my son is well provided for while I am gone. Baby Daddy is paying me about 1/3 of his salary in child support at the moment, which I understand is a financial constraint, but much of it is for back support when I did not receive any child support from him while he was unemployed for 2 years (which impacted me greatly). But the man does a poor job managing his expenses, and has repeatedly asked me for money in the past, probably to the tune of close to 2K, which has never been repaid to me. I am reluctant to give him money, b/c of the feelings I associate with it, not to mention I feel it doesn't hold him accountable for managing his own finances. I feel like he is using our son to guilt me into giving him money.

 

In the long scheme of things, $40 isn't a lot of money, and it may help to maintain the relative peace that has been going on between us for the past couple years. So should I give him the $40, for the sake of our son and maintaining a tense-free relationship w/his father, or should I follow my principles and not give him the money, b/c of the message and precedence it set, not to mention I don't want our son being used as a manipulation tool? My fear is that every time I take my one yearly vacation for myself, that he is going to use it as a reason to get money from me...

[FarthestEdge]

In the long scheme of things, $40 isn't a lot of money, and it may help to maintain the relative peace that has been going on between us for the past couple years.

^^^

This.

 

Honestly, you are divorced. How responsible/irresponsible he is with his money is not your concern. Nor will your 'lesson' have any impact whatsoever. Try to think of it this way, would you think twice about giving your parents $40, or trusted friends $40 for taking care of your son for 6 days?

 

Maybe give it to him saying "Well I hope you can use this to do something fun with your son, like go to he movies or something"

 

My ex BIL once deducted $2 from his support to my sister because she forgot to give her 5 year old his allowance. I laughed myself stupid at his petty cheapness.

 

Laugh it off - $40 is nothing compared to the hostility that could arise if you make an issue of it. Consider it an investment in peace.

[alli]

Yeah, that sounds annoying that he's so bad with handling his own finances and asks for $40. I agree with F.E., it's not that much money in the long run. Plus, he is being very flexible with the days you need him to take the kid. Even if it averages about the same amount of days he would have had the kid anyway, he's altering his regular schedule so you can do the travel you need to do. And while he wasn't paying child support initially, he IS paying a pretty good chunk of his paycheck now. I think it sounds like he's doing an ok job at the moment; I'd just give him the $40 and keep the peace.

[sidehop]

Since you're asking him to take your son for those days it's a reasonable request. But if this is a recurring pattern I can see where you're coming from and like you said, afraid of him using your son as a tool to get more money.

[CatsMeeoow]

I agree with sidehop - I'd give the money and a statement... "since you are having him for then entire week" so that he knows its special circumstances and not to ask for again....

[FathomFear]

Is there a reason why you keep referring to him as "baby daddy"? Isn't this a pejorative? I'd be concerned that this attitude isn't rubbing off on your child.

[prettymommy]

Okay, sounds like the consensus is I give him the money, so that is what I will do.

 

Guess I'm just peeved how he asked. There was no "please". It was "can we talk the money situation..."? Ah... what money situation is that? And then it was just a statement: 'How are you going to help me financially care for our son while you are away." As if it was expected of me. Sigh. I didn't realize asking him to take our son for a few extra days meant I had to compensate him. It's not like I ask him for extra child support for all the times he asks me if I could keep our son on "his" days, b/c he has to work or his band is performing or what not, which is at least once or twice a month on average.

 

And I realize me not giving him the money wouldn't send a message; that's not the point. It just that I feel torn between my son and my principles. At what point do I draw the line and stop being my baby daddy's personal cash cow, cause that's how I feel any time I ask him help me out a little extra w/ our son (which is pretty rare outside of the 1 extra week/year).

 

Other than wanting to do what's good for my son, I just feel like he manipulate's my desire to ensure my son is cared for to his advantage... But I guess I'll just suck it up, vent my frustrations here, and swollow my resentment for the good of my son and fork over the money. I'll just be glad when this isn't won't be an issue anymore...

 

And no, of course I don't call him baby daddy in front of my son. I call him Dad or Daddy, and always speak about him positively or in a neutrual light; I don't judge. It's just to everyone else I call him baby daddy, almost like a joke or a pet name. He cheated on me and emotionally and physically abused me when we were in a relationship together. Calling him by his real name reminds me of when we were together and those feelings, and I would rather forget it all as much as I can and move on. So calling him baby daddy helps me to make light of the entire relationship and history and depersonalize it, if that makes any sense, so I can remain as netural as possible.

[FarthestEdge]

Hey, I am really big on keeping to my principles....

 

But it will do nothing but frustrate and aggrivate you when trying to argue 'principles' with someone who doesn't have any.

 

Let the principle of 'being the bigger person' guide you here, IMO.

[CatsMeeoow]

Okay, sounds like the consensus is I give him the money, so that is what I will do.

 

Guess I'm just peeved how he asked. There was no "please". It was "can we talk the money situation..."? Ah... what money situation is that? And then it was just a statement: 'How are you going to help me financially care for our son while you are away." As if it was expected of me. Sigh. I didn't realize asking him to take our son for a few extra days meant I had to compensate him. It's not like I ask him for extra child support for all the times he asks me if I could keep our son on "his" days, b/c he has to work or his band is performing or what not, which is at least once or twice a month on average.

 

 

HUGS

 

I'm very in touch with your situation. He needs to be able to take care of himself and his kid plain and simple. Child support is calculated as a percentage of the parents income and the non-custodial parent gets credit (money off their support) for visitation. Now if he suddenly had to take his son for 1/2 the summer unexpectedly well then yes support needs to be adjusted accordingly. Without a substantial change in the number of overnights a judge won't lower support. His support is calculated and it takes into account that he will have financial obligations for his son when he has him... that's the discount that gets applied. So in the end you owe him nothing. You did the right thing by offering him first choice to care for your son while you are gone. If he couldn't meet the obligation then he should have declined and let him spend the entire time with your parents.

 

I would guess (because I would) that if you parents had him the entire time you would have left them money for care for you son.

 

If your son enjoys time with his dad then the more you can encourage that the better the relationship he will hopefully have - that is a very good thing. I suggest you be very clear on how this is a one time deal with the money or you will have to leave him with your parents next time. I totally get why it just burns you up on side and down the other - but in the end its just $40 (so long as it doesn't open pandoras box). If I were you I would do it and be done and have one less worry while you are out of the country.

 

And I totally get the term baby daddy. I have never used that term but calling my son's dad my ex leads people to believe he is my ex-husband which he is clearly not (I didn't get half of anything when he left... LOL) Even my son gets tired of explaining to people that his parents were never married. I just call him X's father. It does depersonalize it and makes it less likely for them to push your buttons that way... cause many times these guys are good at that!

 

Enjoy your time away and don't miss your little one too much!