InLimboForEver Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I do not care if anybody reads this or not. I just want to write my thoughts. Really I do not know what to do anymore. I think I will be okay, I try and convince myself I will, sometimes I feel okay... But just that.... Only Okay.... I was going to post in the suicide section today.... Thats honestly how I feel and have felt for months.... But I thought twice because I know I am too much of a coward to do it... I would rather someone else kill me... I think of it all the time... Ending it all somehow.... And I am sincerely so ashamed that I can even think of such thoughts.... Such selfish thoughts.... Why do I feel like this? Its all my fault... I have been in NC for a few months, which have been hell, I broke it around 9 or 10 days ago.... Because I really needed to talk to her.... I really wanted to finish things on better terms, because I know the ways things ended she hated me.... And this is what was keeping me in such a state... So she just about agreed to see me on this Sunday..... I should have just waited until that day, but I didn't. I rang her today. Why? I do not know. I asked her what time I should see her... And all I got was a huge barrage of abuse... She said things I did not even think she was capable of saying... She knows how much those words would hurt me, yet she did not care at all.... ALL I wanted was for her to not hate me, because she has no reason to hate me at all.... I never did anything bad to her.... Ever. People say I should not even want to be friends with her, but I know that If I am friends with her, I will be okay.... I know this because before we were just friends after our first break up and things were good, I was happy even without her.... At least then I knew she was okay... But her hating me, despising me, like I am some sort of evil... This I just cannot begin to understand or deal with.... I have tried.... But I know I cannot deal with it.... All I want is for her to remember that I am not someone who would ever do anything to hurt her so why does she treat me like I am an enemy? My thoughts honestly scare me.... They are not my own.... I do not know how I will cope. I truly fear that I will feel like this forever... But will not have the means to end it alll.... And so I will be stuck like this forever.... They say time heals all wounds.... But they do not tell you a time frame... What if the time it takes me is forever? Or what if I can never deal with it? Being without her I can deal with, not being friends I am not sure.... But knowing that she HATES me.... I KNOW I cannot deal with.... I just wish it would all end.
charity Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 ok, listen. she doesn't hate you. all that she feels now will pass. guaranteed. you will get over this and it will take time and if you insist on knowing how long, i will tell you. 3 months of utter heartbreak, then about 6 months more of sadness and non acceptance, then 6 months of sadness and acceptance, then sadness lifts and it all start to get brighter. it will, i promise! you cannot be friend with her, you really cant, it just aint possible at this time. maybe that will change in the future. but you need to get over her first. NC immediately.
InLimboForEver Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Thank You chairty, but its already been 1 year and I am no better than I was at the time of the break up, in fact I feel worse.... I would not feel so low unless I KNEW that she truly hates me.... And she does.... I am just really confused as to why.... I would know if she did not because she would not be so cold.... Its almost evil... She wished me dead and that she really meant it... Who would do that? And what kind of person am I that she hates me...
Danny77 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Alright, 1st thing, calm down. Take a breath and have a think. One thing you're forgetting is that if she hates you now then it won't last very long as absence fades bad memorys. She'll eventually like you again just like she used to. Another thing you need to think of is, if you can deal with "being without her" then it won't matter how she perceives you. She may hate, love, loath, or like you but if you can handle never being with her and not seeing her again then it will never matter what she thinks. Do you think the reason that you do care that she may hate you is that deep down you still want to have har back and if she hates you then you know that it'll never happen? Peoples opinion of you should have no affect on you if you plan on not having them in your life. I am left unknown as to how my ex fiancée feels about me. She and I have 100%NC and it is for that reason that I feel a bit better today. I have the thoughts somedays that she may hate me too but that doesn't bother me. What really bothers me is when I think that she doesn't event think about me enough anymore to even hate or love me. Do you see that breaking no contact has set you back a mile now? Will you go back to no contact and stick with it now? She is not needed for your happieness! You can be happy without her. You were before you met her. You'll be happy again. As for a time frame.... Okay I'm gonna say with no contact 100% including nit checking her facebook or any other social media. Working as much as you can and hanging out with friends as much as possible. Looking at other girls, (seeing that there are other cool girls out there) staying away from triggers that make you spiral down. (places, memory starters) eating well, sleeping well, excorsise, and thinking strong and positive. 4 week from today. You'll be strong enough to stand on ur own two feet and start to move on with a smile.
GrowingIn Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Listen, some people, that's just how they are. Get very, very vengeful and take a long time to let go of that hate. Sometimes they never do. Don't beat yourself up over it. That hate is her baby. From love to hate is just one small step. If she still hates your guts it just means she's not over you either. That might not be such a bad thing if you do some day wanna get back with her though I would definitely not endorse it. You have to understand, you cannot take that hate of hers and make it something personal about you. Some people simply hate because of the hurt. Because they were hurt they hate and they never let go. That's all. STOP doing this: "If she still hates me like this that must mean I am a real bad person, and I really messed up!" That is what you are doing, isn't it? You are still taking her viewpoint and her words and her opinion of you as the be all end all of that which you are. You still have not stopped seeing yourself through her eyes.
InLimboForEver Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 I have tried and tried.... It is not like I want to feel like this.... But I do not know what to do.... Even with NC I have a feeling that I will still feel like this in years to come.... Thats what scares me.... I want to forget about her but I cant.... The only thing I keep thinking about about is her..... Sure If I keep myself busy I stop thinking about her, but its only temporary! It always comes back.... I want it to end forever. I have done NC for 1 whole year the first time we broke up and in all honesty... It was the same... Nothing much changed.... I then attempted to get back with her and well did, everything was good for 1 year, no arguments nothing... Its just out of the blue she split up with me.... I dont even really know any reasons... I was put back to square 1, but in an even worse state.... Am I out of options? Why does it feel like the only way I can move on is if I sort things out and we at least remain on good terms.... Sure it should not matter what she thinks of me. But it does. And its killing me slowly. I can feel it.
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