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[zebra76]

The root of all evil!! Lol. Ok I'm a fb snooper, I need help.

After hubby was acting a little weird I did my usual email, text and fb snoop. In the past he's wigged out and sent inappropriate messages to women that weren't me this is usually because his depression is taking hold and he needs a little extra tlc from me. The cycle of this bugs me but I guess that's how it is. During my snoop around, nothing incriminating really there just 40 messages to an old female friend. Friendly messages, not really overly flirty, swapping mobile numbers and arranging to meet for lunch. All fine except he's not mentioned any of this to me! If I behaved like this he'd flip his lid. I don't understand why he's being so secretive. He doesnt realise that when he deletes these messages they can still be seen in his archive. I feel horrible for snooping but I wouldn't need to if he ever told me anything!

[metrogirl]

Well I would guess that he is being secretive because he has ulterior motives with the other woman.

 

Are you going to confront him with this? It sounds like he has a history of doing this, so you have forgiven him in the past?

[zebra76]

Mmm, he's done things I think are ouside the boundaries of our relationship. But maybe I run a tighter ship than most. There have been incidents, replying to a girl who offered him photos in exchange for cash. I hit the roof and was really upset. I really have an issue with secrets I think they ruin relationships. I'm not planning on confronting him but I am finding it increasingly difficult to not ask why he's not told me about this. I was going to wait and see if he tells me when he's met her. If he doesn't I'll have to fess up to snooping. I hate myself for doing it.

[mouseno4]

Whilst i would never approve of a girl doing that to me... You have a serious cause for alarm.

 

I also agree with you, secrets do ruin relationships. Truth or nothing with fries and a coke thanks!

 

But i think, regardless of how you obtained the information, that i would watch him like a hawk. See what happens. If he makes a move i would pounce on him. And not in a sexual way. But then i would cough up the fact i had broken the rules also. (i would never snoop)

[metrogirl]

Mmm, he's done things I think are ouside the boundaries of our relationship. But maybe I run a tighter ship than most. There have been incidents, replying to a girl who offered him photos in exchange for cash. I hit the roof and was really upset. I really have an issue with secrets I think they ruin relationships. I'm not planning on confronting him but I am finding it increasingly difficult to not ask why he's not told me about this. I was going to wait and see if he tells me when he's met her. If he doesn't I'll have to fess up to snooping. I hate myself for doing it.

 

Do you really think he is going to pony up that kind of information?

[zebra76]

No! If he had any intention of telling me he would have done it already. But I kinda feel like he's not really done anything wrong....yet. If he meets her and doesn't tell me I feel I have better grounds to rip him a new one. Lol. Really at the moment I'm more in the wrong for snooping aren't I?

[mouseno4]

Yes and no. In my opinion you are in the wrong for snooping. But on the other hand, you are right for looking at your guy with an accusatory eye. I guess some good can come from this.

[zebra76]

Do you think meeting her and telling me crosses the line even if there is nothing other than friendship going on? We've got 3 kids and have been together 15 years. If I cause a scene it's not got be over nothing!

[mouseno4]

I actually done know. You could introduce yourself to this girl first and let her know who you are. Not sure if that would be helpful or harmful.

[iBroken]

If he flips his lid when you call him out on it, its because he is guilty.

[caseh]

After hubby was acting a little weird I did my usual email, text and fb snoop

 

*DING* *DING* RED FLAGS I guess you've known him 15 years so this kind of behaviour is normal in your relationship? In my experience there's usually no smoke without fire, if you feel the urge to snoop its clearly an indication that you think that something is going on.

 

As soon as mobile numbers have been exchanged then it means the contact can continue via something you have no access to. Next time he gets a text and you're sat next to him, see if he tilts the phone away from you just enough so that you can't see the text. Also note if the phone has become phsyically attached to him all of a sudden, as in to the extreme of sleeping with it under the pillow.

 

In my experience i've seen this behaviour in ex girlfriends. To begin with they don't mind you seeing their phone, they might leave it lying around etc. At somepoint that attitude changes, they are anxious about you using the phone and often a text from 'insert name here' is quickly read and closed whereas in the past they used to read it out load and reply. Walking away as the phone rings might also be an indication they are hiding something.

[zebra76]

He does all of the above already! He doesn't sleep well and listens to podcasts on his phone during the night if he wakes. The phone is already under the pillow. We also live in a bad signal area so he has to walk to the end of our garden to take calls, he also has a code lock on it as the kids try to play with it and he has no battery left when he needs to use it. I dont to be unduly alarmed by this stuff. He's a good guy and works really hard for us all.

[pumpkinmoon]

Actually, I don't think you are in the wrong for snooping. If you had snooped and found nothing then you would be. but you did. If he had offered up this information himself and was honest with you then you would have had no reason to snoop, but he didn't. If this is all innocent, then he would have no problem telling you about this. I would confront him about this and don't let him turn it around on you. He is the one in the wrong here.

[OptomisticGirl]

Actually, I don't think you are in the wrong for snooping. If you had snooped and found nothing then you would be. but you did. If he had offered up this information himself and was honest with you then you would have had no reason to snoop, but he didn't. If this is all innocent, then he would have no problem telling you about this. I would confront him about this and don't let him turn it around on you. He is the one in the wrong here.

 

If you have to snoop, then you already know the answer to your question. Snooping is never right, especially if you know this person has this behabior and has taken them back for it. But as another poster said, a innocent person won't flip their lid. They'll get angry you snooped on them and then that will ruint heir trust in you but they won't flip out.

[zebra76]

My point was that if I was messaging a male friend and arranging lunch that he'd flip then. I don't think he'll be too concerned about the snooping. He'll over react cancel the lunch date and close his Facebook account. Then the whole world will know I'm a jealous nut job.

[charity]

i would just observe for now. is it possible he sees nothing unusual about arranging to meet up with this female friend. imo there is nothing wrong with that but like you i would expect him to be chatting about it with me. i DO think theres a problem when you feel the need to snoop. i did it for a long time with my ex and it feels terrible. it makes you feel insecure, nervous, guilty.

[zebra76]

Exactly right charity.

I was thinking of sending him a message on fb. Saying something like.....

 

It's ok to have female friends and it's ok to meet them for lunch, i like *** I think she seems lovely. what's not ok is to not mention in 2 months any of the 40 messages you've swapped. I was going to wait and see if you ever told me about any of this but I'm not trying to catch you out. Imagine if it was me messaging someone and arranging lunch with them.

I'm not annoyed, I love you loads. I just can't understand why you didn't mention any of this.

 

 

 

I'm not sure if I should appolgise for snooping or gloss over that bit. What do you think? brings the whole sorry mess to close. I can move on and stop obsessing then. Thanks for all your help people. Xx

[charity]

do you know this female friend? could you just innocently say to him 'hey have you heard from (....) lately at all? if he says yes, and admits he was chatting to her then you can relax, if he says 'no havent heard from her in a bit', then you have something to be concerned about. but that is game playing i guess.

 

in the interest of honesty in a marriage then yeah what you said will work. but if there is anything suspicious going on he will be a lot more careful about what he's doing.

[zebra76]

I have asked about her. She was interested in a guy we live near but we knew he was stringing her along because he's married. Hubby told her he was married, that was their first contact. I asked if he'd heard anymore about this guy if she'd seen him again. He said he hadn't heard anything. I'm confident there's nothing going on. Might just send the message.

[metrogirl]

Your husband told the girl his guy friend was married, but so is your husband! LOL Not trying to be funny here but I think your hubby is pulling a fast one on you.

[zebra76]

Lol. Yeah it's looking like it! I hate being a grown up.