In NC and one of the worsst case scenarios

[jjet80]

So I have been in NC for about 6 days now, surprisingly, but it feels shorter which I guess is a good thing. I have been doing "ok" with it all def could be doing better with the whole NC and its rules. However, more than anything, I have been wanting to know how she's feeling about this all. So, my biggest problem is not so much the pain and crazy emotions, it has just been a steady just wanting to know what she's thinking. (read my story in my signature if you would like to know what I'm talking about).

 

It has been the absolute hardest thing to not contact her and I mean HARD. The thing is, I know she misses me, I know she still loves me, I know she already feels she's missing out on my life and so on..now you see why its so hard not to try to swoop in and save this. And keep in mind I said I KNOW these things, not think. Last night I had a dream about her, we were back together, talking, sex and all. And to be honest I never have dreams about her in the first place. Out of the four years maybe 5 dreams about her. So its completely explainable that since she's on my mind in general, I would dream about her, but my dream was still realistic in that, she was acting how she was in real life, distant. (Shivers) That sucked...any way, I woke at at 5:46 am this morning, dont know the last time I have woken up that early for no reason and stayed up.

I am having the hardest time not sending her a quick good morning text message, I KNOW she always checks her phone to see if I have texted..I know, I know...you would think with all the symtoms she's having that I would broken up with her...sigh..... WHAT TO DOOOOO????

[hello678]

Mate, i read your story. It sounds like she is sure.

 

The problem is I can relate, it sounds very happy etc and your head is spinning. To be fair I can't comment on what made her make the decision but what I do know is that you don't want to get strung alone, it will be 100x harder than no contact in the long run and the second you send that message you have undone all the good work.

 

She is no doubt thinking about you and considering every single day if she wants you back. So just leave it with her. To be fair if she hasn't broken after 6 days than it may take many many months, but based on your thread earlier than this has been going on for months anyway.

 

Don't text her, just because you want to relive the memories of your past doesn't mean that it will be the same. If she wants you you left the decision open for her. Just wait.

[jjet80]

Its sooooooo hard because I know she wants to contact me but prob doesnt want to because she's scared and I have told her not to. I swear sometimes I feel like the only way not to try and contact her is by throwing every communication device out of the window, literally, not even kidding. That's how hard it is, and this dream did NOT help what so ever. I feel like I'm going against my better judgement here....which also makes it hard..lol..I cant seem to win. To be honest..I wish we had more problems or there was some other guy...because then it would be so much easier. The fact that everything was always so smooth between us and no problems to breakup over is killing me....To be honest mtom12...i feel like the only way I wont contact her if only just to say hi is if I hide everything I can commuunicate with her with, and unfortunately I HAVE to use all of them...damn technology

[hello678]

Its only been 6 days, it'll pass mate. Honestly its been a couple of months now since the breakup and she has expressed that she clearly doesn't want to be with you. Unfortunately there is nothing more you can do than let her dwell on that fact.

 

Don't think this is easy for her, its actually harder for the dumper sometimes. They not only have to live without you, but they have to question constantly if they done the right thing. The longer you keep contacting her the longer until

 

1) You move on and forget her

2) She makes up her mind for good and comes back.

[jjet80]

Its only been 6 days, it'll pass mate. Honestly its been a couple of months now since the breakup and she has expressed that she clearly doesn't want to be with you. Unfortunately there is nothing more you can do than let her dwell on that fact.

 

Don't think this is easy for her, its actually harder for the dumper sometimes. They not only have to live without you, but they have to question constantly if they done the right thing. The longer you keep contacting her the longer until

 

1) You move on and forget her

2) She makes up her mind for good and comes back.

 

I will try with everything I have..this will be EXTREMELY hard.

[hello678]

I will try with everything I have..this will be EXTREMELY hard.

 

I know how you feel, sometimes I get VERY strong urges. But overtime they will dissipate.

[endy]

How is it that you KNOW she wants you to contact her again? I mean really what has she done, not said but done to prove this to you since the breakup? All of these feelings you have are perfectly normal. Hell I think I'm almost 3 months NC and I still have urges. The hardest part to get through is the denial stage, which is pretty much what you are in. You are having problems accepting it. I have this problem to at the beginning of a breakup. You want to know why the decision was made, why someone that did at one time love you leave. How they could do it and why. The problem with this is we won't ever really know. The sooner you let go of trying to control this and thinking about it the better. You just need to accept that you aren't going to know all of the reasons. You may discover and have AHA! moments later once you heal, but that's about it.

 

We can ask but that person may never tell us their deepest darkest thoughts again. Like I said in another post you are going to do what you feel you need to do. The worst case scenario is you're going to break no contact, and it's either going to set you back or work out positively for you.

 

Usually when someone breaks up with you, that decision was in their best interest. They thought about it long and hard. If they notice it was a wrong decision they usually would contact you. The best thing you can do is better yourself, and heal for your next relationship. Even if that's getting back with the ex or not. Don't look to get back with them. Do NC to heal and grow. The hardest thing to do for a lot of people is letting go. When we don't know how it's even harder. It takes time for me to completely let go and heal. A lot more time than normal IMO. Some people are like this and some aren't. I'm starting to notice I may have an abandonment issue.

 

That could also be why my last relationship ended for example. I know she has that issue for sure. This is just an example though. I caught her lying about going to the casino, and when I did I told her if this happens again it's over. That was probably enough to drive her away and back to her ex. This is still not totally my fault as the relationship just wasn't healthy. She wasn't mentally stable or happy with herself. I look at this as a positive because I am learning and growing so much at this time. If it didn't happen, I wouldn't be becoming who I am now. What I'm trying to say is that these are the things you need to start working on.

 

Everyone is different. With experience comes wisdom a lot of times. A lot of people here have either been through what you are going through right now, or they've been through it multiple times. They are going to tell you their experiences, but ultimately we still need to experience failure and wrong doings to learn. The best thing you can ever take from a breakup is personal growth, and getting stronger. You don't get stronger unless you suffer, it's just a fact of life.

 

Please try to stay NC for 60 days and start to move on a bit. After that 60 days, then go back through and figure out if you want to contact her or not. If you really need to contact her, I've seen it done. I've seen it usually fail but sometimes work. IF you really think she would not contact you because you asked her not to then contact her. I mean use your head on this not your heart. That's the problem, you still have love goggles on. You need to have them off first IMO. Really be able to clear your head and think about this. Put yourself in her shoes, would she really not contact you if she felt she HAD to? I mean if she realized damn I made a mistake... I love this man. You really think she wouldn't call you or text you?

[hausser]

I had the exact same thing after dreams. In fact for the first few weeks I had about 6, very vivid, very accurate and very upsetting when I woke. Stay strong dude.

[jjet80]

First of all thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it, honestly I do. The only reason I know this is because...unfortunately she gave me her Facebook password and after I deleted everything, there were to things I couldnt forget, her phone number and her password because it was the same for almost everything. I have this info in my original post, but i have no problem restating...the entire 4 years we were together, i logged into her FB less than 15 times and half of those was because she wanted me to do something she couldnt do at the time. And I never had to, whenever I guy would request her or emssage her on FB she would tell me..I never asked for this, this is something she always did on her own..with I respected..because no too mnay woman would do that, especially without being urged to or forced. But anyway..after I 'thought' I could do the whole NC thing...i fought and fought and fought..until I logged in just to see..and she had in fact been messaging a friend (girl) about the break up, and I read all of this..she "misses me more than anything in the world," she "checks her phone all the time to see if I have texted" she "feels like she is missing out on my life" and "she loves me" and "its soooo hard not to text him"....and so on. So thats the only reason I say I know..because I have actually read it..this wasnt a long hard thought out decision..she already told me that she didnt know anything and doesnt know what she wants and so on...I agree and I know I am in denial..but sometimes...you just know that theres hope or you need that final nail in the coffin so to speak...and im split..If we didnt have such a GREAT relationship and she wasnt such a GREAT girl, I tell ya...i wouldnt be pushing this..

The thing is, I know if I had to I could move on..because after a while there is no choice. I know I could..just last night I went in Walmart and there was a pretty girl and I felt like if I had to, just to get my mind off of my ex, I could have talked to. So I know I could move on, I just dont want to have the woulda, coulda, shoulda syndrome...Thanks Endy...keep talking to me man....It may not seem like it, but I'm taking everything in and weighing all the options

[jjet80]

I had the exact same thing after dreams. In fact for the first few weeks I had about 6, very vivid, very accurate and very upsetting when I woke. Stay strong dude.

 

Hausser, so what did you do man? How did you handle it?

[CMS]

Man I used to have those dreams and they were all so vivid, but overtime, they start to die down not I barely dreams about her at all, it is closely associated how much you think about her during your waking moments, and since you are pretty fresh into the BU, I would say a lot. It gets a lot better over time.

[endy]

Ok jjet when exactly did you read this on her fb? The problem I see is for some reason she still ended things right? What was the reason she gave? IF you really feel that contacting her will either put the nail in the coffin, or get her back then go ahead. If that's what you really feel you need to do. Let me know how long it's been first. How long have you been broken up, and I know the NC has been 6 days right?

 

The thing that I'm trying to get at is, what she is saying is emotional. It's normal for a dumper to think this too right away if it was not definite. Part of the reason she is thinking this way is because there is no more contact from you. She does not know in her head if she made the right decision. She is missing you, I think if you wait awhile she WILL contact you. She will snap and not be able to take it anymore. IF you REALLY feel you need to contact her because she has too much pride right now, or because you asked her not to, contact her but give it some more time. I would really much rather see you think with your head before your heart first. You can justify it because you read those fb messages, but I don't know. Actions speak louder than words bud.

[jjet80]

Ok um...we broke up on the night of June 2nd (a 45 min convo, to prevent saying begging and such things, so thats short for us), I sent her the text about dont contact me for any reason unless... on the 3rd. So thats when it started. She sent the message to her friend on the same day, thr 3rd, and sent another message talking more about it on the 4th. But her friend hasnt responded yet, so it ends there...so I dont know how she feels now. She told ME, that she wants sure why she felt this way, she never ever wanted it to happen, she felt like something was wrong or something was missing, like the love had changed and is was diminishing, but she still loved me..so on..you know that spill..but shes been so busy..i would expect that, to feel disconnected and so on...and maybe she wanted independence, and she never thought she would...

Now when she messages her friend she didnt say ANYTHING about not loving me..she gave her friend two reason..Independence and that she didnt think she should be in a serious relationship no..nothing about not loving me..which I thought was odd, was this to make me look bad some how..idk..will prob never know. Then she went on to explain how when I came to her horse show that she was mad at me for no reason and didnt want to listen to me..which of course I felt that off the bat. And she also metntioned to her friend that when she would talk to me on the phone..she would be impatient and grumpy..and she didnt know why and that it was all crazy and she didnt understand.

So yeah..ha thats what i read in a nutshell

[endy]

First relationship for the both of you? How old are both of you? What are the issues in the relationship if any?

[Danny77]

I envy that you know she's missing you.

I'd give anything to know that too.

 

You should use that to help you stay fast and move on.

Don't break NC as it will hurt you and maybe her too?

 

Get through a month.

Then see where your head's at.

[endy]

Nevermind just went a read through the whole thing. She's in a wishy washy area. She honestly has no idea what she is feeling right now or why. Until she figures that out you're most likely going to be in limbo. Stay NC and let her miss you. Start moving on and healing. What this is going to do is not only make you strong, but you'll also be a better person if and when she does come back. Do not look at it as a goal to get her back. Move on and find someone that wants to be with you.

 

If it's meant to be, if she changes her mind she will contact you. If not give it a significant amount of time and contact her. I'm talking a few months here. You two are both very young and it's normal for people to do this. You both are very inexperienced when it comes to relationships. What's going to happen if you keep pushing is it's going to not convey attractiveness. Women want a strong man, a man that is independent. A man that can take care of himself and doesn't NEED a woman. Some people will tell you different, that the woman wants you to chase in this situation, but you've talked about it. This is obviously not the case.

 

What you read are her emotions. If they are her true feelings I'm positive you will know in time. The best thing for you to do is go NC and begin to move on. I wouldn't be suprised after awhile if she comes back.

[endy]

Delete or block your FB account, the phone number etc. Throw away everything or put it all in a box and put it some place you won't look at it. This is a specific situation where if you said and did the right things she may come back. The problem is you've never been through this before. The best way to convey attractiveness is to take yourself out of the situation, or to agree with it. She's going to think she made a mistake and most likely move on. In the meantime you want to get back to being the happy person you are. The person that is strong enough that can handle anything. If there's issues in the relationship you noticed were your fault start working on them for yourself.

 

This should be about YOU now, not her. Is it hard yes? Will it bring her back, possibly. I'm telling you right now if you push and push it's going to send her farther away. Man up and do what you have to do bud.

[jjet80]

For her yes it was her first relationship and I was her first everything. She is 19. This was my 3rd real relationship. My 1st lasted 2 1/2 years, my second 1yr and about 6 months, and this last one 4 years. She mentioned this whole feeling thing shortly before our 4 yr anniversary, but we weren't planning anything, so I don't know if that was a factor. But we were still together (in a relationship) for the anniversary. I'm 22.

 

Well we met in high school, her parents werent to fond of the age difference, but I dont see that big a deal overall..maybe at the beginning but not now. So for the first year and a half we had to be low key, until she finally told her parents which really opened up our relationship. We started as two teens sneaking over each other houses to growing into a real couple. We always talked about how none of her friends could stay and relationships and how well we were doing. But we evolved everyday. So I would say that was a outside problem, but nothing between us..But we had plenty of outside problems. So I went off to college four states away and always came home for the break and she was over my house everyday for the breaks. There was just more to do around my house than her's thats why. So I would say going off to college, it never really caused any problems..just the usual missing each other and lack of physical presence (non and sexual). But we talked everyday and would plan for when I got home. So again, nothing between us, just an outside prob. Then I moved back after three years to finish online, but then had to move closer to D.C. so it would be a little of a drive for both of us..again, outside problem.

I would say the biggest inside prob we had was a girl at my college for a few months, she hated her like no other and prob still does, and I feel like she held that in. Um...so i guess in essence distance was our biggest obstacle. I mean when she first mentioned going off to college (which she plans to this fall, I found out late of course, which i think may explain some of the independence) she was like maybe we should move in in an apt so we can live together. And I was willing to if I had to. See she is in an undying love with horses..she has two so never wanted to leave home she does shows and all. And Im an actor and wanted to move where work was, but I always said that if I would never have a prob living a perfectly normal life with her. She was really my main happiness, I was always happy when I was with her.

We played tennis, went to parks, fished, picnics on the dec or inside by the fireplace..her friends were jealous of how I treated her sometimes, because their bf's didnt...I do admit at times..I took her for granted, but def nthn to leave over.

[endy]

She was really my main happiness, I was always happy when I was with her.

 

 

You shouldn't look to another for happiness. True happiness comes from within. It sounds to me like independence IS what she needs. She needs to grow up a bit, and experience new things. She's going off to college, and she probably doesn't want to go through the long distance thing again. That's what I'm gathering from all of this. It is not uncommon. If you truly love this person, you need to let go. You need to let her grow and become who she is jj. Seriously, I'm not trying to say you don't love each other. Sometimes time and distance determine how our relationships turn out also.

 

Love is not a story, love is not the love you see in a movie. Love is an act, and to her right now that act is gone. I know you don't understand now, but try to see it from the above point of view. She has her whole life ahead of her still. She is going away to college and needs some independence. The independence really she has never had.

 

All in all we always need to do what is most important for ourselves. We need to always put ourselves first. That's what she is doing right now. I know it hurts, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She's probably confused and deathly afraid right now of gaining independence but it's what needs to be done in her opinion. There is nothing wrong with that, and it's healthy. Look at it this way, she didn't cheat, didn't lie, she was honest with you. What more can you ask for?

 

If anything you can text her and tell her I really wish you the best, I know you need to do what you feel is best for you. I'm respecting your decision and moving on. Hopefully down the road we can catch up. That's really all that needs to be said. No asking questions, nothing of that sort. What's best for you right now is to honestly move on. If it's going to be easier to remain NC then remain NC. If it was me that's what I would do, no more communication just go NC. If you have to do the above then do the above. That way she knows she can contact you. The problem with this is she may take it as you are still available.

 

Relationships need goals, relationships need a plan just like anything else in life, career etc. You may have either gave to much, or not lead enough in this relationship. These are things you need to work on. The fact that she brought up that maybe you should get an apt speaks volumes, along with you saying you were willing to do that if you have to. The right thing to do IMO would have been to think about it and then make a decision and communicate that decision to her. You didn't make one, you left it where it was.

 

I want you to understand that timing is important in relationships. Some of them just grow apart or are not right for people and where they are going in life. A relationship should usually consist of someone who is at the same stage in their career or at least have it established. With her going to college you both are just at two different points. This is part of the saying... If you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours. That's truly IMO what you need to do.

[jjet80]

I see. What is IMO?

[endy]

IMO= In my opinion and I'm really sorry to tell you all that. It's just the reality of the situation the way I see it. I could be wrong, let a few other people comment and see if they agree or not. It's just you're both real young, I know it sucks man. I've been in the place you've been.

 

What's going to happen most likely if you go NC is A. she's still going to keep questioning if she loves you and possibly come back. B. You're going to move on and heal if she doesn't. She's going to go away to college, after you're healed contact her and see what she's up to worst case scenario. The best bet for your is to move on. I think anything else is going to cause more pain for you eventually. You're broken up right now, what's going to happen if you get back together, she runs off to college then breaks up with you? It's going to cause more pain. Get my drift?

[jjet80]

Yes. I do understand. I'll try to do better...talking with you has made my day better as far as not contacting her. I will give it time and see what happens. I'll try to hold out..i really real man. Im so tempted to just say goognight..for no reason and she what she says back in the morning..hahaha..crazy I know..But I def think you have a few points endy. But would like to see what other people think only becauses Im interested in a ton of opinions. Your a cool guy man and seem like you know what your talking about and explain things like you actually care..which is nice....Thanks again man......gosh the hardest thing I'll have to do for a while..i miss her morning texts soo much...heck any texting would be nice, I miss it all..I hope she texts me, but I just no she wont because when she thought I told her that before she didnt...ggrrr...my life.

[jjet80]

Speaks volumes in a good way or bad, how did you mean that?

[endy]

In a bad way, but it doesn't matter. Read being the strong man a woman wants. You can start there on growing and healing. It wouldn't have made a difference in her decison so don't beat yourself up over it. Anyone wanna give him some added opinion here?

 

What I was getting at, which was not out of context was she brought up what she wanted. You replied by saying you were willing to do that to keep the relationship together. You're a man, you need to lead in the relationship. You make important decisions like this. You ALWAYS listen to a female and her opinion, but in the end you make the decision. You take the responsibility for it. What you did was not make a decision. It's not a big deal at all. Just start there, and start working on yourself.

 

This IS going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you'll be ok in the end. What you really need to do, and I know it's hard is start concentrating on helping yourself. You are looking into every single detail which is normal. Try reading the guide a few times below in my signature.

[jjet80]

Ok Endy,

 

Last question I think. This is what I'm most worried/in denial about and I think you can help this. I just remembered this, because I am an analyzer and thats part of my prob, I try to look at things logically and realistically, and I understand all the possible consequences to everything you and everyone else has said. Unfortunately, I have been a person who always goes with what my intuition is, which is why I have this problem currently...

This is what I remembered, she repeated this three or four times throughout the convo, "I hope this isnt a mistake." As though she was extrememly unsure of what she was feeling. To me this says, she is more afraid of losing me than she is of doing what she 'thinks' she's feeling. Now this of course is good for me, possible bad for her because she is so unsure. To the question: is it possbile that she could come to some kind of realization (small or large) that she in fact is too unsure and does want to atleast talk to try and figure out more things. But as I've stated before, is so scared to talk to me that she is damn near permanently reluctant to contact me. Is it possible that by waiting, she will just give up and those feelings she has now slowly diminsh over a month or so? In other words, what if I could have contacted her now and we didnt get back together immediately of course because I know not to push, but because I waited, she figure that I had moved on and there was no choice left but for her to do the same? Do you think that is possible?

I mean, IMO..lol..my new abbreviation...if I broke up with a girl and she told me that, I don't know if I would try to contact her either just because I would feel horrible about it, and now she's telling dont contact her under any circumstance unless its to reconcile. I dont think I would just because I wouldn't even know how to start a normal convo since she said dont contact her for anything else, you kind get where I'm going? I def think you can answer this head on, I see you mention a lot of books that you've read, so you seem knowledgable. I even downloaded one book you suggested last night. Thanks again, hopefully I wont have to ask many more questions after this..because ultimately, THIS I believe is my MAIN concern....