we are breaking up cuz he thinks im not happy. how can i fix that?

[xyzzzz]

make it brife my situation is: my bf said i complain about everything and if i have so many problems with him,and is not unhappy with things,we should break up.

i know complaining is annoying and i do need to get rid of this bad habit.but i dont mean i really hate everything and i certainly am not unhappy. i want to know how can i fix this situation? i dont know what kind of feelings he has by thinking im not happy in the relationship. does he still love me? or does he not? or he feels he cant give me happiness and im better off without him? or he feels hurt and cant sustain the relationship?

we arent broken up per say. but i feel this relationship is cracked even though he has given me another chance after i explained myself, admitted my mistake and promised to change. im asking this cuz im willing to do everything to fix this crack, if it's possible?

i thought maybe if he still loves me.there is a chance we can make it work again?

im scared eventually we will fall apart..

[jjet80]

XYZZZZ,

 

I think you are in the best situation to fix this problem believe it or not. You ARE still together. That means a lot that he hasn't left yet. So if you think you can really salvage things, then take the time out to look at what he's talking about. What kind of things do you complain about, when do you complain about them, are they things you can let go easily, and so on?

Once you have evaluated yourself, evaluate how he sees you. Look at the things you say or do that would suggest that your unhappy to him. If he only sees you in the light you present to him, then you need to figure out how to make it brighter in his eyes, because right now, to him, it seems like all you have is a dim light hanging over your head. This may take time to all be evaluated as best you can, but if you think its worth doing, then do so.

Lastly, once you have done this and think you've come to some kind of conclusion or solution that can help you all's relationship, ask him all the questions that you have asked us (Does he still love you, does he not....) You still have that golden opportunity of still being with him to ask those questions, many of us dont. So *I* say, take advantage of that, but if he shy's away of seems uncomfy with you asking him a ton of questions, back off a little. Read him, pace yourself, be sure you aren't coming off as interegating him, because then that will def push him away. So just pay attention and pace yourself. It may or may not work, every situation is diff, so take out of this what you need and throw away the rest and cater it so it suits him and refelcts you. Hope this helps!!

[xyzzzz]

i am worried cuz at the beginning he already said "break up".only cuz i tried very hard that he changed his mind. and some people think, once he breaks up for whatever reason i should accept it and go for NC and move on instead of trying to keep together. cuz now even we are together,it might be his pity on me,or he feels the power etc etc but not that he really wants me..

so i dont know if it;s true..

[mouseno4]

A lot of these things, have to do with how we think about the world. How we think of ourselves and how we think of everyone else. You need to be able to notice when you are complaining unnecessarily whilst you are doing it, have the ability to stop yourself, and think about the positives of the situation. You need to be able to do this to yourself. If you can manage that, you are half way there.

 

Good luck.

[mouseno4]

i am worried cuz at the beginning he already said "break up".only cuz i tried very hard that he changed his mind. and some people think, once he breaks up for whatever reason i should accept it and go for NC and move on instead of trying to keep together. cuz now even we are together,it might be his pity on me,or he feels the power etc etc but not that he really wants me..

so i dont know if it;s true..

 

One of the things a lot of people on this forum advocate is if there is a small sliver of doubt or chance of a break up, its finished. I think that is just a waste. I say just as the famous line goes - dont end it, mend it. At least try to fix the problem. You never really know if it will work if you never try.

 

It saddens me a lot of people here think this way. One little mistake from one of the parties and bam! Its all over. Well, i disagree. I honour their opinion all the same but. If there is a chance to fix things, do it? Best case scenario? You both end up better for it. Worst? You end anyway, but at least you tried.

[Capricorn3]

my bf said i complain about everything and if i have so many problems with him,

 

i dont know what kind of feelings he has by thinking im not happy in the relationship. .

 

Can you give us some examples of what you complain about all the time?

 

He thinks you're not happy with the relationship because you constantly complain about something, or you complain about specific things that he does. If that's the case, then it's understandable that he would think you are unhappy.

 

You can fix it by changing your ways. Only you know what you are doing wrong and if you recognize what you are doing, then you change it.

[jjet80]

I agree with Mouseno4. Atleast try, but like I said pay attention to him and pace. If he gives you the "I think its best we go our separate ways," then just give him a little time. Once thing that I have unfortuantely figured out holds true for me today is what my high school track coach used to tell me, "Its all the things you didn't do when you look back on your life that your going to wish you had done." Do you think your going to look back on this and feel ok about or feel bad about, only you can make that choice.

[xyzzzz]

Can you give us some examples of what you complain about all the time?

 

He thinks you're not happy with the relationship because you constantly complain about something, or you complain about specific things that he does. If that's the case, then it's understandable that he would think you are unhappy.

 

You can fix it by changing your ways. Only you know what you are doing wrong and if you recognize what you are doing, then you change it.

 

i actually cant remember what ive been complaining they are really just petty..i maybe negligent? cuz lot of times i dont think/realise im complaining..i guess he thinks i complain he leaves dirty plates everywhere,not clean up after himself.not stricktly wash his hands or never does laundry,never does dishes..

[DN]

If you can't remember what it is you complain about how can you realise when you re doing it and stop?

[xyzzzz]

If you can't remember what it is you complain about how can you realise when you re doing it and stop?

 

well i know one thing that sometimes when i do housework i also complain about why I always get to do such work. and other time,i guess, when i raise my different opinion about something he's done, he counts it as complaining too.

and sometimes i just say it.other times i lost control of my temp to start flipping out on things i complained about..as you can see all these things are worthless as a result i think it;s my fault to make it a huge deal

[DN]

Does he do his share of the housework?

[xyzzzz]

Does he do his share of the housework?

he doesnt do any of them as he's tired from work.i on the other hand go to uni so have more spare time so i do all. having said that we are only renting a small unit and we have clean lady so there isnt much work to do. just dishes laundry and keep eveything tidy in place,as he leaves everything behind him. he wouldnt say anything if i get lazy and leave them in there..but sometimes i complained.

but this is not the vital conflicts..it's everything adding up together to make him say "im not happy and constantly complain about everything". i cant list all of them cuz honestly i dont know every of them..but i think as long as im being caution he wouldnt get pissed over this.

[curious987]

Wow. Your situation seems EXACTLY the same as mine. Seriously. I swear he thinks I wanted out. And he said I 'complain' too much. It's such a crappy excuse that he's using because he doesn't wanna destroy he's ego by admitting he thinks I've lost interest. I haven't lost interest. I still love him very much. It's just that my actions didn't say that : P

 

What are you going to do about your situation? Do you think he is open to the idea of possible reconciliation, if you prove that you can make some small changes (e.g. try to not complain too much, make an effort to show more appreciation etc)?

[xyzzzz]

Hey ive read ur post too.however i dont think it hurt his ego nor he thinks ive lost interest.i feel it,s more like "im annoyed at what she,s doing and if she isnt happy ,screw her.im done playing" as he was really angry when he wanted to break up.( cuz he only got little sleep since i kept him up fighting over pttey things,my fault).

what did i do? i begged him to give me another chance.i tried to find out all my mistakes to him,and promised to change.

i think u should just ask him to give u one more shot.why afraid of rejection? i need to BEG, u just need to ask.

[xyzzzz]

I dont know if he honestly wants to fix the relationship or not. He says he does love me and does wanna be with me but I need more time to tell how everything is going and how he truly feels.

[Ms Darcy]

It's hard to read, because there is something missing for me from this story. It doesn't sound he told you much about his feelings or intentions? You had to beg him not to break up? You're not sure how you complain (although you did explain some things.)

 

I think you did your best, so wait and see. Try to get some space from him and really try to remember and write down some of these complaints. Self-examination will be helpful to you. I'm concerned that he might have agreed to give it another shot just to get you to stop begging.

[xyzzzz]

No during the fight he didnt say anything abt how he feels. Before the fight all he said was how much he loved me. yeah ironic. He didnt say much at all, cuz his initial intentions was to break up. and at first he didnt wanna listen either.yes i have to beg for another chance..i did everything i can do.

today he was late for work and he said its cuz i kept him up fighting and got him tired,he slept in.it,s bad he was late cuz he needed to open the store.and he got really pissed and said he,s gonna lose his job.

What an interesting development.