should i send her a letter or not

[jonesyjakk]

 

 

this is my story above

 

if you read the last couple of posts and just tell me if I should or shouldn't send a letter to my ex I'd really appreciate that.

 

all advice is welcome

 

 

jonesy

[stevef20]

Mate,

 

Instead of the letter, have you thought about speaking with her parents instead, from what you say, it appears you still have a relationship with them, sometimes the written word can get lost in translation, if yiu were to talk with her parents they could put your points accross to her as they are meant to be received.

 

Give it some thought fella.

 

Always your friend.

[jonesyjakk]

hmmmmmm....

 

steve you maybe onto something....

 

lets get this into perspective

 

she left,

 

continued to text me for weeks hi daddy i love you and all that rubbish for my son who isnt even 2

 

she text to say she was seeing someone....i said i dont want anything to do with you and have stuck to that

 

I get messages saying I have to talk to her and communicate with her which i deleted and ignore

 

i get messages saying can we talk and then actually dont worry about it

 

i get messages saying she wants my son back early when its not what we agreed

 

i get the bday card from moon pig off my son which was like a trip down memory lane

 

i get her putting i love dad clothes in his bag

 

what is she up too??? and even if its nothing, its definitely annoying me.....

 

what could i even say to her parents.....if you were me what would you do about this????

 

 

jonesy

[charity]

in my opinion she is up to nothing.

 

she has chosen not to be with you. but that doesn't mean she is a heartless manipulative woman.

i think she feels major guilt.... and boy you are not letting her off easy are you, nor yourself.

 

she bought her son a hat that says 'i love dad' and you think thats bad? why? how?.

she says she needs to communicate and you need to talk to her. guess what? she's right. you do. you two have a child together. ignoring her and acting like a cold business man around her will not help your relationship with her in the coming years when your son will easily be able to see that his mom and dad don't like each other.

 

don't you see that she feels major guilt for you and her son. thats why she does the birthday card effort, the cap, the texting hi daddy i love you. she is trying to show you that although she chose not to be with you, she still wants you 100 percent in your sons life. she doesn't want her decision to effect your relationship with him.

of course it will and it has. i know that.

 

i know it hurts jonesy. i was there too. i have 2 kids with my ex and he moved on very very quickly. for a long time i did not function well as a mother but in the end i realized his decision was made and he was entitled to it and i had to make the best of this situation.

 

she has made her choice. it affects you greatly and i know you are devastated by the break up of your family. she chose that and she has to live with that. but now you have to do best with the situation you are in.stop hating her for that!! you have tried ignoring her, sending blunt messages, being cold and look at yourself. you are hurting sooooo much. that stuff doesn't work!!!!. not when you HAVE to constantly have her in your life. if she was just any gf you could do all that, go NC and thats that. but you can't jonesy. now you are making yourself go crazy. how about trying something else!

 

accept it. she is out of this relationship. her choice, not yours but that is the reality. and it is her right to decide that. whether it is the right decision or not, she will figure out for herself. right now she's probably thinking it definitly is.

 

be nice. not OVER friendly. but friendly at least. think of your son. he will appreciate it so much when he is older. think of yourself. it is better to be friendly and respectful then being so angry and cold and miserable. that must be killing you inside.

 

i know i'm being tough here jonesy. i am on your side but i have learnt a lot from my break up and i know this works. i m nice to my ex as much as i can. when he does stupid stuff or acts bad, instead of getting mad t him or not talking to him, i just say-on his head be it. he has a conscience and he has to look at himself in the mirror everyday.

 

as does your ex.

[stevef20]

Mate,

 

You have all these questions but no answers, is a letter going to get those answers? No its not.

 

Talk to her parents bud, you say what do I say to them? It's smacking you un the face, you've just listed half a dozen things you need to say, meet them, be polite, get it all off your chest then pin back those ears and listen, get your point accross and hear theirs, the more I think about it the more I think that this may be the answer.

 

Use the relationship while its still there Jonesyjakk.

 

Your friend

[stevef20]

Jonesy,

 

Charity's post is an excellent one, listen to her. I have kids from a previous marriage aswell and she's right, us being civil makes things a lot easier.

[stevef20]

Jonesy,

 

Charity's post is an excellent one, listen to her. I have kids from a previous marriage aswell and she's right, us being civil makes things a lot easier.

[Live-N-Learn]

Jonesy,

 

I know it sucks to have to deal with an ex wife. Mine left me and remarried 30 days later. We have two kids together 6 and 10. I do not like her as a person anymore at all but I do my best to be amicable with her for the kids sake. Remember, your son comes first. I would talk to her directly and keep it all about your son.

[jonesyjakk]

Yes, to a degree I agree with what charity is saying....but my issue is this.....my son isn't even 2 yet, he's not in school, he has no problems there are no issues...he's happy enough when he's with me and not blowing my own trumpet but I'm a dam good father....i was with this woman for almost a decade, engaged, and preparing to spend the rest of my life with her...

 

her leaving was one thing to deal with, but there are so much more things ive had to go through because of her, moving cities, changing jobs, the amount of money I have spent travelling to see him...she makes 3 x as much money as i, she has child support payments......i get by on my salary...and considering half of that used to go on travelling i was left woth very little to even take out my boy....this is just half f what i have gone through because of her actions.....

 

This woman has put me through hell....what if I was a woman, whos husband had walked out on her, he saw his kid and there was no probs, but he made great money and left the woman financially struggling, but she didnt moan about it...she just got on with it....but said to the guy...pick him up here, drop him off there and apart from that i want me out ya life....i dont need trips down mem lane, i dont need her i wanna talk...no change my mind msgs...i dont need her i love u daddy msgs, i dont need her money....i just wanna be left alone by her.....y is that so hard??????

 

jonesy

[stevef20]

Speak to her parents and tell them everything you vent on here.

[jonesyjakk]

my lil boy is teething...so hes not been feeling too well...now she text saying she wants to know how he is when hes with me...which is fine, thats fair enough...but how about this...my son hadn't been well for a couple of days, and only the day i pick him up do i get told hes ill....hows that for communication....

 

and my mum picks him up and drops him off for me now cos of my work commitments and when she picked up my lad sunday, my ex 10am thursday her dad will be there to pick him up..my mum was like yeah thats cool.

 

so arrangements are sorted....

 

now she texts saying have i sorted the arrangements to drop him off????? they are already sorted!!!!!!!!!!!11 you did yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!

she also asked how our son was so i told her, his teeth are bad....but he is happy enough at the mo, and i said my mum sorted the arrangements with you???

 

she text back saying yeah thats fine thank you.

 

what?????????

 

im just venting thats all..........................just venting!!!!

 

jonesy

[charity]

i know he is only 2 but it is still normal for her to that type of stuff. you are his dad and she is treating it as so. she is keeping that separate to 'you and her' i think. and its totally ok that you told her to stop that type of stuff (texting goodnight daddy and so forth). i'm just trying to explain where i think she was coming from.

 

 

you say you just want her to leave you alone but you know as well as i do that you wish the break up never happened and no matter how bad you portray her to be you would love to be with her. so realize now that we all make mistakes, you and her. neither one of you guys are bad people. she is not perfect and this is a new situation for you both. she will mess up and make selfish decisions sometimes and so will you.

 

 

 

and as for all the communication issues, well that's because you guys communicate like arch enemies instead of parents. you need to be in a place where you or she can pick up the phone and say hey whats going on with this, or i need to change something' or whatever. you need to at least try to let go of this animosity and work on being good parents together. jonesy i know you are a great dad, god knows my ex could take a few pointers from you. but as your son gets older this will effect him, make no mistake about that.

[jonesyjakk]

yeah i agree with what you are saying, but us getting along can only happen over time, it cant happen like a click of fingers and boom....at the moment there is no probs with him so ive asked her to leave me alone, i told her, ive said to her this is going to take me a long time to get over..ive told her that....ive asked her to leave me alone to get over her as much as i can.

 

im not saying when hes 21 we're still gonna be this way, but she isnt helping me get to that place by doing these things....she said alot of hurtful things to me when we split, and since has done alot of things that has torn wounds in me that will take time to heal.

 

I agree, 110% we need to communicate as parents, but i can only do that when i have let go of all my feelings for her...ive told her this....it got to a point where i was getting those good night texts that i had to put my hand over my phone to delete the msgs without even reading what was being said.

 

i am so worried every time she texts me, because she keeps trying to take my son back early, or say she wants him on days that are mine..these are the reasons ive stepped back and said enough...!

 

i agree totally...and i wanna get to the point of communication with her.....6 months prior to splitting up she accepted my marriage proposal......i did what she asked this week right....she wanted me to text her about my kid and i replied nicely to her.

 

its a start right.....but it can only continue providing she dont msg me saying nasty things and demanding to have my kid on my agreed days, i'm gonna try..from this moment i am going to try...

 

and as for wanting to be back with her...........are you mad??????????????? what i want back doesn't exist....and i will never forget the things she said to me when we split, when i moved back to my city after we split my son did not know what hit him, 18 months old, tossed between 2 cities, 3 homes and she brought a new guy into his life, tore up our home and moved him into a new one in that time, when i was with my kid...he would not let me walk out of the room for weeks, without chasing me out the door....he wouldnt go to anyone in my family, nobody....and only recently has really started to come to terms with being here with me. So, yes, i never wanted the split, yes i begged her to work things out with me, but thats passed now, and i cant just forget that.....for a long time i wondered what on earth was so bad with me that she was happier doing all this to the 3 of us than even sitting down and working things out......so yes...on paper i want her back.....in theory.....no i dont...in reality...no i dont...too much damage has been done and when i say leave me alone...i mean leave me alone...hand on heart.

 

thank you charity....your advice helps....truly...i cant forgive some of the harsh things she has said and done...its still quite painful inside. but, you are right, its time to start sorting this out with her.......it really is...i have no idea how...and i guess the more i communicate the less painful it will be over time???? right????

 

 

jonesy

[charity]

yes!!! don't get me wrong , there will be times where you have to take a deep breath and end the phone call cause of something she recklessly says. that will happen. my ex has said things to me that have made my eyes water but i just try to stay silent and not talk about personal stuff.

 

it does get easier jonesy. i was in bits when my ex and i finished. i had a constant headache and i couldnt look at another couple with a child without getting depressed. and i was bitter and very angry. we said things that i thought would haunt us for life. but you they didn't.

 

one day i just thought to myself ' this is it. its over. my children now are part of a broken family. but by god i will not make it worse on them. i am not gonna turn into a greying angry women for the next 10 years. i am going to do THIS well. i am gonna make the best of THIS. and i did. at the beginning it was fake, it was painful and i would come off the phone and say 'he's an aXX. but after awhile its just stopped hurting. and the kids, well they see us talking and laughing and they nothing else. i still get somewhat nervous with him, he has the ability to effect me greatly. i long for indifference but that will come it time. for now its acceptance and the sadness is gone so that....good.

[jonesyjakk]

ok...thank you...i needed to hear this i guess....it does just still hurt an awful lot...things she has said and done, and how complicated my own life has become because of this split.

 

i have a lot of work to do on my self....ok....i will try very hard, even if its fake, im gonna try very hard....it will be hard....ohhhhhh man.....what a ride this passed 7 months has been!

 

ok...well it started this week i guess....so maybe i will ask her on the weekend how my son is....since i have gotten into the mindset of not texting her when hes with her as i know from her silence he is ok......ok.......i can do this right.......im better than this.....keep your enemies closer and all that right!

 

here goes the rest of my life!

 

jonesy