When will it "click"?

[LoveHurts89]

I'll begin my thread by saying, I'm here for support, not criticism, so if there's anything on here you feel you'd like to criticise, please just maybe exit the page, as I am not in the right frame of mind to process any criticism, and fear it may push me further.

 

The Saturday before last, we spoke for the first time in weeks. We both cried, he was saying be just doesn't know what he wants so doesn't want to string me along. But then on text messages, he tells me to accept it's over. I guess it's easier to type things you're not strong enough to say in person, or things you don't necessarily want to say.

 

For ages, I've been asking him to meet up, to discuss everything, and for me to collect my belongings. And he keeps refusing. On Monday, I turned into a psycho. I just couldn't take it anymore. So I went to his business (he lives there) and told him I was waiting in the back car park. He refused to come to see me, I sat there for an hour and a half before he came out. It was horrible. He wouldn't talk, and just kept asking me to leave.

 

So yesterday, I wrote a letter. Apologising for the previous night. Then asked if he'd consider going away. When I asked for a reason why he ended it, he said we just grew apart. I told him that was BS and to me, we were closer than ever. We were two weeks away from moving in together. I was so excited to start our life together. Even he'd send texts saying soon, I won't have to text you goodnight, I'll be able to kiss you goodnight every night. It just feels as though he's trying to find excuses. I can see by the way that he cries that there's still something there. So, yesterday, in the letter, I asked him if he'd consider a holiday together. Whether it be a week, three nights, or one night. He hasn't read the letter yet, despite it being given to him yesterday. A friend said to me be might need to prepare himself for what it might say.

 

I text this morning:

 

Me: Just another little text. About the letter. When you read it, please don't jump to saying no. My reason is, when we first did what I'm suggesting, it was kind of make or break. And it made us. So even if you can only offer a fraction of what I'm asking (you'll see what I mean), then I'd be incredibly grateful. I'm just trying to look in to all options, but will leave it all up to you. All I ask is that you genuinely genuinely consider it. For us both. After it, we could both say no. It's just trying one last option. Have a nice day Stu. I'm so on edge xx

 

I know. I know! Needy galore. I just can't help it. I know he's told me to accept it's over, but then when I say is it forever, he says at the minute, yes. And so I read in to those things.

 

I know he'll say no to a little holiday, but I'm just trying everything.

 

My question is, when will it click? When in my head will I think, it's over, move on? Do I have to know I've exhausted every possible option? Or will it just happen one day when I least expect it? I know I can't carry on like this much longer.

 

I'm genuinely questioning the state of my mental health, for reasons I won't go in to. But this is why I ask for you to not criticise me.

 

Thank you.

[LoveHurts89]

It'd be easier if I just ended things completely. Not with him, me. If I just ended this thing called "life". It's the only way to escape the constant pain.

[He2Him]

You expect anyone to support in what exactly? Living or ending it.

 

Anyway, close your eyes and try to imagine the life you really want. The one you REALLY want. Forget everything you know, all the restrictions, people you know, they have no meaning. Just imagine the life of your dreams. Wander in that world for a while, keep on dreaming.

 

When you've had enough, open your eyes. And try to understand that just as in your imagination in reality too, everything and everyone you know has no meaning towards you. Whether they criticize or support you doesn't matter. Whatever they have done to you doesn't matter. Simply because now you have a goal ahead of you. And noone's gonna hold you back from going after it.

 

In your dream life, people like your boyfriend don't exist. More over you are strong, independent and charismatic person, that everyone likes. How that feels?

[LoveHurts89]

Your post just made me cry. Tears of relief, I think. Thank you. It's hard when you want somebody back so badly.

 

Thank you. Xx

[betrayed911]

No what you've become and whats become of your relationship is becouse you kept persuing him,that makes you look needy and pushes him 10x faster away from you!

You know when i first fell in love and she BU with me I did exsaktly(

I know how you feel i thoud about suicide myself the first week,but this wasn't me thoud it was my emotions driving me crazy,I'm much better now (25 days latter).You need to be arround people,if you want to talk about your ex than be around family.Why not join an online game,like WoW it gets your mind of things,read a book,write down all the + and - of you two beeing toghether,every nigth write a journal about how you feel and what you want to tell him(this is all stuff i used to feel better)cry,meditate...

Now if you want your Stu back what you have to do is the oposite of how you feel,what you need to do is i see you're fond of texning this tiger is texting him sayng ,,I accept your dissicion about the BU,but i cant have you in my contacts (fb,skp,oovoo,mail) for some time a a later stage I would like to still be only friends,,

When you text him that dont respond to any of his replyes anymore-all is said,delete and block him from everywhere,and in days you will see you wonderfull Stu will contact you about something,but you have to keep it cool its a very fragile situation than,truth is he is contacting you to see if he still can have you,so dont make the mistake of showing him that,act like a stranger,keep you head above all.

Please just listen to me and do as i say i've been there with my first love,you WOUNT get him back this way i can tell you im 10000% sure,just trust me on this one and i promise you that results will come up,update us here on the situation i can give you lost of advices to atract him back.Best wishes for you!

[LoveHurts89]

Betrayed - thank you very much for your advice.. it makes a lot of sense xx

[LoveHearts21]

Hi LoveHurts, I haven't been on here for over four weeks as I've been through a very difficult time myself - not just with the BU.

 

I was just browsing through threads and noticed you had posted and didn't want to read and run.

 

I know exactly how your feeling. I've been through this pain for 5 months and whilst I know he is not coming back, it is still hard to accept it's over for good.

 

 

I just want you to put yourself in your ex's position and look at things from his side. How would you feel if he turned up at your work/home, sat outside for an hour an a half asking you to come out to chat and wouldn't leave when you asked?

 

Would it make you reconsider the relationship? Or would it make you think ''he's needy, desperate and can't let go - why would I want to go back to him''?

 

What your doing is pushing him further and further away. If he want's to see or speak to you, he will be the one to contact you first as he already knows your there waiting. I know how hard it is to fight those urges of contacting the ex but you really need to think a lot more before going ahead and doing what your doing, not only are you pushing him further away from you but your also hurting even more.

 

What is the longest you have gone NC?

[LoveHurts89]

Summer - thank you. You speak sense. I managed a week NC. He was on holiday so I knew I couldn't see him etc. So it was easy to leave him be. I need to try harder. I definite won't be turning up to see him again. I just can't put myself through that emotional trauma again. I feel like a mad woman.

 

It's amazing how much of an impact one person can have on your life. In so many ways. Your sleeping pattern. Your eating pattern. Your ability to focus at work. Your emotions. Your mentality. Your self respect.

 

Everything I do is about him. It drives me crazy. I wish I did feel this attached. I wish I didn't feel this way. I'd love to be able to just switch off.

[betrayed911]

That is a sign of progress manage 1 more week NC and you will feel better i promise.read my new tread what to do and what not to do after a BU

[LoveHurts89]

The week NC was about four weeks ago now. But I am gonna try it again I will read your thread now xx

[twistedfate]

I'm going through the same thing right now. My boyfriend of 1 year abruptly ended things 11 days ago. He has been very depressed and distant the last couple months... but I never imagined he'd ever leave me. He is so unsure about many things in his life (his job, whether he wants to return to college and pursue more graduate work, is under pressure from his parents to get a job THEY think is best for him... etc.). He told me he wasn't sure he wanted to ever get remarried again (he went through an awfully emotional divorce, his ex cheated and lied to him. He knew eventually I want to get married and he didn't want to string me along or "date me to just be dating me." He never ruled out us rekindling the relationship, but he told me he couldn't give me any hope of getting back together either. He just doesn't know. I was devastated... still am! We never once had a fight-- no name calling, no abuse, nothing. We spent 4-5 days a week together last summer. We were best best friends and inseparable. He told me when we broke up that he thought I was amazing... I'm his best friend (which is important to him to be friends before lovers, so I'm glad we were built on a solid friendship as well.) and he told me he was still attracted to me. But he didn't feel right being with me if he couldn't move forward right now.

 

I feel lost without him. He left my apartment on that Sunday of memorial day weekend and I haven't heard from him since. I went NC... no facebook anymore, haven't emailed him, haven't called or texted him. He texted my best friend a few days ago to ask if she thought it was a good or bad idea for him to stop by a local concert that my friend John was playing in. SHe told him she wasn't sure how I'd feel about it and he never ended up showing up. Since then, nobody I know has heard from him that I'm aware of. He still has a key to my apartment that he needs to return, but I've yet to hear from him about that either.

 

It's destroying me inside not to pick up the phone and call him. I have to admit, I've been a little bad at the NC because I have been taking a peek at an online car forum I know he posts at, and saw some posts that made me read into things that upset me. I don't know if there's someone else-- though I doubt it... I have no evidence of this... but sometimes I just want to call and ask just to be sure. I know that's the LAST thing I should do, because then I'll look like a paranoid freak if I insist on knowing what he's up to, but it's hard to not wonder and not wanna know. We always were super open and honest with each other and would be 100% with our feelings, no matter how ridiculous or silly the worries or feelings were. So I keep telling myself that he's being truthful. I know it was never anything I did-- he's depressed and down on life and frustrated and stressed. It makes NC even harder because I worry if I don't call him, he'll think I don't wanna be there for him and he'll get more down in the dumps. Then again, men tend to shy away when they're stressed so I think maybe space is a good thing too.

 

NC is awful. It's hard. And I've read a lot of threads on here that reiterate that. It's easy for people to tell us to maintain NC... we just have to live it. Not only for our exes (because I know he can't miss me if I'm still there!!) but also for ourselves so we can heal.

 

Hang in there. I'm hoping I can as well.

[LoveHearts21]

I couldn't help myself breaking no contact. I'd get to one week and have an urge to send a text. The difference with me is that I was never asking him back, crying to him or asking to meet. I was just letting my anger out since he hurt me at the beginning of the break up with the nasty things he had said and done.

 

I started to feel a lot better when I managed four weeks no contact but then I went through a very difficult time 4 weeks ago - which is not related to the break up, but it did knock me right back again.. I ended up breaking no contact and phoning him 1 week ago to try and be civil but even after 5 months he's still very bitter so it turned into an argument. Resulting in me being more hurt. It hurts not speaking to him but it's hurts even more when I do because he is not the person I once knew. The person I am missing doesn't exist anymore.

 

The most important thing to do is agree with the break up and not ask him back or to meet up. You are keep showing him that you 'need' him. If you keep fighting against his decision you won't be able to work on getting him back. What you resist, persists.

[Ms Darcy]

Things click for me when I am ready to let go of the pain and the hope and the need to control the uncontrollable. When you are tired of crying and feeling bad and you want to be happy again, small clicks will start to happen. You will see that you are fine without him, that other men are out there, that you don't need to contact him again, that you have an interesting life outside of him with interesting hobbies. You will regain your confidence and then things will click.

[twistedfate]

The most important thing to do is agree with the break up and not ask him back or to meet up. You are keep showing him that you 'need' him. If you keep fighting against his decision you won't be able to work on getting him back. What you resist, persists.

 

I'm sorry to hear you two had such a rough breakup and that he still holds on to angry feelings. Sometimes I wish in my situation I could be angry at him, because maybe then it wouldn't hurt as much. It might hurt as much temporarily for me, but I tend to move on faster when I'm mad at a guy. In fact, out of the many relationships I've had, this is the first one that ended without arguments, yelling, or anger. I think that's why for me, this is all so confusing.

 

I know I can't keep fighting the decision. I agree he did the right thing, if that is in fact the truth, that he is unsure of what he wants in the future and his desire not to lead me on. I agree that he should let me go now instead of hold onto me just to be dating me, and then hurt me years down the road when I have much more time invested. So I think finally, now that I'm not in DENIAL anymore, I'm starting to agree that he did the right thing. I guess, is it worth it to contact him and let him know I understand what he did, and that I don't hate him? I don't want him to think I don't want to talk to him... because I do... I just don't want to be lead on. And I don't know how CLOSE I want to be to him just yet. I still love him and I can't see myself being friends just yet. I can't put my feelings for him aside.

 

Part of me feels like I need to reach out and tell him I don't hate him and I understand why he did what he did, and that I'm here if he ever needs me. But then again, maybe 11 days is too soon to do this. I'm still kind of emotional about it all and I don't know if I could hold it together. Plus, if he wants to rekindle and he really loves me.... wouldn't he pick up the phone and call, regardless if I've contacted him first? Any guys have any input?