Is it really you I want back?

[LN1987]

So I have been going well with my pych sessions and am not crying, not thinking the world is going to end, but still obsessing a little over said ex. I however did not like many things about this person, he was cold, mean, did not value me, didn't seem to respect me a lot for the last 6 months of our relationship. I am now wondering if I even want this person back. I was unhappy with the lack of love he showed me for such a long time, with the disrespect he showed me, with his need to be in control always.

 

Why am I still obsessing over this guy? Yes he once was amazing and loved me to bits, but from maybe August last year he was not very nice to me.

 

Do others find themselves thinking along such lines in the BU stage?

 

thanks, sorry for ramble, just how I'm feeling today

[Carus]

Why am I still obsessing over this guy?

Because like all of us you love the feeling of being loved...and he gave you that*

 

So it's more that lost feeling that you are obsessing/missing....

 

I would put forth that if you had someone else right now giving you those feelings, this guy would be a faded memory*

 

However, we cant just go down the shop and order our gorgeous new partner. Just gotta be grateful and patient, heal up, create a good life aoround us, and love will come...

 

I've been alone for 2 years now post-BU so I have to tell myself that too..^ heh

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[Realitynut]

Yeah, great, I'm gonna be 57 in Dec. How much longer do I have to wait???? It was 2 months yesterday. Haven't seen him since April 1. He called from work tonite. (so he's not able to talk to me very long. I think thats his strategy.) Told him I'm coming up this wk. end to get some of my stuff. He started getting hyper. When? What? Are you getting a moving van? etc.

 

What does he care. If anyone remembers me, he proposed to me last July 5, then Aug. 5 I found out he met her June 25 , 2 days after our 3 yr. ann. We got back together again Dec.2, after she paid for an all-inclusive trip to Jamaica over Thanksgiving. Yeah, real sick isn't it? He told me he couldn't end it until after this trip (originally he lied, and said he went to Vegas for 3 days...didn't want me to know)

 

He told me he ended it with her. The end of Jan. found out he was still seeing her. I called HER and asked if they were still seeing each other. Suffice it to say she was nasty. He told me later he would end it with her, but he wasn't going to call her and end it in front of me. (should have known better)

 

I left his home April 1. (live 4 hrs away) April 6 he calls and ends it with me. I pay for his cell. I see he's calling her on April 1. He later tells me he wasnt' seeing her. I said, "but you've been calling her??" He said YES. I guess he doesn't call that cheating.

 

So pretty much he quit contact. Wasn't answering my calls until 2 weeks ago. Gave me MUCH more closure than NC. I mean, the last time I had seen him, we made love, then I drove home!!! Now I asked him, do you love her? He said he didn't know....I take that as a yes. Last year he always said, "NO, I love you...." to string me along. I asked him last wk. do you want me to quit loving you? He said YES. My love (obsession) started fading fast...still cry daily tho...

 

With NC, it made me only think of the good times. So I can see why it would make the ex come back. Last fall, because of being on this site, I did the NC thing. He got a letter from me saying. , "You want it over. I can not talk to you, can not see you. It hurts too bad. I will always love you." He had been calling me about a court order -another long story, and I hadn't been answering his phone calls. Shock!!!! He called me after he got my letter, crying. I did not answer. Soon after that he wanted to give it another try because of "memories".

 

Never go back because of memories. You go back because you love them. When we got back together he remembered very quickly why he had the affair. Fights.

 

So he ran back to HER. If you read any of my other posts (I take over other peoples threads--don't know how to make my own...hehe) She had a big fancy house on a huge lake, complete with jetskis and boat. I mean, she only knew him 2 months and she planned taking him to Jamaica. We were to go to Cancun for our honeymoon and that was $3000 dollars, and he didn't want to spend that. Her trip was 4000 that she PAID for! SKANK!!!

 

Well, I got an engagement ring out of it. But I lost our home that i had remodeled for 4 years. I lost my yard that I bought all the plants and flowers and helped landscaped. I lost my future. I lost my hopes and dreams. I lost the ONLY man I have ever loved! My Wedding dress is crammed in a box in his attic.

 

So you tell me...how long do I have to wait until another wonderful man comes strolling into my life??? don't ya think by my age, most wonderful, good-looking, healthy, fun-loving, able to still -"get it up" guys are still married????

 

I still hike, and bike and play badmitton....or at least I did with him. Now I have no one. Time. It's not on my side.

[stevef20]

Hey,

 

I think everyone at some point during the healing asks themself this question, the truth is that only we can answer it, for me it was no, I didn't really want this person, I wanted the person I dreamt she was, the person id put on a throne, is suggest reading your post you might cone to the same conclusion, it doesn't stop the hurt and pain but if you can keep telling yourself that he wasn't the one and treated you terribly it will help.

 

Don't worry about the rambling or venting as its also known its what this place is for.

 

Always here if you need a friend

Steve

[Carus]

So you tell me...how long do I have to wait until another wonderful man comes strolling into my life??? don't ya think by my age, most wonderful, good-looking, healthy, fun-loving, able to still -"get it up" guys are still married????

Although noone can answer that question, I would counter ask: What are the alternatives?

 

I guess one could get out there, join a club, try online dating, really try and look hard, but I've found from all the LTR's I've had, they came when I wasn't looking...But I was in a good place in my head and my life...A place I am certainly not in right now unfortunately.

 

Your post has a lot of anger in it and I hope you can work through that. Being replaced like that is the most painful thing I've ever known and recovery time will vary.

 

And if it helps at all, my mum found a good man at 72. He's 81...They been together a few years now.

 

....I'm no spring chicken either

 

All the best*

 

(Steve: Great to see you posting on a lot of threads*)

Carus* 8-)

[Realitynut]

Kill myself? I just talked to him an hour ago. I'm to go up this weekend to get my things. But I wanted to know how he was "feeling"!!! My downfall for the past 4 years. He always knew how I was feeling.....but I always wanted to know HIS feelings...and I wanted them to be love for me and that he would always be there for me. (and be married).

So today he said he wanted me to "move on". I said I needed to HEAR him tell me his feeling about HER. He didn't want to tell me. I insisted. I said it would help me to move on. (read: hurt even more) I said, do you love her. He said his feeling were growing more everyday. He met her last JUne 25. He met me 4 years ago June 23. He had proposed to me last July 5...for those that don't know.

 

He thought he loved her...just in Feb. when we were back together, he told me she was a drunk. A passing out at the bar kinda drunk. He was sorry he hurt me.

 

Now it's come to this. He said it's because with her it's "easy" with me it was hard. He never felt like he could do enough. That he was never "enough". I understood. I think I have boderline Personality Disorder. Our greatest fear is rejection and abandoment. We push and pull to test their love. Life is a roller-coaster of emotions constantly with us. He was an avoider of all confrontations. Good for me, bad for him. But then I'd KEEP pushing to find out his "feelings" as I did today. Then you lose what you loved the most.

 

He was the best suited person for me. I loved him whole-heartedly. He was everything I wanted. But I pushed and pushed and pushed. Until he left. Not that he was perfect by no means. No one is. But I always knew when I was on a rampage, that I still loved him. I had hoped he could forgive me, cuz when I was nice, I was very, very nice, but when I was bad, I was horrid. Yes. And one time he did mention the curl in the middle of my forhead....while I was giving him a BJ. lol

 

So now I'm sitting here. An empty shell. Numbness in my face, and in my heart. Its not just an emotional pain, it's actually physical. To think you were to be in love your whole life, and I've been replaced by a drunk,younger, rich woman. Because she is easy...life with her is easy. And I am hard. And that is the reason for breakups dear hearts. Some break up over boredom. Believe me, he was never bored with me. I did everything for him. I gave everything to him. I gave my heart and soul, but because of this Damn BPD I've destroyed everything. I just realized I had it. One of my customers 3 years ago suggested it to me, she was a mental health nurse. Or I would never have heard of it. They say someone with BPD will NEVER find someone to love, cuz no one can put up with the roller-coaster. I am doomed. I am old.

 

I had been fairly sexy for my age. Long blonde hair, fairly attractive, fun.....needy, clingy, emotionally unstable. Now I'm an empty blob, a shell of a person, sitting on this couch night after night....I truly wish I was dead. I had thought that for 2 months. Got over that feeling just 4 days ago. Now I talked to him again. closure. Final. The end. Over. He loves someone else. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Truly. I have no future. Unless you call an empty future a life.

 

I feel depression washing over me. I thought I had just climbed out of that depair!!! and its back...To be 57 and to have NOTHING. He told me to stop wallowing. I know I am. I'm not stupid. I know what I SHOULD be doing. But my head feels like a leaden ball. I was in bed until 4 this afternoon. I don't go to bed until the sun is rising. I don't feel like going to bed alone, and then I don't want to get out of bed to face another day of nothing...I had EVERYTHING with him.

 

And now she and him are boating with her damn boat, and her big million dollar house on the lake. He's in his home that I worked on and made beautiful in the last 4 years. And I'm sitting in a s*ithole of an apartment that I got in my divorce. I had a mouse and a bat in here the other night. I have less than I did when I was in my 20's. I've given up. I really do wish I was dead. Really I do. Another BPD trait. Threats of suicide. I did that with him to. See? I'm a lost cause.

[Silverbirch]

Hi LN, I suspect that at least part of the reason for the obsessing is that WE, as the dumpees, are the ones who have experienced rejection, betrayal, abandonment. It has been OUR self-esteem and confidence which has most likely taking a hiding, usually much more than the dumpers. Despite what anyone says, most of us do take it personally, at least at some level. I know for a fact that my ex takes a secret ego boost from believing that a woman who he was with around a year prior to me "never got over him". It's what he chooses to believe. It helps him feel better about himself.

 

I need to work hard at not letting my self-esteem and confidence depend on how another person treats me. I know I was a good partner and great friend to him. I know that I need to see his ending of the relationship in another light rather than as simply a rejection of me. To be honest with you, I do believe that he won't find a person who will treat him as well as I did and was as loyal and loving. I'm not ugly despite the fact that often of late I feel I am. I truly believe, also from my exes past history as I know it today, that he would sabotage every single relationship he ever has. Repeat: WE NEED TO STOP TAKING IT PERSONALLY

[annieperson]

Thanks for your post LN. I was reading it like I wrote it! i think your ex went to the same relationship school as my ex! lol I sit around so sad and over analyzing everything and then there is another part of me that reminds me of why we broke up in the first place and I ask myself why am I so upset about losing something that, in the end, wasnt good at all!

Loss is loss though. I think that even though not being together may be the right thing to do we have to go through the stages of grief. It hasnt been fun but I have to admit that having friends to talk to on this forum that know what I am going through is very helpful. Stay strong!

[cjones22]

I know exactly how you feel. It took me a while, but I learned that break ups happen for a reason. The 6 months of misery after the break up, I was remembering the guy from the begnining of the relationship, the "perfect" guy. I was failing to remember the guy at the end of the relationship, the one that didn't care, didn't put in effort, expected me to wait on him hand and foot, and constantly picked little fights with me, showing me how little priority I was, etc. We tried to reconcile for 6 months, and before we would hang out, I would get so excited and butterflies in my stomach, expecting the night to go "perfect" just like the good ole days. But those nights, more often then not, ended up in disppointment. He wasn't the same guy that was in the beginning of the relationship. Arguments and such...because we had broken up for a reason...it's been a year now and I realize I missed the idea of him, the void he once filled in my heart, more then I actually missed him. I do feel lonely sometimes, but I'd rather be lonely than be dealing with the headaches he brought to me. Maybe you'll come to the same conclusion. Good luck!

[LN1987]

Jeu Cjones22. I hope so. I guess my biggest hurdle is we had traveled os for 5 weeks just before the BU so a lot of our issues were hidden for a while. Giong from being with him 24/7 to a BU really took its toll. But look there were heaps of things that he did, we did that were not ok and led to the BU. I guess it is hard when I can see things from his POV and would apologise and work on such issues, but he will continue his cold stance and inability to resolve things. I guess that is the biggest deal breaker as it is hard working with someone who wont budge an inch right?