Am I a fixer upper or what?!?!

[CarnelianButterfly]

I went out with a marathon runner, he's made it clear he's attracted to me and wants to see me again, I feel the same, so a second date maybe in the future. As he is a marathon runner he is very active. I'm only moderately active. I've been jogging as a way of losing weight (and its working, down 20#). He asked about what I do for exercise and when I said I had started jogging he offered to give me advice. I appreciate the advice and his interest in my activities, but I have dealt with several men that want to make me a project, so I'm suspicious of this new guy because of it. I'm hoping I'm wrong, but it doesn't hurt to be careful.

 

I know where I am right now I'm not living to my full potential, but it is a little annoying to be treated like a project. My ex was always pestering me about things, the guy I briefly dated was nicer about it, but he'd still push me, the sociopath with his crazy ideas, and so on.

 

I'm not a project!!!

 

I have to do things in my own time, encouragement is helpful, but I don't do things the same way as everyone else. I have anxiety and fear issues that I have to deal with every time I do something. The larger the change, the larger my mental hurdles, I am not confident at first blush, I have to build myself up.

 

I'm not sure how to even feel about it any more. I wonder if its me, am I just that messed up that everyone wants to fix me? Or am I meeting men that share the Mr. Fix-it trait? Do I do anything different?

[DN]

I think you are over-reacting.

[Ariel85]

So then why do you keep dating men that are so much the opposite of you? Didn't the last guy get abusive about your weight and fitness level because he was *supposedly* so fit and thin himself?

 

Seems like you're setting yourself up, and you should seek out men that are more compatible.

[90_hour_sleep]

 

I have to do things in my own time, encouragement is helpful, but I don't do things the same way as everyone else. I have anxiety and fear issues that I have to deal with every time I do something. The larger the change, the larger my mental hurdles, I am not confident at first blush, I have to build myself up.

 

realistically...i think most people are capable of understanding and relating to this. i know too many people that respond the same way for it to be some kind of coincidence. i mean...i understand it's only been one date...but what's the harm in being honest? i know it's all some sort of game for alot of people...and the masks have to stay up until that point where they feel safe. but...it's dating. so you admit to a guy that you're not a hardcore marathon runner. what happens next? he laughs in your face? great!! or...he jumps all over it and says he can't wait to make you better!! awesome...date successful. you've officially eliminated another guy who doesn't really fit what you're looking for. but then...there's always the chance that he responds in a different way. maybe he sees that you're okay with being you...that you're mildly insecure in some ways...but you're really for the most part okay with being you. maybe he appreciates your candor. maybe he appreciates the fact that you're not going to hide behind the things that worry you. maybe he sees potential in that. maybe he sees that you're strong enough to step up to the plate in the face of rejection. i think there are a multitude of things one never considers when it comes to that latent fear of rejection. but what have you got to lose?

 

i mean...if he's looking for a marathon partner...fine...different story. but if he's looking for someone to get to know...i don't think it hurts.

 

 

[sadchick83]

I used to run Ultramarathons and compete at a very high level. I have coached marathon training groups and found them to be annoying. I recall one group who placed themselves in the group that would finish in 3hours 30 minutes, and they were all first time Marathon runners. So and so used to win the warm up...you get my drift Anyway, it became ridiculously competitive, and they all end up injured weeks before the race.

 

I switched to coaching the people who just hoped to finish their first marathon and had a lovely experience.

 

CB, keep this in mind, long distance running is a lonely sport. A marathon runner is not part of a team, the glory of winning is all for one's self. I think this guy is being selfish here. Maybe you like an activity, like knitting, drawing, or swimming. Is he making any effort to take an interest in you activities?? Is he taking your advice?? I don't know if this is true, but I have had the same experience with some long distance running men. The ones on the group were so competitive and arrogant. I would hate to be given advice as well.

[TakingtheBlame]

I don't know, I think this guy is just trying to connect using what he perceives as a common interest between the two of you. Sure he could try and take an interest in something that you, alone, enjoy...but if he doesn't know much about that, then it'd be hard to connect over that. I run too and when I've dated guys in the past who also enjoyed running, I was very quick to suggest that we trade running/diet tips and perhaps take a jog in the park together at some point...not because I wanted to fix them but because it was something we could share. Thinking of fun date/conversation topics with a new romantic prospect is hard, after all!

 

I think the other guys were just bad apples but I wouldn't write this guy off just yet...sounds like he's just trying to bond and make conversation. You seem reasonable and able to spot red flags, so just be on the lookout for any unsavory behavior going forward, but I wouldn't consider a marathoner giving running advice an aspiring Mr. Fix It.

[Miss Firecracker]

Carnelian,

 

I am guilty of that myself. When someone takes up sweepstaking, I give them way too much advice. It's because I want them to win!! Try not to take that personally You know you're doing great if you've lost 20 lbs. He doesn't have a clue this could be an insult to you.

[mfan]

I went out with a marathon runner, he's made it clear he's attracted to me and wants to see me again, I feel the same, so a second date maybe in the future. As he is a marathon runner he is very active. I'm only moderately active. I've been jogging as a way of losing weight (and its working, down 20#). He asked about what I do for exercise and when I said I had started jogging he offered to give me advice. I appreciate the advice and his interest in my activities

 

I don't think you're a "project", but this guy could be an "adviser" -- you know, the type of person who only likes other people that they can give advice to and that listen to them. You are right to be suspicious. You are not overreacting. You need to see what happens if you DON'T "buy into" all his advice. Will he still like you if you are independent-minded and rebellious?

 

Make sure he still likes you when you don't follow his advice. Again, some people are on power trips and they lose interest in other people when they can't influence them. The fact that you're losing weight is great, but it is independent of this guy. What will happen if you say "Thanks, I have a good idea now what I am doing"?

[Ms Darcy]

You are being hard on this guy without enough evidence due to your baggage. Date fat guys who love your body and be done with it

[Miss Firecracker]

I can understand why you're worried after what you've encountered lately.

[Ms Darcy]

I think if you want a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy yourself. Your worries are natural but not conducive to what you want. If you start seeing monsters around every corner, they are going to start popping up you know? We all have baggage but I'd rather be single than let my baggage direct me while I'm dating. Nothing wrong with taking a break and working on you.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think you are over-reacting.

I had a feeling I was being paranoid. I suppose my recent issues have made me sensitive, I know I need some outside perspective to smack me back to reality.

Make sure he still likes you when you don't follow his advice. Again, some people are on power trips and they lose interest in other people when they can't influence them. The fact that you're losing weight is great, but it is independent of this guy. What will happen if you say "Thanks, I have a good idea now what I am doing"?

I won't intentionally go against his advice just to see the response, I don't want to play games like that, but I'm sure there will be a point when I don't follow his advice. If he's offended by that, then I'll know.

You are being hard on this guy without enough evidence due to your baggage. Date fat guys who love your body and be done with it

Fat guys are no different. My ex was fat, 6" and 260#, he made me aware that I was the heaviest woman he'd ever dated. He didn't love my body, he was critical of my weight and got himself the hypocrite badge. He continued to talk trash about my weight after we broke up.

So then why do you keep dating men that are so much the opposite of you? Didn't the last guy get abusive about your weight and fitness level because he was *supposedly* so fit and thin himself?

 

Seems like you're setting yourself up, and you should seek out men that are more compatible.

I don't seek out men that are my opposites, I go out with men that I find attractive. Our interests did seem compatible. We had a good conversation, he's as big a movie nerd as me, he's may not be a space geek, but he did make some effort to talk about my passion. He's an architect, so we talked houses and found we both would love to buy a bungalow in our area and restore it. He thought it was cool that I know how to do woodwork. We talked cars and mechanical stuff, he seemed to like my enthusiasm for engineering.

[dramallama]

One thing that you have to keep in mind is that mean are results-orientated. He saw a chance to give you advice so that you improve (the result), so in his eyes he has done well because he has helped you with a challenge so he has done his job successfully. However, as a woman, you are considering not the end goal, but the path along the way - the emotions that it has taken to get there. He probably wasn't even aware of him hurting your feelings or treating you like a project, because that is not how his mind works. He saw a problem and he fixed it. I'm not saying that you are right or wrong, but I'm just giving you a different perspective.

[Ariel85]

I don't seek out men that are my opposites, I go out with men that I find attractive. Our interests did seem compatible. We had a good conversation, he's as big a movie nerd as me, he's may not be a space geek, but he did make some effort to talk about my passion. He's an architect, so we talked houses and found we both would love to buy a bungalow in our area and restore it. He thought it was cool that I know how to do woodwork. We talked cars and mechanical stuff, he seemed to like my enthusiasm for engineering.

 

I'm not talking about compatible interests. I'm talking about compatible lifestyles. If you're working through a weight problem, then it's going to make it difficult to keep dating very fit men. I think that's why they keep wanting to "fix" you. They find common interests, but not a common lifestyle.

[Ms Darcy]

Fat guys are no different. My ex was fat, 6" and 260#, he made me aware that I was the heaviest woman he'd ever dated. He didn't love my body, he was critical of my weight and got himself the hypocrite badge. He continued to talk trash about my weight after we broke up.

 

I don't seek out men that are my opposites, I go out with men that I find attractive.

 

Although I was joking, there is a difference between fat hypocrites and fat guys who love your body.

[DN]

Isn't all of this somewhat over the top based on this and only this:

He asked about what I do for exercise and when I said I had started jogging he

offered to give me advice.

If he became insistent about it then you could start wondering about whether he wants to make you into a project. But it isnt unusual when someone has an expertise to offer a newbie some advice.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm not talking about compatible interests. I'm talking about compatible lifestyles. If you're working through a weight problem, then it's going to make it difficult to keep dating very fit men. I think that's why they keep wanting to "fix" you. They find common interests, but not a common lifestyle.

I don't consider my weight a problem, it's an aspect of myself I want to change, but I don't see the need to give it a negative label.

 

These are the men that are approaching me, I did not initiate contact. I generally cruise the dating sites and only pick guys that indicate my body type as being acceptable. The men that have a similar lifestyle to me don't seem to have any interest in me.

[Ms Darcy]

The men that have a similar lifestyle to me don't seem to have any interest in me.

 

Lifestyle is not the most important. You would rather have someone who has similar values and that's the guy who'll stay with you and not try to get you to lose a few pounds. Lifestyle and values would be ideal, but I would prefer values.

[lavenderdove]

It is normal/healthy for couples to have some interests they share together, and some they don't. He may not care less whether you are a runner or not. But on first date, people struggle to have topics to discuss, and if he's a runner and you brought up that you started running he may be trying to impress you with his knowledge!

 

So i don't take it as a bad sign and wouldn't overreact based on your past experiences. Now if he tells you to get off your lard-ass and go running because you're too fat, then you have a problem and should dump him!

[Day_Walker]

It seems to me that since you acknowledge that you "arent at your full potential" that this feeling of being a "project" is coming from you and your past experiences.

 

So far this guy is just trying to help you with something that he is familiar with. If it goes beyond that then he sees you as a project but at this point he just seems to be taking an interest

[CarnelianButterfly]

Isn't all of this somewhat over the top based on this and only this:

If he became insistent about it then you could start wondering about whether he wants to make you into a project. But it isnt unusual when someone has an expertise to offer a newbie some advice.

I am blowing it out of proportion.

 

I've become so suspicious of men. I'm not even sure who is a jerk and who is just trying to be helpful.

 

I'm going to go out with him again. I'm not going to write him off, he deserves more than that.