Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum. It is 10pm and I'm laying in bed in the spare bedroom. My husband is in the next room.... We have been together 3 1/2 years and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We have a 16 month old daughter, a cat and a dog. My husband and I haven't had a perfect relationship but I love him and i love our little girl. My husband is bipolar and has ADD, he takes medication for this but it does not seem to help much. Our biggest problem is communication. We go through cycles where we are happy, then one of us gets pissed, nothing is really talked through and we go days being miserable until an argument breaks out. So last week it happened again...he was being distant and I asked him what was wrong. I was not prepared for what he said next...he said he was not happy with me and that there was someone else. My heart stopped and I couldnt believe what he had just said. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I asked him who it was and after 2 tries I said my sister and he said yes. I never in my entire life thought this would happen to me. I'm completely devastated and I do not know how to recover from this. My sister has never led him on but in his mind he has been living in this fantasy world and he thinks she feels something for him. She doesn't even know that he is having these feelings. He says he loves me and he is riddled with guilt but doesn't know how to stop feeling this way. He said he never meant for it to happen and yet it has. My whole world has crumbled...I feel ashamed/embarrased to tell my family any of this so I've had to keep it to myself but it is killing me. He said he wants to do counseling, both for his own issues and marriage counseling for the both of us. I told him I will do it but I'm so scared...I don't want to lose him and I want to believe that the feelings he is experiencing are just a fabrication of his own mind but he said the feelings are very strong. I never picked up on this because he has always been kinda rude to my sis, we've even gotten into arguments about it in the past. She comes over to our place a lot because she loves spending time with her niece. I love my sister but now when I look at her I feel like throwing up. Me and her are close but I just can't tell her this.... I don't know what to do...I want to save my marriage but at the same time I don't know if this is something our marriage can overcome... I'm at least thankful that he did not cheat on me... Is there anybody here that has gone through something similar? I have seeked help and will be starting therapy next week. But until then my stomach is in knots and my heart in pieces. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Do you think it's a possibility that he married you to be close to your sister? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Please don't take this out on your sis. If she doesn't feel the same for him, and more so, is totally oblivious about his feelings then he has a crush on her. She is not cheating with your husband. I think this less has to do with real attraction and more to do with obsessive thoughts that he has somehow and she just currently happens to be the recipient of this obsession right now. This is a new one to me - I have seldom written to people about one-sided relationships like this outside of folks who are young teens and dealing with the "he/she doesn't know I am alive." I think counseling is a good thing for sure. I am divided over whether you should take your sister out to lunch, etc, and confide in her about this. Maybe she can aid in bringing his illusion to a halt. But I am not sure. I have to think on this one. But if his medications aren't working, has anything else worked? Is he in therapy? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Hi Corrine, welcome to ENA. First, *hug* I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it must be very confusing, frightening, and infuriating all at once. I think the marriage counseling is a very good idea and I am so glad that you are going to see a therapist by yourself also. Now, as to the relationship with your sister. You have a few options. A) Never under any circumstance tell her about this B) Tell her so that you can get it off your chest C) Wait and see what your therapist recommends. I think option C is your best bet. Sometime you have to let sleeping dogs lie. But, you sister might pick up that something is wrong, ask you about it and depending on where you are emotionally you might blurt it out without meaning to. Because I this I think you need to plan what you would say to her if that were to happen. I wish I had words of wisdom to give you. Hang in there, the road a head is not going to be easy. You and your husband might come out better for this, you might deiced that you want to leave him, anything is possible, but you will get through it. Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 To dramallama, no he said he has been feeling like this since last July. He said that when he married me, he loved me completely and had no idea what would happen. abitbroken- No I'm not taking it out on my sis, I'm not upset with her at all, she has done nothing wrong. I just get sick at the thought of him feeling that way about her. It's so strange because he actually imagines she feels something he told me "then why does she come over here all the time then!" and I told him it was because of the baby and not him, I told him that she could never feel that way about him. Then it was like something clicked...he grabbed me and said "its a fantasy, it's not real, I need help" He will start counseling next week as well. I have my apt on monday and he has his on tuesday. We will be seeing different therapists. then we will schedule an apt with a marriage counselor. He is on 3 different meds that just keep messing with his mind. I want to be optimistic that we will get through this but I just don't know... He said "your sister is only a small part of this, there are just a lot of things in this relationship that i am not happy with" but for me....I can't get past the whole sister thing. That is killing me. I have already lost 4 pounds since Thursday... Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Thank you Moontiger for the kind words. I don't want to tell my sister anything yet, but I definitely want to keep him away from her. He said he has been trying to stay away from her, when she comes over he leaves the room or he goes to the gym. I took it as him being rude because i didn't know what was going on. My birthday is in a couple of weeks and my family was suppose to come over to our place to celebrate, I'm going to cancel that or move it to my parents. I don't want him to be around her, least not for a while until we can talk to a therapist... This is just so hard... Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 OK, Im going to give you a slightly different perspective... impulsiveness is a trait of people with ADD. I just re-read your message and think you could have fed him his response??? It seems like he just blurted out an answer. If he has never been particularly nice to your sister, and she has never noticed anything odd, how could this have been hidden from her, and even to some extent you?? It's almost as if you could have interchanged, are you in love with my sister? with are you in love with my best friend? Are you sure its your sister????? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 She doesn't even know that he is having these feelings. She comes over to our place a lot because she loves spending time with her niece. . Are you 100% sure she comes over such a lot only because she loves time with her nieces? Are you 100% sure she has no idea that he has these feelings for her? Have you asked her directly? Did your husband tell you directly that she has no idea how he feels for her? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just throwing things out there to think about, as it is never wise to take things at face value. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hopefully therapy will help you get through this! Link to comment
DN Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I asked him who it was and after 2 tries I said my sister and he said yes. I never picked up on this because he has always been kinda rude to my sis, What was it that made you guess it was your sister so quickly? Link to comment
SharkFanatic Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 What an awful situation. I think your husband said this because he wanted to hurt you or seriously destabilise the relationship. Looks like it worked. Is there any history of emotional abuse in your relationship? Frequent power struggles? Infrequent power struggles that lead to awful fights? Name calling? Belittling? Edited: You indicate that your husband is bipolar? How often does he cycle? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Oh - I think this is all stemming from his mental illness and behavioral disorders, and the meds he takes for both. Bipolarism is hard enough to treat on its own, and if hes taking amphetamines for the ADD, then he's really out of whack. In combination, these drugs can often cause hallucinations, not to mention a real break with reality like he's experiencing. I don't believe for a second he has real feelings for your sister. He's just severely imbalanced ATM. And don't hate your sister. If his projection wasn't on her, it would be your nail girl or your hairdresser. Go to counseling, and have him see a pharma psychiatrist - someone who specializes only in prescribing meds. It's encouraging he suggested it himself. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Im standing by my opinion and Ariel's. I've been diagnosed with ADD, take ritalin, then have to take sleeping pills to sleep. I have tranquilizers for the worst days....anyway, the ritalin can make a person extremely paranoid and over think everything. Ritalin stimulates and suppresses hunger, so your head ends up spinning and you can get a bit nasty if you dont remember to eat. Sounds like he has to adjust his meds, withdrawn one day, confrontational another day, then delusional??? You wanna borrow some of my tranqs-for yourself???? Link to comment
tresqua Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 What was it that made you guess it was your sister so quickly? ^^ This. Exactly what I was thinking. Why in the heck would you think of your sister if the idea is so far fetched? My guess is they've got something going on, there's subtle exchanges going on between them and, the "rudeness" is just a coverup and you're sort of in denial about it, at least on a conscious level. Link to comment
faithful14 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 What was it that made you guess it was your sister so quickly? This was my thought exactly. How did you correctly guess your sister? Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 sadchick83 - I have 2 sisters and my first guess was a co-worker and he said no, then I said "it's someone in my family isn't it?" and he said yes. Then I said, "its one of my sisters?" and he said yes. Then he told me which one. It's my youngest sister...so yes it is her... Capricorn 3- He directly told me that she has no clue, he would never tell her and he told me he would never cheat on me. He doesn't want me to tell her. I know my sister very well and I'm 100% sure she does not feel that way about him. He is totally not her type and she didn't really like him. I think she has accepted him now but she thinks he's a nerd and he's socially akward and quiet. She likes guys that are outgoing and funny. She actually dated a guy that was very much like my husband and she said "oh no, this guy is a nerd and didn't have anything to say, I can't deal with that, he's kinda like (then she shot a glance in my husbands direction)". We see her about once a week. She will either come visit the baby or we go over to my parents so they can spend time with the baby and since she lives at home still we see her there. DN - I knew it had to be someone in my family because we don't really hang out with many other ppl and he doesn't really have female friends. That's why my first guess was a co-worker. SharkFanatic- He said he had to tell me because the guilt has been hurting him for a long time now No we don't do name calling and we never scream at each other. I think it's just normal arguments. But because his mind isn't right he thinks we argue because I don't love him anymore. I'm not sure what you mean by how often does he cycle? Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Oh - I think this is all stemming from his mental illness and behavioral disorders, and the meds he takes for both. Bipolarism is hard enough to treat on its own, and if hes taking amphetamines for the ADD, then he's really out of whack. In combination, these drugs can often cause hallucinations, not to mention a real break with reality like he's experiencing. I don't believe for a second he has real feelings for your sister. He's just severely imbalanced ATM. And don't hate your sister. If his projection wasn't on her, it would be your nail girl or your hairdresser. Go to counseling, and have him see a pharma psychiatrist - someone who specializes only in prescribing meds. It's encouraging he suggested it himself. Yes he definitely has breaks with reality, a lot of times I catch him "daydreaming" it's like he is in another world and he'll just be muttering and smiling or sometimes laughing and i think maybe he is just thinking of something funny that happened that day but when I try to get his attention it takes a few min. to get a response from him. I fear that one day he will be lost in his own world completely. I want to believe that the feelings aren't real but he said he has been having them for almost a year and that worries me, not to mention that he said that they are very strong. My sister is very different from me, she is very upbeat and outgoing while I'm kinda shy and reserved. Because he is bipolar, people that are happy and cheerful appeal to him. Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 He is also very paranoid and he is worried he might be schizophernic...that's why he wants to go to counseling. He knows his mind is very messed up and knows he needs help. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I think if you suspect that he might schizophrenic, you're better off getting him assessed by both a psychologist and psychiatrist and do it now. It is a very serious illness and he needs medication so that his brain can be balanced. Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 he is the one that suspects it, i don't really know much about it. I do know that paranoia is a symptom and he definitely is paranoid. I hope counseling can help determine that... Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 A counsellor does not have the qualifications to assess whether he has it or not. The best thing they will do is tell you to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. You should use the internet to read up on the condition... Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Corinne - like SadChick said, I also took ritalin until very recently, then had to take sleeping pills to go to sleep, then assorted other fun pills. The cocktail made me crazy. Even though the doc and pharmacist said they won't interact -they do. I would be aggressive, delusional, paranoid, defensive, and a whole host of other fun emotions. I really think the cocktail of meds he's on, combined with his bipolarism and ADD is what's making him this way. Truly. Like I said earlier, bipolarism is very hard to treat on it's own, and if you add in some uppers for the ADD, then it is a recipe for disaster. I think all of this is a really bad chemical reaction. If your husband were genuinely schizophrenic, he would never suggest it. He is paranoid from the drugs, and is lucid enough to know he's not right at the moment. All good stuff - shows the real him is buried below the meds which are making him insane. As I suggested, find a pharma psychiatrist. Marriage counseling is a waste right now, as until he gets himself well, it would be counterproductive. Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 He is not currently on Ritalin. He is on wellbutrin which the doctor told him would help treat the ADD. But last week the doc put him on Zoloft as well to help him with anxiety since he has been having a lot of anxiety lately. I believe he is also on seroquil? He just came in to the room to get a pillow from me and I asked him if he is looking up my sis on facebook as she is a friend on there. (I noticed about an hour ago that he posted a reply to some status she posted nearly 2 months ago). I told him I didn't want him looking her up on there and he said he was going to do what he wanted. I asked him if he was deliberatally trying to hurt me and he said no but that he is sorry he loves my sister. Then he said "i'm sorry but this may not work out". I'm so angry and hurt... Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 It doesn't sound like he is in the right place at the moment if he is paranoid, so take what he says with a grain of salt. Doctors, if you live in the US, are paid to give out medication like candy because they are encouraged to by the pharmaceutical companies. I agree that they are necessary in some cases, but in others they can have bad side effects. I would book an appointment with a psychiatrist ASAP. Link to comment
Corrine Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 I'll try to talk to him about it tomorrow but right now he doesn't want to talk until we see a therapist together (he just told me this, said he wants to be separated until then). Hopefully tomorrow he will be more open to conversation... Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 All you can do is respect his wishes until then. Link to comment
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