Am I holding on to false hope?

[hpinky]

My ex boyfriend and I broke up four weeks ago today. We were together for almost four years. He broke up with me. At first he didn't really explain why we broke up. He didn't answer my phone calls or texts. He finally told me why he broke up with me. The reason was that he no longer felt that he could trust me. He said "you were the person I turned to when things go bad but now I have no trust or faith in you". This needs some background info so here goes,

 

For about two months prior a lot happened in his life, he lost complete custody of his 2 kids to his ex wife and her husband just signed papers to adopt them. His eldest brother tried to commit suicide and work has been completely overbearing for him. (we work together). During that time I was unhappy because he was upset all the time around me but was cheery at work (I was really selfish at this point because I didn't try to understand what he was going through. I later realized that he was putting on a charade in at work to keep people from noticing.) But he drove me crazy because there was this girl that would flirt with everyone at work, him included. I got jealous and angry. I began to confide in my so called friends at work. Well word got out that he and I were having problems and everyone began to gossip about us. (this isn't the first time this has happened where I'd confide in the wrong people). He had asked me before not to talk about our personal life at work and each time I promised I'd stop. Obviously I didn't hence our break up. This is why he feels like he just can't trust me. He says that he's embaressed that people at work knows about our sex life. The owner even approached him telling him to get his personal life straight. I've genuinely apologized to him and promised I wouldnt do it again and that's when he said what makes this time different from others.

 

So far he's told me that he loves me and that his feelings of love and care for me will never change. He said he feels as if I'm the girl he'd spend the rest of his life with. He said he does miss me and at times want to call me and have me come home but he feels that it would selfish of him to do so because he's still unsure of what he wants. He said he needs time and space. We spoke of still living together and he said he doesn't know how he'll handle it when I'm dating other people and he witnesses it so he doesn't think it's a good idea.

 

One night I was verbally harassed by a bunch of drunk guys so I removed myself from the situation. I was really upset about it and I called him. He comforted me and told me how great of a person I am and that I shouldn't take what they said personally. I was crying to him and he accidentally called me honey while comforting me. He told me to never feel as if I can't call him. I took this as him still caring about me deeply.

 

He has told me that he still loves me and cares for me. He said he needs time to work on himself and to cope with what happened with us. Since our break up I have been working on not mixing my personal in with work. He has made attempts to tell me small secrets of his again. I took this as him trying to trust me again.

 

I dunno what to do. I'm so confused. My instincts tells me well get back together and this is a huge bump on our road. My head is telling me that I'm tired of feeling anything and I want to just numb myself. Any advice will be most appreciated. (please don't be mean to me, I am going through a rough time and and remorseful for losing his trust)

[dramallama]

Why did he completely lose custody of both of his children?

 

I think it is fair that he broke up with you since he asked you to stop gossiping about private matters between you, especially when he was going through a rough time. You should have been his soft place to fall and someone to console in. It just damages trust because he has no-one to turn to without fear of you telling others about it.

 

He is aware that you would like to work on the relationship, so I think you should treat this like a break up and give him the space that he is asking for, especially since he is unsure what he wants. If he would like to be in a relationship with you, then he will let you know. Otherwise, just leave him be, as hard as it is. Wouldn't you prefer that he came back to you, if he was to come back, sure that he wanted to be with you? Instead of you trying to coax him back into a relationship? Trusting someone and trying again is a choice, so let that be his choice and tell him that you are going to assume that you two are broken up for good unless he decides that he would like to reconcile.

[hpinky]

Thanks for your quick response. I've been trying to give him space. I do get scared that he would never want to get back together His ex wife came up with an agreement with him and it got mixed-up and she didn't stick to her word that's what lead to his losing custody. It was complicated.

 

I asked him if he has ever thought about reconciliation and he said yes, he's just not ready. He said he doesn't know how he'll feel tomorrow or the next day.

[dramallama]

Then give him time. That is all you can do. Stop asking about the relationship - at all. If he ever wants to get back together, then he will let you know.

 

And if you never get back together with him, see it as a lesson. That you need to listen and support your partner during rough times. When they ask you a reasonable request, such as stop gossiping, then do it - that is if your relationship is more important than your work colleagues needing to know. If that is the decision that he makes, there is nothing much you can do. It's his decision so the best thing to do would be treat it like a break up at this point - because it is. Tell him that you want to give him space, and that you can't wait for him forever, so you are going to treat it like a break up unless he tells you that he wants to work on things again.

[hpinky]

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate any advice that I can get. Yesterday at work he initiated conversation with me and told me about his plans for the night. He had to go visit his first wife who has cancer. I felt as if he wanted to confide in me and let me know what he was doing. I'm trying not to read into this too much but I want to believe that he's trying to slowly trust me again. Any thoughts?

[lavenderdove]

Courts are extremely leery of totally terminating parental rights of fathers in a way that would allow adoption by someone else without th father's consent. They usually only do so if there are strong indicators of sexual or physical abuse involved. Are you sure you know the real reasons his rights were terminated, or that he didn't sign them away voluntarily?

 

This guy may have deeper secrets that he's afraid you'll blab if you ever find them out... could explain why he's so sensitive on the subject.

[chitown9]

=hpinky;4847671]Thank you for your advice. I appreciate any advice that I can get. Yesterday at work he initiated conversation with me and told me about his plans for the night.

He had to go visit his first wife who has cancer.

I felt as if he wanted to confide in me and let me know:sad: what he was doing. I'm trying not to read into this too much but I want to believe that he's trying to slowly trust me again. Any thoughts?

 

 

This is yet another ex-wife? My thought is that he has a lot of baggage.:sad:

[hpinky]

It's not his bagage I'm worried about. I went into the relationship with him knowing about his ex wives. He's told me full detail of why he lost custody of his kids. I just didn't want to go into detail about it. He's always been pretty open about his past with me. Its not that that makes me unhappy. Hes the most caring person I know. The thing is is that I betrayed his trust so many times that he now no longer trusts me. I have myself to blame on that matter. I'm not saying that he's perfect and I just can't live without him, I'm just saying that I'm very sad that I've hurt him to the point where he doesn't trust me. It took him breaking up with me for me to realize how selfish I was when I blabbed about us to my so called friends at work. They took everything I said to them in confidence and told the whole work place. I just want to be able to gain his trust again.

[hpinky]

So just an update. I don't really care if any one replies at this point I just wanted to write this down and get my thoughts out. Today I went to get some clothes from our apartment. He was there and asleep (he's told me that I'm welcome to come by any time because my stuff is still there). I grabbed some clothes and did some laundry when he came out and said hi to me. I continued to do the laundry and he came up to me and hugs me. Of course my emotions are flying everywhere and I held him tight like he was with me. He went to take a shower while I played with the animals a little before I left and I was waiting for the laundry to be done. He came out to the living room after the shower and sat there to watch the ball game. I finished what I was doing and I hugged him bye. As I was walking away he called out to me and asked me over. We hugged some more and he started to message my back. In my head I'm thinking oh goodness this isn't good. We kissed and he was trying for more. I told him no, I said that he broke up with me so this isn't something I'm up for. I got up, kissed him on the forehead. He asked me to call him later and I said sure and left. He texted me later that night apologizing for his behavior and said it wouldn't happen again. Of course I want him back but not as a friends with benefits. (We had talked before this moment about hanging out and he didn't want to because he would feel uncomfortable with his emotions and himself, I think he knew he would pull something like this and didn't want to confuse me.) I wanted to keep things light and positive because I do want him back, so I said "It's ok, I know I was looking sexy tonight. You're human." I felt very empowered today because even though I wanted to I didn't have sex with him.

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you for steering clear. Keep giving him space.

[hpinky]

Thank you ms darcy

[hpinky]

I don't know if anyone is still reading this but I'm just updating things. It's been a month and one week. I haven't really done no contact. Things have gotten better. We are talking and texting more often. If I call he always picks up, if he's not there he always calls me back. I told him that I was rooming with a guy and he was worried bout my safety. He asked questions about the guy. I don't know if staying in contact is good or bad. It's been a couple days since we last spoke about the relationship. I left for Maryland this morning and he was suppose to go tobreakfast with me, he didn't wake up. ( I'm not mad though he didn't go to bed until 3am he had paperwork and things he had to catch up on). I call him at 9am this morning and he didn't wake up. He called me later on today and told me that he wished that I'd call him more than once to try and wake him up. I could've gotten mad and said well why didn't you try but I didn't really care anymore. He and I are getting along pretty well lately. Hopefully well get back together. I know he loves me and misses me. Right now I'm ok with just that.

[hpinky]

I'm starting to feel sad again lately. Things aren't progressing as fast as I want it to. We spoke the other day and plan to hang out when I get back into town. I know I should feel good about that as others don't even have that chance but this unknown is aggravating me. I am a very impatient person. I get anxiety so bad to the point where I have no impulse control. I need help with that. Can anyone help me control my impulses and my anxiety. When my anxiety hits I start thinking bad things, I'd start assuming he doesn't love me and that he doesn't think about me (which he's assured me that he does love me and think about me). We had a talk one day and I told him how I found the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, he looked at me and was like "give me his name Imma kick his ass". I'm so frustrated. Recently he spoke of how he was tired and I told him ill give him a back massage and he said it wouldnt be appropriate. I just dont understand. My anxiety starts going crazy and my mind starts jumping all over the place.