Confused and unsure....

[talkalot]

I'm not sure if this post is under the right heading, but I'll leave it here for now.

I'm very confused at this point and I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm in my early 20's and finishing up college right now, I'll be graduating at the end of June. I have a decent job and have been working since a very young age, juggling both work and school throughout most of high school and all of college. I consider myself a good kid, i don't do stupid things- i don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't even party or drink (other than having a drink or two with friends every once in a while). I have a bf and we've been dating for almost two years. My parents are very tough and very strict, especially my mother. She had a tough childhood growing up and has been on her own since an early age. Growing up I was always in trouble for stupid things, out of fear that I would "chose the wrong path" or make bad decisions in life, so most of my life I've been a loner because I was never allowed to do things most kids my age were doing. Both my parents love me and would do/give anything for me, i know this for sure. I used to be very close to my mother but ever since I've started dating things have changed. She dislikes my bf because she thinks his family is not a "good fit" for our family. She thinks they are too liberal and too easy going and lack discipline. My bf is a very smart man, he has a good job and a master's degree. His family is definitely more liberal than mine, but in reality any family would be more liberal and easy going than mine. He loves me and even proposed to me, sadly I could not share this with my parents. Recently, I have asked my parents to go away with him and a couple of our friends for a week on vacation. They agreed originally and even encouraged me saying it would be fun for me. The day we were supposed to leave, all hell broke loose. "Are you going to be sleeping in the same bed with him? You're making mistakes with your life, he's got you exactly where he wants you, he knows you would do anything for him, you're going to end up pregnant, you're wasting your life on him " etc etc. I still went on the trip, although I had a miserable time due to the fact that I knew my parents were pissed off. I tried calling them several times, and called to let them know we arrived, but they couldn't even say a word to me over the phone and ignored further phone calls. After I came home, things just got worse. My father can't even look at me, yet alone talk to me. My mother just storms angrily around the house and also ignores me. This hurts me very much and I'm very confused by it. I feel rejected. Needless to say, I lost all privileges , from eating with them, to using the car, to even watching tv with them. This is all very hard for me considering I used to be close with them not so long ago. I am an only child and it blows my mind that they would treat me like this over something so harmless. Yes, me and my bf are sexually active, but only because I know he is the one for me and that this is a lasting relationship. Overall, I love my parents dearly and it hurts me that I seem to be a disappointment to them. I am debating whether or not to move out on my own at this point. I have been home for about a week now after my trip and to this day neither of my parents have said a word to me about anything. I'm very confused, and when I try to talk to them about what happened the only reaction I get is "I have nothing to say to you, you are ruining your life". I am at my witts end because I don't know what to do anymore. Is it time for me just to pick up and go? I fear losing my relationship with my parents forever if I leave, they are literally the only family I have, and moving out would seem like I am picking my bf over them.

Sorry this is so long, I just want some external perspective on things.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Your folks don't seem to understand that a parent's job is to give their kids roots and wings--and the roots are never the hard part. Even if you were dating the worst guy in the world, everything you experience and make decisions about is more important and more powerful to your development than anything they could decide FOR you.

 

If you allow anyone to blackmail you into behaving as they wish, it might temporarily salvage the relationship from their perspective while eroding it from yours, along with your ability to trust your Self. That's the most important skill anyone can learn. Some people never learn this basic self trust over the course of a lifetime, some position themselves to learn it early.

 

My guess is, you're smart, self sufficient and strong enough to learn it early.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[talkalot]

Thank you for replying, I see your point and I completely agree with you. What kind of a person would I turn out to be if I blindly followed someone else's opinions and suggestions all my life? I would never learn to think and fight for myself.

 

I don't know if I trust myself to make the best decisions but I know I'm always going to try my best to do the right thing in every situation. Its not easy, I feel completely rejected and I keep wondering if there is something I'm missing....I try and put myself in my parents' shoes and see it from their perspective.....but I honestly cannot find a reason for such reactions. I am still being given the silent treatment along with looks of disgust here and there.

 

I still don't know what I am going to do. Moving out is definitely something I'm looking into, but I need to clear things up at work and transfer to a full time position if possible. I plan on continuing my education, but the program I applied for doesn't start until January, which will give me some time to work things out and hopefully come up with a game plan. I only fear that my relationship with my parents will never be the same again and in all honesty I would hate myself if it came to that. Hopefully they will one day realize that things are not always just black and white.

 

Thank you again, your post was reassuring.