thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I've been changing myself for the better since my break up. A reason we split is because she didn't feel that I thought she was special. I did things for her all the time as well as she did things for me. Another reason we broke up is because I was away at school and that didn't give us a whole lot of time to go out and do things, like visiting a place for the weekend. Seeing her was also difficult because her car is terrible and barely makes the trip from my apt to hers. She also didn't like that I didn't contact her all that much when I was away at school, but when I would come home every weekend I spent every hour with her. I used to complain a lot (jokingly) it never came off that way, but I've completely stopped this behavior. If she didn't feel well I was always there to help, even if I was away at school I would look up what to do to make her feel better. One time she was having severe pains in her stomach so I took her to the hospital and stayed by her bed holding her hand the whole time. Another time I was with her and she had to be at work at 6 in the morning and her brother had friends over who were being loud, so I took her laptop and found one of those fall asleep nature sound songs and held her so she could sleep. I did things like this all the time for her. Every time we hang out we still laugh, smile, talk the whole time about anything and everything, and just have fun. We show physical affection as well. So now, I've been taking her places, being more fun, more affectionate, basically proving to her that I've changed. And the response I got was "I don't think you've changed.". What am I missing? I know proving change takes time but she isn't noticing anything at all. I think me being away at school is hindering my efforts, only 2 more days until I'm back home. Link to comment
onemoretime Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Maybe she's just not as interested in you any more and she's making up excuses to you or herself. Obviously there's no way of knowing this from my standpoint but I don't really think that the reasons people give for breaking up are often that accurate. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Maybe she's just not as interested in you any more and she's making up excuses to you or herself. Obviously there's no way of knowing this from my standpoint but I don't really think that the reasons people give for breaking up are often that accurate. I've been thinking that as well. It also doesn't help that towards the end of the relationship she moved in with 2 of her guy friends (one recently confessed his love for her). When she moved in I became replaced. She didn't talk to me about her problems she had them. If she needed to be taken somewhere she had them. Supposedly they're moving out soon and she's going to be living alone at another place. She has been turning down dates with other guys but she's willing to go to all of the same places when I ask her to go with me. Her roommate that confessed his feelings has told her to stop talking/hanging out with me. She told him she doesn't care what he has to say and she'll hang out with me if she wants. Link to comment
onemoretime Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I'd let her know that you're willing to work on things when she wants to but in the mean time you need to move on. Showing her how much attention you can give her when she has 0 commitment to you isn't going to be be all that attractive or healthy for you. You can't necessarily trust her motivations for breaking up with you (not that you should accuse her of anything just let it be) so you basically have to look out for yourself and if she actually felt neglected by you then giving her less attention is only going to make her want it more. If she hasn't shown any desire to reconcile and is putting down your attempts you should be moving in the opposite direction. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 I've let her know I'm willing to work on things. We talked about it and she said she's afraid if we get back together so soon it's just going to go back to the way it was, we need time to work on ourselves. Which I agreed. I haven't been pressuring her or anything just chit chat here and there. We've only seen each other twice since the break up and I think that has a lot to do with her not seeing the changes. I'm not really showing her much commitment we just have regular conversations once in a while and we hang out. It's been two weeks since I last saw her. The week after we hung out she was initiating a lot of contact. And now this week has seemed to drop off a bit. I think being consistent and living near here again will help a lot. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 What you describe just kind of sounds like someone who has lost interest. That's my take. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 What you describe just kind of sounds like someone who has lost interest. That's my take. Yea I've decided I'm tired of the ups and downs. It's time to move on. I've talked to all my female friends and they pretty much agree. She's been mentioning she was afraid to lose me forever. But she's pushed me away and I need to get away from her. This is no longer healthy for me.. Link to comment
sunnz Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Maybe it's become less of a challenge for her...I mean women say they want this and that but when they get it...it is never enough...the reason being if you choose to show you will do anything for her it can pull them away because it makes you appear less worthy then her...if you understand what I am saying...she may see you as someone following and pleasing her...[not that you are] but when women feel neglected but then you show you won't be neglectful they can take advantage of it...or not feel it as special because maybe they view it as you doing it because you have to...rather then naturally... Or maybe she holds resentment still... Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Maybe it's become less of a challenge for her...I mean women say they want this and that but when they get it...it is never enough...the reason being if you choose to show you will do anything for her it can pull them away because it makes you appear less worthy then her...if you understand what I am saying...she may see you as someone following and pleasing her...[not that you are] but when women feel neglected but then you show you won't be neglectful they can take advantage of it...or not feel it as special because maybe they view it as you doing it because you have to...rather then naturally... Or maybe she holds resentment still... She did say she's still angry with me due to the neglect and if we got back into a relationship she needed to get over that first. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 My original plan was to hang out with her this summer, no strings attached. After every time we hang out she initiates tons of contact with me, last week she even listed all the things she misses doing with me and that she wants to spend time with me again. It's been two weeks since we last hung out and the contact is dwindling. She also mentioned she has been working almost double what she normally does this week due to people leaving work. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Just be careful not to think increased contact means increased interest. She can be lonely, consider you a friend, and not want a relationship again. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Just be careful not to think increased contact means increased interest. She can be lonely, consider you a friend, and not want a relationship again. Yea I know. Hopefully becoming my charming self again like when her and I first met will win her heart again. Do you think I should stop with the small talk through txts? I prefer to call but we're college aged so texting is big, but it seems she replies less and less to them. Just stick with phone calls once in a while? Link to comment
tresqua Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 First you post that you want to work on things, and you think that since you'll be home soon, things will be better: I've let her know I'm willing to work on things. ... I think being consistent and living near here again will help a lot. Then about an hour later you post that you're done and it's time to move on because it's no good for you: Yea I've decided I'm tired of the ups and downs. It's time to move on... This is no longer healthy for me.. 2 hours later, you're back to strategies that might win her back: Yea I know. Hopefully becoming my charming self again like when her and I first met will win her heart again. Part of the problem here is that you have no idea what you're doing with this relationship, you're all over the place, you're trying anything you can to win her back even if it's not "being you", and she's picking up on that. Fear is weak and unattractive. Pick a position and stay with it. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 First you post that you want to work on things, and you think that since you'll be home soon, things will be better: Then about an hour later you post that you're done and it's time to move on because it's no good for you: 2 hours later, you're back to strategies that might win her back: Part of the problem here is that you have no idea what you're doing with this relationship, you're all over the place, you're trying anything you can to win her back even if it's not "being you", and she's picking up on that. Fear is weak and unattractive. Pick a position and stay with it. Yea I agree with you. I've been telling myself since the break up that I was going to use this summer to see her once in a while and show her I'm making changes. I liked that strategy and ultimately see myself doing that. I don't tell her how I'm feeling or tell her I'm done and then the next second ask for her back. The only thing her and I do is have friendly non-relationship conversations, for the most part. I'm listening to friends and what they have to say and each has a different answer and none of them have ever talked to her so I don't know if their advice is any good. One of my friends whom I've dated in the past knows her and told me to delete her number and forget about her, except the thing is these two girls hate each other. How can I trust that opinion? I'm not sure what's going on with my ex, one moment she seems caring and the next she doesn't even want to reply to a simple text. She was txting and calling me last week, and then late last week I left my phone at home and didn't reply to her for 8 hours. She got pissed, I finally got on the phone with her about it and she vented a little but other than that we had a good conversation. I just don't know. It's just a strange feeling going from txting and calling 24/7 sometimes 6 hours at a time and when we were together we never left each other's side, and now there's nothing. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 You don't need people to know your ex to give you good advice. All break ups are pretty much the same anyway. I would say that she if she is aware that you want to work through things, then all you can do to stop this game playing is to tell her that you would like to get back together, and if she would like to as well, then she is welcome to contact you so you two can start doing that. But you are not interested in staying contact anymore. Lay it all out on the line, and leave the ball in her court and ONLY resume contact if she wants to reconcile. It will also give her time to think about what she wants (and wouldn't it be better for her to come to you on her own only if she is SURE that she wants to?), and if she doesn't express an interest in getting back together, you can continue NC and move on. So it's win win. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 I think a possible key component to all of this is that before we split she mentioned that she wanted a "break" and she would cry like crazy when she said it and then she would say "I'm sorry I don't want to lose you, I don't want a break" when I told her "If this is what you want and need right now then I accept and I'll give you space". This happened for the whole month, every weekend we saw each other. I told her I wanted to talk about it and that I was willing to change what I was doing wrong to fix it. But during the week she never mentioned anything to me, which is when she was going to her guy friend for advice who after her and I broke up mentioned he wanted to run away and marry her this October. She was shocked and confused when he told her this, she wanted to move out but now had no where to go, she became reliant on him for cheap rent. So we never really got to sit down and discuss our problem because this guy stepped in and was there for her when I was away at school. And because he stepped in he appears to be a guy that was "there for her" when she needed someone and is now an actual option over me. She has been going to her father and mother for advice lately, whether or not to be with me or him. Her father said that I'm a great guy but I won't let anything step in the way of my goals and what he said about the other guy is that he's going into the military and will want to rush things. She asked her mother and she just changed the subject. Her mother met the other guy, looked at him funny and instantly asked where I was. Her brother, whom has beat up past boyfriends on the time off in between jail sentences, said I was the first boyfriend he actually liked. My presence made him want to step up and be responsible for his family and stop with the crime, he actually moved out of his moms house (he's 30) and found a place for his family and now has a nice full time job. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Your latest post doesn't really change anything though. She has broken up with you (break = break up) and if she wanted to talk things through, she would have and will. No other guy would stop her. Even more reason to let her know where you stand and then move on. Make it clear that you only want to be in touch if she is prepared to be 100% committed and in a relationship with you again. Don't accept less than this. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 We have two events to go to this summer. One in late July and the other whenever we want. Bought the tickets awhile ago. What do I do about that? The tickets were a gift to her, so I can't just take someone else. Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Your latest post doesn't really change anything though. She has broken up with you (break = break up) and if she wanted to talk things through, she would have and will. No other guy would stop her. Even more reason to let her know where you stand and then move on. Make it clear that you only want to be in touch if she is prepared to be 100% committed and in a relationship with you again. Don't accept less than this. I got a bit a confidence after reading this post. Thank you. Would it be best to tell her this in person or over the phone? Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Post the tickets to her and tell her to keep them. Or you can choose to keep them yourself. It's up to you. You can tell her by phone if you want - but remember, keep it neutral and unemotional. You are TELLING her that you are not interest in being in touch unless she wants to immediatelly be in a relationship with you (with the title and effort that goes along with it), and to work things out. It is not a discussion. Tell her that if she contacts you regarding anything that is not important or reagrding reconciling, then you will not be answering - then stick with that decision. If you feel you could say it better over email or don't trust yourself that you wouldn't get side-tracked or manipulated to stay in touch, then just email her. Then delete her from facebook (this is compulsory) and change your settings to super private at least. You can block her if it makes it easier. The reason that you feel so crappy right now is because you have left everything in HER hands. You are waiting in limbo. So leave the ball in her court, yes, but start walking away and grieving from this break up now. Link to comment
OrangeSlice Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 It seems like the person that needs to change is not you, it's her. She seems like a spoiled little brat who probably thinks she is a princess and wants you to only focus on her. People like this are not worth anyone's time. If I were you, I would tell her off and let her know that she is just a spoiled brat.....or another b word that would get censored here. Just leave her, she is not worth one more second of your life. You are the better person and she will chew you up and spit you out. LEAVE HER! LEAVE HER! LEAVE HER AND NEVER COME BACK TO HER!!!!! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Do you think I should stop with the small talk through txts? Just stick with phone calls once in a while? No texting at all. You can fake emotions there. Phone calls once in a great while. The thing is, will you be ok if you change yoursellf and it doesn't 'convince' her? Link to comment
thisoneguy Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 It seems like the person that needs to change is not you, it's her. She seems like a spoiled little brat who probably thinks she is a princess and wants you to only focus on her. People like this are not worth anyone's time. If I were you, I would tell her off and let her know that she is just a spoiled brat.....or another b word that would get censored here. Just leave her, she is not worth one more second of your life. You are the better person and she will chew you up and spit you out. LEAVE HER! LEAVE HER! LEAVE HER AND NEVER COME BACK TO HER!!!!! She's not spoiled, she actually comes from a very poor family. She would always do nice little things for me and my family when she could, even if she couldn't afford it. I do agree though that she as well needs to be making changes, she can be very dramatic and her mood can shift instantly. She also holds on to irrelevant situations and holds them against me months after the fact. Link to comment
OrangeSlice Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 She's not spoiled, she actually comes from a very poor family. She would always do nice little things for me and my family when she could, even if she couldn't afford it. I do agree though that she as well needs to be making changes, she can be very dramatic and her mood can shift instantly. She also holds on to irrelevant situations and holds them against me months after the fact. Well if you are still trying to get her back, and she does pull off one of her moods or the whole holding irrelevant situations, put your foot down and dont take it. Rather than say sorry, say "look here! I dont deserve to be treated that way. I have done nothing wrong, I have been helping you and been spending as much time as I can! If that is not good enough for you then sorry but that is your problem, not mine!" Dont be her lap dog, dont let her manipulate you. Dont let her try to control you. If she does try, put your foot down and tell her what's what. Dont be afraid to let her know that you wont take anymore of her issues. My main suggestion would be not to even think about going back to her as all she will do is ruin you. Link to comment
.thumb.jpg.2d93ce2472f26b01a1e185382ba0b64e.jpg)
.thumb.jpg.78735a344a3340a866dda54f465baebb.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.